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Relationships

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Original poster

Dating "separated" man

35 replies

theendishere · 07/02/2013 11:41

met someone online, been chatting for weeks and met up a few days ago. he seems nice - genuine and kind, and is keen for a second date.
However whilst he is separated from his wife (daid he got decree nisi a few weeks ago) he and his ex still haven't sorted out all their finances, etc although he said he called a solicitor to find out what info was needed to get an consent order drafted.
I am in a similar position albeit further on as ex and I still live in the same house, but the house it up for sale and i'm on the lookout for somewhere new.

I guess I'm just a little wary, but I know (from my own situation too) that many people do live in the same house (albeit separately) until matters are resolved. Any thoughts? Am I being over cautious?!

OP posts:

izzyizin · 07/02/2013 11:56

It seems you're not just on the lookout for 'somewhere' new but also for 'someone' new.

Why the rush? Why not wait until you have established yourself in a new home, have taken stock of what went wrong in your previous relationship, and have got to know yourself again before casting around for another man?

As for this one, if it is as he says there's nothing wrong with enjoying his company on occasion but you're best advised not to view him as anything more than a friend until he's fully detached and living entirely separately from his allegedly stbxw.

You should also be aware that divorce can cause emotional neediness in seemingly stable individuals and that rebound relationshps which are conducted in the aftermath of marriage breakdowns rarely last.

Original poster

theendishere · 07/02/2013 12:00

I was thinking along those lines too - ie possibly see him from time to time as a friend

OP posts:

PureQuintessence · 07/02/2013 12:03

Why are you so desperate to be dating again.

You dont seem wary at all, but rather in a rush.

MirandaWest · 07/02/2013 12:06

I am separated. My bf is separated. My XH and I are going to get divorced sooner or later (been separated nearly two years). Bf has been separated a shorter time but he and his XW have been living apart for nearly a year. I think there's nothing wrong with dating someone who is separated - as long as both people are happy with what's going on then it can be good :)

Original poster

theendishere · 07/02/2013 12:06

Not desperate at all! It's a year since ex and I split up

OP posts:

MirandaWest · 07/02/2013 12:07

I did wait a year after separating to start dating again but different people are comfortable with different things. I suppose for me someone who was living in the same house as their ex would feel a bit odd tbh.

Gay40 · 07/02/2013 12:09

My friend said the other day that in her opinion there was no such thing as a separated man - only men who haven't tied up the loose ends of their marriage yet.
Divorced or single - avoid the rest.

Gay40 · 07/02/2013 12:11

Her other point was that many men consider themselves separated but sadly their wives have no idea of this new status

MirandaWest · 07/02/2013 12:13

What if someone were never married and split up with their partner - how would you know they were safe to date? I realise that as a separated person dating a separated person I have slight vested interest but plenty of people don't divorce until after two years separation and I honestly think it's ok to date then.

I realise some separated people actually aren't and will go back to their partner but not everyone is like that.

izzyizin · 07/02/2013 12:13

If you are already on the lookout for another man to form an exclusive relationship with, I would suggest you check your own barometer for emotional neediness on a regular basis because this particular state of mind can lead to bad decisions caused by the impaired judgement that comes from desperation to be part of a couple again.

You're best advised to get reacquainted with yourself and create a fulfilling and rewarding life that doesn't depend on having a man to validate you before you think about committing yourself to another full on relationship.

kalidanger · 07/02/2013 12:14

Are you the poster who start lots of threads last year about dating a man who was very comme ci comme ca about seeing you? This all while you're still not properly separated from your H?

littlermissstan · 07/02/2013 12:17

A few years ago I would have said avoid, but then I met a lovely separated man online too... He is now divorced, and we are getting married this year! So if he is genuine, why not? He may well be thinking the exact same thing if you are still in the same house as your ex!

Original poster

theendishere · 07/02/2013 12:18

Yes I did see someone last year who after a while it became clear was only after sex.
I explained my living position in my first post!

OP posts:

Original poster

theendishere · 07/02/2013 12:19

Littler - Oh how lovely - congratulations :) He knows my house if for sale and we're a little further ahead with sorting things out, so seems ok with it

OP posts:

izzyizin · 07/02/2013 12:25

Why shouldn't he 'seem ok with it'? He could be thinking he'll have a place to move into as in yours when/if his marital home is sold. But you wouldn't be that stupid, would you?

Original poster

theendishere · 07/02/2013 12:27

Izzy I don't really like the tone of your messages. Going out for a drink from time to time with a man does not mean moving in with them. I have no desire to live with another man for a very very long time

OP posts:

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning · 07/02/2013 12:29

The only person I know who went straight into a new relationship in the immediate aftermath of an unhappy breakup, got married, but the marriage was not so wonderful that it stopped him from being unfaithful again, with the same person..it depends but I think you're wisest to tread very slowly and concentrate on your own emotional health for a while.

Original poster

theendishere · 07/02/2013 12:32

I plan to go slowly and cautiously. I guess I've learnt a lot about my self in the last year. Not after someone to marry or live with for now. Just someone to spend a bit of time with, eg going for a drink, maybe days out from time to time

OP posts:

meditrina · 07/02/2013 12:39

You've had one date. Are you sure that you're only thinking along the lines of nice company from time to time? The OP reads more like you're thinking of how free he is and what sort of relationship you might have.

Perhaps you should be having lighter dates with more than one man? Then perhaps you'd truly get to a position of freedom.

Dahlen · 07/02/2013 12:39

Personally I wouldn't do this.

Financial necessity often forces people to live together for a while after calling it a day, and it's possible to have emotionally detached from someone long before the decree absolute come through. However, IMO, it takes a lot longer to process the breakdown of the relationship, because this is about much more than the other person. It's about relationship dynamics generally, your own part in what went wrong (or learning to absolve yourself of guilt if your X was actually scapegoating you), who you are now, who you want to be, where you want to go and how you're going to get there, etc. That takes time. Even people who are fully over their X can take a long time to work through this.

Even happy, functional people who seem to have moved on can find themselves regressing when the divorce actually swings into motion.

I don't think there is anything wrong in dating someone who is not yet divorced, as long as it is clear they have been living separate lives for a while, but no way would I date someone whose daily life and finances still had such a strong connection to their STBX.

Original poster

theendishere · 07/02/2013 12:46

Meditrina - yes i'm sure im thinking of nice company from time to time!
Dahlen - I've had a very long time to process and deal with my feeling re my divorce and the relationship was dead for a long time before we "officially" split up - ut yes do know what you mean, it is necessary to work through, the hows and whys and move on.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 07/02/2013 12:47

It seems my 'tone', as you term it, may have struck a chord as your pevious theads indicate you are coming from a place of emotional need which you're best advised to address before becoming embroiled in yet another unsatisfactory relationship with a member of the opposite sex.

Why not look to go for a drink and have days out with female friends?

Original poster

theendishere · 07/02/2013 12:51

No, it didn't strike a "chord". if it had been 6 months ago, yuo might have been right. I've worked on things, moved on, etc - it can be done..
yes I see my female friends too

OP posts:

Lovingfreedom · 07/02/2013 13:02

I'm separated myself but I think there is separated...and separated. I wouldn't go out with someone who still lived with, or spent significant time with their ex. Too risky and awkward.

izzyizin · 07/02/2013 13:02

It's to be hoped you've learned some lessons from your rapid over involvement with the guy who was nothing more than a knob, honey, and that you'll bear them in mind if you find yourself rushing to put all your eggs in one basket again.

On one of your previous threads I advised you to have some fun with a capital F and I see no reason to alter my opinion. Instead of looking for a man for all seasons, look to have a selection to suit your various wants/needs

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