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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Practicalities

65 replies

Mosman · 12/02/2013 06:56

So it would seem my husband has tripped over and landed dick first in somebody else's vagina.
Being the practical type usually but currently curled up in a ball, what are the practicalities of these situations please ?
THank you

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Mosman · 13/02/2013 01:36

I think i am better off in Australia, there's no support at all for me in the UK at least i do have friends here and we were trying to build a life here, otherwise not only has the last 10 years been a pack of lies but it's all been for nothing.
I need to think things through, wait for PR, he's going for counselling because he's not right in the head quite honestly. I am the 2nd wife and this is the 2nd marriage he's screwed up with his infidelities.
His Dad is on his 4th marriage so that should have been a huge red flag but you hope that we aren't our parents don't we, i know I do.
We have the house in the UK which I would want 100% of, I've paid more into that than he has.
And then there's child support which at least has teeth out here, they do attachment of earnings etc which the UK just will shrug and say he's in Australia we can do nothing, i've been there before with my eldest's father.

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Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 13/02/2013 01:55

Mosman, I'm really sorry. I'm at least roughly in the same time zone as you (well, three hours ahead!) so if you need to rant, I'm happy to listen.

This is the guy for whose 'self esteem' you moved to Australia, although you were happy and fully employed in the UK, yes?

And it's the same person, four times? Over ten years? Does she live in Australia or the UK?

I am totally livid for you that he is STILL blaming you for the "second and third times" because he didn't get laid enough, poor diddums. But I'm also pretty convinced that this is not the full story. History of infidelity? Working away? One woman, four times, over ten years? Nuh uh, there's been others.

WhatSheSaid · 13/02/2013 02:52

Good point about getting the child support from him here while it would be harder if you were back in the UK. I'm glad you feel you have some support in Oz, what an utterly shit thing to happen when you have just moved across the world. Well, it's an utterly shit thing to happen wherever you are, but you know what I mean.

Is he still in the same house or has he left?

Mosman · 13/02/2013 06:23

He's still here, nowhere to go and I can't have him loose his job otherwise i seriously am up the creek.
Plus I am seriously barely functioning if i'm honest for the kids to not be in danger I need him around.

I've emailed his parents and told them so at least i need never engage with those freaks ever again, that's a positive

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SnowBusiness · 13/02/2013 10:40

You're hopefully in bed now catching up on some sleep. Hang on in there, you need to go through each day/ hour at time. How old are your children, do they know?

fiventhree · 13/02/2013 19:42

Poor you M.

I know it's early days but can I just say that if you are planning to do anything rash re work, please leave it a little while.

I'm not sure where you are, but in the last 20 years it is a sad truth that women who don't work at all lose their skills as far as employers see it. There may come a time where this h of yours becomes unreliable and does this again and /or the kids are older and life changes in other ways, and it can be hard to get back in.

That doesn't mean keeping up a full time job, of course, but do keep up your employability skills.

Mosman · 14/02/2013 06:11

He wants to go for counselling.

I am kind of blaming myself a bit because I did accidentally introduce the person to him via fucking hunsnet.

What I cannot get out of my head or around at all is the fact that he drove from Manchester to Brighton to fuck this this person, I mean that's a long time in the car to think about what your doing isn't it ? To stop, buy condoms, massage oil and to have every opportunity to turn around and not do it.
He's bought a packet of condoms and didn't waste any, stayed for breakfast, cuddled I presume, talked after this event and then made arrangements to do it again.
Is any relate/counselling every going to help me "get over" that ?

I keep trying to weigh up what will happen and from what I can see going forward my life will be worse if I leave him and worse if I stay.

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WhatSheSaid · 14/02/2013 07:19

I've introduced my dh to plenty of my female friends but he's never fucked any of them. Don't go blaming yourself!

SnowBusiness · 14/02/2013 10:39

You're in a new reality and it's a shit one. However, it will become clearer as time goes on - the smoke will dissipate after the bomb's gone off.

It's not your fault. It is his. You need some time to adjust and wait for the shock to wear off. Counselling is a good idea, even if you just do it for yourself to help you come to terms with what's happened and then you can decide if you want to do couples counselling to see if you can fix it. No one will think badly if you do or don't stay together. It's your life and your marriage.

Mosman · 14/02/2013 11:46

Ok I'll go with the counselling and see where that leads.
I've stopped asking questions about positions and frequency and all the other shit i've been torturing myself with, who cares ?
Thank you so much for the posts, you've kept me sane ish

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fiventhree · 14/02/2013 14:52

Moss, nobody thinks they can cope when a shock of this nature lands. Many of us have been exactly where you are now.

Just take a 'that'll do' approach for now- quick and easy dinners for kids, and get in a any help you can, at all. I dont suppose you are sleeping properly yet, either.

It is a process, a nasty one, but you will get through it, whatever you decide to do about him.

You were absolutely spot in not to keep this a secret, by the way. It increased the shock to his system in terms of fallout, and that is a good thing.

Mosman · 15/02/2013 09:38

He asked last night if we can stop with all this now, 4 days and he's had enough of my questioning, crying and generally being upset.
No judge would convict me would they ?

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HotDAMNlifeisgood · 15/02/2013 09:54

I like your style Mosman. You are an inspiration.

If he is not willing to spend the rest of his life acknoweldging your hurt and answering your questions, then he is not repentant. And the two of you don't have much of a basis to work on in relationship counselling.

struwelpeter · 15/02/2013 09:56

That's another point scored in twat bingo for him. No, he has no right to demand you to get over it. You are in charge now. You decide when you feel ready to go for counselling, you decide what you need to do to get yourself in a position when you feel ready to address his stupid actions.
You are your number one priority at the moment; things will settle down eventually but slowly and no one can predict what the world will look like for you when they do.
Keep posting, do find that RL someone you can turn to, look after yourself - if it takes booze, fags, takeaways for the kids, then so be it.
Stick him on the sofa or in the spare room and perhaps set aside a certain amount of time each day to cry/rage/tear him to shreds. Alternative is to give yourself a set time each day to do something for you - even if it's a bath or a cup of coffee, read a mag out then do it.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 15/02/2013 10:03

I recommend the practicality of going to speak to a family lawyer: having facts in hand could help you feel stronger; something concrete to moor you in this time of upheaval.

pictish · 15/02/2013 10:08

Fucking fucking hell. He wants you to stop with all this now does he?
I am aghast.

Right so...your dh is a serial cheat. He blames you for one of his episodes as he wasn't getting enough attention. The other times were just...you know....whatever.

How utterly atrocious. You cannot be serious about trying to salvage this marriage, surely? He will not keep his cock to himself. He'll just get better at hiding it. You are on a hiding to nothing with this dick.

Sorry...strong words. I am just appalled. I really am.

Mosman · 15/02/2013 10:23

I know you ARE right I really do pictish, having sat down and done the maths I am not going to come out of this very well.
So no not really salvaging more biding my time, playing the game I guess.
I'd literally just resigned from my job because it was too hard keeping the balls in the air, full time job and him not doing 50% usual story.

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HotDAMNlifeisgood · 15/02/2013 10:44

Would your employer take you back?

Would it financially make sense for you to do so in case of a forthcoming split?

I admire the level head you have on your shoulders only 4 days in. Amazing.

pictish · 15/02/2013 10:45

I'd bail if I were you...while the clarity is there.

Mosman · 15/02/2013 11:18

The clarity is going nowhere if anything i'm getting beyond the fog, I've called her at work to let her know she was one of many and needs to get to the STD clinic lol
I've caused him a lot of upset with his friends and family, so i'm working through the anger stage and coming through the grief stage.
Wedding and engagement rings are off, now it's just a case of timing.
No point in making myself homeless and handing him it all on a plate is there ?

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Mosman · 15/02/2013 11:19

I need his visa I don't know what would happen if he took me off the application you see, my children could stay and I couldn't

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pictish · 15/02/2013 11:21

No you're quite right.
Can you sling him out of the family home?
Could he go to his parents?

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Mosman · 15/02/2013 11:24

WE are in Perth, his parents are in the UK.

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ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 15/02/2013 11:37

Really sorry to hear about this op. So glad you've caused him a lot of upset with his friends and family - it is no more than he deserves.

Mosman · 15/02/2013 11:50

Amazing how many people are on team him though - quite surprising tbh

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