DH caught sexting, second time--will it happen again?

[gingerfox]

I'm so sorry, I know this is a common complaintunfortunately. I caught DH exchanging sex texts last week with a woman from his work. A few months after we married (about 4 years ago), I found a similar thingDH had created a website profile saying he was up for lunchtime affairs. In both instances, he declared nothing physical ever happened. I decided to believe him the first time, but was I a muppet? Once a cheat...? I have also found escort websites on his history but believe him when he says he's never hired one (I do the banking).

Things haven't been great these past months (new jobs in new city for both of us). But when I tried to talk to him about it, he wouldn't. We are going to counselling next week but I just can't see how it will help. I told him, we're it not for our two DCs, I would definitely leave him.

Can people really change?

Wow, he was looking for lunchtime affairs a few months after you married? Who cares if he can change or not, he's a selfish, disgusting twat who doesn't deserve your loyalty. You don't need to stay with him for your DCs, you will be a better parent if you are happy and not tied to this worm. Good luck OP.

And the fact that you do the banking doesn't mean he isn't paying escorts, or spending money on other women, I'm afraid - he could have a bank account or a credit card you don't know of, with online statements. I share the pessimistic view of most posters here. Sorry.

Good people can do bad things. Someone can betray their partner once for a variety of complex reasons. That's bad but sometimes can be overcome. A second time is a death knell.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

So he's 'sexting' a colleague but nothing more?

They presumably both find each other attractive and aren't backwards in coming forwards.

Do you think he's said something like "now look here, I can just about manage to exchange virtual filth with you but let me make this perfectly clear: I am a married man, I respect and adore my wife and I will not be damaging the sanctity of my marriage by shagging you. Now, lets treat each other as colleagues, nothing more. Until we are both at home with our respective partners when of course it would be perfectly normal to then text back and forth details of what we will definitely NOT be doing to each others genitals..."

I think there's such a difference between an affair that grows out of friendship and infidelity that involves hook-up sites and prostitutes. Also think it's different if this happens early in a marriage. If a bloke's actively looking to be unfaithful a few months in, it's best to cut your losses. I'm also guessing this prick is a porn loser OP?

On another matter, this thread with its reference to lunchtime assignations is probably useful to those who say 'he would never find the time, he goes to work and comes home' eh?

I think it wouldn't matter if he did open up and talk to you. What possible defence could he muster? How does he justify this? The romance has gone? You love your DCs more than him? The stresses of the move and new job are messing him up? He doesn't care! Let me guess: He is above petty morals and is entitled to some fun! It's you he returns to. He may be married but not blind or dead below the waist! Is your FIL a misogynist too? Did you secretly always feel a bit grateful your DH chose you?

Of course he'll lapse. He'll hide it better while painting you as needy or no fun any more. Sorry if this is not nice to read. You deserve better.

This could be a post I wrote myself... My heart sank as i read it. I was with my stbxh 9 yrs, it happened 4 times with in that time, that I knew about, I kept putting up with it cos I genuinely believed him each time when he said he wouldn't do it again, he was very sorry and did anything / everything i wanted him to to prove he that it was me he wanted (gave up mobile, fb etc) and i loved him with all my heart, would've taken him back after the last time too, but he was actually the one who said enough is enough I can't do it to u anymore. That was nearly 2 yrs ago and splitting up was the best thing we did for us (as we work better as friends) and our children - it wasnt easy at the time i have never felt that much hurt b4 as he was the love of my life. I hated him for splitting our family up, i gave him all i had to give / supported him through starting his career but it seemed he just threw it back in my face. Got the job he wanted so see ya..! But that was in the beginning, now i have moved on forgiven the past (as hard as it was) and we are really good friends now, we actually get on better now than we did when we were living together! We are both much happier therefore it is a better environment for our children. So having been through this myself I would say no he will not change he may promise u the earth and may deliver for a short time, but he will get itchy feet so to speak and it will happen again. I'm so sorry if this sounds harsh and that your going through this cos I know exactly how much it hurts (((big hug)))

Thats so sad Taloola :( but good that you can still be friends now the dust has settled.

Is he still a cheater with his new relationships (presuming he has had one?)/

Get rid you are worth a million times more. 18 months down the line you will be fine, please dont put up with this you will be fine ((((( hugs)))))

Baby Jane - he's not actually had a serious relationship since we split, lots of flings tho... (yes i know about them we talk loads now lol) hes a great person, great friend and fantastic dad just crap in relationships, i did well to get 9 yrs and a marriage out if him lol I am with someone now who I completely trust - such a strange but fantastic feeling so gingerfox you will find someone else don't put up with it any longer xxx

Yes, he will do it again, and again, and again...as all the other posters have said. He will have affairs. He will sleep with other women. He will keep pursuing the 'thrill' of the chase. Why wouldn't he if he knows he'll get away with it?

I wouldn't believe for a minute that there haven't been numerous other incidents that you know nothing about over the past 4 years. Think it highly unlikely that he decided he wasn't going to be faithful within months or marriage - and then 4 years down the line started sexting a woman at work. Seriously? You think you've caught him on the only two occasions he's done this?

Really sorry to be blunt, but if you stay with this man now you are accepting that you are prepared to stay with a man who will be perfectly happy to shag other women without giving a shit about you or your feelings, or your children.

Fool me once...

Fool me twice...well you know how the adage goes.

What do you think, love ?

Time to call it a day. This man is going to look for sexual kicks outside of your relationship in any way he can get away with. Unless you are up for policing him 24/7, he will do it again as soon as you turn your back

Set him free to be among his own kind.

You will be happier in the long run. You will certainly get to keep your self respect for yourself, instead of handing it to this sexually incontinent fuckwit on a plate.