Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my DP stays out all weekend, what do i do?

72 replies

cocopopps · 09/02/2013 20:36

Me and my DP have been together for nearly 10 years and have 2 DC. He has a habit of going out for a few hours and doesnt return home until the next morning although on this occasion he went out yesterday at 7pm and istill have had no contact from him.
He usually goes back to his friends and has admitted to me that he knows its wrong but he has to be the last one to leave the party as hes worried he'll miss out.
I've had numurous talks with him and he knows how much this hurts me and that im at my witts end but he doesnt ever seem to stop even though he promises he'll stop.
He doesnt know if i have money so for all he knows me and my DC could have nothing for tea run out of elctric or gas (on pre payment metres).
Ive ended up staying with a family member because i just dont know what to do anymore.........any advise???

OP posts:
Original poster
cocopopps · 09/02/2013 21:45

Thank you so much for all your support, i'm now going to go away and have a good think about all the advice you've given. You've made it all a lot clearer for me to see what i have to do, thank you all Smile

OP posts:
Fairylea · 09/02/2013 21:49

I also want you to know it's not an "age" thing.

My dh is also 25 (I am 33) and he would never act like that. Infact neither of us have had an evening out alone or together in the 7 months since ds arrived!... (we also have an older dd).

I just have a feeling he's going to try and guilt trip you and say all his friends his age do it blah blah and I just want you to know that even if they do, not all young 20 something men behave like this.

izzyizin · 09/02/2013 21:57

At the moment he's living 2 part-time lives. One with you and one with his friends.

It's time to give him a choice: he can shape up and be a responsible full time partner and parent, or stay with his mates'full time and continue playing jack the lad every night incuding weekends.

Original poster
cocopopps · 09/02/2013 21:58

thats exactly what I needed to hear that this isnt normal for his age because the only other 25 year old men (or boys) i know are his friends who do the same thing so its refreshing to hear that this isnt normal thankyou Flowers

OP posts:
Lueji · 09/02/2013 21:59

Definitely not the norm.
No man I know does this, actually!

Original poster
cocopopps · 09/02/2013 22:00

thankyou izzyizin this is exactly what i'm going to say to him, youve all been so lovely

OP posts:
ReturnOfEmeraldGreen · 09/02/2013 22:01

He is a grown man with a young family. 25 is not a child and men are not a separate species. Sorry, but your expectations are much too low. What would you think of a mum who behaves the way your partner does?

If you are based in England or Wales on a private assured shorthold tenancy and you have had a Section 21 Notice then the landlord cannot evict you without a court order after the 2 months' notice has run out, but the landlord will get this as a formality because the court does not have the power to let you stay. If you haven't already done so, please contact Shelter for advice: 0808 800 4444 and also your council to make a homelessness application - if you want to be rehoused by the council you will be a priority due to the children but you will most likely have to stay put until the actual eviction date in order to avoid being classed as 'intentionally homeless'.

TBH this is your opportunity to get rehoused without him and start over, I hope you take it.

Bogeyface · 09/02/2013 23:18

So he pisses his wages up the wall, has made you and your children homeless and doesnt even let you know where he is or what he is doing?

Firstly, I smell drugs.

Secondly, forget talking to him or trying to sort things out. Walk away now, and make sure you get a claim started with the CSA. He has an addiction, either to drink, drugs or simply being free to do what the hell he likes (even though he isnt) and you cant change that if he doesnt want to change.

PureQuintessence · 09/02/2013 23:23

Sorry, he needs to grow up and you need to grow a back bone.

How the heck can you let yourself be so dependent on an immature piss head?

Ask him to leave! Find a job, any job, and stand on your own two feet, you will be much better off without him!

jasmineramsden · 10/02/2013 06:32

As bogeyface has also touched on..
Is he taking cocaine on these weekend-long benders?
OP I've been in a 'similar' situation with my current partner and father of my son but nowhere near to the extent you're going through.
He would on average every 3 or 4 months, not come home after a night out. I would be out of my mind worrying, getting no response from his mobile, etc etc.
I struggled with whether I could cope with him doing this when it was far less frequent than what you're going through. We separated several times and I did take him back after some time after the tears, promises, and him accepting how much of a problem it was.
He knows how much it was devastating me and went to NA meetings and had to prove he was willing to change and put me and our son first. He last 'went missing' 9 months ago and we're doing great. He knows what he stood to lose for good and has put the work in to keep our family together.
If he isn't willing to change OP I don't know how you can continue to live this way.
3 or 4 times a year was too much for me OP. Every weekend would be unbearable.

FellatioNels0n · 10/02/2013 06:47

He is a grown man with a young family. 25 is not a child

No, he isn't now, but he practically was when he became a parent. And he clearly wasn't ready and willing to do it a second time either, as he left the OP and only came back once the really tough stuff was over.

He is doing what most 25 year olds do. Unfortunately. If he had a new born baby for the first time now it might be different, but he's already been doing this for 7 years and he's clearly bored, feeling sorry for himself and thinks he deserves some 'me time.' Hmm

I think the relationship will not last very much longer if the OP puts her foot down. At least not unless the OP allows this behaviour to continue just o keep him there. Let's face it, he's not going to stop, is he? He is getting to look like a responsible father of a 7 year old when it suits him and behave like any other 25 year old bloke when it doesn't.

FellatioNels0n · 10/02/2013 06:51

Fairylea the difference between your DP and the OP's is that yours has only been a parent for seven months! He has some time to be a grown up before a baby arrived. The OP's DP didn't and he's feeling hard done by. He thinks if you can become a parent when you are a teenager then why should you not act like a teenager when you are a parent? He doesn't know any different. He's never had to take proper responsibility for anything in his life.

Fairylea · 10/02/2013 07:13

Fellatio that is true to some extent but mydh has never ever been one to go out all night partying and drinking, even before he met me. Him and his friends would go out to the pub once a week for a few drinks, go back to each others houses and play Xbox together or whatever. Not every 20 something man behaves like the ops partner.

(Admittedly I did before children however.....!)

Lueji · 10/02/2013 07:20

He is doing what most 25 year olds do.

Not really.
Only childish, uncaring, selfish, 25 year olds would do.

The thing is the OP is in exactly the same position as him. However, she has to stay in taking care of the children the whole weekend, without knowing where he is, without help.
I imagine that when he gets in he's too plastered to even get out of bed.

He has had time to "get it out of the system" when they separated.

He's making his family homeless.

Why do people keep excusing these "men"?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/02/2013 07:45

coco,

So what are you going to do?.

Talking to him will be of no benefit at all, he's hardly ever there anyway and your financial position and home is now precarious because he is spending all the money on his own needs and wants. You and the children are but of minor concern to him even if you are on his priority list (which you are not).

Quint is correct - you do need to grow a backbone. You've never been given the opportunity to find one though and you've been with this person since you were 15. Such selfish menchildren like the one you've saddled yourself with (perhaps also due to your own innate low self worth in the first place) do not change.

Such men too take an awful long time to recover from. I would actually suggest you enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this would be of great benefit to you (as in how to avoid such types ever again).

Making excuses for such inadequate men is par for the course. You perhaps do not want to admit to yourself that you've made a huge error of judgment by having a relationship with him in the first place, let alone having two children by him. However, what is done is done. What will be tragic now is if you allow the same situation to continue. You write its already affecting your DS; if that fact does not move you to act, then what will?.

FellatioNels0n · 10/02/2013 07:46

Oh don't for one minute thinking I am excusing him. I just think it has a depressing inevitability about it, that's all. But I am never a fan of becoming a parent in one's teens, and least of all for boys. I just don't think most of them are up to the job at all until they are over 25. I'm 46. I've seen a lot of this. Lots and lots of relationship breakdown among couples who have had children very young, and lots of irresponsible man-child behaviour from men who feel they missed out in their teens and early twenties. I'm not just spouting off with nothing to base it on.

I find it hard to believe there are probably not other women involved in all this staying out all night, as well as drink/drugs. I just think some people are not cut out to only sleep with one person from such a young age. I know I wasn't.

This man can go off all weekend with a clear conscience Hmm (in his head) knowing that the OP is taking all the responsibility for him. She enables it by staying with him, and keeping the family finances together while he pisses his salary up the wall like it was all his pocket money. She either allows it to continue until he eventually leaves her for someone else or sorts himself out, or she puts her foot down and demands some immediate changes. And if she does that I suspect he will leave anyway. He clearly feels trapped by the weight of all this responsibility he is not taking, and is comparing himself to single friends who appear to have the life of Reilly. It's hardly surprising really.

Although I realise all this is not very helpful to the OP now. I just wonder if anyone warned her this would happen when she was 17.

TheFallenNinja · 10/02/2013 07:50

Unless you can think of anything you haven't said to him before, go under the sink, get the black bags, pack his gear and fuck him off.

He's taking the absolute piss and you're letting him.

Lueji · 10/02/2013 07:54

Conversely, lots of men take on responsibility very early on and don't go through these phases.

But, yes, coco. You need to do what is best for your family and yourself.
You can't rely on him to physically be there, and not financially.
You all will be better without him.

He's had his chances.

FellatioNels0n · 10/02/2013 07:56

Lots do but most don't. How many child whose parents were teenagers when they were born can say they are still together by secondary school? Not many. Sad but true. And the teenagers are always told this, but they always think they will be different.

FellatioNels0n · 10/02/2013 07:56

children, sorry

FellatioNels0n · 10/02/2013 08:10

And the other obvious thing, of course, is that 17 year olds rarely have any money to be self supporting. And having children makes it hard to accumulate any, and catch up with older couples' standard of living, once you are old enough to actually get a decent job, and keep it. And as everyone knows, trying to bring up children and run a home with very little money puts enormous strain in any relationship. Irrespective of how good your intentions were in the beginning.

mcmooncup · 10/02/2013 10:08

I would put money on there being drugs involved too. Drinkers find it hard to stay out all night without passing out. Drugs will keep him going.
Either that or a nice comfy bed with an OW.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread