I received a text from my husband and I can't answer it

[Halsbury]

It was 'Do you love me?'.

I have NC'ed for anonymity, I can't answer his question fully, I do love him, he is the father of my DC, but I don't think I'm in love with him any more.

He's a good man, but he's made some mistakes and they weigh on my mind -perhaps unjustly really. I have supported him in his new career, telling him to do the application, but it has meant I have had to relocate to an area I didn't know, where I had no friends of family. I am a SAHM and because he works shifts its impossible to do anything without the DC's.

We both want different things out of life, I want to go out once in a while (last night out was in 2011 and I was heavily pregnant, before that it was our wedding). He wants to stay in all the time, he doesn't want to go anywhere and I am driven to distraction. We don't live in an area with good public transport links and i don't drive, I am so heavily reliant on him it drives me to distraction.

I have been applying for jobs, but I never get a call back.

But it all boils down to the fact that I can't tell him I love him but I'm not in love with him via text, because he's at work.

Tortoise He asks me all the time if I do love him, he is a very physical person and I'm not, which causes friction (mainly on my part as I don't like too much physical closeness). He didn't like my male best friend (who I had known over 10 years) even though he lived where I used to and is also married with children!

I do hold the responsibility for the household finances, since he got us into debt without my knowledge, I have access to the joint account but there's about £15 left at the end of a good month. My money is CHB and CTC, which I try to save when I can, then what's left goes on things for the DC's, trips out, bus fare, clothes and other bits.

I also made sure that the remainder of the mortgage money is in my account- so I have something in case of emergencies and when a trade needs paying I can do it.

Driving has been one of the main things I think, he simply doesn't understand how difficult and expensive public transport it.

Your last paragraph sums it up really, I had never thought of it that way. I feel angry that it has come to this.

I feel very sorry for you

Stuck with a controlling, unfaithful, needy arsehole must be absolute hell

I would be finding my way out and not looking back

The Dc's don't need clothes every month or even trips out if it came to it.

Save up for those driving lessons and then drive off into the sunset or at least where you're happy.

awsangel I do need my independence, this is not the life I envisaged for myself in my 20's. I'll try to talk to the other mums, and look at play groups for the youngest.

As for can I trust him- I don't think I trust him as you should trust a partner.

he simply doesn't understand how difficult and expensive public transport it.

That doesn't make any sense either, does it. Even if he hasn't experienced the public transport at first hand, it shouldn't be a massive problem for him to take your word for it. Why doesn't he believe you?

I don't think I trust him as you should trust a partner.

On the basis that he refuses to take your isolation seriously, gets you to back off from your friends, looks for opportunities to be unfaithful and manages to turn all this around into him needing reassurance, I think you're right not to trust him.

I don't know why he doesn't believe me, I think he believes a car is a lot more expensive, which I know it can be, but it is the cost of time that is most expensive, to get DC1 to a 9am football session, I would have to leave home at 7.30, but by car is 10-15 minutes.

It costs nearly £10 to get there, before club fees and kit, but we have a car that for most of the week is unused. Insurance, fuel and extra wear and tear probably would be the same, as the annual cost of travel to the club by bus. I don't think he actually can see the sums.

I've told him I want to talk to him when DC2 settles for a nap, I don't know what I'm going to say, but I doubt he'll like it- not because he's controlling or anything, he just avoids confrontation.

oh my god

whatever you say won't make a hap'orth of difference. this bloke has you exactly where he wants you.

it's time to start to disengage in your own mind, not tell him, just act normal - talking won't work on him. he isn't planning to change.

so many red flags i don't know where to begin. take care x

Sorry typing with one finger as baby asleep cross lap! Have now extracted hand

Listen pet. He does know how much cheaper andeasier a car would be. He just doesn't want you to have independance as he's afraid you'd do things that he'd be scared of - like having friends, going out, realising that he's treating you badly because the rest of the world is so nice.

He is trapping you

your instincts are screaming at you that it's not a good place to be, but yu're so afraid of being wrong or culpable that you dare not question him or challenge what he is doing to you.

Why on earth would the other parents at school be avoiding you? Has he suggested that you're not a very nice person? How else is he trying to undermine your self confidence?

Please listen to us - this man is abusing you, psychologically. You don't have to allow it. Is there anyone you have in real life that would support you if you left?

'Tortoise He asks me all the time if I do love him, he is a very physical person and I'm not, which causes friction (mainly on my part as I don't like too much physical closeness). ' so emotional blackmail, sexual pressure...yes?

'it was a very fast moving start,' anther red flag, often... ' but I can't seem to shake this feeling that I don't love him how he should be loved.' That's because you don't - or you can't. He's abusive, he's been playing about on the net, and he expects you to love him after all that? Well sorry but you don't, how could anyone.

You just need to get to a place in yur head where you feel strong enough, and safe enough, and confident enough to escape this person. the longer it goes on the angrier you'll be inside, and the scarier opening those flood gates wil become.

Thank you, I've got to stay for a while, I need to sort some money out and get some allies locally for when I need some support.

My husband has never put me down, I have always had a low self esteem, due to some bullying as a pre-teen, but I'm gradually learning confidence. I also have a large amount of social anxiety, so I tend to shy away from groups of people, which has led people to keep me at a distance.

I have spoken to him, told him how I feel. He's now called his parents and we're off out on Saturday night- amazing how he can jump when I hit him with the words I've been saying for a long time, without him doing anything about.

Im so glad . You still really need to get those driving lessons so you have your independence. I think also when you have your independence and you have friends of your own that he will treat you with alot more respect and will want to take you out more and treat you as a "woman" not just a wife. I understand the social anxiety.....It is something i have had all my life but I forced myself to form friendships as they do make life so much more fun. You do need your own life as well as the life with your husband.

Feelings of being "in love" can easily be found again if they were there in the beginning. "In love" is generally meaning "In Lust" which is very important in a relationship. Sex is the glue that holds the relationship together.....without it you are just mates.