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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won't leave

38 replies

Cakethrow · 17/02/2013 10:52

I've asked my partner to leave. We have 3 DC under 4 and he is abusive.

He deliberately does things that compromise the children's safety to wind me up because I'm apparently 'over anxious' - think leaving stairgates open or letting DS1 (just turned 2) have free reign of the house while he listens to music on his headphones.
He gaslights me and uses my responses as an excuse to hit me. This morning he was getting DC to practise going down the stairs and I could hear him saying 'quickly' 'hurry up' etc. When I told him that wasn't very sensible he put the older DC in their room to 'have a word with mummy'. He came in, had a go at me for being anxious and then when I spoke out, hit me. Not hard but to 'make me stop'.
He had an abusive childhood and says it's my fault that the DC will go through this as I can't control my crying when he hits me (!)

Anyway, I have asked him to leave twice in the last 2 weeks. First time he was sorry, loved me etc second time he has just point blank refused.

Makes out I don't know my own mind, says he will take the kids (yeah right) and that he's concerned for their well being if they're left with me.

Also says he will make it financially as hard for me as possible as he doesn't see why he should pay for me.(I'm on ML).

Says he'll meet someone else and they'll become the DC's new mum Hmm
He is a fucking idiot. I despise him. I want him to go. What can I do about it if he just won't go?
We are in rented, both names on lease. I'm skint, miles away from family and rely on him to pay rent etc.

Have to go and get Dc ready but will check back in later, thanks.

OP posts:
PureQuintessence · 17/02/2013 10:56

It sounds awful.
A couple of practical questions.

Do you work? (You say you are on maternity leave, how old is your youngest?)
Will you be able to support yourself and your children when you return to work full time?
Have you ever reported your dp to the police when he is violent to you?
How long is left on your lease?
Can you pack up and go to your family with your kids?

LindyHemming · 17/02/2013 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappySunflower · 17/02/2013 11:03

It seems to me that you need two plans, a short term one, and a long term one.

Short term
Gather all documents that you can, passports, birth certificates, bank statements, cards, photos, etc
Get yourselves out, I would start by calling the police and reporting him for assault.

Would you consider moving back to be close to your family?

Original poster
Cakethrow · 17/02/2013 11:12

Youngest is 6 weeks, eldest is nearly 4. I normally work part time. Could probably afford to pay when back at work with tax credits etc. My family aren't really in a position to put me up - brother would but has just split from his DP, sold house and is living in a shared house and DM hasnt room.
DB said he would help me move back and ask around for cheap rents etc but he lives in one of the most expensive parts of UK (and isn't exactly rich himself!). I live in a nice area which is fairly cheap too and don't really want to leave (which is why I want him to go)
I involved the police once and the CPS took it to court (assault) but it got thrown out. He got help for MH issues and I thought it'd be ok (idiot). It's not. It's worse because he now says 'you better call the police on me now' etc Hmm
I feel powerless because he doesn't do enough to be proved in court IYSWIM - a slap or a thump here and there plus the verbal stuff. Has the cheek to say I'm abusing him when I retaliate! (not physically)

OP posts:
Original poster
Cakethrow · 17/02/2013 11:13

Oh and hes very plausible (business owner) to everyone else.

OP posts:
PureQuintessence · 17/02/2013 11:15

But you dont have to prove in court that the relationship is over. You just need to move on! Can you talk to your landlord about taking the tenancy only on you? Talk to CAB about your options? Womans Aid? Shelter?
Can you put your self on your local HA list?

Original poster
Cakethrow · 17/02/2013 11:16

He's not even a good dad. I can hear the DC downstairs just watching tv. He's on the computer with one headphone in. The only thing he does with them is watch tv.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cakethrow · 17/02/2013 11:17

Please keep posting - have to go and see to dc3

OP posts:
Adversecamber · 17/02/2013 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wispa31 · 17/02/2013 11:22

im not an expert so forgive me if this silly q, but is speaking to landlord an option as you both on lease? as a way of getting him out? i remember another thread on here a landlady posted to say she found one of her tenants was living with dv and she wished she had come to her for help.
other than that gtf out of there, go to a refuge. surely they will help get you housed somewhere safe away from the bastard.

Bogeyface · 17/02/2013 11:23

Definitely call womens aid. If it comes to it then they can help you get into a refuge short term until you are in a position to get a place of your own.

You dont have to be battered into hospital every week to be an abuse victim, they WILL help you.

tribpot · 17/02/2013 11:25

It's worse because he now says 'you better call the police on me now'

That's one thing we agree on then. Just because the previous case was dismissed, that's no reason not to report him again. He's a danger to you and to your children. Enough said.

TimidLivid · 17/02/2013 11:50

if you call the polic e on him then you can get him out, thats what you will ahve to do if he hits you that often wait for the next time and call them, have your mobile phoen with you all the time dotn let him knwo u are calling them. or move out, try and save a deposit and go or call police on him and call womens aid and see what they can advise you

BathTangle · 17/02/2013 11:58

There are many other MNers who can give you much better advice than I can, but I'm happy to help with practical things, if you're anywhere near me - I'm in Oxon.

delilahlilah · 17/02/2013 12:17

He is displaying the classics isn't he Hmm twunt. He will not be taking the kids anywhere, it's the only thing he can think of to control you. You will be entitled to help with rent etc, so don't worry about that for now. Contact Women's Aid, and ask their advice. If he raises as much as a finger to you again DO call the police, and then see a solicitor asap. You can't live like this OP, and you can get help and support.

Lueji · 17/02/2013 15:00

I feel powerless because he doesn't do enough to be proved in court IYSWIM - a slap or a thump here and there plus the verbal stuff.

Shock I called the police on my ex for a slap. And finished it all because it was the second physical assault.

Go to a solicitor and try to get a way of removing him from the home, or do leave.
Why should you subject yourself to his slaps and thumps just because you live in a nice area???

Have your children ever witnessed it?

Redskys · 17/02/2013 15:26

Call the police this is assault it will very probably escalate as with my own experience.then seek urgent legal help my solicitor obtained an injunction barring edh from house. This will give you peace from this bully. You should get advice on any benefits you are entitled to so hopefully you can stay in the family home.

SolidGoldBrass · 17/02/2013 17:20

Women's Aid and the local police DV unit will help you. This man can be removed from the house and prevented from returniing. Don't blame yourself, worry about his feelings or consider giving him another chance: he's a dickhead and he needs to be dumped. When you are getting advice, mention as well that he is neglectful of the children, you should be able to insist that his contact with them is supervised by a third party.
It will all be fine, you can do it, there is lots of help out there. Best of luck.

izzyizin · 17/02/2013 17:29

I feel powerless because he doesn't do enough to be proved in court

What he does doesn't have to be proved in court nor is it the case that because he was found not guilty on a previous occasion he's now above the law.

The fact is he has physically assaulted you today which is more than sufficient cause for the police to remove him from your home.

Whether he's subsequently charged with any offence is immaterial as the fact the police saw fit to remove him is sufficient grounds for you to apply for non-molestation and occupation Orders - the former prohibiting him from coming with a proscribed distance of you/your home, and the latter enabling the police to remove anyone from your home who you don't want to be there and paving the way for his name to be removed from your tenancy agreement.

If you're not married the only financial obligation he has to you is to pay child support but you can claim housing benefit etc to cover all or part of the cost of rent/council tax. If you're married, consult a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law asap.

Take him at his word. Report him to the police now and ask to be referred to your regional police authority's DV Unit who will allocate a dv worker to your case or call Women's Aid www.womensaid.org.uk to provide the support you need to get him out of your home permanently.

Once he's gone you wouldn't be foolish enough to take him back again, would you?

Original poster
Cakethrow · 21/02/2013 23:12

Hi everyone and thanks for your replies. Sorry I haven't responded sooner - 2 ill DC and one teething (already!)

We've had a 'discussion' this evening on my instigation and it was pretty ugly. No actual hitting but lots of threatening behaviour/language.

Apparently he's going to make things as hard for me as possible and will be using his savings to vanish off on a trip around the world so I can't get any of it Hmm
His whole demeanour/behaviour tonight showed me that I am making completely the right decision and that I really do loathe him.
He tried to blame me for everything from 'you should have had an abortion when you were pregnant with DD' to 'I only hit you because you deserve it' to 'i'll get the kids taken away/you're not a fit mother/you're mentally ill/you've got anger problems' (!) and 'any man would leather you the way you behave' and 'I've always known you don't like men.' (insinuating I'm a lesbian. Not that it matters, I'm not. I just really fucking dislike him, not men. He really is pathetic)
Sorry, I'm waffling on but it feels good to get this out.
He is leaving tomorrow - hurrah! (rent is due on the first so am hoping I can sort something out for that - will I qualify for housing benefit? I'm on maternity - SMP - and get tax credits)
Thing I'm dreading most is coping with the 3 DC and how I'm goin to make the transition as easy as possible for them.
What am I going to say to them? I don't even know if he will want to see them (he says not)
DD is already fragile/sensitive and I'm scared this will totally fuck her up.

He reckons his parents splitting up was worse than them being together in an abusive relationship and that I'm selfish for doing it to them.

I need positive stories. Please tell me how to handle this and that it'll be ok. Please tell me my DC are going to be ok and that I'm not going to fuck them up even more.
Any practical advice welcome too.

OP posts:
postmanpatscat · 21/02/2013 23:18

Yes, cake, you are doing the right thing and you and your lovely DC will be much better off without this evil person in your everyday lives.

I'd pay him to fuck off round the world myself, it would be worth it (wish my ex would!)

katrinefonsmark · 21/02/2013 23:19

Do you think he'll still be going in the morning? No need for any more ugly discussions. just get on with getting out.

Original poster
Cakethrow · 21/02/2013 23:32

I'm pretty sure he will go this time. He cancelled the rent direct debit there and then! (this makes me laugh it's so ridiculous!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Cakethrow · 21/02/2013 23:36

Thanks for the offer of help bath I'm currently up north but considering moving back down south.

Does anyone know what would happen about school admissions if I moved area? DD is due to start school in September.

OP posts:
postmanpatscat · 21/02/2013 23:42

You need to contact the local authority in the area you decide to move to. She will get a space somewhere, though probably not what would have been your first choice. How far south? I'm in London...massive birth rate increase here has seen 'bulge' reception classes springing up all over the place and more than 50% of schools increasing their intake permanently.