To feel physically sickened about what happened today? DD's 'father' (who she's never met!) is one of the staff members at her after school club!

[ScaryWary]

I'm still in shock, so sorry if this turns out to be a bit of a ramble. Not spoken to anyone in RL about this yet today, as every time i mention him to friends/family, they just rant and name call, whereas i need a sensible, outside perspective.

DD (just turned 5yo) has started going to a sports club in the gym hall after school for an hour on Thursdays.

Today was the first session.

When i went and picked her up, i noticed my ex - dd's father - was one of the sport coaches/staff members. He was dealing with the register and ticking off the kids' names as parents came for them. I didn't even recognise him for a moment. I called on dd then turned to tell him her name (so he could mark her off the register) and that's when we both seemed to recognise each other.

He looked terrified. Looked at me, then dd briefly, then turned away to another parent who was telling him to mark her child's name from the register.

I grabbed dd and bolted home with her.

She had no idea who he was. He, it would seem, had no idea who she was until he saw me and put two and two together. They'd spent an hour together not knowing who each other was.

I'm now sickened and in shock. I can't believe this has happened.

He is a vile, horrible man (well, he was to me anyway). He was abusive in our relationship, mostly emotionally, would force/blackmail me into having sex with him, called me names, hit me twice, trashed my flat one time because i was delayed amswering the buzzer to him (i was vaccuuming so couldn't hear it).

When dd was born, his anger problems worsened. I begged him to get help, he didn't. He'd invite his friends round to my flat, get drunk, while i was expected to look after newborn dd.

He was drunk one night and almost dropped her down the stairs when she was 3 days old. I burst into tears and he got angry with me for crying and 'making him feel bad'. He shoved me against the wall while i was holding her.

He left. A few days later, he was round for a visit (trying to make excuses for his behaviour/apologise etc). Stupidly, i agreed to let him stay the night on the sofa. DD was not sleeping through. She was crying all night. Partner stormed upstairs yelling at her to shut the fuck up, picked her up and started shaking her, screaming 'you've been fed and changed - what the fuck else do you want?'

I told him to leave. Only when i threatened to go to the police did he finally go.

The police visited me in the morning. They said it would be hard to press charges as it would be my word against his. I had taken dd to the docs that morning too and she was fine, no marks etc. He only shook her a little, not enough to leave physical evidence.

Anyway, never saw him again after that. He never made contact, and i never bothered to look him up. I changed dd's surname back to mine when she was 18months old, and gave her a new middle name, hoping this would stop him being able to locate her easily (e.g. seeing her name randomly in the local newspaper etc).

So today is the first time i've seen him since dd was a few days old.

What do i do? DD has autism, and her father's brother has it too. I can remember ex and his vile mother calling the brother horrid disabilist names, slapping him, telling him he's an idiot, teasing him about how he'll never have a normal life etc.

This man is an animal. No matter how much i complained in the past about his antics, it was always my word against his, so he has a clean police record. He was very clever.

Due to dd's autism, she finds social situations difficult. When i read the info pack for this sports club i thought it would be the making of her! She has been looking forward to it for weeks. She'll be heartbroken if i take her out of it for no (apparent) reason.

I'm so confused. This man shouldn't be teaching in schools He shouldn't be around kids. Especially mine. But i'll look like a maniac if i go into the school and reveal his past when i have no proof.

What if this makes him suddenly decide he wants to be a part in dd's life? What if he tries to make contact?

I feel scared about taking her to school tomorrow. After i'd left, he could have went and spoke to the Head about dd for all i know. He could request to see her school record etc. I feel so powerless. How can a man - a stranger to dd - be allowed to just waltz back into her life so easily?

DD is desperate for a father figure. I've never had another relationship since her father (who was my first). I think she notices she's the only child in her class with no dad. SHe constantly quizzes me about him. I try to give honest, neutral answers. 'He didn't want to be a dad' 'He and Mummy didn't get on very well.' 'Your very lucky because you have a mummy, and some people don't have mums or dads at all.'

If she ever got wind of that man being her father, she'd be all over him like a rash.

My stomach is in knots.

Told you this would be a ramble.

I have to say I would want to take a legal representative or at least another adult with me to the meeting with the head. Not only to signal to the Head how seriously you view the issue, but also to ensure that every single point is made in a rational way - this is a very emotional issue for you and if you're anythign like me, it will be extremely difficult to keep that out of the way so another person who can help you out if you get into emotional territory would be useful.

And what Mosman said.

OP - this is a big deal, but please do not be reactive without thinking. Order your steps with reason not emotion. Write out a best case/worst case scenario. List pros & cons. Do not make unfounded assumptions and then run off reacting. You cannot risk a mistake.

I think one of the big problems here is that you are trying to work this out when you don't feel in control of where your DD is. Why not go to the school and bring her home right now? Then you can formulate any plan of action you want without worrying what's going on right now at the same time. Less stuff to juggle.

How awful for you.

Ok take a deep breath and start thinking logically.

I would leave dd in school for now as she is safe there. Then phone the school and make an appointment to see the head on Monday. Use the weekend to think about what you want her to know and what you want to happen.

Phone around to make appointments for legal advice. Arm yourself with information.

If you are worried he will come to your house, phone the police non emergency number and ask for advice.

Be kind to yourself.

Yes, I agree with Bobbi. Take someone with you to that meeting.

He may even be willing to sign over his parental rights so he will have no obligation to pay child support

That can't happen.

Really Mosman? If she wanted her new husband to adopt dd (for example), English law would not allow the bio father to relinquish his right?

Stay calm -I know easier said than done.
See the head today be factual about what you tell her. If possible record the meeting with her permission in case you have furture problems, etc. If she doesn't agree I would as soon as you get home summarise the entire meeting,and put it in a letter recorded delivery to her, thanking her for her assistance.
Then I would get legal advise - just advice so you know what your options are.
I would also think the time has come to decide what you tell your daughter as you want to be in charge of the information she is given.

Always get a written record on any conversation - in case it's needed. Never speak to her father, then there is no chance anything can be misuderstood twisted etc.

Stay strong.

Correction: Scottish law (or would family-law be the same across the UK?)

Her husband adopting is a different scenario but you can't do deals with regards to parental responsibility and money and quite bloody right too. Can you imagine the potential for abuse, sign here or I'll take you to the cleaners says mother and new husband.

This is awful but once you start taking practical steps you WILL feel more in control of what's happening. So...

1. Make an appointment with the head, asap - today? As others have said, take someone else with you to that appointment.

1. Get some legal advice asap.

1. Your dd can't go back to the after-school club. You can make that happen. But make sure you speak to the head about what's going to happen in the school. Also, make sure you ask a lawyer about advice on this issue.

Sorry, meant to also say, if you're stuck looking for legal advice, the legal matters board on here might be a good place to start.

Scottish law is different as is the school system and the way complaints and concerns are dealt with.

However, in a school, the priority should always be the safety of the child.

Legal advise is a must.

Also call your local authority and ask to speak to the Director of Education. Your ex is working for the local authority either directly or sub-contracting and they need to be aware of this situaion. The deputy head has not helped you in any way, they need to be aware of this also. Request that he is re-located to another school with immediate effect.

Agreed OhtheConfusion although it is unlikely the OP will be able to speak to a Director of Education but one of the managers.

This must be very distressing for you but you must remain calm and look after you and your daughter.
I teach and I cannot believe the reaction if the deputy. But for now there is nothing you can do about her. Is the head going to be back in school today? If she is try and get hold of her. The other option you have is you could contact the local authorities safeguarding officer. They usually have an excellent knowledge base and will be able to give you advice that is both practical and correct. Whilst a lot of advice on here is good you need to work in black and white.
We sometimes have these clubs in school and the staff can be very transient so may not stay around long.
It also sounds from his reaction that he doesn't know what to do so may do nothing. He hasn't done anything in the last five years!
Try to speak to someone today though so you don't worry all weekend. Take care.

I really feel for you. You need to try to make sure you are prepared for your meeting with the head, so you don't let them dismiss your concerns. I would try to get someone else along with me to the meeting as has been said.
I would also outline the situation and your cncerns on paper, like in your OP. take it with you to your meeting. That way you have something to refer to so won't miss out anything, also if you get emotional, you could just hand over your notes and your point will be made.
Good luck, and stay strong.

OP, if you can't speak to the Head today, go the next rung up and call in to your local authority, to speak to someone in the education management team - the Director of Education or one of the senior managers (better to speak to them direct, but your local councillors can help if you're having trouble).

I'd just explain what you have here - you're worried that your ex will have access to your daughter's files. They need to be aware that there's an issue here, and it sounds like the Deputy Head hasn't taken it seriously.

OP, one thing in your favor is that due to the name difference, your ex will have to prove he is the father on paper before he is allowed access to your dd. That will take him a few days to get the paperwork.

The Director is far more acessible than you would think (a member of the family is one) and they do take concerns seriously. In scotland if Director unavailable ask for the Chair (this person is a councilor but works hand in hand with Director).

OP are you ok? Your head must be reeling with all of this. Follow your gut feelings-if you want to go and get your baby now then do that.
Give yourself some time over the weekend to think. And maybe guve Womens Aid a call ?
If he shows up at the house, ring the police. Don't hesitate. Its unlikely that he will but until you know what his motives may be keep yourselves safe.
Monday go and see the head and explain the situation. He would be mad to attempt to just take your dd out of school and they won't just let him!
Then also speak to a solicitor. It is a sad fact that even abusive fathers are given rights over their children so you need to be prepared if he does make contact.
Stay strong OP and maybe post again in lone parents where there are always people who have been through and are going through similar.

This might sound loopy but rather than second guessing his intentions and reacting to what he might do, could you (or a friend) actually speak to him and ask him what he plans doing? Maybe let him know that DD is autistic (to put him off??) and that don't want contact.
For all you know he might not want any involvement in her life - after all he hasn't tried to until now.

Go to school early at pick up time today and make sure the secretary has a meeting booked in with you first thing on Monday morning.

If there is anyone at school, like another mum from your dds class, ask if they can watch your dd for a couple of minutes so that you can speak to the class teacher with some privacy. Then tell her the situation briefly. She doesn't need details, just tell her that this man is your child's estranged father and that you're worried about what's going to happen next.

She will be able to keep an extra eye on your dd, will know not to let her go to anyone other than you at the end of the day, and she will appreciate being told what's going on by you. It can be frustrating for teachers who are trying to do their best for children in their care when they are left out of the loop because parents go directly to the head. I do think you need to speak to the head obviously, but it will be best to let the class teacher know what's going on. After all, she is the one that has the most contact with your dd, and it is likely that she will be present in the school time sport sessions, or at least her TA will be.