Lost a good friend and being made to feel as though its my fault :-(

[Hopingtobehappy]

Sorry this is long, but I need to do a bit of background.

I have had a 'best' friend for 15 years. During that time she has gone through a divorce and I have gone through a separation.

We both suffer from depression and have always been there for each other.

Last year she was very very low, she was very lonely and I made sure that I was there for her when her child was with his Dad, either going to see her, letting her know she could come to see me or arranging for us to go out. I often put her needs before my own because I knew how much she hated being in an empty house. I turned down dates with the man I was seeing because I knew she needed me more (I didnt particularly advertise this fact to her) she was there for me too as I had a lot of ups and downs with my man during that time.

In July last year we were out with friends and we met a man who was a friend of a friend, she told me that she really fancied this man, but unbeknown to her, he asked me out, told me that he really liked me and that I was really his type and my friend wasnt. Long story short I ended up spending the night with him, which I regretted in the morning, and so told him that I didnt want to see him again. He then asked for my friends number! I gave it to him, he asked he out, which of course delighted her.

I was happy for them, but for obvious reasons I didnt really want to spend time with them as a couple, I couldnt tell my friend about what had happened with her now boyfriend, so I left them to it.

The problem that I have now is that she basicially runs her whole life around this man, she has dumped me and our other friends and we only get to see her if she isnt seeing her man. After going out with her 2-4 times a month, I went out with her twice since July until the end of last year.

Over Xmas, the relationship that I was having at the time broke down and I got very low, I reached out to her but was brushed aside.

I ended up telling her how I felt and saying to her that she was pushing away all her friends and that she shouldnt put all her eggs in one basket, but she shouted at me and said that I was wrong and that she wasnt dumping anyone.

I am so hurt, she has made me feel like this is my fault and that I am imagining things.

I feel like telling her that her 'lovely' boyfriend wasnt quite so lovely when he was trying to get with me first, but I wont do that, I dont want to hurt her.

Not sure what to do really, should I just walk away from this? I have other friends, but I miss her. I feel like I didnt really know her at all in that she would just dump me when things got good for her.

It's a shame you went ahead and spent the night with a man you weren't interested in when you knew your friend was interested in him. Why do you think you did that?

To have a friend seem to drop you when she gets into a new relationship is very hurtful but I would be wondering about the boyfriend's influence on her - he doesn't seem that nice. Could he be trying to isolate her from her friends? Keep in touch with your friend but focus on your other friends is my advice.

As for telling her about your previous with her boyfriend, that sounds a spiteful thing to do, I wouldn't advise that.

'It's a shame you went ahead and spent the night with a man you weren't interested in when you knew your friend was interested in him. Why do you think you did that?'

Yes and I regret it, but as he wasnt interested in my friend and told me that, plus I had had a couple of drinks and was feeling low. I did absolutely nothing wrong, I have beaten myself up about it enough, I dont need beating up any more about it :-(

'As for telling her about your previous with her boyfriend, that sounds a spiteful thing to do, I wouldn't advise that'

As I said, I wont, I just feel like letting her know that he isnt as perfect as she thinks he is.

'To have a friend seem to drop you when she gets into a new relationship is very hurtful but I would be wondering about the boyfriend's influence on her - he doesn't seem that nice. Could he be trying to isolate her from her friends? Keep in touch with your friend but focus on your other friends is my advice'

Not sure about this, she has changed a lot, but I know that she feels that because hse has been unhappy for so long, she deserves some happiness, which I agree with, she does, but not at the expense of her friends.

The time to tell her about her not so lovely boyfriend would have been when he asked for her number after you said you weren't interested. If she is such a good friend you should have been upfront about what happened. What you did wasn't the actions of a good friend either so I don't think you can lay all this on her.

He might be isolating her from you because of the night you spent together.

Personally I wouldnt tell her you had a ONS with him.

"She deserves some happiness but not at the expense of her friends"

Sorry? She, presumably, is very happy with this man and that's why she chooses to spend time with him. As someone who has suffered equally with depression, you ought to know that if you find someone who makes you feel good and happy you want to be with them.

You sound jealous that your friend has found happiness. A good friend may be disappointed to see less of her but pleased she has found happiness. To suggest that she should ONLY be happy if you are happy about it seems rather arrogant.

I'm afraid doing the whole "I had a few drinks, I was feeling low" stuff is bollocks. If you knew your friend really fancied him, you should have kept away. That's not a very friendly thing to do, as Hell said.

'The time to tell her about her not so lovely boyfriend would have been when he asked for her number after you said you weren't interested. If she is such a good friend you should have been upfront about what happened. What you did wasn't the actions of a good friend either so I don't think you can lay all this on her'

I tried to explain this in my OP but obviously didnt do a very good job.

My friend was so low at one point I thought she was suicidal.

Had I not given him her number he would have got it from someone else.

Had I told her at that point that he asked me first it would have sent her over the edge, there was never a good time to tell her, I was trying to protect her.

I am not laying all this on her. Nobody is perfect and I have regrets, but I did nothing wrong, its not as though I slept with her boyfriend when he was her boyfriend!

Agree with Holly that he is probably not keen on you being around in case you spill the beans.

I can understand how you feel as have had the breakdown of a longterm friendship for different reasons, but still where I felt it was't my fault and I had been treated badly. It hurts but there is a limited amount you can do.

Could you have one more talk with her and make it about you - I mean, rather than saying stuff which she will just see as criticism of her relationship, tell her that you are feeling very low and could do with support and you miss her for that. Leave the issue with the boyfriend alone for a bit. It sounds as though he will trip himself up in due course - so avoid being the bad guy there if you can.

Thanks for the replies I feel much worse than I did before now.

I spent months beating myself up about having a ONS with someone and had convinced myself that I did nothing wrong, now it seems that some people think I did. My friend fancied every man that breathed before all this, I would have had to stay away from all men full stop had I gone by that rule.

I am most definitely not jealous, I have my own relationship, but I also know that my friends will always be there and therefore I try to be there for them too. Maybe I am in a minority.

OP, don't feel like that. It wasn't the best decision you ever made, sure, but it's not a hanging offence either - I think people have homed in on that point without really looking at how you are feeling, which is not that helpful. You will always get a range of opinions on here.

Some people do this. Get a boyfriend and dump their friends. Usually the same people are pissed off when you get a boyfriend and you're not available 24/7 like you used to be- no matter how much efort you make.
IME people like this tend to be self centered and they won't change. I think you should accept she's like this and probably won't be any better while the man is still about. Concentrate on other friendships.
You sleeping with him before he went out with her is immaterial at this stage. She's happy, she's made her choice, she'll never accept she's doing anything wrong. Move on.

There is nothing a shameful about a ONS but it was poor form to give this guy your friends number and not be upfront with her about the fact you slept with him? Surely you can see that if she is such an important person to you she deserved some honesty?

Is it possible that she actually knows that you two slept together and is distancing herself?

It is sad and hurtful when friendships die out, but unfortunately I think you have to accept it and move on.

'Agree with Holly that he is probably not keen on you being around in case you spill the beans.

I can understand how you feel as have had the breakdown of a longterm friendship for different reasons, but still where I felt it was't my fault and I had been treated badly. It hurts but there is a limited amount you can do.

Could you have one more talk with her and make it about you - I mean, rather than saying stuff which she will just see as criticism of her relationship, tell her that you are feeling very low and could do with support and you miss her for that. Leave the issue with the boyfriend alone for a bit. It sounds as though he will trip himself up in due course - so avoid being the bad guy there if you can'

It was very hard to get everything into the OP, but it is me who avoids being with him rather than the other way around. They have been as a couple to places where I have been and I usually leave early or avoid going, I am really talking about the times that me and her would go out alone, which before was almost all the time, plus I would go and see her a lot so that she wasnt alone when her son was with his Dad.

I have NEVER critised her relationship, not once, I have never said one word against him and never would.

Over Xmas I was so lonely and upset (its my second Xmas since my separation, but still very hard) and I phoned her more times than I can count in tears, she came to see me but I could tell she was itching to leave, so I didnt ask again.

All i have done to appear 'the bad guy' is tell her that she is risking losing her friends if she puts them to the back of the Q.

'OP, don't feel like that. It wasn't the best decision you ever made, sure, but it's not a hanging offence either - I think people have homed in on that point without really looking at how you are feeling, which is not that helpful. You will always get a range of opinions on here'

Thanks it just hurt, as I said it took me a long time to get over it as it isnt something I have done before or are likely to do again. I had many sleepless nights over it :-(

It sounds like you are excluding yourself from her tbh. You don't want to spend time with them as a couple, for obvious reasons but that means you can't just pop round when you want or go along with them for lunch or on a night out as you would have done previously. She wants to spend time with him and you don't so you are going to see a lot less of her.

God, you're only human!

Surely most people have had at least one 'encounter' they'd rather they hadn't. Whether out of poor judgment, hurt or just plain alcohol??

Give yourself a break in that respect. It's obvious from your op you don't feel great about it & I can imagine you felt bad about not saying anything but didn't want to cause hurt to your friend or create a 'scene'. It's hardly something you can just drop into the conversation and then it's just too late to be rocking the boat really.

This happened to me with a good friend & I felt just as hurt, as I'd been there for her so much before. I just stopped bothering with her, as I got fed up with being brushed off all the time cus it makes you feel rubbish. Just be glad she's happy & not causing you as much worry I suppose (in terms of being suicidal etc). It's a shame but it happens to plenty of friendships.

Sorry I can't be more helpful. Just wanted to say you shouldn't feel so bad about the ons!

'There is nothing a shameful about a ONS but it was poor form to give this guy your friends number and not be upfront with her about the fact you slept with him? Surely you can see that if she is such an important person to you she deserved some honesty?

Is it possible that she actually knows that you two slept together and is distancing herself?

It is sad and hurtful when friendships die out, but unfortunately I think you have to accept it and move on'

On paper it sounds very simple doesnt it? he would have got her number whether i gave it to him or not, I would have looked (to him) like I was being awkward if I hadnt and if I had told her beforehand she would have gone lower than she already was! I simply couldnt win :-(

(and I do agree with steel
You'd probably see her more if the ons hadn't happened but it's just as much his doing as yours and just one of those things. Give it space & time)

'God, you're only human! wine

Surely most people have had at least one 'encounter' they'd rather they hadn't. Whether out of poor judgment, hurt or just plain alcohol??

Give yourself a break in that respect. It's obvious from your op you don't feel great about it & I can imagine you felt bad about not saying anything but didn't want to cause hurt to your friend or create a 'scene'. It's hardly something you can just drop into the conversation and then it's just too late to be rocking the boat really.

This happened to me with a good friend & I felt just as hurt, as I'd been there for her so much before. I just stopped bothering with her, as I got fed up with being brushed off all the time cus it makes you feel rubbish. Just be glad she's happy & not causing you as much worry I suppose (in terms of being suicidal etc). It's a shame but it happens to plenty of friendships.

Sorry I can't be more helpful. Just wanted to say you shouldn't feel so bad about the ons! thanks'

Thanks that helps ! :-) and its a very good point about her not causing me as much worry as that was a lot of pressure, my point to her was that I was trying to help her see that if things end she will be in a worse position than before as she wont have any friends!

I said the same thing to my friend...that I'd still be there if they ended but not like I was before, as I'm not her bloody councilor & I didn't realize she'd drop me like a hot potato when they got together 9and I got on really well with her bf so that wasn't even an issue). I know it's great that they're happy etc but I just don't do that myself. I maintain my friendships as best I can, whatever my relationship status. You never know when you'll need them & they're the ones who're there if things go tits up!

*and
not 9and!

targaryen24 thats a good idea I might just say that to her, that I will be her friend but that it wont ever be like it was.

I honestly didnt have her down as someone who would do that, as you said, I just never would, I was married for 15 years and ALWAYS had time for my friends, thank goodness that is the way I am because when my marriage ended, I didnt have to worry, I knew they would all be there for me, like I always was for them.

It's worth saying so, in a calm and collected way. If anything it'll help you feel less upset about it, as it's the closest you're likely to come to closure on the whole thing.

Also, before anyone says anything, I know your friendship dynamic can change when one/both of you are in a relationship but there's a difference between that & just not bothering because you don't need them at that point in time. You wouldn't do that in a relationship so I don't really know why people do it in long running friendships but never mind! You know now op

This is a sad situation. To be honest I am not sure there is much point talking to her about it. I would concerntrate on your other pals. You could send her the odd chatty text or suggest a group meet up with other pals from time to time - something casual and light.

Some friends move on, it's not nice but it is what happens.

Op - cant you remember what it feels like when you are in the first flush of loved-up-nesws?

The world only revolves round the fledgling relationship. Mind you the honeymoon period doesnt last too long, I would have thought your friend would be back to normal within 6 months or so.

I would also point out, there are threads on here from time to time, of women who are heartily sick of their partners dropping everything to help out family and friends at the expense of the primary relationship.

Really, the way I'm reading this is that you want the friendship to continue at the same level you had when you were both single. I'm afraid that just isn't going to happen. People, friendships, relationships evolve and in this, it's her needs that are being met. Sadly yours aren't but she is not responsible for your happiness.

I also think, if you had a relationship on the go, you wouldnt be feeling this way because you would also be emotionally investing elsewhere.

At the moment, she is just at a different place in her life and you aren't her priority.

OP the general rule of thumb with plenty of women is mistahs before sistahs... I don't really mind that because I tend to take a longer term view of friendships, and if I fundamentally like the person's company enough, I'm happy to put up with ebbs and flows as long as I'm not being treated like dirt. It's likely your friend will be back when it all goes tits up so the only decision you need to make is whether you'll be there for her when she does. That's entirely up to you.

Separately, you both seem to prioritise men over all else (viz you having a ONS with someone you didn't care about to boost your self-esteem; viz her dropping everyone the minute there's a man on the scene). Not criticising you, just pointing out that living without a man is a very valid choice and may be a good place for you to be for a while.