Entitled dh

[Laughslikeadrain]

Will keep this short: we've had issues over dsc being spoiled by dh and all extended family on dh and ex side. This had made them rude and entitled. Although he agreed to help mend his ways and encourages more positive behaviour on dsc part, with success I may add, the problem now seems genetic! He is becoming quite selfish in many small ways, but as he contributes fairly to household chores, it is difficult to pull him up on these things. The examples sound too petty to mention but leave me feeling he's more important than me, his stuff is more valuable than mine, wants praise for doing his chores... Begrudges me same praise for my effort or any extra chore my ds does. Again really same old story: he feels he and his kids are just more entitled or somehow more superior? It's quite offensive really. He earns more than me but has less spending money as most goes to cm. is this his way of telling me my ds and I are inferior? Ok, longer text than planned...

If this is how you feel then something is wrong. A marriage should be about being equals.

Earning more doesn't make you superior. He sounds just like you have described spoilt children.

Have you talked to him about how his behaviour makes you feel?

Lots of men have an inherited ego complex. He probably feels very insecure because of course he is not superior.

Do you think he and his family are compensating for the split?

How much time do they spend with you?

Does your child live with you and your H f/t?

Thanks for all your replies. His dc visit regularly and my ds lives with us and has regular contact with his dad. They are all early to mid teens.
I also thought that they were all compensating by pretending higher incomes of both parents and gp, incl. attending private schools, made them special. But my ds parents are divorced too. There is no need for pretense, we are all in same boat? But maybe there's is posher?
Yes, dh has many insecurities, believes himself to be borderline aspergers. His son possibly too, mum refuses to let him be tested though. They both act a bit precious because they're smart, both no friends because others are so dumb etc. Is this aspergers or just bad manners?
my ds and I are rather sociable people who make friends easily and don't worry too much about status, brand names etc. I feel because we don't do this we are seen as inferior. Dsd is especially snooty and demanding in Xmas and birthday lists, iPhone, drbeat headphones, uggs: we get to choose who gives what!
Sometimes it grinds me down and I offer ds similar stuff. But he laughs it off and calls his step siblings silly snobs. Fair enough, he copes better than I do. But it is my relationship to dh that worries me more. I don't want to live with a spoilt brat. How can I make him grow up?

Your son sounds great. The others sound a bit insecure. Perhaps address that by giving them attention in a way that doesn't involve material goods? That way they might feel less insecure and become a bit nicer. How about asking them if they'd like to plan a day out/cook a meal for their dad, or ask dad to offer to help them do something nice for their mum on Mother's day? Hope I'm not being naive!

Don't feel inferior - your husband married YOU. Its the others playing catch-up.

It sounds a bit as if your DH is feeling a bit under attack about the way his DC are. I can understand if he felt defensive about that, and in turn it could be driving a wedge between you.

I may be wrong, but do you think that it what is happening?

Good for you, PB

it pisses me off too

OP, your H simply sounds like a prize twat

I have never heard of Asperger's being a cover for idiotic grandiosity and an over-developed ego

It's been 'heard' umpteen times on this board from those seeking to justify prize twattism by falsely claiming it's due to Aspergers/ASD/insert disorder of choice, AF

If I had a penny for every time...

Indeed, Izzy

Everybody totally hit nail on head. Have actually said to dh he is simply rude and he's working on not being overbearing.
But am afraid he'll continue to mimic dsc behaviour because he after all contributed substantially to it and if the majority act like selfish snobs then surely they are right!?
No way his dc will do anything for him, so have made Xmas a family feast and not a consumer mad spree last year and received grudging support, although they hand over pitiful presents for his birthday etc. I suppose its wounded pride on his part, their following ex lead in extracting as much as possible on their part.
Is there a way of gently pushing dh into adulthood without appearing to diminish the respect I have for him?

Tough call...

I would have difficulty locating my respect, in the first place, tbh

However, it seems you love him and want him to be a better man. The trouble with that is, you can only change your own behaviour, it is impossible to change someone else's unless they really want to

at least with the old adages of talk being cheap, and actions counting louder than words kept at the forefront of your mind you have some way of monitoring just how serious he is at wanting to improve his interactions with you

after that...it's over to him

thank you to Izzy, Purity and AnyFucker for your contribution to this thread

i had to walk away when i read that theory in the OP

OP, 'gently pushing dh into adulthood' is what his parents should have been doing - how can you expect to be his equal partner if you try to take over the parental role?

have you told him you think he's full of self-importance and entitlement and that you deserve better from him?

if not, can you try it?

Taking on a parental role in a relationship is not remotely sexy

Tell him that.

OMG, its like you are all in my house and actually watching us. Now that its being pointed out to me I do see how silly I sound. He is very much a mummy's boy I'm afraid and that does impact on our sex life too, I.e. he wants it all the time and I'm often put off by unmanly behaviour. To be fair he is aware of his childish side, but only up to a point, generally he wishes to be respected and admired A LOT. Can't really do that though apart from normal level of mutual respect etc. and have said I don't like being insincere.
Maybe he lavishes his dc with the unreasonable amount of praise/presents/etc he would actually wish for himself? His parents spoiled him, ex actually abused him, hoped I would be golden mean, but it seems he'd rather return to original setup?

You haven't ventured onto the Relationships board much before then, dude ?

We can see right through this screen

and some of us have the mis-fortune to have been in similar situations and relationships...

not any more though, i'm lucky to say

It seems that being a spoiled mummy's boy is his default position and it's no wonder this adversely impacts on your sex life.

Childish men who are consumed by an Oedipus complex rarely make good lovers and it very much sounds as if your specimen also has the equally unappealing trait of NPD which explains his unrealistic desire to be 'respected and admired A LOT'.

Izzy, what's NPD?

have a look here

Funny, not too long ago dh was pondering the possibility his dd was a narcissist. Of course he blames ex influence and/or genes... But on closer inspection dh and dd are very similar... Although I'd have to agree that dsd has always been a pain, dh rarely showed this side, I always assumed we all have our weak or selfish moments. His moments though are gathering momentum, so I suppose if I don't stand my ground unflinchingly he'll only get worse.
Actually I think we're already at this stage. Had to delegate a lot of exhausting household chores after years of submitting to housewifey expectations. Again, dsc were spared even taking plate to sink, or saying thanks for anything. Did take a stand there after years of resentment building up. Again, OMG, am I that blind? Not sure i can handle more input on this, every message seems to say I'm a total idiot!?!

His children reflect him, don't they? He sees them as special because he is their father, hence they must be special.

His job is more special, his time mustn't be wasted on normal activities, his children have special father-given talents.

You are ordinary. He is not. Your son is ordinary, because he is your son; how could he not be? His children are not ordinary; they are his and anyone with his genes can't be ordinary.

It's the job of the ordinary to care for the special. It's the job of the special to not notice the efforts of the ordinary. The ordinary don't mind looking after the specials; they are like the footmen to the Queen. They are privileged to do it. It's what they were born to do.

Gah, I'm surprised you don't know this, OP!

But that doesn't make you an idiot! You are a nice person who's been put upon for too long!

Nobody has said you are an idiot !

An "idiot" would be putting up with this forever, and never questioning it.

Remember this : it is much easier for people on the outside to see patterns in behaviour in a person than someone living with them on a daily basis

Thank you tallwivglasses, because imperial has just described my life. Ok, the last 4 years of it. I had a really horrible first 2 yrs with dh, looking after him and his ungrateful brats until miraculously my mil stepped in to support me in delegating chores to all dc. I think she likes me because I always treated her ds well and perhaps she saw me backing out and wanted to save our marriage.
I was always very upset and could not really explain my anger, but basically as imperial says, he is special so his kids are special.
My ds is a lovely boy but is only acknowledged for being kind and caring to his younger stepbrother. Dh can not bring himself to praise my ds a fraction of what is lavished on his useless, spoiled dc. Sorry, sounding bitter. Dss is quite lovely now after adapting to our ways, but am always anxious dh could ruin everything again by over indulging him, especially as dss is asking to move in with us, probably as he adores my ds and wants to be a real boy, a bit like Pinochio. That sounds weird, but his mum raised him to be her little man and for a long time he had no friends, now shares my ds friends in neighborhood. I always felt secretly proud of that.
Is there any chance I could feel this proud of my dh?