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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He won't leave

38 replies

Cakethrow · 17/02/2013 10:52

I've asked my partner to leave. We have 3 DC under 4 and he is abusive.

He deliberately does things that compromise the children's safety to wind me up because I'm apparently 'over anxious' - think leaving stairgates open or letting DS1 (just turned 2) have free reign of the house while he listens to music on his headphones.
He gaslights me and uses my responses as an excuse to hit me. This morning he was getting DC to practise going down the stairs and I could hear him saying 'quickly' 'hurry up' etc. When I told him that wasn't very sensible he put the older DC in their room to 'have a word with mummy'. He came in, had a go at me for being anxious and then when I spoke out, hit me. Not hard but to 'make me stop'.
He had an abusive childhood and says it's my fault that the DC will go through this as I can't control my crying when he hits me (!)

Anyway, I have asked him to leave twice in the last 2 weeks. First time he was sorry, loved me etc second time he has just point blank refused.

Makes out I don't know my own mind, says he will take the kids (yeah right) and that he's concerned for their well being if they're left with me.

Also says he will make it financially as hard for me as possible as he doesn't see why he should pay for me.(I'm on ML).

Says he'll meet someone else and they'll become the DC's new mum Hmm
He is a fucking idiot. I despise him. I want him to go. What can I do about it if he just won't go?
We are in rented, both names on lease. I'm skint, miles away from family and rely on him to pay rent etc.

Have to go and get Dc ready but will check back in later, thanks.

OP posts:
Cakethrow · 21/02/2013 23:50

Same has happened here (not at the school I wanted though!)
Would be going right down to the south coast if I move. That's where I moved from and my brother lives down there too.

Sounds silly but I was thinking of mentioning it to my boss as the company is based down south and I really don't want to be without a job. Would this be too risky if I decided not to move? Would he question my commitment to the job?
So many things to think about!

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 21/02/2013 23:58

I agree - no more discussions. You need to act, not discuss - every time you talk to him about this, you're just giving him more ammo.

If he leaves - great, now it's time to get some support in place for you. Don't worry about money first, worry about security. You need to contact your local DV unit (you can call 101, or google for a local number) or call Women's Aid - they will probably be busy, but they will call you back. Please do not worry that you are holding up the line for someone who is in "worse danger" - you are just as important and you deserve help too. What you're looking to get sorted ASAP is a non-molestation order - this means that legally he cannot return to the house. Once this is sorted and you have support in place then you can worry about money.

If he doesn't leave, you need a plan in place for this too. Keep your phone on you - at the slightest hint of violence or aggression (yes, aggression, you can call the police for aggression) call the police. I know this seems overkill at the moment, but it really isn't, honestly. It's not normal to live under threat of violence. You could start looking secretly at places to move to and saving up a deposit, but my feeling is that if he is already so openly violent and aggressive towards you, and the fact that you're now feeling like you cannot live with him for much longer, that it is imperative that you move ASAP. Again, there is help and support available. Council can house you in emergency housing because there is a threat (and history) of violence - you just have to ask. Women's Aid have refuges up and down the country which cater for women in your exact position (and staying in a refuge "unlocks" a number of other extremely valuable support services, which may vary by area, but can include things like counselling, specialist counselling for children, and the Freedom Programme.)

Both of these options are temporary and you would have support to enable you to find a permanent home for you and the DC. Please also look at this wonderful post from a MNer with direct experience of a refuge. And, yes, the children will probably be unsettled in the short term - but it is very, very unsettling to live in an abusive home (even if the abuse is never aimed at them) and the effects of leaving, long term, will massively outweigh this. It's like ripping a plaster off when the plaster is going septic - you can ease it away but the longer you take, the more chance that infection has of getting in.

To apply for housing benefit, you'll need 3 months' bank statements from any and all bank or savings accounts you have, 2 months' payslips if you're working, your child benefit number, any benefits and tax credit award notices and a rent agreement or letter from your landlord stating your current rent. With all of this information, new applications take 3 working days to process (I was told this today as currently having to re-apply) but in my experience, it can take weeks for the money to actually come through. If you are really stuck for the rent, you can get a crisis loan from the jobcentre so be prepared for this too - more horrible forms, but worth it if it means you can pay the bills! Housing benefit will be backdated once it's sorted, too, so if you need to borrow from savings or friends or family and you have the means to do so this is usually the best way to get around the shortfall.

Good luck.

BertieBotts · 22/02/2013 00:04

You could mention it to your boss I think. Just the idea of moving, not why, unless you think he would be sympathetic (and people often are.)

Refuge is a good thing to look into if you want to move areas. It provides you instant accommodation (assuming you can't stay with your brother) and they don't tend to like placing you near your current home address, for the simple reason that the locations are secret and if your ex-partner/any of their friends see you coming and going the location could be compromised.

Ultimately, I wouldn't worry too much about the job just now. If you can move it, then great, but if not, you have ages until your youngest starts school and you are mandated to try to find work. You may also find that childcare costs are prohibitive for a while with 4 under 5, which might make working difficult anyway. Worry about that later - worry about where you're going to live first :)

SolidGoldBrass · 22/02/2013 00:21

If he doesn't go, call the police to remove him. Best of luck. It will all be fine, never mind anything he says, he's just an inadequate little man you will be much better off without.

WafflyVersatile · 22/02/2013 08:20

If he's so concerned about the DC the answer is to make the break up as smooth as possible for their sake.

aufaniae · 22/02/2013 08:33

Of course it's better for your DC to be with one loving parent than for them to have two when one is so toxic. It's much better for them if he leaves.

I second other people's advice about calling Women's Aid, they will be able to talk through your situation and offer invaluable help and advice.

Their number is 0808 2000 247.

It can be very hard to get through to them sometimes, but if you leave a message they will get back to you. (Or you could try calling them in the evening if you can't get through in the day.)

About reporting the violence, even if you think you can't prove it, you should get it on record, as it will be relevant when it comes to custody of the kids. If he's going to be as difficult as possible, you need to use every tool you have at your disposal. Women's Aid can advise on this too.

Oh and don't forget to change the locks after he's gone!

Wishing you strength to get through this.

Adversecamber · 22/02/2013 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cakethrow · 23/02/2013 09:12

He has actually left!!

He called his mum (who wasn't very sympathetic as the last time he saw her he was horrible to her too) and is staying there. I have sorted tax credits out. Might I be eligible for any other benefits even though I'm 'working'? I'm worried about rent etc

Strangely I am looking forward to everything being done my way ven though it won't be easy. My food, my activities, my level of tidiness, my friends over, my parenting style and no more 'managing' him and his feelings. Hurrah!
He says he wants to see them over the weekend but we'll see what happens.

Thanks for everyone's input. Is there anything I need to do that I have forgotten?
I tried to leave him before but practicalities messed things up, then I took him back when he got help for MH issues but I am resolute this time. I feel stronger already.

OP posts:
aufaniae · 23/02/2013 10:07

Congratulations. I hope you and your DCs have a great time doing things your way :)

Check this website to find out what benefits you're entitled to

I would also urge you to speak to Women's Aid top find out where you stand and seriously consider reporting the violence, so there's a record and you can have it taken into consideration when arranging (and possibly arguing) about access later on.

It's unlikely to be enough to say then that he was violent later when access becomes an issue, but if there is a report now it can be taken into consideration I think. I'm not an expert on this though! Please do talk to people who are (e.g. Women's Aid) as you probably need to act now if you are to do this, and it could be a very valuable thing later on.

BertieBotts · 23/02/2013 10:43

I agree with aufaniae.

I think that you need to be really strong with boundaries and contact too, because it's likely he'll start pushing it again at some point. So for example if you decide you don't want him in the house, don't let him in the house, whatever the excuse - if he's forgotten something you can go or get one of the DC to run for it, if it's pouring with rain, just make the handover quick, if he's bursting for the toilet stay strong - he should have gone before! Even if you think he's being genuine these boundaries are really important because it sets the whole tone for how your relationship is continuing - if he thinks he has a way to worm back into your house then he will be trying to worm his way back into your life.

Other boundaries might be method of contact, e.g. if he's calling all the time, contacting you to ask non-practical things about the DC (I got a barrage of "How is DS I just want to know how he is, I miss him so much" from XP which just made me feel guilty, eventually I said "He's fine just like he was last time you saw him, you can see him yourself on Wednesday, please don't text me again unless it's urgent") or anything else that's making you uncomfortable - nip it in the bud before it becomes a bigger issue.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling stronger - isn't it wonderful to feel free? :)

Cakethrow · 24/02/2013 21:43

Thanks for the support :)

The thing about boundaries is really good advice. It would be all too easy to be suckered in otherwise, I think. He already tried the 'let's just call it a 'trial separation'' thing! (I declined :) )

Have had a great day with the DC (can't remember the last time things went so smoothly)
DD has been ill and a bit of a nightmare recently but we managed to spend some quality time together and it was great.

Am looking forward to changing the decor, adding in homely touches (never did before as he said it was a 'waste of money')
Also looking forward to doing things in the evening for myself and the DC next day as I always avoided going downstairs when they went to bed as I didn't want to spend any time with him.

Not looking forward to sorting out the practical stuff but am glad it will all be under my control now, not his. Thanks for the benefits link.

OP posts:
Adversecamber · 25/02/2013 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BathTangle · 25/02/2013 18:32

Sorry for long silence here, but so glad to hear he has left! Enjoy your liberated life with your DCs!

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