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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I received a text from my husband and I can't answer it

37 replies

Halsbury · 06/02/2013 20:24

It was 'Do you love me?'.

I have NC'ed for anonymity, I can't answer his question fully, I do love him, he is the father of my DC, but I don't think I'm in love with him any more.

He's a good man, but he's made some mistakes and they weigh on my mind -perhaps unjustly really. I have supported him in his new career, telling him to do the application, but it has meant I have had to relocate to an area I didn't know, where I had no friends of family. I am a SAHM and because he works shifts its impossible to do anything without the DC's.

We both want different things out of life, I want to go out once in a while (last night out was in 2011 and I was heavily pregnant, before that it was our wedding). He wants to stay in all the time, he doesn't want to go anywhere and I am driven to distraction. We don't live in an area with good public transport links and i don't drive, I am so heavily reliant on him it drives me to distraction.

I have been applying for jobs, but I never get a call back.

But it all boils down to the fact that I can't tell him I love him but I'm not in love with him via text, because he's at work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Halsbury · 06/02/2013 20:25

*where I have no friends or family.

Sorry for the rambling repetitiveness, my mind is a bit blurry.

OP posts:
Dereksmalls · 06/02/2013 20:28

Do you think you would feel better of you felt a little less trapped? Would learning to drive help or is there a barrier to that?

Original poster
Halsbury · 06/02/2013 20:30

Thanks, driving would help the trapped feeling but we don't have the money at the moment to spare for driving lessons, I'm trying to save but it doesn't happen as the DC need clothes/shoes, which is frustrating as I go round in circles.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 06/02/2013 20:32

I think you should answer back 'yes' straight away and then qualify your answer later. He asked if you love him and you wrote here that you do but.... you can discuss that bit later.

Leverette · 06/02/2013 20:32

This reply has been deleted

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nilbyname · 06/02/2013 20:34

Just reply yes and desk with it later.

Meeting new people takes time, use your children too try an d make connections.

Start saving, ebaying, cutting corners and start driving lessons ASAP.

Looksgoodingravy · 06/02/2013 20:35

I think you need to talk to him. He obviously senses something otherwise why send the text.

You need an honest chat about feeling stifled. You do need 'you' time otherwise things do become stale but it's salvageable.

Communication is the key.

Lovingfreedom · 06/02/2013 20:36

I'm just saying to keep your options open for now.

badinage · 06/02/2013 20:39

Well you've said you do love him, which is what he asked so that's what you reply

But you sound like you're putting an awful lot of what must have been joint decisions on to his shoulders. Moving to an area with poor transport links and the person who's at home most of the time not being able to drive was never going to be a recipe for contentment was it?

You said he'd made mistakes - what were they? Did you have to move away because of them and is this the heart of the problem?

If you've got kids, making new local friends is much easier than if you were a childless couple, but I don't understand what's stopping you meeting up with your old friends for a weekend or an overnight because your husband must get some weekends off as a shift worker, or days off in the week?

Dereksmalls · 06/02/2013 20:42

Have you been able to have any sort of break? If he's not keen, could you go and visit relatives?

Original poster
Halsbury · 06/02/2013 20:47

I will text him back saying yes, I have also said we need to talk -again.

Leverette two incidents- one where he was emailed some online woman pics of him and DC1- who was 6 months old, the second one was I found him browsing a dating site- 26weeks pg.

My friends and I have drifted apart now, distance is one and we were never a close knit group and I may get a night out with friends thrown back at me- because he never goes out, even with his friends.

The job pushing was my decision, but I didn't realise (until he got his posting) that we would have to move, they didn't give any options on that. We naively thought they were recruiting for our original area. So it does seem as if I'm blaming him, but I'm not really. It was a joint decision and I was supportive as I thought a fresh start would do us both good.

OP posts:
Ohmydays · 06/02/2013 20:52

I really feel for you and your situation sounds challenging. But, I don't think love is a feeling it is a verb, a decision we make and a commitment. I think there are definitely times when we don't feel in love but if I personally am so glad that despite really difficult times with my DH we have stuck with it and come out the other side and I'm sure there will be more difficult times to come. I do think generally problems can be worked through and it sounds to me this is one of those cases. I think you need to explain the seriousness of how you are feeling - loneliness, isolation etc and agree together what to do to address it.

nomadwantshome · 06/02/2013 21:00

Marking my place.

Original poster
Halsbury · 06/02/2013 21:00

Love is definitely a commitment, I agree wholeheartedly with that. We've been through some very testing times, especially in our first year of the relationship and it was a very fast moving start, but I can't seem to shake this feeling that I don't love him how he should be loved.

That sounds quite crappy written down but I can't quite explain what I mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
Halsbury · 06/02/2013 21:01

Nomad Why?

OP posts:
badinage · 06/02/2013 21:06

I'm not surprised you aren't in love with him as it sounds like he is constantly looking for ways to be unfaithful.

You don't have to stay married to someone who does this to you and who's trashed your feelings for him.

Think instead about the different life you could have without him. An area you prefer, near to friends and babysitters, near to public transport and better job opportunities, where you can go out without feeling guilty. Why would you trade that for life with an unfaithful bore?

Hassled · 06/02/2013 21:06

Why did he ask the question? It's an odd text to send from work, isn't it? It implies he knows how unhappy you are and is feeling pretty insecure.

And from what you say, it all sounds salvageable, with some changes - could you move to somewhere within striking distance of the new job but also with public transport and the chance for you to make new friends? If he doesn't like going out you might have to just swallow that (although equally, he should compromise to some extent), but that shouldn't mean you can't.

Monty27 · 06/02/2013 21:10

Could you both discuss moving house when you've aired your feelings?

Lovingfreedom · 06/02/2013 21:11

Hmm...few red flags...I would suggest spending some time working out what you want before you leap in to talking to your partner. You might find individual counselling helps you make up your mind.

Lovingfreedom · 06/02/2013 21:14

To be honest the question itself is worrying....He asked 'do you love me?'....it's all about him isn't it? It's not something like 'are we ok?' Or 'we both love each other right?'.

Ohmydays · 06/02/2013 21:19

I've pm'd you - hope it's helpful x

frustratedworkingmum · 06/02/2013 21:22

I think you feel the way you do because of how things are for YOU. You are feeling trapped and unfulfilled. This is something that you need to talk to him about - but im not sure it is him that makes you feel this way. I bet if you were working or at least had more going on your feelings towards your DH would be different. I wish i had the answers to help you get out and about more and find a job (you will find something eventually i promise). How about some voluntary work or is that not feasible?

I would worry about the online stuff though, that is not acceptable.

Don't tell him you don't love him, tell him you are not happy and look for ways to change that.

Original poster
Halsbury · 06/02/2013 21:55

Thank you for the advice, re his text, it came after a message he sent apologising for being narky with me and saying he can't say anything right so he's not going to say anything- so I decided to talk as little as possible to him, partially because I didn't want to snap back and also I do retreat into my own little world when I'm trying to figure things out.

He feels safer texting as he knows I wouldn't feel comfortable speaking to him via text/phone call. I suppose he's taken the easy option.

We couldn't move as we're mortgaged and we would end up owing the mortgage company at the moment and paying it off would cripple us more so than we are. I'm hoping that as DS2 gets older I can get into groups more and start new friendships, I've found the playground mums avoid me.

I'm looking at voluntary work, there's something at a local school that would be lovely to do and a real challenge for me, I would just need some childcare sorting, I will have to make more of an effort to look into it.

The online stuff really is grinding at me now, years after they have happened, once was forgivable, twice means I'm a bloody mug.

He's very insecure in general, his ex was sleeping with another man in his bed and he seems to need lots of reassurance from me.

Sorry if I'm all over the place, my mind is struggling to keep up with everything I'm trying to say

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 07/02/2013 02:15

HE needs reassurance from YOU? The man who was on dating sites when you were pregnant, and emailing women online? Needs reassurance. Because "his ex cheated". What sort of reassurance, OP? Does he have issues with you going out without him? Talking to other men, having male friends? Those are the sorts of things that men who are all about "reassurance because the ex cheated" (a classic script) tend to require.

How about he reassures you, once in a while? Because HE CHEATED. You didn't!

And then there's the other stuff:

You don't drive, and it doesn't sound like a priority to him to make room for that in the budget. It has to happen. A SAHM with two small children, without access to a car, in an area with bad PT, is in a completely unreasonable position. I did this with DC1 - I did drive, but he needed the only car for work - and my pre-requisite for DC2 was that we bought a second car. I'd hardly leave the house otherwise! If he's not willing to make sacrifices to get you driving lessons, I'd seriously question what's in it for him that you're stuck at home. "Reassurance", again? When you say you're trying to save - do you have access to the family money? Or just child benefit?

And this is a massive red flag:
My friends and I have drifted apart now, distance is one and we were never a close knit group and I may get a night out with friends thrown back at me

So you're isolated. You don't drive, you have no contact with friends. You never go out. He gets to go out. And have a life. And cheat! And you, you stay at home, reassuring him that you're not his ex.

Dottiespots · 07/02/2013 02:30

I think you need to regain your independence. You need to find the money for your driving lessons....its a priority. Then you need to make new friends ....now. The mums in the playground are not ignoring you on purpose.....why would they....they dont know you. Its up to you to find ways to make new friends. As for the emailing other women and browsing internet sites....well that is just plain wrong and he has been caught out...can you trust him?

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