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Original poster

DH caught sexting, second time--will it happen again?

37 replies

gingerfox · 18/02/2013 13:40

I'm so sorry, I know this is a common complaintunfortunately. I caught DH exchanging sex texts last week with a woman from his work. A few months after we married (about 4 years ago), I found a similar thingDH had created a website profile saying he was up for lunchtime affairs. In both instances, he declared nothing physical ever happened. I decided to believe him the first time, but was I a muppet? Once a cheat...? I have also found escort websites on his history but believe him when he says he's never hired one (I do the banking).

Things haven't been great these past months (new jobs in new city for both of us). But when I tried to talk to him about it, he wouldn't. We are going to counselling next week but I just can't see how it will help. I told him, we're it not for our two DCs, I would definitely leave him.

Can people really change?

OP posts:
MerryMingeWhingesAgain · 18/02/2013 13:42

He doesn't need to change, he knows you will put up with it Sad

Xales · 18/02/2013 13:43

Why would he want to change if there is no negative outcome (you leaving) for him to bother doing so.

If you are only staying because you have kids I think you need to consider if leaving is better.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 18/02/2013 13:47

will it happen again?

Yes.

He knows from experience that there are no consequences to his actions: you're still around, aren't you?

Original poster
gingerfox · 18/02/2013 13:48

I wonder that too :(. Don't get me wrong, I was VERY angry, both times. But he swore it would never happen again, and now...it has. I think it may be some kind of character flawthe thrill of sneaking aroundthat he cannot change.

OP posts:
msrisotto · 18/02/2013 13:48

Oh he's actively looking for affairs, he'll do it at some point if he's not already.

BeCool · 18/02/2013 13:51

so you've caught him repeatedly sexting, going online looking for lunchtime sex and looking up escort services. This is only what you've caught him at. What one earth haven't you caught him doing? I'd say quite a lot.

How are you able to believe him when he says nothing physical ever happened?

How is your level of trust in him that high that you are able to believe his 'explanations'? Do you believe he spends his time doing all of this just for the fun of remote contact with faceless people, without hoping that the sexting/web sites/escort enquiries may eventually lead to sex? I'd find that very hard to believe I'm afraid.

TalkativeJim · 18/02/2013 13:56

Um, why should he change? He's clearly a nasty shit who likes to cheat- no 'one silly mistake' here- and you've just told him that there'll never be any comeback for him as he has you over a barrel, because you'd prefer the childen to grow up seeing this as the model for how a relationship is supposed to be.

Get used to this happening time and time again, as he's shown how little he respects you, your family, and his children's stability and faith in their dad.

Instead of staying for their sake, why don't you leave for their sake? They'll see and understand what their dad is all too soon, and it won't make for happy childhood memories.

coffeeinbed · 18/02/2013 13:58

Well, what do you think?

badinage · 18/02/2013 13:59

Yes he'll do it again.

Don't stay for your children. Leave for your children.

And get a STI test because he has undoubtedly been putting your health at risk.

Youcanringmybell · 18/02/2013 14:01

when you say 'sexting' - what do you mean?? This can vary a lot! Not that I think you should have to put up with ANY of this. I just see the phrase used many times and I am not sure what it means as such.. sorry for my ignorance Blush

akaemmafrost · 18/02/2013 14:03

No he won't change, he might stop for a while and then he will just be better at covering his tracks, he will ease off on that, you'll find out and you'll have wasted another five years of your life with him.

Depressing thought isn't it?

Dryjuice25 · 18/02/2013 14:05

Tighten your seat-belt! Yes, he will do it again and again and again.

Why wouldn't he? There are no consequenses and he will be forgiven. He will minimise it, disrespect you and get away with as much relationship murder as he possibly can. Lucky him. But Sad for you.

He is a muppet and he must hug himself with glee everytime he gets away with it.

Bogeyface · 18/02/2013 14:06

You werent a fool for trying to work things out the first time, a lot of people would do the same. However, he has proved that he wont change by the fact that he has done it again.

He had his chance, he blew it. What happens now is up to you, but in all honesty I wouldnt be giving him another chance.

WhichIsBest · 18/02/2013 14:07

You might not catch him again.

I expect he will still be doing it though. And whatever else he's done that you haven't found out about.

Bogeyface · 18/02/2013 14:08

Word to the wise, my sexting H had a secret phone. THis will be the tip of the iceberg I am afraid. :(

PureQuintessence · 18/02/2013 14:11

"He doesn't need to change, he knows you will put up with it "

^ This. Sad

He wont change.

ErikNorseman · 18/02/2013 14:14

If he genuinely believed his behaviour was wrong he wouldn't be doing it in the first place. If he was a guy who made an error of judgement and it was a one off it would have been a one off. How can you possibly continue to live with someone who believes this is ok? Because he will continue this behaviour forever more if you don't end it. It's soul destroying.

Miggsie · 18/02/2013 14:19

A one off thing - that seems to happen a lot?

What a liar he is.
He must have picked you out as a nice easy person to lie to .

How depressing.

plinkyplonks · 18/02/2013 14:19

Agreed with other posters -

You've shown you're willing to stay no matter what he does.

Deep down I hope you know you & your children deserve better.

Original poster
gingerfox · 18/02/2013 14:24

Sorry , all--I had to have a teary phone call to my sister. I really appreciate the advice.

OP posts:
WhichIsBest · 18/02/2013 15:00

You deserve better. x

Adversecamber · 18/02/2013 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

megandraper · 18/02/2013 15:04

I disagree with all the people who are making this YOUR fault - which it absolutely isn't - by saying he won't change because you haven't given him strong enough consequences.

He isn't a toddler, who needs to be taught. He's a grown man who makes his own decisions. And I'm afraid, I think that he will cheat again. If you put stronger consequences in place, he would simply try harder to hide it, but that's all.

You do deserve better, but this is not your fault - you simply deserve a man that has stronger morals. I don't think you should put up with him - for your own sake. I wish you all the best.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 18/02/2013 15:11

Oh get rid and stop making excuses for the twat!!

The children will not be better off if you stay together.

Buzzardbird · 18/02/2013 15:27

Don't forget he only admitted to what he knew that you knew (damage limitations)

Of course he has done something and will continue to, why wouldn't he?

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