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Original poster

is my marriage salvageable?

13 replies

betternamechange · 17/02/2013 11:56

I will try and be brief. In a nutshell together 17 years and married 15. 4 kids between 5 and 12. Both of us working. Dh is a good man, kind, funny, clever and great dad. The problem lies with me. It is just that i am not in love with him. It feels like friendship to me but he is very passionate about me. Last week he asked me why the strain between us and i was open and not the usual people pleaser. I told him i was struggling and admitted to thoughts of leaving. He is very hurt and wants to make it work. I feel i should try and make it work for the children sake. But feel deeply unhappy and that i am signing my life away. I can't imagine growing old with him. I don't want him to physically touch me and have detached. I am trying very hard to let DH back in but struggling to. I suggested counselling. Ironically he is in the field and thinks we can manage without.my family aware but emotive and telling me to make it work. Feel pressured suffocated and trapped
Weird asking strangers but anyone else been through this.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 17/02/2013 12:03

Maybe some counselling just for you then? You could use it to figure out why you're detaching - IMO it's usually that there are reasons for detaching first and then not wanting physical intimacy is a natural consequence of that.

Underlying resentment? Lack of resolution about childhood/personal growth issues? Transition issues (challenging thoughts about what you're going to do now the children are becoming more independent and mid life issues)?

badinage · 17/02/2013 12:11

Anyone else lurking in the background OP that could be enhancing these feelings?

HollyMadison · 17/02/2013 13:03

I agree with trying counseling just for you. On paper it does sound like a relationship that is worth a big effort to save. Maybe there's a bit of sadness inside you? Sorry you're feeling this way and hope things work out for you x

McFarts · 17/02/2013 13:08

OP have you accidently named you DH in your OP? that along with you have mentioned what line he works in, may be to much information, i trust as you have name changed you dont want to be outed.

Original poster
betternamechange · 17/02/2013 14:09

No! A typo. On my phone. Thanks all. Rushing around as going away so will reply when can.

OP posts:
wordyBird · 17/02/2013 14:50

I don't want him to physically touch me and have detached.

Feel pressured suffocated and trapped

...both these phrases ring alarm bells with me. So does another one you've used, but will leave that for the moment.

How did you come to this point? Falling out of love happens. Finding someone else can happen. But this sounds very painful. Would it help to talk about it here?

MNHQ
OliviaMumsnet · 17/02/2013 16:33

We have edited the OP to remove RL names.

Jux · 17/02/2013 17:01

I think counselling for you is imperative. Sorry your life is like this.

SolidGoldBrass · 17/02/2013 17:16

SOmetimes a relationship has simply run its course. And the more pressure you are under to remain in it, the more unhappy you are likely to feel.
IT'S OK TO END A RELATIONSHIP. You do not have to sacrifice your own happiness and you most certainly do NOT have to continue allowing a man you no longer feel any sexual desire towards, to have sex on you.

I do think that counselling for yourself is probably a good idea, and if you then feel that you want to end the marriage, couple-counselling might help you to do so in as kind, fair and amicable a way as possible.

Original poster
betternamechange · 17/02/2013 20:02

Thanks all. In rush as secretive typing. The guilt of separating is enormous. How can i part Dh from kids. They are hid world. Coming home to them every night means all to him. And for them? Could they forgive me. Equally i am very unhappy at thought of staying and the thought of bring alone is good and positive. Even if i never find anyone else. I am trying hard to be positive re my marriage but i seem to have let the genie out of yr bottle and it has oddly cemented my deep held long held thought and feelings. Can't put genie back.

OP posts:
frustratedworkingmum · 17/02/2013 20:11

I think you owe it to your DH to get some counselling and try and keep the family together, i know this will be unpopular view but your children WILL be devestated. If he is indeed the good man you say he is, i think you should at least try. Are there things that you are not telling us? reasons WHY you have fallen out of love with him?

Believeitornot · 17/02/2013 20:24

What exactly has made you feel this way? Can you remember when it started?

Jux · 17/02/2013 21:08

I think if you are as unhappy as you appear, and I don't doubt you are, then you owe it to yourself and to your dh to give you both a chance of real happiness by setting yourselves free. I think you owe it to your kids too, as they can't be happy in an unhappy home.

However, I think you could try counselling before you make up your mind, but I don't think you owe anybody an attempt to keep the family together, least of all your dh. It does take two to make a relationship work; so far you have taken all the responsibility on yourself, and I'm not trying to say your h is at fault at all, but something has made you deeply unhappy, and tbh I am surprised your h - working in that sort of field - has only recently spoken to you about it.

So, at most, I think you owe it to yourself and to your children to work out what it is that has made you unhappy.

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