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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my DP stays out all weekend, what do i do?

72 replies

cocopopps · 09/02/2013 20:36

Me and my DP have been together for nearly 10 years and have 2 DC. He has a habit of going out for a few hours and doesnt return home until the next morning although on this occasion he went out yesterday at 7pm and istill have had no contact from him.
He usually goes back to his friends and has admitted to me that he knows its wrong but he has to be the last one to leave the party as hes worried he'll miss out.
I've had numurous talks with him and he knows how much this hurts me and that im at my witts end but he doesnt ever seem to stop even though he promises he'll stop.
He doesnt know if i have money so for all he knows me and my DC could have nothing for tea run out of elctric or gas (on pre payment metres).
Ive ended up staying with a family member because i just dont know what to do anymore.........any advise???

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 09/02/2013 20:58

It sounds like he doesn't want to grow up, so do you love him enough to put up with it ?

Or do you want something more ?

I'd say this was a great opportunity to be in charge of your life again
Waiting round for him every weekend must be depressing, I've been there and I know how demoralising it is :(

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/02/2013 20:58

Move out.

You will get benefits as a single parent and he will have to pay you maintenance. Anything has to be better than the total lack of respect that he is showing you at the moment.

Fairylea · 09/02/2013 21:00

You may lose your home because this twat is out on the piss spending all of what should be YOUR JOINT money.

The cut off point has left the building, is running down the road and is waiting for you to catch up.

Please leave him.

prettywhiteguitar · 09/02/2013 21:00

Put your kids first they don't need this

Lueji · 09/02/2013 21:02

It just seems like a pathetic reason to tear my family apart

You are not breaking the family apart. He is.
It's his choice to ignore his family.

Original poster
cocopopps · 09/02/2013 21:03

We're both 25 We had a first DS when we was 17 so very young and we split up when my DS was 4 for a year and a half whilst I had our second child, in that time he rented a place with his friands had parties every night so i kinda thought it would be out of his system.
in the week he's reverts back to a helpful loving partner and at the moment hes been very stressed about the eviction notice because he says he wants the very best for us but as soon as the weekend comes he dissapears on a bender

OP posts:
Wereonourway · 09/02/2013 21:04

Op my ex was exactly like this, he would guilt trip me and make me feel like a twat for speaking out about it. Said he deserved to let his hair down etc.
I had ds 2 years ago and this just made him worse. He took no responsibility for ds it home life, left me paying bills and doing all parenting while he did what the fuck he liked.
It's not going to end well, you cannot stay with a man like this imo.
If he buggers off for 24 hours at a time and it happens week in week out he's hardly going to sit down and discuss things and reach a compromise is he?
I'm sorry you are with such a shit, I lived like that for 3 years plus. You cannot bring up children with this man. If he is anything like ex he will simply burden you with the responsibility of taking care of him and working around his selfishness.
You deserve more than this.
I left in August and have never been happier.

Viviennemary · 09/02/2013 21:04

I think it's time to call it day. This isn't acceptable behaviour and you shouldn't have to put up with it. I usually think things can be improved with patience and give and take. But this sounds beyond anything you should have to put up with.

Original poster
cocopopps · 09/02/2013 21:05

yes my names on the tenancy agreement and its through a private landlord.

OP posts:
Flobbadobs · 09/02/2013 21:07

He's not got anything out of his system love, he's still acting like a 17 year old and you may as well have 3 children. Can you stay where you are for a few days or get him to stay elsewhere for a while?

Wereonourway · 09/02/2013 21:08

My post sounds a bit harsh on reflection, sorry coco, it's not meant to be nasty in anyway.
25 is so young to be settling like this for the rest of your life.
It's so lovely going to bed knowing I won't be woken at 5/6am with vomit being splashed around the room.
I sleep better, I enjoy my weekends with my gorgeous boy and would not go back in a million zillion years

scottishmummy · 09/02/2013 21:09

him coming,going isn't big issue.significant is he leaves family with inadequate money
face it after numerous heart to heart he ain't changing, isnt listening to you
stark choice, 1. stay hope he gets better or 2. you go

Original poster
cocopopps · 09/02/2013 21:14

He does get upset when he see's how hurt it makes me when we talk about it as this is the only problem in the relationship and he fully admits its wrong and that he hates doing it but he's too scared of missing out on a good night and because all his friends are with GF's who put up with this type of behaviour they all think im being unfair.
He's VERY easily led and when drunk will do anything his mates say and do its kind of like he doesnt want to come accross as under the thumb to his friends

OP posts:
kalidanger · 09/02/2013 21:20

Hey hey hey coco Him staying out is most definitely not the only problem in your relationship. You're about to lose your home! He pisses all the family money up the wall. He's terribly sorry when you talk to him then completely ignores you.

What's stopping you leaving?

scottishmummy · 09/02/2013 21:21

coco you're a soft touch and you're making excuses about him.poor widdle man
his dreadful friends compelling him to spend all monies on booze and social jollies
maybe he does this because he knows he can,wobbles his bottom lip and you feel sorry for him

Original poster
cocopopps · 09/02/2013 21:21

do you think he'll grow out of it or do you think he'll always treat me like this??
i dont know what to say when i go home, i think i will be staying out for a couple of nights which ive never done before so wondering if this may shock him into seeing how close it is to me not being there at all and walking away for good

OP posts:
Casmama · 09/02/2013 21:24

He's not upset enough to stop doing it though is he?
I don't know how you can live not knowing if your bills are going to be paid or where your partner is. You are going to be evicted because he prioritises getting pissed with his mates over his partner and young children having a roof over their heads!

hermioneweasley · 09/02/2013 21:25

Only you can decide if you are prepared to put up with this. To me it sounds selfish in the extreme, which is unacceptable if you are a healthy family unit. But if you think you deserve no better and this is the role model you want for your kids, then keep letting it happen.

Original poster
cocopopps · 09/02/2013 21:26

hmmm i think youre right scottishmummy, i just think im in love with who he used to be rather than who hes turned into, i know one thing for cert6ain and that is that i do not deserve to be treated like this and i dont want to live like this for much longer, its hard to leave as we've been together since we was 15 and the only person ive been with we've been through alot together, a miscarriage two DS and the sad death of my wonderful dad two years ago and hes always been my rock

OP posts:
Casmama · 09/02/2013 21:26

He may grow out of it eventually but what are you willing to go through and put your children through in the meantime?

I do not think that you spending two nights away will have any effect at all- he'll probably just be glad to avoid the earache when he gets home and you are not there.

Casmama · 09/02/2013 21:27

You are absolutely right- you do deserve better.

delilahlilah · 09/02/2013 21:28

No, they don't grow out of it. He needs you to take charge and leave. Sort out yourself and your DC - he is taking the piss. You've grown up and he hasn't. He isn't putting you or the DC first, take a leaf from his book and drop him down your priority list. It may seem scary, but I bet you that you will feel calmer and happier if you do your own thing. I did, and I am so glad I did. I just wish I'd done it sooner.

oldraver · 09/02/2013 21:30

Yes he will probably eventually 'grow out of it' but not in time for you not to be evicted. You cant wait around for him to grow up

scottishmummy · 09/02/2013 21:36

will he change?no idea but he's out on piss for days on end and you always take him back
youre skint,not sure if enough money to feed kids, thats your priority
sorry you've had troubles you need a reliable man,not used to be nice guy now pisshead

Lueji · 09/02/2013 21:44

The friends are just an excuse.
He can choose his friends and make new ones.
Obviously, he chooses to be with these people.

Poor girlfriends. I wonder how many are considering leaving too...

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