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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lost a good friend and being made to feel as though its my fault :-(

47 replies

Hopingtobehappy · 21/02/2013 09:22

Sorry this is long, but I need to do a bit of background.

I have had a 'best' friend for 15 years. During that time she has gone through a divorce and I have gone through a separation.

We both suffer from depression and have always been there for each other.

Last year she was very very low, she was very lonely and I made sure that I was there for her when her child was with his Dad, either going to see her, letting her know she could come to see me or arranging for us to go out. I often put her needs before my own because I knew how much she hated being in an empty house. I turned down dates with the man I was seeing because I knew she needed me more (I didnt particularly advertise this fact to her) she was there for me too as I had a lot of ups and downs with my man during that time.

In July last year we were out with friends and we met a man who was a friend of a friend, she told me that she really fancied this man, but unbeknown to her, he asked me out, told me that he really liked me and that I was really his type and my friend wasnt. Long story short I ended up spending the night with him, which I regretted in the morning, and so told him that I didnt want to see him again. He then asked for my friends number! I gave it to him, he asked he out, which of course delighted her.

I was happy for them, but for obvious reasons I didnt really want to spend time with them as a couple, I couldnt tell my friend about what had happened with her now boyfriend, so I left them to it.

The problem that I have now is that she basicially runs her whole life around this man, she has dumped me and our other friends and we only get to see her if she isnt seeing her man. After going out with her 2-4 times a month, I went out with her twice since July until the end of last year.

Over Xmas, the relationship that I was having at the time broke down and I got very low, I reached out to her but was brushed aside.

I ended up telling her how I felt and saying to her that she was pushing away all her friends and that she shouldnt put all her eggs in one basket, but she shouted at me and said that I was wrong and that she wasnt dumping anyone.

I am so hurt, she has made me feel like this is my fault and that I am imagining things.

I feel like telling her that her 'lovely' boyfriend wasnt quite so lovely when he was trying to get with me first, but I wont do that, I dont want to hurt her.

Not sure what to do really, should I just walk away from this? I have other friends, but I miss her. I feel like I didnt really know her at all in that she would just dump me when things got good for her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hopingtobehappy · 21/02/2013 10:43

Hi HollyBerryBush

Of course I remember, im in a new relationship right now! I also was last year when she was at the lowest of the low, but still put her needs on my radar.

Maybe I was the one who was wrong, I maybe should have put my needs before hers in the past, although it would all feel alien to me to do that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hopingtobehappy · 21/02/2013 10:53

I quite like having a man, although my kids come first, so nobody gets priority over them anyway. Nobody ever gets to live with me again!

I really wish I hadnt mentioned the ONS !

OP posts:

targaryen24 · 21/02/2013 10:58

Ignore that comment about the ons...it was a ONS not lots of one night stands

You know it was a mistake anyway so just forget about it.

And tbh i'd never give as much to a friendship as I did with that one friend I mentioned, as it probably as unhealthily co-dependent at the time as we were both struggling etc. So in a way you have learned a valuable life lesson from all this.

targaryen24 · 21/02/2013 10:58

*was

amillionyears · 21/02/2013 11:09

Agree with poozlepants 10.05am
Lots of people are like this.
When a man comes along they dump their friends.
And a lot of them dont realise they are doing it.
And even when it is brought up, they seem to genuinely think they are not doing it.

There is nothing you can do about it, I am afraid.
Dont see the point in telling her about the ONS.

Original poster

Hopingtobehappy · 21/02/2013 11:09

targaryen24 I think you are spot on with the friendship being unhealthy, I think that we probably spent waaaay too much time together! just a shame it was when she needed it and not me !

The problem that I have is that I say what I think :-| I know a lot of our other friends feel dropped like hot potatoes too, but they wouldnt ever say anything, hence im the one who looks like a bitch !

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 21/02/2013 11:14

Hi hoping - I see you have had a bit if a hard time on this thread!

I hope you can forgive yourself the ONS - no reason you should feel bad about it - other than maybe if he is a creep and you deserve better - in which case set your standards a bit higher in the future.

Re your friend - I think the whole ONS issue is a bit of a red herring. I suspect she knows on some level that he was interested in you first, and that makes for an awkward situation. The main issue, as I see it, is that you have found out that she does not put the same effort into friendships that you do. You really thought about her and made her a priority when she was struggling, and she has fallen short in how you hoped she would support you. To be honest, we never really know, until we are in the shit, which friends will come through, and which will disappear. It's a life lesson, I think. You can say something about it to her, if you need to, or you can just step back a bit and know that in future you will neither expect so much from her, nor prioritize her needs so highly. x

Helltotheno · 21/02/2013 12:43

The ONS thing is fine... been there done that... it's more that it was a ONS with someone you weren't interested in.

Original poster

Hopingtobehappy · 21/02/2013 12:45

'The ONS thing is fine... been there done that... it's more that it was a ONS with someone you weren't interested in'

But it wouldnt be a ONS if you were interested in them? thats what makes it a ONS!

OP posts:

targaryen24 · 21/02/2013 12:51

Isn't that the point of a one night stand...it doesn't go anywhere??

LeoniPoni · 21/02/2013 12:53

Most people go off radar when they are in a new relationship.

When I first got together with my now DH I wanted to spend all my free time with him because I didn't have much of it. But my friends kept in touch, kept calling and texting (mostly with "I miss your weird face") and when I came out of the new relationship fog I really appreciated that they never made me feel silly or guilty for ditching them.

Now when my friends act like that I can empathise, be happy for them and show the same support and be there when they want to get together. If you miss her let her know you'd love to get together for a catch up. And then have fun, don't argue or bring up "he wanted me first".

Original poster

Hopingtobehappy · 21/02/2013 13:10

'If you miss her let her know you'd love to get together for a catch up. And then have fun, don't argue or bring up "he wanted me first'

I have on several occasions tried to arrange to see her. I usually get 'I will see what XXX is doing and let you know' before being told that she cant she is busy seeeing XXX

I have never brought up that he wanted me first and I wont

OP posts:

LeoniPoni · 21/02/2013 13:15

If you are really making an effort (sounds like you are) and she isn't interested, I really feel for you. It's horrible to lose a friend, especially one that comes to feel like family who you see numerous times a week.

All I can say is that I can empathise and hope you don't feel like this for too much longer. Its a horrible feeling.

Original poster

Hopingtobehappy · 21/02/2013 13:19

Thanks Leoni, I will get over it, but we were friends for a long time, our kids were friends and we went away on holiday together every year for the last 5 years :-(

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 21/02/2013 13:23

But it wouldnt be a ONS if you were interested in them? thats what makes it a ONS!

I presumed she didn't even fancy him. Surely that's a minimum req'ment for a ONS otherwise why not just go the vibrator route? Which leads me back to my first statement that she was doing it boost her own self-esteem rather than to scratch an itch etc. Not a good reason for a ONS imo but each to her own.

LeoniPoni · 21/02/2013 13:25

I still miss a friend from my past who I haven't spoken to in 10 years. It's such a shame that it happens but there's nothing to be done about it. Keep your chin up, sounds like you've a full life without her so even if you miss her there are plenty of good times to be had.

Original poster

Hopingtobehappy · 21/02/2013 13:34

Hell:

Where did I say that I didnt fancy him? I obviously fancied him enough to sleep with him, plus I have said several times that I regret it and wish I hadnt done it.

What on earth has a vibrator got to do with having ONE ONS which I now regret? I am glad that you have managed to work out exactly why I did something which lasted about 10 minutes, that I deeply regret (i.e. because I have low self esteem - I dont by the way, I have never felt better about myself since I separated from my husband)

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 21/02/2013 13:39

I obviously fancied him enough to sleep with him

Well that's different. Why regret it then? although 10 minutes is a bit regrettable for a ONS I guess

Glad to hear you're in a good place OP. Don't worry about your mate, she'll be back like a bad penny when it all goes tits up. You now know being with a man is more important to her than you so what you do with that knowledge is up to yourself.

nenevomito · 21/02/2013 13:42

I think you're getting unfairly criticised here.

You feel sad because your friend dumped you when she got a new relationship. It happens. She'll either start getting in contact again later if and when the honeymoon period is over or she won't.

It could be that her DP isn't keen on her seeing you as he worries about you telling her about the ONS.

I've had this happen with good friends. Its hard, but you need to move on.

Original poster

Hopingtobehappy · 21/02/2013 13:47

What do you mean why regret it? because I dont do ONS's!! I wish I hadnt, I would rather have a long term and meaningful relationship. I enjoy sex and think that you need to know someone better and know about their body before you can enjoy sex with them.

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 21/02/2013 14:17

Sure. But there's nothing wrong with jumping enjoying a nice man's bones company when you're going through a lean patch hon, so no regrets ok?

AutumnDreams · 21/02/2013 16:22

Its very sad when someone we have always seen in a particular way, turns out to be quite different. Perhaps, if you really think deeply, you will see that maybe your friend was never quite as loyal, or giving, as you were. Youve learned a harsh lesson and if she does ever really need you in the future, it should be entirely on your terms.

It`s also possible that everything has been tainted by the fact that you had the ONS with her guy first, and therefore had formed an opinion of him. Had she introduced a stranger to you, you would perhaps not be taking it quite so hard.

You sound lucky in your other friends. Enjoy them, but perhaps keep something back for yourself in future.

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