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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

stupid question

61 replies

spiritedaway · 14/02/2013 11:19

If someone you were in love with said you were all over, you had made your choices when you had kids with that cunt (the ex). Said "you have made your mistakes because you couldn't keep your Fucking knickers on even though he was abusive to you. Now fuck off and live with it."Then the next day proposed marriage telling you that if you would give him the reassurance he needed through living together everything would be ok. . how would you feel?

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 14/02/2013 11:52

Keep ignoring! I guess this is exactly how women end up with a string of abusive partners - or would be if you hadn't realised what was happening. But you have. So you're on your way to freedom. Flowers

Is FW bingo Fuckwit Bingo?

izzyizin · 14/02/2013 11:54

It's always gutting when we discover the judgements we've made about others are flawed.

Don't be tempted to allow your ego to find solace in any words the abusive and controlling gobshite says, and comfort yourself with the knowledge that you've recognised his true colours before he's been able to do you serious harm.

Before you give any consideration to embarking on any further relatonships with the opposite sex, locate your nearest WA offices here: www.womensaid.org.uk and enrol on the next available Freedom Programme.

Original poster
spiritedaway · 14/02/2013 11:54

Jesus. . Hope he does go quietly. Last ex took full resources of police and courts to keep at bay. They'll think i am a nut job if i have to go back. you know what. .Thats actually part of the reason i never seem to feel strong enough to call it a day

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 14/02/2013 11:55

"I wouldnt feel like this if we lived together"
"I wouldnt be like this if you married me"
"I wouldnt hit you if we had a baby"
"I am going to kill you if you leave me"

Run for the hills.

Original poster
spiritedaway · 14/02/2013 11:59

izzy. . .i really need to. Thanks

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MadBusLady · 14/02/2013 12:05

The police and courts will protect you. They will not blame you for him being abusive.

I think the calling it a day will only get harder as he gets more invested in you, so I think it does need to be done soon. But I think in your position I would call Womens Aid for advice first on how to handle this, if you do think there's any chance he could behave unpredictably. And obviously it need only be one short, unambiguous text, not a face to face meeting in which he can bully you.

Original poster
spiritedaway · 14/02/2013 12:09

i should do it right now. .i am going to cook lunch. I know it has to be done. At least he doesn't live locally .

OP posts:
izzyizin · 14/02/2013 12:10

You sure do need the Freedom Programme, honey - make it your top priority to do the course asap.

As this one hasn't yet resorted to using violence against you I get the feeling that, if he doesn't 'go quietly' initially, it will only take a word from a boy/girl in blue to persuade him to back off permanently.

Don't let your previous experiences with the law hold you back from calling on these resources again. That's what they're there for and, as they've seen and heard it all before, they're not going to think you're a 'nut job'.

Women who've been victims of dv often find themselves engaged in further abusive relationships as, to some extent, they've been conditoned to tolerate behaviour which would send others screaming for the hills.

But, as this board can testify, regardless of past relationship history it's frighteningly easy to get suckered in by controlling twunt disguised as a charmer who makes all the right noises and appears to not have an abusive bone in his body.

Original poster
spiritedaway · 14/02/2013 12:12

I am going to come back to this tonight. thanks all x

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Original poster
spiritedaway · 23/02/2013 23:42

Hmmm. . Definitely getting sucked back in. I keep reading this thread through for balance :-\

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auntmargaret · 23/02/2013 23:59

Oh, please don't, get rid. Think of your kids. You got rid of one abuser, don't saddle them with another. They deserve better, as do you.

arthriticfingers · 24/02/2013 10:01

FFS!!!!
Sorry, but I am scared for you and the children.
As suggested, contace WA, see if there is a Freedom Programme near you (and join it) and (I don't know if you have) read the links at the top of this thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1686357-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-17

Original poster
spiritedaway · 24/02/2013 10:21

Is he an abuser ? Is saying all that definitely abusive? He is saying he feels dreadful blah. . . Feels he focused on ex, who basically posts crap on fb etc. . I won't "let" him retaliate so the anger has been turned on me. He reckons he has talked it all through and got to the route of it. He probably believes he has.

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Bogeyface · 24/02/2013 10:26

Its her fault for being a bitch, your fault for not "letting" him retaliate.......has he ever said its his fault?

He never will, because he doesnt actually believe it and because deep down, he doesnt believe he is in the wrong.

A man who loves you doesnt call you names, doesnt get aggressive and angry.

If he is like this with you know, what do you think he will be like if you live together and cant walk away or put the phone down? FFS dont do this to your children and please please do the freedom program.

arthriticfingers · 24/02/2013 10:29

Yes.
Yes.
Abusers always 'feel dreadful' they have lots and lots of 'feelings' all about them.
It is their partner's feelings they don't give a shit about.
Blaming ... yes, blame anyone, everyone, anything, everything except themselves.
Badmouthing ex - yes, that, too.
He is not 'angry' he is a fing tosser - the two are very different.
Oh, so he has talked - all about him and how he can blame others, I, see Hmm
Get the f out.
Again, sorry for tone of voice.

Bogeyface · 24/02/2013 10:46

Lets line up the facts.

You finished with him ten years ago, he was obviously no prize then.
Slags off his ex
calls you vile names
Uses your past abuse as a way to hurt you
Uses your children in his verbal abuse
Excuses his abuse by saying it is his ex's fault, your fault, your ex's fault
Makes proposals and false expressions of regret only when he fears he is losing his hold on you
Has done this 4 times in one short year when you are dating,
Increases the pressure each time.

Can you honestly say that you think he will change? Do you think that by living with him, marrying him, having a baby with him he will get better? He wont, he will get worse, you know this from your marriage with your ex.

You really do need get rid of this dickweed, get yourself on the Freedom Program (you can do it online) so you recognise an abuser when you see one and why you are worth so much more. If not for you then do it for your children. Dont they deserve a better life than one where their mother lurches from one abusive man to another, dragging them through hell with her? Sorry to be harsh but that is what you are doing.

tallwivglasses · 24/02/2013 10:47

Freedom programme. Now. You really need to work out why you think this is all you (and your kids) deserve.

Original poster
spiritedaway · 24/02/2013 11:04

I meant my ex gives him grief. . Not his. His ex girlfriends are actually all ok with him

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Original poster
spiritedaway · 24/02/2013 11:11

My ex sends him complete email chats between myself and him where he asked me who was the love of my life and i said he was. . Current man says i told him the ex was abusive and wanted to get away and then he saw a different side through these email chats. I explained that you kind of tell a psycho what they want to hear. He then suggested telling someone that one day and then not answering the phone, after 400 missed calls, is winding someone up. Point is i did handle the crazy ex all wrong. Now current man says he will never understand why i stayed with the ex but he wants to leave it in the past. That is where we are. I haven't arranged to see him again although we are still in contact everyday about normal stuff.

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Original poster
spiritedaway · 24/02/2013 11:15

When i told ex he was love of my life i might add he had our children with him and was using the situation to ramp up the drama and keep me online in contact with him..basically terrified me what he'd do next.

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Original poster
spiritedaway · 24/02/2013 11:18

Bogey and all, thanks. . I am taking notice. I just really need to hear all this. I do think it but then i think of the positive stuff too x

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Bogeyface · 24/02/2013 11:22

What positive stuff?

The bit where you are a cunt? Or the bit where you couldnt keep your knickers on and went off with the first man to wave his wallet at you? The pressure? The emotional blackmail? The abuse?

Original poster
spiritedaway · 24/02/2013 11:26

No . . The usual hanging out, having a laugh, wanting to build a future type stuff

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 24/02/2013 11:26

It's really not much use trying to explain all that to him, although I do understand.

As do all the ladies on the EA thread. Who I think will agree (and I see one or two here :)) that he is Bad News.

SolidGoldBrass · 24/02/2013 11:33

Tell this man now to fuck off and that if he ever contacts you again you will involve t he police. I think you also need to take steps to keep your other abusive XP at a further distance (an additional restraining order or something) if XP1 is pestering and tormenting XP2 - not that this is any excuse for XP2s behaviour. Then promise yourself to avoid men in any kind of dating/sex/romance context for a whole year, while you do the Freedom Programme.
Best of luck.