To feel physically sickened about what happened today? DD's 'father' (who she's never met!) is one of the staff members at her after school club!

[ScaryWary]

I'm still in shock, so sorry if this turns out to be a bit of a ramble. Not spoken to anyone in RL about this yet today, as every time i mention him to friends/family, they just rant and name call, whereas i need a sensible, outside perspective.

DD (just turned 5yo) has started going to a sports club in the gym hall after school for an hour on Thursdays.

Today was the first session.

When i went and picked her up, i noticed my ex - dd's father - was one of the sport coaches/staff members. He was dealing with the register and ticking off the kids' names as parents came for them. I didn't even recognise him for a moment. I called on dd then turned to tell him her name (so he could mark her off the register) and that's when we both seemed to recognise each other.

He looked terrified. Looked at me, then dd briefly, then turned away to another parent who was telling him to mark her child's name from the register.

I grabbed dd and bolted home with her.

She had no idea who he was. He, it would seem, had no idea who she was until he saw me and put two and two together. They'd spent an hour together not knowing who each other was.

I'm now sickened and in shock. I can't believe this has happened.

He is a vile, horrible man (well, he was to me anyway). He was abusive in our relationship, mostly emotionally, would force/blackmail me into having sex with him, called me names, hit me twice, trashed my flat one time because i was delayed amswering the buzzer to him (i was vaccuuming so couldn't hear it).

When dd was born, his anger problems worsened. I begged him to get help, he didn't. He'd invite his friends round to my flat, get drunk, while i was expected to look after newborn dd.

He was drunk one night and almost dropped her down the stairs when she was 3 days old. I burst into tears and he got angry with me for crying and 'making him feel bad'. He shoved me against the wall while i was holding her.

He left. A few days later, he was round for a visit (trying to make excuses for his behaviour/apologise etc). Stupidly, i agreed to let him stay the night on the sofa. DD was not sleeping through. She was crying all night. Partner stormed upstairs yelling at her to shut the fuck up, picked her up and started shaking her, screaming 'you've been fed and changed - what the fuck else do you want?'

I told him to leave. Only when i threatened to go to the police did he finally go.

The police visited me in the morning. They said it would be hard to press charges as it would be my word against his. I had taken dd to the docs that morning too and she was fine, no marks etc. He only shook her a little, not enough to leave physical evidence.

Anyway, never saw him again after that. He never made contact, and i never bothered to look him up. I changed dd's surname back to mine when she was 18months old, and gave her a new middle name, hoping this would stop him being able to locate her easily (e.g. seeing her name randomly in the local newspaper etc).

So today is the first time i've seen him since dd was a few days old.

What do i do? DD has autism, and her father's brother has it too. I can remember ex and his vile mother calling the brother horrid disabilist names, slapping him, telling him he's an idiot, teasing him about how he'll never have a normal life etc.

This man is an animal. No matter how much i complained in the past about his antics, it was always my word against his, so he has a clean police record. He was very clever.

Due to dd's autism, she finds social situations difficult. When i read the info pack for this sports club i thought it would be the making of her! She has been looking forward to it for weeks. She'll be heartbroken if i take her out of it for no (apparent) reason.

I'm so confused. This man shouldn't be teaching in schools He shouldn't be around kids. Especially mine. But i'll look like a maniac if i go into the school and reveal his past when i have no proof.

What if this makes him suddenly decide he wants to be a part in dd's life? What if he tries to make contact?

I feel scared about taking her to school tomorrow. After i'd left, he could have went and spoke to the Head about dd for all i know. He could request to see her school record etc. I feel so powerless. How can a man - a stranger to dd - be allowed to just waltz back into her life so easily?

DD is desperate for a father figure. I've never had another relationship since her father (who was my first). I think she notices she's the only child in her class with no dad. SHe constantly quizzes me about him. I try to give honest, neutral answers. 'He didn't want to be a dad' 'He and Mummy didn't get on very well.' 'Your very lucky because you have a mummy, and some people don't have mums or dads at all.'

If she ever got wind of that man being her father, she'd be all over him like a rash.

My stomach is in knots.

Told you this would be a ramble.

You have to look at these things from a legal standpoint not an emotive one. Then once you have identified the possible legal risk, your take steps to block the gaps.

The situation is a whole lot of what ifs.

The DepH is bound by the law, if there is no court order in place and the father has PR then she is bound to facilitate that if requested.

There is no prosection for violence against the father.

As for the birth certificate comment, if he so chose, he could get one online in 30 seconds. The Op has already validated by her conversation with the DepH that he is the father and has PR.

He has PR, he has rights, if he chooses to exercise them - which is probably unlikely. On the other hand he has chosen to work with children, tehrefore he must 'like' them somewhat. Perhaps he's grown up a bit?

That's what I was saying flurp. This is too important an issue to just run around like your hair is on fire. OP must gather the courage to have an adult conversation with her ex. Document the conversation. Then, if you cannot agree or if he fails to uphold your agreement, take the next step. Legal advice is a must. -But, at this stage, only so that OP knows her options.

Get her out of the after school club. It may have been the making of her, but you can't think about that. Get her involved in something else after school instead.

If he has no other part to play in school life then that's what I would do. Maybe speak to the head and say no one else is to take her out of school apart from you.

Thanks for the correction HollyBerryBush. I do find it strange that birth records in Scotland can be downloaded from the internet by anyone in a jiffy. In the States, you must prove a privileged relationship to obtain a copy. And then it costs money because it is an official governmental document. If anyone could get an American birth certificate in the US, they could use it for mischief (fake identity, citizenship, etc)

Here such documents are a matter of public record - anyone can access anyones details.

Geneology is big business!

Going O/T there has been a big screed in our press lately about the police assuming identies of dead children to infiltrate chat rooms. Caused some outrage, but if you need a bone fide ID to prevent harm to others then its also as you say, open to abuse by fraudsters.

can you get emergency residency from the court this afternoon? th means that he has to give he back... ing omens aid... look on the reltionships board for details.

Even with PR, the school don't know him, your DD doesn't know him, they have different names. School will not allow a stranger to walk away with your child, even if he does say he's her father. There were people with PR at DS school who were not allowed access to their own kids, schools are used to this sort of situation and won't just hand DD off.

So please, take a breath, centre yourself and make a list of what you need to do next.

Appt with HT on Monday. You also need to get your contact details back from the club, she can do that.
Solicitor after that. What are your rights? Talk to him about restraining orders - if X can't be within 20 feet of DD then he can't be in her school for example.
I would also go and see GP about records of the shaking incident but that's possibly less urgent.

Stay calm, don't think about the worst case scenario, focus on what you can do to keep you both safe. Best of luck.

There'd have to be grounds like a real threat of kidnapping to get an emergency order this afternoon, lets not whip the poor OP up into a complete frenzy.

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/children/parental-rights.aspx

Take a look at this OP, should allay your fears somewhat. Certainly beats all the hypothesis on this thread!

I'd echo the posts to say get proper specialist family law advice from a solicitor today. Lawscot.org.uk or familylawassociation.org may help you find a specialist nearby.

I wouldn't speak to him at this stage.

When you see the head ask what has been disclosed to him re your dd. risk assessments will have been done for the activity. I would assume some sen info would have been disclosed so activity could be accessible to all.

You are reeling but don't assume he isn't.

If he has lied to get crb or even if not he will be panicking his job could be at risk.

Worse than that he knows nothing about dd or her diagnosis. He may be thinking she is brain injured due to shaken baby syndrome and the police will arrest him now you have tracked him down.

Hi OP,

By coincidence something similar has happened to me today- DS's father, who hasn't seen him since he was 4 weeks old, has turned up at preschool.

He has evidently befriended some other parents, and was dropping their kids off. This is typical behaviour for him- he will worm his way into other peoples' family setups to gain legitimacy as a "good guy".

I'm going into pre-school early to talk to the head and, because we've had issues with him before, and I've had to explain the situation to her before, I am confident that she will be supportive (and hopefully ban him from the premises).

But I know exactly how you feel-trembling, shaky, feeling that no one will believe you. It's a classic after effect of emotional abuse. They will believe you. They will. WE believe you. (Saying that, I think that deputy head should be strung up. Appalling).

There is one absolutely glaring piece of evidence that this man is no good, despite all the community work and CRB checks in the world. And that is that he has not seen his daughter for five years. That counts for a lot.

So...good luck OP! I'll be thinking of you...and wish me luck too!

OP's concerns can be grouped into three categories:

Immediate: Is DD safe today? ---
You are already on the right path by alerting the school admin. I think DD will be safe, as the school administrator has shad that she will keep her eye on DD. The ex will seem odd if he starts having a private conversation with on of the children.

Intermediate: Will DD be safe on an ongoing basis if the ex has reason to come into contact with DD? Will the ex tell DD that he is the father? Will the ex try to involve himself if DD's life. --
The first step toward resolution is to determine the ex's current situation and state of mind. Is he married? Does he have other children? Does he want a relationship with DD? Is he bitter, vindictive and a potential harm to you and DD? What you learn will help you order your next steps. You should not take actions that bring harm to the ex's reputation/livelihood if it's not necessary for protection of your DD.

Long Term: What is OP to do about the ex and his role in DD's life? Should DD ever know about the ex as her bio father? Has the ex changed and become worth of seeing DD? Or the opposite, is the ex the same horrid man and OP should seek permanent resolution so the DD never has to deal with the ex on any level.--
This is the hardest part. If the worst case scenario emerges (ex is horrid and wants contact), you may have to move to minimize contact. You will need a legal representation to get a custody agreement filed in court. If the best scenario emerges (ex has changed and is willing to dance to your tune with respect to DD's best interests), you will still need legal representation to have a custody agreement filed in court.

What a horrible shock. OP be careful how you approach the school, a decent head would want to know, but are they a decent head? When my ex assaulted me on police advice I left and went to stay to my sisters 20 miles away and was concerned that my ex may try to snatch my dd. When I approached her (the head) she said it was my word against his and unless he had been convicted there was no evidence and that he had just as many rights as I did.

Same head did a similar thing to my friend - who had actually turned up at school black and blue on more than one occasion.

So be very careful how to do it. Is there a teacher you get on well with you can approach first? Do your research first and try to get evidence, the doctor and deed poll letter may be good to get hold of.

Also just start looking for a different club and if you are in any way concerned ring the police 101 number and tell them.

Massive x-post. Get legal advice and contact Women's Aid OP. I'd definitely take her out of the club and even the school if they won't listen to you. Right now take some deep breaths and take action, make some calls to the above and see where you stand. Trust yourself, you kept your DD safe from him before you can do it again. Get support around you today. And have a hug, you're going to sort it and you're stronger than you think.

Scary - you say that your ex would try and get a contact order if you tried to get your situation legalised (residence etc.) - why? He's done fuck all for the last 5 years, has he not known where you are in all that time? I'm not suggesting that you're necessarily wrong, just worried that you might be panicking for no real reason over that point.

Also - if you have evidence that his and his mother's behaviour towards the autistic brother/son was abusive, this may be useful in your case - when you see the solicitor, do mention it to them as well, because it could constitute a legitimate fear for your DD's safety if she were made to have contact with her father and/or grandmother (assuming she's still alive, of course).

Sorry only had time to read half the thread as baby I care for just waking up but this website www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php may be able to help

It sounds like you can't really do anything about his presence, it would be unreasonable for the school to kick him out on your say-so, you might be a vindictive ex with an axe to grind, they don't know.

The deputy sounds horrific I would be making a complaint about her,
I agree with majority of people you need to speak to the head,
I would also get a residency order asap just for peace of mind.
I would also remove my child from school until you can speak to the head as you believe the school is not doing what is in the best intrest of your dd and i would say this when you were collecting her.
If this doesnt get resolved soon you will have melt down.

p.s. I dont know how you didnt say anything to him I couldnt bite my toungue so well done for that bit

I had the worry of my ex taking my ds2 out of school as he had previously refused to return him to my care had to go to court an get an emergency residency order just for him to be returned I kept in touch with the school though all this and when I asked if they would not allow my son to be picked up by his dad they said there wasnt anything she could do but she would hold him up in the class room with distractions while they contact me i live over road from the school luckily,
I really hope every thing works out for you and your dd

the contact was supervised - so long as head and teachers are aware and asked not to let dd go off with him in view of the fact he has been out of her life for five years, then that should be enough for now. he is a stranger to her right now. keep telling them that. stick to basic facts.

you need to establish if he does have plans to make contact. if so - given the long gap - then you can rightly ask for supervised contact at a contact centre until she knows him better,

yes he has pr but so do you and he hasn't been around - you can decide n contact or not. if he wants contact - offer contact centre.

he doesnt need to have lied for CRB - if it came up as an allegation five years ago then what impact would it have had on choosing him for a job? realistically.
no conviction was made.

why would he not turn up? it is his job, like it or not...

op maybe you have to make contact perhaps thru a solicitor to ascertain his intentions vis a vis your dd. keep reiterating to the teachers and head that he is a stranger to your DD, hasnt seen her for five years; and given her autism she should not at this stage be made aware of who he is, nor should he be allowed to take her off anywhere alone.

I think you need legal advice , so that you can get clear answers about how to protect your daughter in a legally watertight way.

Even though police did not press charges, is there a record that you reported it to the police?

In your shoes, I would consider writing to the Headteacher - keep a copy- explaining that there is a safeguarding issue around your daughter having contact with this man. Explain that when she was a baby he was violent to you and behaved violently towards her by shaking her; you reported this to the police (giving any reference numbers if you have them) but were advised that there was insufficient evidence to press charges. Just give facts. This means that there is a written record that you have reported a possible threat to your child's safety.

This man is probably terrified about what you are going to say. Given that he appeared shocked to see you, it would seem unlikely that he's sought you out to gain access to your daughter. But now is the time to get something concrete in order legally.

As others have said, seek urgent legal advice, and act on it to safeguard your dd.

This man raped you (coercing and blackmail is exactly that, rape), been violent towards you and a newborn child - IMO it doesn't matter if he is a different/better person now, I hope he is for his own sake and the sake of others involved with him, but nothing changes what he did to you and your dd.

I hope you manage to resolve the situation quickly - I would be tempted to keep her out of school until you have discussed it with the ht - as you work from home you could look at home ed as a short or medium term solution.

Don't feel you have to PROVE anything, you don't, you can still act by moving schools - if he is employed by a council, he would only be going into school run by that council and in your situation id be thinking of moving council areas if I could - in some areas of Scotland that will be easier than others, it will depend on your location ( in my bit of Scotland I live in one council area, but another 2 areas are within 8 miles... I would be seaking legal advice to ensure he didn't get the name of he new school, and you should be looking very carefully at your online footprint - now he has seen your dd who knows what will be going through his head.

OP lets put this in perspective. What evidence do you have that your ex is going to abduct your child or even start up a father/daughter relationship? You say he hasn't been in contact since she was a few days old. He has probably moved on in his life and may even have a settled relationship and other children. Until you have a conversation with him you won't know how he feels about your dd.
She does have a right to see her father if that's what they both want.

If you really don't want your dd to have anything to do with him you're going to have to take drastic action and move away. He hasn't been convicted of a criminal offence against you and has passed an advanced CRB check and works in a postion of responsibility.

You had some nasty experiences five years ago (I assume that's the approximate age of your child) but he may well addressed his poor anger managementand drinking habits since you last knew him.

Legal advice available here www.childrenslegalcentre.com/