Needing support because my partner is a sex addict. Anyone in Gtr M/CR feel the same?

[wheniwasyourage]

Hi. I have been searching for a group that offers support to women like me who are living with a sex addict. There must be lots of us out there? Is anyone willing to look at meeting up? Does anyone have specialist knowledge of the subject and would be willing to help set up a group? Don't ask me to bare my soul here, it's just not me sorry. And please do not give me lots of rants or tell me just to leave, it's really not helpful.

I'm not going to give you lots of rants, neither can I help, but if your dp has been formally diagnosed as a sex addict, I would think his doctors would be best placed to assist with advice for you, so your best bet would be to ask them.

If he's self-diagnosed it's a whole other story, and obviously one you don't want to look at just yet. Which is, of course, your right.

Best wishes, honestly.

You don't have to be in Manchester to be a sucker. Are you trying to fix him? Love him better?

A partner's addiction: you didn't cause it; you can't cure it; you can't control it.
We advise the partners of alcoholics, weed addicts, gamblers, gamers and porn addicts to leave. While they get around to it, we help them with detachment. Do you rate yourself differently to them?

No, I am not trying to fix him or love him better. I know I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. I am merely seeking support for myself, not him. Who are 'we', are you the spokesperson of them? I have no idea whether I will leave, I may well do. I rate myself as an individual, see and treat all others as such and would never throw blanket 'advice' at anyone. I didn't come here for an argument.

But have you asked his doctors for help? Does he have doctors?

Sorry but you obviously don't know much about the issue. Doctors are not the place to go. He is in counselling. I am seeking peer support for myself, that's the reason I posted here, thanks though for your concern.

I was in rehab with sex addicts. I've been to SLAA meetings with them. I'm unconvinced I know less about the issue than you do. Yes, doctors are involved with a properly diagnosed addiction.

I am sorry you're living in what must be a distressing amount of emotional chaos. I also hope you'll wake up soon and start being more objective about your situation.

Hello - no personal experience or advise but I saw your thread title moments after I had listened to an episode of womans hour (see below link - 2nd Feb) which was discussing support for partners of sex addicts and also some debate on diagnosis....good luck
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b007qlvb/episodes/player

It's true that I have no experience of "sex addiction". It's also true that I have seen many women in abusive relationships (used to work with Women's Aid) and, trite as it may be, I have read hundreds of threads here on MN started by women with cheating partners, who come up with all sorts of excuses for their behaviour. "Sex addiction", if self-diagnosed (have you spoken with the counsellor? Perhaps s/he can point you to peer-support?) is, ime, a dodgy excuse for "cannot keep my dick in my trousers".

You can get support here if your dp is a serial lying cheat. You'll get tons of support for that. You'll even get support for "my dp is a serial lying cheat but I'm scared to leave him."

But you won't get much for being a doormat, sorry.

And was your rehab succesful? My knowledge, life experience, etc are not up for sharing here. You did not answer who 'we' are? And I am sure you are used to people making ill informed, knee jerk judgements about you if you are an addict so why throw the same at others?. I hope that you got, and continue to receive, quality support yourself. You sound like you need it. I hope that all of this is not representative of people on this forum as it could do real damage to those more vulnerable than me, goodnight.

Thank you very much Downunder. To all others, I am no doormat. And anyone who has worked for womens aid should be ashamed to use such language.

I'm quite often patient & understanding. Tonight I got riled by your rather dictatorial OP and then by your subsequent aggressive posts. Looking for support: you've got a funny way of asking for it.

Actually, on re-reading your thread I find you downright rude. I'll leave you to it.

OK, I revert to my first reply, which was that if he's self diagnosed, it's a whole other story which you're not ready to look at. I notice you don't say whether you've spoken to his counsellor, or looked for advice/support there.

But it's your life and I'm really not looking to upset you; you have enough to deal with, so I'll bow out and honestly wish you the best.

No, he is not self diagnosed. Yes, I have been in touch with his counsellor who confirms that there are no groups of the kind I seek. I am more than ready to look at the whole issue and have been. I am merely seeking peer support. I know that Womens Aid support women and never tell them to leave, what to think etc.

Garlic- Sorry you find my responses aggressive. Am I supposed to be meek and grateful when someone calls me a sucker? Would that not make me a doormat?

I suggest you heed Dolly's advice and listen to the radio programme, you may learn something. Thanks again Dolly, a pleasant voice in a sea of anger.

OK, one last post, with loads of questions, before I go to bed. If he's not self diagnosed, who diagnosed him? What sort of a counsellor is he seeing? (There are many schools of thought.) What qualifications does the counsellor have? (Anyone can set up as a counsellor, there is no legal definition, no accountability). If a counsellor who specialises in this can't put you in touch with a peer-group locally, why do you think MN can?

Do peer-support groups exist? (Probably they do, you need to search a bit harder, and do it online. But it's probably not here.)

Your responses do come across as a bit aggressive, but I suspect it's because garlic and I are looking at the underlying stuff that, as I said originally, you're not ready to deal with yet. There is no anger from me, and probably not from garlic either, ime, and it's telling that you see it as such.

We'll still be here (broad, MN "we" btw) when you change your perception. And we won't be angry with you.

when. I am now listening to yesterday's womans hour programme and they are starting the show with letters from listeners and are doing an extra section on it with therapist as had a strong response.

Again, I have no idea about the issues that the other posters and you are discussing or whether or not the advise given on the show is any good - but it is another perspective and perhaps 'helps' (wrong word) to hear other people's experiences. I found it very interesting from an intellecutal perspective and there was a counsellor on who has set up a support group (who was apparently inundated with calls post show).

i don't want to weigh into the thread anymore but in a very gentle way perhaps your upset and hurt at the situation (which I can imagine) is shaping the way that you write or react to things? (I've been through a marriage breakdown recently and I know that I have carried anger with me that has been disproportionate at times and can also be extremely defensive as is common when one is in a situation when you feel isolated or marginalised).It would be a shame to limit responses as I am sure there are - as you say in your original OP - lots of women in your situation who may want to share experiences etc etc.

Anyway, good luck and hope you get some sleep (I am in Oz hence listening to Womans Hour at this time of day whilst I put off doing some work....)

x

To those judging, sex addiction is a very real disorder and not just always about a man sleeping around!! I've recently discovered that my DL is a sex addict and he's starting a 12 step recovery program. It's difficult enough as a partner living through this without snap judgements and nasty comments.

Given that the thread is over a year old, I supsect the OP got over it ZachsMummy...

Merely passing comment on a note I saw when looking for support...

Wheniwasyourage I would love to talk to you. I'm going through some stuff that I just can't discuss with my family. My husband is a sex addict I'm sure if it. I am diagnosing him and I just don't know whether to walk away or not? And I hope that although the post is a year old that this gives someone the perspective from time passed to give further advice.

Zacksmummy as well would love to chat with you. Unfortunately unless someone has walked this path then you just cant imagine what it is like.

Are you able to PM me?

Vicstar01 I am new to this forum and have PM'ed you.

I have only just joined and so got confused about how this worked. I have PM to the firsts message which was over a year old. I also discovered nearly two years ago that my husband was a sex addict. We have counselling separately and together. I am also a counsellor myself and so have attended training. This is a very real addiction that causes a lot of pain to all involved. I have also found that there can be some very judgemental people. We are still together and slowly things are getting easier and we are making progress. I have found it very difficult to find anyone in a similar position to me which is why I have joined. If anyone would like to chat and we can support each other then please do PM me. I would like to say to anyone who has just discovered that they are in this position please give yourself time. You do not need to make any rush decisions and only tell people that you really trust as people will always be quick with an opinion. Take care of yourselves. X

Hi- please log in to facebook page if you would like more information about the support for partners of sex addicts. Also you can email [email protected] in privacy. There is help and support for this very real problem- and not just for the addict either!!

how do I PM someone?? WOULD BE GLAD TO TALK.