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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Suspicious of FB "friend"

26 replies

flippinada · 17/02/2013 13:24

I genuinely can't work out here whether I'm being unfair here.

Was recently friended on FB a while back by someone I had a fling with a couple of years back. I thought no harm, things ended on good terms.

We've chatted a couple of times but I feel uncomfortable for several reasons.

He frequently sends private messages instead if just posting on my status (this will make sense only to those who use FB..eg I saw you said 'x,y,a' me too). Err..why not just put that on my status?

He keeps pushing to meet up "for coffee"- I don't want to and said so, his reaction was to keep pushing. I said I would think about it (all the while thinking no - why did I not just say no?).

If I don't reply to messages he sends I get a barrage of messages saying how concerned he is, am I ok..am thinking yes I'm fine thanks, just don't want to talk to you...(have ignored the last batch, he keeps going).
Now, I'm reading this back and thinking that if a friend or poster on here described the above I'd tell them to block and ignore. However, for some reason I feel I'm bring unfair to him as he hasn't said or done anything awful, just left me feeling a bit creeped and weirded out.

I suppose I just want to check if my instincts are correct?

OP posts:
Original poster
flippinada · 17/02/2013 13:24

Apologies for spelling mistakes etc, posting on phone.

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SlowLooseChippings · 17/02/2013 13:26

It doesn't matter whether your instincts are right or not. You don't owe him anything. If he makes you feel uncomfortable, block and ignore. Stop thinking you have to be "nice" or polite or give him the benefit of the doubt. I repeat, you don't owe him anything, and he's already intruding too far on your goodwill.

YNK · 17/02/2013 13:27

I would find it annoying if anyone wanted to monopolise my time with pm's unless it was a mutual thing.
Tell him to back off or be blocked!

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 17/02/2013 13:28

I would delete and block tbh. It all sounds a bit full on.

roofio87 · 17/02/2013 13:28

how would you feel if you see this person in real life? would you want to stop and speak to him? if not,why be friends on Facebook? if you feel de friending him would be rude then keep ignoring and see if he gets the hint. if not you could try explaining it to him. do you have a partner? if so he should get why you are uncomfortable with all the attention!!
good luck!Smile

ImperialBlether · 17/02/2013 13:29

I'd block and ignore anyway. He's not a friend, he's someone who is not letting go and wants you to meet him even if you don't want to. He's being inappropriate with messages. Why should you want him to see what you're doing, your photos etc?

I'd send one last message saying, "It was nice to talk to you and hear how you were getting on. Unfortunately I think you want more than I can give in terms of private messages and meetings, so it's better for me if we stop contact now. Best of luck for the future." AND NO KISSES!

Then block him before he can reply.

Original poster
flippinada · 17/02/2013 13:30

Thanks Slow, I know you're right - that's exactly what I'd say to someone elsein the same situation.

Think I just needed to check my radar was working, iyswim.

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Original poster
flippinada · 17/02/2013 13:32

Thanks all. You are spot on.

Not wanting to be rude to someone who isn't bothered about bring rude to me is ridiculous isn't it?

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Branleuse · 17/02/2013 13:35

delete.

think no more of it

ZenNudist · 17/02/2013 13:36

I'm think married and stalker ish. Block him.

Original poster
flippinada · 17/02/2013 13:45

After your advice have sent a thanks but no thanks message (along lines you suggested Imperial) and blocked.

Thanks again everyone.

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Original poster
flippinada · 17/02/2013 13:46

Zen yes, I wouldn't be surprised on either count.

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akaemmafrost · 17/02/2013 13:48

Is he married? I had one of these and he did it because he was married and obviously didn't want his wife to see him posting on my time line. I had to tell him strenuously to piss off and threaten to tell his wife in the end. Loser.

Original poster
flippinada · 17/02/2013 15:49

aka - sorry didn't mean to ignore! Zen suggested that too and it makes sense.

That's one of the things that bothered me - I thought why are you messaging me all the time, why don't you just post on my status? But the reason why not is obvious when you think about it for a moment - he doesn't want someone else to see his posts on my wall or timeline!

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Kerry197 · 17/02/2013 15:56

Aaah! Facebook - I've never been able to use it in a way that feels completely comfortable or safe (to me). Eventually, I realised that I was just too private a person to be on the website - there are only a very few people I would share my personal life with, or let them see my children's photos...and I see them regularly! I was getting friend requests from exes, and from people I used to work with (but barely remembered), and heard far too many stories about 'creepy' married 'friends' starting to cross the line. I came out of it, and deleted my account.

Original poster
flippinada · 17/02/2013 16:12

Kerry, most people I'm friends with on FB are people I know IRL anyway, but live at a distance eg friends from university.

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Shattereddreams · 17/02/2013 16:23

There's a guy from my youth I was never really friends with but he was in my larger circle of friends.

I haven't socialised with the group since 18, when I went to Uni. That's 19 years ago.
He has bombarded me first through friends reunited, then my work email address which was in public domain, and now regularly on Facebook

I just ignore. I find it pathetic.

Original poster
flippinada · 17/02/2013 16:41

It is pathetic really. I was ignoring but he didn't seem to take the hint (are you ok? Are you ok? Are you there, is everything all right etc).

To be honest if someone I didn't know that well wasn't replying to my messages I'd assume they didn't want to speak to me got whatever reason and just leave it, not keep pestering them.

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Original poster
flippinada · 17/02/2013 16:41

For whatever reason, I mean to say.

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ImperialBlether · 17/02/2013 17:02

He does sound a bit stalkerish. Does he have any email address for you or a phone number?

Original poster
flippinada · 17/02/2013 17:08

I don't think he has my mobile number,Imperial - I did have it on FB but removed it a while back.

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SolidGoldBrass · 17/02/2013 17:13

You've done the right thing in sending a 'Thanks but no thanks, BYE!' message. He will hopefully bugger off and find someone else to wave his cock at, but if he doesn't, and if he carries on trying to contact you (ie sends more messages on FB asking why you have blocked him/phoning you/tracking you down via mutual friends or something) then send him another message saying 'Please do not contact me again. I do not want any contact with you.' And if that doesn't work, have a word with the local police on the non-emergency number to the effect that this man is harassing you, and they will go and warn him off.

Don't be too alarmed by the above, it's almost certain that he will go away, however I just wanted to point out that it's not 'rude' or 'unkind' to be very firm with a man who won't take the hint. No adult has the right to a relationship with any other adult who doesn't want to interact with him/her and the law offers protection from harassment and stalking.

Original poster
flippinada · 17/02/2013 17:25

Thanks SGB, you always have good advice on issues like this. I don't expect to hear from him again although he has popped up briefly before so I'll keep my eye out.

Really glad I posted on here and had my concerns validated. When I think about it, ignoring a "no" is a potential red flag, isn't it?

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FrustratedMod · 17/02/2013 21:58

I see you've cut him off, def the right thing to do. My husband had the same thing happen with an old shag, she obviously had sone weird fantasy that they had some secret bond - 'are you really allowed to be friends with me on FB?' when he accepted her friend request, responding to his status updates via PM, culminating in inviting him to a hotel (he didn't go!), repeatedly slagging me off and telling him he'd married the wrong woman - nice!

He was trying to force you into a secret relationship, of which no good can come.

Original poster
flippinada · 17/02/2013 22:23

She sounds downright weird and unpleasant.

I wonder if people like this have any self awareness and realise how they come across? The more I think about it the more I find it creepy and sleazy. Yuck.

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