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Original poster

Dp wants another child! I feel confused especially after the hell of last year!

29 replies

Looksgoodingravy · 06/02/2013 14:25

So I posted on here mostly about dp and his infidelity which I found out about last April.

Since then he has really tried to put right the wrongs he has done. We have been through a huge rollercoaster of emotions but are coming through the other side, things are never going to be the same again but we're giving it a bloody good go.

Thing is dp is desperate for another child. He's been talking about it more and more over the past few months. I've had so much to think about over the past year that I almost think I'm ready to combust.

I'm 42 so my clock is ticking rapidly. I don't know whether this is what's pushing dp more or not. At my age things may not happen that easily anyway and the thought of more disappointment at this moment in time would be too much really.

I don't know how I feel about having another baby, I really don't. Tbh it's a total head fuck. On the one hand I would LOVE another baby but then I don't know if I could start all over again.

Argh!

I'm posting on MN to see if any of you out there have been in a similar predicament regarding your partner wanting another baby and also it helps just to type it out somewhere to get it out of my head.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 06/02/2013 14:29

I think you would be crazy to have a baby when your relationship is still on such shaky ground.

I think he blew his chance to have another baby when he cheated on you.

You will be a lot more vulnerable for nearly 3 years if you get pregnant.

Not worth it with a man you know you can't fully trust.

Dryjuice25 · 06/02/2013 14:31

Go with you gut. Don't do it because you seem doubtful. Another child willnot fix the resentment you have or make him change his way as he sounds like a plonker

Dahlen · 06/02/2013 14:31

It's not even been a year yet. He has a long way to go before he can reasonably expect you to trust him enough to risk having another child with him.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/02/2013 14:31

My fear would be that he thinks a baby would be a sticking plaster.... a way to keep you close and preoccupied so that you're not looking too closely at him

rubyslippers · 06/02/2013 14:33

why is he so keen to have another?

does he think it will heal things (for him) and show him you have forgiven him?

I think you shoudln't - babies and their amazing non sleeping ways have a way of blowing holes in even the strongest of relationships

CartedOff · 06/02/2013 14:36

I might be wrong, but to me it sounds like he wants another baby to glue you two back together. It'll be the sign that you're going to be okay! It'll make sure you won't separate, you'll have another baby to unify you!

I would not. He sounds desperate and insecure because he probably worries you may still split up and if you have another child then that'll paper over that fear and make him feel better. No chance of a split if you're planning/having another baby. It's a selfish desire on his part.

/cynical

Lovingfreedom · 06/02/2013 14:45

Just before we split up for good my ex suggested we get a puppy....think it was the same kind of thing....We didn't thank fuck or I might have felt obliged to stay with him for the sake of a blooming dog!

SolidGoldBrass · 06/02/2013 14:52

Men who are desperate for another baby should always be regarded with suspicion for the simple reason that it's not his body that's going to be damaged and life put at risk by pregnancy and birth.

In your circumstances OP he's either desperately trying to Make Everything All Right by having another baby (which won't work unless he is making a massive effort himself to improve the relationship, doing his share of domestic work, reassuring you, treating you with love and respect, etc) - or he wants you safely at home and too dependent to leave him while he shags around as much as he likes.

Original poster
Looksgoodingravy · 06/02/2013 14:52

I have discussed the way I still feel and that having a baby would potentially allow cracks to widen in our relationship.

To be fair he has done everything to try and heal 'us' although looking at what I've typed it does look as if he's trying to secure his place but I honestly don't think that way, I could be wrong though.

I wish I didn't have this to think about tbh but there is a part of me wanting another baby, there has been since having ds (6).

OP posts:
Jux · 07/02/2013 08:54

Babies don't fix relationships, especially shaky ones. Those relationships, they will break. I don't want to count the number of couples I have known who thought another baby would make everything all right again, only to watch helplessly as the cracks widen until it is irrevocably broken.

Please don't do it. You already have children, I believe? Concentrate on them.

50shadesofmeh · 07/02/2013 09:20

Hmmm well depends if you feel the relationship is at a strong enough point to take the strain of tcc and pregnancy, how do you feel about another child?
I'm currently pregnAnt and my husband who was my then partner had an affair in early 2010 we managed to do a whole lot of work and we were more or less back to normal, still a few niggles on trust but I believe they will always there.

To be honest I'm so happy to be pregnant but my 4 stone weight gain,SPD and vomiting have left me feeling like the least attractive person on the planet making me feel insecure and resurfacing a lot of old feelings.
It's been hard, it may strengthen us in the long run as he has been wonderful and really shown himself to be the person I need right now.

Just follow your own instincts I say.

Original poster
Looksgoodingravy · 07/02/2013 12:12

Good that you've come through the roller coaster 50shades and that your dh has done all he can to repair your relationship.

We have come through such a lot and dp is doing everything he should be with regards to healing the damage he caused.

We talked again last night and he is well aware of my feelings regarding the whole ttc, baby days, gaining weight and feeling insecure. He seems to have rose tinted specs on thinking back to how hard we found the first three months of having a baby due to ds having reflux AND colic. It was tough. He does however agree that my life changes far more than his once a baby comes along.

It's a toughy. He doesn't want another child to cement our relationship. He's just very broody. I think he has been for a while but knows talking about it is a far cry from us actually agreeing.

I just needed to get this typed out, out of my head.

Feel I'm at a crossroads with two paths ahead of me. I just don't want to regret any decision I make.

OP posts:
PureQuintessence · 07/02/2013 12:16

A "plaster" baby to patch up your rocky marriage with a lying cheat is not a good idea.

If he was so keen on another baby with you, should he not have ensured your marriage was solid rather than soiled?

He has really no right to start talking about babies after bringing a third person into your married.

To be honest, is he a bit dim? How on earth can he suddenly want another baby now, after putting you through all this?

Original poster
Looksgoodingravy · 07/02/2013 12:17

And yes 50shades with regards to trust I don't think it will ever be back to that 'blind' trust we once had. It's a case of working on our own self esteem to make us stronger having gone through the devastation betrayal brings.

Good luck with your pregnancy I hope all turns out well for you.

OP posts:
Miggsie · 07/02/2013 12:25

My deeply cynical self says that he wants you pregnant with another child to lessen the likelihood of you leaving him. My friend's husband did this - she actually heard him tell one of his mates that now they had 3 kids she just couldn't leave as she'd never get a man with 3 young kids so he had "trapped" her.

Shortly afterwards she left, divorced him, and met a new bloke and married again.

I do not think you should have another baby - it won't make things better at all.
His seeming obsession with another child just sounds off to me - if he was unfaithful and trying to run away from you a year ago, why does he now want another child, with someone he has already betrayed? What has changed here?

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 07/02/2013 12:27

ah, the 'make up' baby! It just doesnt work. Sad

I have known too many people who tried to fix things (on both sides) with a new baby. All it did was widen the cracks, increase the pressure and in the end they have all divorced. Meanwhile the Mum is left with the baby/toddler.

If you have any doubt at all or if you dont think you can handle being a single parent to one, never mind two children just dont do it.

I hope your marriage works out for you though.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 07/02/2013 12:29

or maybe he wants another baby as your last pregnancy was an exciting time and he feels the pressure and focus wont be on him 'fixing' things but on the new life etc.

PureQuintessence · 07/02/2013 12:33

If he thinks he needs another baby to keep his focus on his marriage or his family, then I honestly think you are better of separating.

I think you and him needs to work out what his motivation is.

  1. Take the focus off his infidelity and move on
  2. Glue your relationship (if it needs gluing, then dont, and move on without him)

I am sorry, but I would feel highly suspicious of a philandering man who needs a new baby as a reason to stay in his marriage.

CartedOff · 07/02/2013 12:46

If you found out about the affair ten months ago and he's been going on about having another child for months now then it just all sounds too soon. It's your decision to make with your husband, but it just seems like the two events are linked for him: the devastation of the affair and the desperate urge to have another child. I realise how cynical this sounds but it just seems like a reproductive version of hysterical bonding, particularly with the rose-tinted view of what things will be like. What happens when things turn out to be hard, stressful and the romantic image of another addition to the family dissolves into the reality of sleepless nights and exhausted survival? He can't just assume that it will be the seal of everything being better and all will be well.

I would focus on how this will impact you. You definitely seem to have a more realistic grasp on what having another child will be like and the effect it will have on your health and life.

PureQuintessence · 07/02/2013 12:49

How old are your children?

Original poster
Looksgoodingravy · 07/02/2013 12:53

He's not dim Purequint but I do have to ask myself why he feels so strongly now. As I've said previously my body clock is ticking away and maybe this is where the urgency comes from, even though he does state that this isn't the reason.

Ds is 6.

OP posts:
Original poster
Looksgoodingravy · 07/02/2013 12:59

Thanks cardetoff. Yes I'm definitely thinking of how this would impact on me. It's too soon. We did go through the hysterical bonding in the first few months after discovery. It does almost seem like a form of that which dp is experiencing.

I think we need to move on from this and focus on our little unit.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 07/02/2013 13:00

Looks good - what happens if it turns out not to be as easy as expected? DH and I wanted a second child, together (and no issues beforehand apart from DS taking 6 years and a lot of heartache to arrive). Two mc later, each bringing along a whole lot of additional angst, we have given up trying for another. However, the trying - and indeed, even the giving up trying - have been hard. Not an easy think to put a relationship through. Would your still less than rock solid relationship cope?

Original poster
Looksgoodingravy · 07/02/2013 13:01

Yes Jux, reality will keep me from making an rash decisions.

It's hard. I wish I didn't have this to think about really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Looksgoodingravy · 07/02/2013 13:05

Sorry you've been through so much Mistlethrush Sad and you're right the pressure of ttc is in itself a stressful time if there's a delay. It tests even the most solid relationships.

It only took us about ten months to get pregnant but that was stressful enough. I can't imagine how you coped with six years of ttc.

OP posts: