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Original poster

How do I hide my disgust at colleagues' affair?

105 replies

BipBipBipBipBipBipBip · 12/02/2013 19:37

Name changed as I cannot be outed over this..

Two people I have to work with are fucking. I know this as she confirmed it to my (reliable) friend and colleague while drunk at Christmas. However, it's pretty much an open secret. They have lunch together, meet up before work as well as their after work shag. (I presume they shag anyway.)

She's 35, single. He's early forty something I think, married, three children, youngest is one.

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to hide my revulsion at their affair. I have a young DC myself and find myself feeling horrific for his wife at home with the children while he fucks his subordinate.

Yes- it's none of my business, I know. But I can't stand what they're doing. How do I keep it all in? Is their affair unprofessional in itself?

Does anyone else have similar experience and can share what they did?

OP posts:
MechanicalTheatre · 12/02/2013 19:41

Like you say, it's none of your business.

Just keep your nose out. Simple.

Arithmeticulous · 12/02/2013 19:43

Is he her boss and is there any HR policy about relationships between colleagues or senior/junior staff?

TheFallenNinja · 12/02/2013 19:44

By realising its none of your business.

youfhearted · 12/02/2013 19:45

it is veyr common,

EverybodysSootyEyed · 12/02/2013 19:50

This is precisely why work place relationships are not allowed in a lot of organisations. At my work, any relationship has I be disclosed to hr so they can redeploy etc if it leads to an inappropriate work relationship. Otherwise you face disciplinary.

I would struggle with this too op but there isn't really anything you can do. This will end badly though - either he will dump her and it will create bad feeling and a bad atmosphere, or he leaves his wife for her and the cat is out the bag at work. His bosses are unlikely to be impressed.

TheOwlService · 12/02/2013 19:57

Yeah just ignore it, it really is nothing to do with you.
As much as you may dislike it unless it directly affects your own work then forget it.
Its up to them after all.

kalidanger · 12/02/2013 19:57

You can probably actually hide your actual disgust quite easily. But you can rant here as much as you need to Smile

They must think they're soooo clever Hmm

EverybodysSootyEyed · 12/02/2013 20:14

OwlService makes a good point - if it is impacting your work because she is getting treated differently then it is your business.

Is he her manager?

scaevola · 12/02/2013 20:16

If one line managers the other, especially if appraisals are important in promotions/pay/deployment, then it needs to be reported to HR.

If not, then you have to ignore, ignore, ignore. Do not get into any form of gossiping about it at work either (even if there are like-minded people who similarly deplore).

TheFallenNinja · 12/02/2013 20:37

So lets say that it reported to HR, then what? A broken marriage, a ruined career, unemployment?

What if the source is wrong? I worked with a pair and I would have bet my life they were at it - I was wrong, had I have gone telling tales I would have ruined two marriages for my own moral stance.

Fortunately, my moral stance is live and let live.

scaevola · 12/02/2013 20:44

Well, if the HR department is incompetent, those scenarios might happen.

Bu what should happen is a discreet reassignment of one or both, so there is no longer a line management issue. Or if that is not possible, additional scrutiny o appraisals etc to ensure that the potential for personal bias is recognised, managed and minimised. It would be deeply unfair to all others in the workplace of the rewards system could be circumvented by sex.

If the marriage breaks, the fault lies totally with actions of the errant spouse in betraying it, not with those who are want to have a fair and equal workplace.

EverybodysSootyEyed · 12/02/2013 20:46

the fact that he is married is kind of irrelevant to HR - all they care about is that the work environment is not affected by an inappropriate relationship. That could be the woman getting an unfair advantage, or it could be others perceiving a problem and creating an unpleasant work environment.

There is nothing more damaging to a workplace than a lack of respect for management and a feeling of unfairness

carlywurly · 12/02/2013 20:48

This happened to me, both were friends and it was obvious for ages to me what was going to happen. I felt for his wife but didn't know her and took the view that it was not at all my place to say anything.

He did eventually leave his wife, and we are still all mates, but nowhere near as close as before.

I agree that it's common, have seen it so many times at different work places. Hard to watch though, especially if you've ever been on the receiving end or dc's are involved. Hmm

motherinferior · 12/02/2013 20:49

If it's interfering with work, it might be a problem.

Otherwise...well, sweetie, I'd bet the farm that he isn't the only person in your office who's married/in a long-term relationship and has had sex with someone else during that relationship.

DontmindifIdo · 12/02/2013 20:50

I would watch myself around them both, people rarely only screw over one person (this bloke's DW) and then treat everyone else with respect and with fairness.

Also, do'nt feel that you need to hide that you know.

BluelightsAndSirens · 12/02/2013 20:58

As others have said, it all depends on the position they hold within the company.

motherinferior · 12/02/2013 21:01

But really, you know nothing about his marriage. You don't know if his wife does actually know, or they have an open relationship, or she is having a flamboyant lesbian affair. (Or, of course, if she is completely ignorant and is being taken for a fool.) But it really isn't (a) uncommon (b) your business.

Original poster
BipBipBipBipBipBipBip · 12/02/2013 21:56

He is her line manager, he's not mine. However I have to work with her on an almost daily basis and would have to go to him if there was an issue with anything. Therefore, reluctantly it is my business.

What isn't my business is their personal life. But I cannot help but feel disgusted at their behaviour. They may be swingers, but swingers don't have 'affairs' do they? Which is what the woman described it to the colleague at Christmas.

OP posts:
bodencatalogue · 12/02/2013 22:35

Just to add to the overwhelming majority on this so far.

It really is none of your business and it goes on all the time.

You don't have to hide your "disgust" about something you do not really know anything about but if he is in a senior position to you even if he isn't your line manager I would think twice about showing that you are sticking your nose in taking the moral high ground

Original poster
BipBipBipBipBipBipBip · 12/02/2013 22:43

It's not hard to feel morally superior to them, frankly.

OP posts:
MechanicalTheatre · 12/02/2013 22:45

How is it your business because you have to speak to him sometimes?

The idea of moral superiority is pretty laughable, really.

BluelightsAndSirens · 12/02/2013 22:51

I can see where you are coming from and him being her line manager makes it even more of a cliche.

I wouldn't hide my disgust in what they were doing and you certainly shouldn't feel obliged to cover up for them but the key is to stay professional.

That said I'm a wife with 4 children and would welcome anyone with rock solid evidence that my DH was being a fucking cheating bastard, hear say wouldn't work.

CabbageLeaves · 12/02/2013 22:53

Happens lots in my workplace. Keep out is my best advice. Be professional but cool with them

HollyBerryBush · 12/02/2013 22:57

Other peoples sex lives are none of your business. None whatsosever.

ItsAFuckingVase · 12/02/2013 22:57

I think that given all you have is a bit of gossip, you don't really need to be getting outraged on his wife's behalf. There might not be anything actually going on, there might be. His wife may know, or she may not. It's not really any of your business!