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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Needing support because my partner is a sex addict. Anyone in Gtr M/CR feel the same?

43 replies

wheniwasyourage · 08/02/2013 03:24

Hi. I have been searching for a group that offers support to women like me who are living with a sex addict. There must be lots of us out there? Is anyone willing to look at meeting up? Does anyone have specialist knowledge of the subject and would be willing to help set up a group? Don't ask me to bare my soul here, it's just not me sorry. And please do not give me lots of rants or tell me just to leave, it's really not helpful.

OP posts:
Deluge · 25/07/2014 17:46

Sex addiction is a real disorder if a psychiatrist or psychologist are involved in diagnosing. Deciding you're an addict and rocking up to sex addicts anonymous? Dunno about that. Lots of (usually men) there are just looking for excuses for their shitty behaviour. Trust me!

If youre looking for support for yourself, see a counsellor. Do something for YOU. I wouldn't join a group full of other women with 'sex addicted' husbands. Sounds fucking depressing and all about them.

Niceli · 04/09/2014 17:00

I have also recently discovered that my boyfriend is a porn addict and am looking for a support group in London. Does anyone have any ideas (other than to kick him out which I am already inclined to do). I don't want to see a counsellor I would rather chat to people going through the same kind of thing with real experiences.

Niceli · 04/09/2014 17:04

Gosh, sorry, just seen how old your post is. I hope you have got through the traumas by now.

Rosierooroo · 05/09/2014 13:31

Yes you can go to the partners group at the marylebone centre (Google it) or there is a support group called COSA that meets in the West End. If you google ATSAC too they give details of groups in London. Good luck.

firesidechat · 05/09/2014 13:49

Well this old thread has gone a bit weird hasn't it. All these new/namechanged posters with sex addict partners. Who knew it was so common.

QuietTooLong · 12/01/2015 17:33

Well, seven months on and lots of counselling for both of us and husband has completed the (completely brilliant) Rob Kelly "Thrive" programme and the verdict is pretty much that "sex addiction" is bullshit really.

Maybe a person can't control their desires but their ACTIONS are a whole other ballgame. Calling something (like this) an addiction allows the perpetrator to excuse him or herself from their actions - poor me, I'm an addict. And there is no excuse - sure there are reasons people want to do something - but actions are deliberate concrete choices. You can't control your thoughts, or desires (although even that is debateable) but you sure as hell CAN choose what you do with them.

Take Katie Price and Kieran for example - he is out there slagging off Jane Pultney and the other woman and saying they "didn't have to meet him" etc. etc. somehow trying to put the onus for his wrongdoing on them - it's absolute rubbish. I understand Katie's reaction/misguided beliefs - because when you are betrayed and terribly hurt by the person you love most, pinning the blame on the women and making it seem like he couldn't resist cause golly gee the poor guy is an addict DOES help to ease the pain for a while. But you know what? At the end of the day, HE cheated, HE chose to follow through on his desires, and HE - not Jane o the other woman - are responsible for Katie's pain. Likewise for all the other cheating shits out there. Don't delude yourself or try to absolve yourself by crying "sex addiction". Actions baby, actions. Man up.

Mom2K · 12/01/2015 19:24

Oh hun, my ex was one too. I tried to stay through it, while he 'got help' and it was a long rocky road. I didn't get the kind of improvement I needed to feel ok in the relationship, and he also became better at hiding things.

The whole situation really messes with your head. I don't think it's worth it to try and help him or stick it out. The kids and I are much better off now on our own. But I will stay this (since it seems like you are not ready to leave) - a person who is serious about getting help will do so on their own, and shouldn't be using you as a crutch in any kind of way. He should be seeking help because HE knows he needs it, and not doing it just to make you happy or under thread of divorce. You should not need to act like a mother (monitoring his every move etc) and why would you want to - it's exhausting! Often times addicts really need to hit rock bottom before they buck up and get serious. And this type of problem in particular is very deeply ingrained...it's going to be rough. If he's making any kind of effort to move forward I sincerely hope his reasons are genuine.

INsh0ck123 · 12/01/2015 20:02

After 7 years together and married 3 years, today I told my sex addict husband to leave. Feeling messed up.

Grannywrinkles · 27/01/2015 08:12

Hi, fellow sufferer, not sure if this response is too late as your post was a year ago but I am desperately searching for a self help or discussion group. I have recently discovered that my husband is an internet porn addict. We are doing lots of positive things to deal with this and have chosen not to part company but as he is getting lots of external support, I am feeling very much at sea and alone. Would love to chat online or meet up with fellow sufferers. I live in Yorkshire but love driving and would happily go distances to share with others

Jux · 27/01/2015 09:36

This reminds me of the book thread which got pulled a few days ago.

Feelingnumbandsad · 03/02/2015 14:42

I am there too. Would really like to speak to someone in a similar situation. Please feel free to PM me.

firesidechat · 03/02/2015 14:46

This is a zombie thread, but the post by QuietTooLong was excellent.

Unpronounceable · 03/02/2015 15:43

So weird that certain threads get bumped over and over.

Bardy · 08/03/2015 17:51

This message may be rather late for you but I am in the process of setting up a Partners Support Group in the Greater Manchester area. Please dont suffer in silence please get in touch.

Movingforwards · 17/07/2019 11:26

Looking for support myself. If anyone has gotten through this with or without partner I’d love to chat. Or if anyone is going through it now, also would love a buddy to chat to.

annon1987 · 16/10/2019 16:03

I would love to talk to people going through this. Ive just discovered yesterday my partner has been doing some terrible things and i feel so confused/alone and depressed

Interestedwoman · 16/10/2019 17:18

Aware it's a zombie thread-

'Sex addict' is a fairly disputed concept and not all professionals believe in it, in particular probably not those with more formal and lengthy training, such as psychiatrists. It's not a physical addiction as such, like alcohol or heroin etc.

We've seen again and again on these boards how cheaters or porn lovers etc say 'I'm addicted' when discovered, in order to claim they can't help it, as a final excuse to be able to keep a cushy life,if they can't think of anything else.

Believe in sex addiction if you want, but also this is what sleazeballs say when they're discovered.

If you think about it, whether someone is a sex addict or not is irrelevant if the behaviour is the same as that of a cheating or sleazy wanker.

What mattered is if you are prepared to put up with what he's done/is doing.

If his behaviour (which you haven't gone into) upsets you, I would leave him if he does it again, not that you would necessarily know, so it's a matter of whether you can trust him and how much you minded whatever it is.

That you're seeking a group means you are finding it hard to come to terms with. That's not a failure in you- it's all on him. He should be doing all he can to help you feel it's put behind you- but a lot of women might not be able to put whatever-it-is behind you.

Maybe you could have individual therapy to help you think through how you feel about it all?

annon1987 · 16/10/2019 18:09

I found out he has visited a prostitute for a blowjob. We have talked about ir non stop since. Hes been honest and showed me his accounts and had been watching tons of porn in the lead up. He had already booked in to speak to a councillor before i found out. We have spoke about the problems he has going on that he hasn't addressed with me. Im not the best at communicating. Im in no means justifying his behaviour. Its unjustifiable i know that. I feel like a fool by staying and trying to gwt past this. Before this he was what id say was the perfect man and step father. Our friends would comment on our relationship. I cant leave him i love him too much and i know he does love me although i know this isnt how you treat someone you love. He seems to have managed tk completely separate this part of his life. I cant talk to anybody about it. Ive never felt so low. Can people change with help and communication? Is it worth trying?

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