How do I make sure this never happens again?

[Diabolical]

At dinner time I completely lost my temper with DP. It was horrible, I was screeching and manhandled him out of the kitchen, all in front of Ds2 who was crying. Ds1 was in the next room and could obviously hear. He told me later that it made him feel sad.

DP and I have our problems, clearly, but I never want my children to experience that again.

I am extremely frustrated with DP and feel like we bring out the worst in each other.

I'm not making excuses for my behaviour, it was terrible and I am ashamed (I've name changed as I don't want this behaviour to be associated with me).

This is not who I am, I believe in peace not war. This is especially who I don't want to be.

What should I do to ensure this never happens again?

When I lost it in a similar fashion with a partner we split up. Turns out it was temporary but it needed to happen.

You need to get yourself some counseling, both for yourself and as a couple.

You poor thing - you shouldn't have shouted and you shouldn't have attacked him :( but you know that. What you need to know now is WHY you did this?

Obvious things? PMT? under stress about soemthing - straw that broke camels back scenario? Not copin with something. You say you have your problems and bring out the worst in each other - do you argue alot?

Yes, you must not let your children see this sort of thing it is extremely unsetting for them - Im not judging because I have to admit that i have done this, or simalr and it makes you feel like the biggest shit ever.

Dont be hard on yourself, i would take time out to explain to the kids you were not angry at them, just upset and that you wont let it happen again.

Get some help, talk to your doctor if you feel ADs will help, counselling? Get to the route of your problems

Thanks for all your responses.

Armadillo I asked him to leave just before Xmas. He did then we talked lots and he promised to change. I'm pregnant and honestly thought that being on my own with three children might be cutting my nose off to spite my face so we agreed to continue...

BigGiantCow I know. This sounds like a cop out but I've struggled to see when we can do this. I can't imagine asking mil to babysit because I hate living with her son. I suppose if I think hard I can't be bothered. Part of this is sheer exhaustion and part is probably that I have given up.

Don't be hard on yourself - i wish i had advice for you but i can't think of anything. What is it about the relationship that has gone awry?

frustrated I definitely need help in working out why.

Hormones, anxiety, tiredness, lack of respect for him, not in love anymore, frustration, don't feel listened to/understood/supported.

Possibly some or all of the above but whatever it is. It needs to change. I need to know how to move forward and not feel like I'm living in Groundhog Day.

Obviously what you did was wrong.

However, I remember totally losing it and screaming like a banshee at ex.
The way it acted had a lot to do with it, and frustration played a big part in it.

I don't scream at people, even though I sometimes lose my temper. The problem was that ex wouldn't let go.

You have to remove yourself from the situation next time, instead of putting him out. I used to walk away quite a lot.
Not good.
So, yes, maybe you should not be together.

frustrated I don't know anymore. I suppose there are so many things but I feel completely lost. Where to start.

Thank you so much for talking to me here. I can't live like this.

you do need counselling even if for a short while.
when I was pg I alsohad a very nasty angry phase and was made to see a counsellor. it really helped.

you already know it was wrong of you to behave like that so I'm not going to lecture you.

Yes, I should have walked away.

Now that I'm analysing the situation I am asking myself why I didn't. One reason is because I feel I have asked him so many times to do something that when he didn't, I just lost it.

But there is no excuse. I don't want to be let off, just for it to never happen again.

You say he promised to change - change what?

nickelbabe thanks for you honesty. I know I'm not some kind of narcissist because of course I realise what I did was completely wrong, however much I felt provoked.

Through which route did you receive counselling - via your GP?

Being pregnant may be a red herring for me, I suspect even if I wasn't something similar may have happened at some point.

numberlock he promised to listen more, properly listen not just in one ear and out of the other. To communicate better. And to understand some of my struggles and to respond accordingly.

It sounds like you are worried that there will be a repeat - so you must feel very stressed :( It could be pregnancy hormones too though so try not to worry. Can you ask him to maybe give you some space? How does he feel? does he want the relationship to work?

You can absolutely access counselling via your GP, its the first port of call - i have had counselling, its very useful. That would be my first thing - call GP, tell her what has been happening and say you feel you will benefit from counselling. However, if it is the problems in the relationship causing you the stress, no amount of counselling is going to put that right unless you WANT the relationship to continue, whcih im not sure you do, frankly. That is not a criticism, you sound like you are at the end of your tether

frustrated indeed. This is a repeat, not the same situation and not the same level of screeching and manhandling. But very familiar territory. I can't go on like this.

The last time I honestly wanted to die because I couldn't see a way forward. I felt so upset that I was at this low level whilst being pregnant that I just stayed in bed until I could face functional life again.

That sounds so dramatic but thing were shit, really shit.

He wants the relationship to work. I think I've reached indifference. I do not believe in staying together for the sake of the children but the thought of going through a break up, giving birth alone and being a lone parent to three children fills me with fear.

What is it about him that you are struggling with? Do you think your feelings could change?

frustrated I have had counselling before but Iwas disappointed with it. It was via my GP, I was just wondering if nickelbabe's was different as she was also pg at the time.

The last time I went to see my GP I told him I was 'on my knees' emotionally and his reply was that he couldn't do much about that.

He is normally great so I took his response as a cue to 'pull myself together' and 'it can't be that bad' and 'there are people with real problems'.

frustrated there are so many things...they sound so trivial but for example not listening properly to me. This manifests itself as things not being put away or jobs around the house not being done but it is also about not being in tune with me and sometimes I have to literally shout to be heard. So I'm tired or I need a break is often met with responses such as yeah, I didn't get to sleep until blah blah blah.

He is a nice guy, patient, mild mannered, he will wash up, hang up washing etc.

But he is thoughtless, insensitive, lacks empathy/sympathy etc. before I realised the serious impact this would have on our relationship I would describe him as being dead inside or having a battery instead of a heart. I know this sounds mean but I was actually shocked that somebody could be so lacking in emotions.

I actually challenged those feelings of mine and convinced myself that it would be good to be with somebody who wasn't as sensitive as I am, who was on an even keel, rational etc.

~Your GP was totally wrong to dismiss you that way I hear you re the counselling but there are more types of counselling available nowadays. I have had several types.

Go and insist on getting help, i don't want to worry you but you are high risk for PND with this amount of stress going on and your GP needs to recognise that.

What would you like to happen with your DH?

I will go back to my GP. I owe it to everybody to rule out/fix a chemical problem before breaking up our family. I wondered if he meant because I was pregnant, ie not a good idea to take AD's whilst pregnant. But the alternative is not so great either at the moment.

The counselling I had before was CBT and the lady was lovely and I found the weekly sessions calming and a good way to stop running around like a headless chicken but the actual discussion and worksheets felt like sticking a plaster on a serious head wound.

My childhood/relationship with my parents must have an impact on my behaviour and view on the world but I don't know how to unravel it.

I do worry about PND and even AND. I was never formally diagnosed after my previous two DC but I think I was definitely suffering with something and hid it/denied it/couldn't see it because of the fog I was in, ironically.

Your last question is a good one and one that I seriously need to ponder because the one that shoots straight out isn't very nice .

I feel the same about cbt, it didn't help me but traditional counselling was good for me. You sound like you are shouldering a lot of the blame here, it doesn't have to be anyone's fault!

Is there a different name for traditional counselling, so I can do some research?

I am totally shouldering the blame. Mostly because of the way I behaved but also because part of my anxiety/fucked up childhood makes me assume it must be me. Everyone else seems so much more together than me. DP let me believe that for a long time before I started to realise he has his own fucked up ways too.

And the law of probabilites means that not everything can be the fault of one person all the time.

Of course even if I was reasonable 99.9% of the time, it doesn't excuse losing it to the degree I did.

Thing is, I felt totally out of control, there was definitely no conscious decision to drag him out of the kitchen. Yet, on reflection there is no way that I would have treated the dc like this so I must be able to control it or have nothing to stop me, ie feeling of love or care that would normally stop someone from hurting those close to them.

I think it's very difficult for very emotional people to have a relationship with someone who is much less emotional.
I see with with a friend of mine.
On one way, it seems that more emotional person must feel balanced by someone who manages to stay (apparently) calmer and more balanced.
But, sometimes, that person needs an emotional response, that the other just can't give.
Conversely, it must be frustrating for the more rational/colder/emotionless person to deal with someone whose emotions run riot and needs emotional support much more often. But at the same time, the more emotional person probably provides some emotional dimension to the other.

It is not necessarily anyone's fault, in that sense, just that both are mismatched. Attracted, but ultimately possibly incompatible.

It must be more difficult now, with hormones all over the place, but maybe you do need to be in touch with what you are feeling, as the feelings arise. Why are you getting frustrated? Are you starting to raise your voice? What do you want to achieve?

In a way, maybe you can feel you can let out with your H because he's an equal, not a vulnerable person in your care.
But he is still someone who deserves your respect.
Ultimately, if you feel that he's not filling your needs, or giving you the support you need, then you really should tell him to go.