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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Moving away with child without tellin exp?

33 replies

Ieathatsforbreakfast · 07/02/2013 11:47

I'm going to keep this as vague as I can without drip feeding so I don't out myself in real life so I hope it makes sense.

We (me and ds) are moving out of the area (if it all goes well) within the next month. I don't know how to tell exP or when.

The situation with contact at the moment is he sees ds once a week for two hours ish supervised by me in my home. It's not court ordered supervised, just something we agreed together due to something in his past I'm not sure he lied about (which would affect ds safety) but exP thinks its supervised because of my anxiety about being apart from ds. I've offered him midweek visits too but he's never taken me up on them (until last week when he did come an extra day). This has been going on since October last year.

The move is 100 miles and is to be near family support which is necessary for me atm. I'm under the care of health professionals who have also recommended the move as a way to help me get better. Neither of us drive but we would live right near a train station so transport is easily doable.

I don't know how to tell exP though. My dad is worried for my safety and is concerned that if I tell him before we move, that exP may do something silly. He's hurt me before but only slightly when provoked so I'm not sure whether he would do anything. I am concerned that if I don't tell him before we move, its unfair on him. But at the same time I'm scared that he will fight it and delay the move and that my health will decline even more to the point of not being able to look after ds.

I'm just looking for advice, any advice, on the situation because I feel like my head is going to explode with the worry.

OP posts:

Locketjuice · 07/02/2013 11:51

You have to tell him, it is his child at the end of the day!

Locketjuice · 07/02/2013 11:52

Maybe do it over the phone and have a friend round in case he turns up she she/he can help diffuse the situation or call the police

YouOldSlag · 07/02/2013 11:56

He has a right to know. What if he turned up to an empty house? he is still the child's father. If you have any concerns, then go to court or mediation to get things down on paper.

He's hurt me before but only slightly when provoked hurting you is never justified.

However, if he is otherwise non violent and you have no actual proof that he "may have lied about something", then I think you are being unfair.

scaredbutexcited · 07/02/2013 12:35

I think you need to tell him. You are both parents to DS no matter what the relationship between the two of you.

I agree it would be wise to have some support though. Would suggest having someone else with you and maybe do over phone/in writing.

I do think he needs to know though.

Original poster

Ieathatsforbreakfast · 07/02/2013 12:45

Thanks everyone :) how soon do you think would be best to speak with him? As I say, I'm worried if i tell him too soon he will stop us completely and that I will not get the help I need to get better. I want to find the right balance of being fair to him but also of being fair to myself and ds who deserves a mum who can look after him. I feel very guilty about it all so I want to get it right.

OP posts:

Dahlen · 07/02/2013 12:51

Well I'm going to go against the grain here and say that if there's a history of domestic violence (which is what you've implied), and a serious risk to your MH likely if your X uses delaying tactics to keep you there, then I wouldn't tell him until almost immediately prior to your move so that he has no chance to sabotage it.

If the risk of DV is actually very high - and reading between the lines I suspect it may be given your parents' concern and your own choice of words minimising it - I'd seriously consider getting advice from social services about how to handle future contact. It may be in your interests to arrange supervised contact at a contact centre so that your X has no idea of your address.

Dahlen · 07/02/2013 12:57

Your first loyalty is to your son. Which means putting your needs before your X's because you are primary carer and you falling apart is going to have a massively detrimental effect on your son.

Courts rarely refuse to allow a parent to move for goodreasons because it is recognised that the welfare of the resident parent is so tied up with the welfare of the child. If the primary reason for moving is to gain access to a wider support network and cement family relationships, that's considered an important plus factor.

As long as you don't refuse contact, you are not doing anything wrong.

It's important not to move a child away from the other parent for selfish reasons, such as because you fancy a change or because you want to spite the other parent, but that's clearly not what's going on here. Ultimately, if your X was that bothered about being his son, he could have pushed for unsupervised contact and more of it well before now. As long as you allow contact after your move and meet your X half-way in facilitating it, if he gets difficult about you moving away now that would imply it's about control rather than anything else.

babyhammock · 07/02/2013 12:57

Completely agree with Dahlen. You really need to put yourself and DS's needs (who depends on you, as his primary carer, to be fit and well) above someone who has been abusive and who quite frankly doesn't sound that bothered.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/02/2013 12:57

I would present it as a fait accompli. Yes, in an ideal world you would flag it up in advance and give him chance to express his opinion. But if you have experience domestic violence before, you're unwell, alone and he is an unstable character I don't think you can afford to take any chances. This is about self-preservation, not tying yourself up in knots about keeping an abusive man sweet.

Dahlen · 07/02/2013 12:57

seeing not being

queenofthepirates · 07/02/2013 13:33

Tell him the night before on the phone.

You do need to tell him though, the consequences of not telling him in an appropriate manner could far outweigh the benefits.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 07/02/2013 13:37

Tell him after you have moved.

OneMoreGo · 07/02/2013 13:45

I would tell him after you have moved as well. definitely.

phoenixrose314 · 07/02/2013 13:48

Listen to this story carefully.

I have a good friend whose partner was a complete asshole. They lived in a flat together, he lost all interest in her as soon as she became pregnant but was quite happy to put photos of his penis on craigslist and send flirty texts whilst she was in same room, not to mention watching porn when he was supposed to be looking after their 1.5 yr old, leaving him in dirty nappies and unfed for hours at a time...

She saved up money and removed her child and all their stuff one night he was out. They moved back to her hometown where she stayed with her mum. Now, despite all his assery and clear disregard for his missus and son, he applied for custody.... and won. Primarily because she hadn't informed her ExP of their move, and the judge ruled that she had had her own interests in mind and not the best interests of her child.

I am still in shock that this happened, but it's worth taking note that your ExP could make life difficult for you and it may not end well!!!!

Dahlen · 07/02/2013 13:50

I suspect there is more to that case than meets the eye. It's quite an exceptional outcome.

Original poster

Ieathatsforbreakfast · 07/02/2013 14:47

Based on our relationship, I don't think the risk of him hurting me is that high but the more I think about it the more worried I am. My dad is concerned because exP is a big guy and our front door could be easily kicked in so I think he worried if it did upset exP, he could do something if he wanted. I feel so muddled because on one hand I don't think he would do anything but on the other so much of what he told me (some about
very serious stuff) has turned out to be lies that I don't feel I actually know him well enough anymore to judge. I'm scared of being too calm and thinking he won't do anything and then waking up to find ds isn't there and he's been taken or him getting in and hurting us but also scared of doing this wrong and being punished for it in the future.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/02/2013 14:51

OK here's what you do. You tell him you and DS are going for a break to your parents so they can help you with your illness. As you are leaving you get word to him that it's permanent. Then you have discharged your obligation to let him know where you are but you've left the crucial part - that it's permanent - until he is in no position do anything.

If you're even thinking in terms of him kicking down doors he's a dangerous man. Most of us wouldn't even consider that as a possible outcome.

sassy34264 · 07/02/2013 14:59

Tell him after you have moved.

In an ideal world, with a guy who is normal ish it would be fair and just to say- they have a right to know, it's their child too, but in this case, the fact that you are sooo worried should ring alarm bells.

I have a dd by an ex and 3 dc's by my now dp. It would be totally ridiculous concept/idea for me to move without telling my now dp, (if we split up) as he is normal, stable, loving, rational etc but was an absolute necessity with my exdp. (DV, personality disorder etc)

Trust your instincts is the usual advice on here.

Good luck.

YouOldSlag · 07/02/2013 19:10

OP- does he have a history of violence? Why are you scared of him? You allude to one incident. Once is once too many, but do you have genuine grounds based on past form?

I may be going against the grain here but if you move a man's son 100 miles away without telling him, you cannot expect for that not to make him angry. I'm not saying he is allowed to be aggressive, but do not take his son away and then be surprised because he doesn't like it.

If someone moved away with my son, they could reasonably expect me to be pretty angry after doing that, and I would try and find him. Your son has a right to have a relationship with his father, so it is best to inform your ex of your move and intentions and contact details. Unless you have grounds to fear for your safety, in which case, take legal advice.

If he has history of violence, then take legal advice and go to mediation and keep to the supervised visits, but make them legitimate.

thegreylady · 07/02/2013 20:11

Wait until you move then email him and tell him you have moved and that you will set up arrangements for contact as soon as you can.

Original poster

Ieathatsforbreakfast · 07/02/2013 20:44

He's hurt me physically a couple of times (but again, could argue I provoked him) but mildly I guess in the sense of he's held me to the floor and wouldnt let me up and then kicked me when I was trying to get back up after he let go of me and he's pushed me over when I was trying to stop him picking up the baby while he was angry (I was scared he would hurt him by accident). I'm scared of him because he is a foot taller than me and about 8 stone heavier and when he held me down I couldn't get up so I am scared if he did try to do anything I would have no chance at all.

I'm also scared that if I tell him before we move he will fight it and I will have to stay while it goes through mediation and court. If that happens, my health will be affected and then he could use that as a reason to get full custody if it declines that badly. That's why I was wondering about telling him afterwards so he can't do that part so even if it did go to court after that, ill be getting the help I need during that time if that makes sense?

I know he will be angry either way so I'm trying to decide if its better for him to be angry a few streets away from me or 100 miles away.

OP posts:

botandhothered · 07/02/2013 21:38

At the moment you say you supervise his contact with DS. When you move 100 miles away, I suspect he will no longer be happy with travelling so far for just 2 hrs contact.
If you have no proof of DV, then the courts would happily award him at least every other weekend with your son. This is considered a very normal arrangement. He would collect your son on a Fri and return Sun evening. Would you be happy about that?

lemonstartree · 07/02/2013 21:46

how old is ds?

Hissy · 07/02/2013 21:47

I think you should call woman's Aid. Perhaps Rights of Women too, and tell them everything you have told us.

Do your health professionals know all this, is it logged?

You need to make sure that the facts that justify you leaving are well known and corroborated.

Leaving men that batter women is the most dangerous time there is, don't take chances, if you need to flee, do it. You're protecting yourself and your son.

YouOldSlag · 07/02/2013 21:50

Op, that is awful.

Most importantly, get rid of the idea that you provoked him. Violence is never the answer, and if he is 8 stone heavier and a foot taller, then it was bullying as well. It was hardly self defence on his part!

You are not to blame.. You did not provoke him. Please don't ever give yourself even 1% of the blame for violence against you.

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