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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it unreasonable to expect him to either commit or fuck off?

30 replies

LuciasTrousers · 04/02/2013 19:57

Sorry for the name change but need quick, impartial advice (Am a reg on local, diet and chat). Basically I am in a relationship which leaves me wondering where the fuck I am with it all one day to the next. One minute he's all lovey dovey and going on about our future, next minute he's cold and talks like he doesn't see us lasting the month out. Everytime he's drunk he goes on about ME not wanting HIM (projection??) he dangles me a carrot (talks marriage) and then takes it away (rubishes marriage). At Christmas I got sick of him fucking me about so told him to make his mind up, he either commits or does one. He decided to commit and moved in with me. Since then we've been ok but on two occasions he's used my kids as an excuse to say he's "wobbling" on the whole thing. First time my eldest was a bit disrespectful and wasted DPs time on something (leaving DP whinging saying he didn't know if he could handle that kind of attitude) and tonight my youngest (adhd) went to the park instead of coming home after school and didn't come home when told to (he's 12). Dp took the opportunity to have a massive rant about how lacking my parenting is, how crap my kids are (my words, not his but this was the gist I got) and how he doesn't know if he can "handle it". AIBU to say to him "if you're still 'not sure' what the fuck did you move in with me for???"

I feel like I'm constantly on trial whilst he makes up his mind about whether we're good enough for him or not. I'm sick of it. Everytime something goes wrong or things are not perfect does he suddenly start to wonder if he can "handle it". Surely he either decides once and for all if he can "handle it" or not and then if so, "handle it" when things are not perfect too??

OP posts:
Original poster
LuciasTrousers · 04/02/2013 19:59

Oh and another thing, during his rant tonight he admitted that he's embarrassed to take my son on holiday and will be embarrassed to be associated with him as he's messy and badly behaved.

OP posts:
DameFanny · 04/02/2013 20:01

Chuck him out!

Was going to be a lot more measured in my response till I read your second post, but for fuck's sake, he says that about your kid and you're giving him house room?

irrationalme · 04/02/2013 20:01

get rid, just not good enough is it

Whocansay · 04/02/2013 20:01

From what you've said, I'm not sure why you'd want to commit to him. It doesn't sound as if your kids would benefit from having him around at all. I'd tell him to fuck off.

Pagwatch · 04/02/2013 20:01

I am not sure why it is him that gets to chose .

Why don't you just say ' I am sick of you fucking about. It's childish and dull. Move out would you'

Why would you want to marry someone so pathetic they play games?

Am I missing something? Genuinely - is there a part of this I don't get?

aPseudonymToFoolHim · 04/02/2013 20:01

Your kids deserve better.

BesameBesame · 04/02/2013 20:03

Are you looking to be told whether to LTB or how you can 'change' him?

He sounds awful. A loser. You, and more importantly your DC's, should not be subjected to this. How long before he bypasses criticising you and starts on your DC's?

Not long, I think.

LesBOFerables · 04/02/2013 20:03

Have you posted about this a few times before?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/02/2013 20:04

What Pag said.

BesameBesame · 04/02/2013 20:04

Excellent - MN is responding.

Absoluteeightiesgirl · 04/02/2013 20:07

I am amazed you even need to ask based on his attitude towards your son Confused

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 04/02/2013 20:10

Why is it up to him to make the decision?

If he's not 100% sure that he loves you and would face anything as long as he was with you, then there's your answer I'm afraid. If he's got to think about it, he's not worth it. I'm sure you are worth more than that and so are your kids.

Casmama · 04/02/2013 20:11

Your kids deserve better than to grow up with someone who is at best ambivalent towards them. Get rid.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 04/02/2013 20:12

Why is it up to him to make the decision?

If he's not 100% sure that he loves you and would face anything as long as he was with you, then there's your answer I'm afraid. If he's got to think about it, he's not worth it. I'm sure you are worth more than that and so are your kids.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 04/02/2013 20:14

Umm, it didn't work when I posted so I previewed and then posted.... Confused

BesameBesame · 04/02/2013 20:16

Actually I want to revise what i said earlier.

L.T.B.

Whether he's good enough for you and your DC's has already been demonstrated when he told you who he is.

Yes. Tell him to fuck off.

Bobbybird40 · 04/02/2013 20:16

Dump the wanker - the bit about being embarrassed about taking your kid on hols is shocking - what a cunt.

Midwife99 · 04/02/2013 20:18

I think the real question is - why do you want to commit to him?!!! You & your DCs deserve better than that surely!!

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 04/02/2013 20:20

Fucking hell he sounds like a right arsehole.
Don't waste any more time waiting for him to decide if he can handle it/wants to get married/loves you/wants to go on holiday.
Tell him the trial period is over and he's to move out at the weekend.

But be warned. Once you've made your mind up and he finds himself homeless he's sure to change his mind and decide it was 'just cold feet' 'I was scared of the future but now I know I want you' all the bollox.

Give him his notice and move on.

I'm not usually so bolshy but I'm this way inclined tonight! Grin

wordyBird · 04/02/2013 20:26

I'd say he's a control freak, who isn't going to improve. He just uses 'I can't handle it' so that he triggers your sympathy, or anxiety, rather than 'I want what I want, how I want it, when I want, and if I change my mind tomorrow that's your problem' - which is nearer the truth.

he's embarrassed to take my son on holiday and will be embarrassed to be associated with him ....so, goodbye then.

tallwivglasses · 04/02/2013 20:41

YOU should be embarrassed to be associated with HIM!

Dump the fucker.

overbythere · 04/02/2013 20:44

All this rings a bell - except now it seems he has actually moved in with you.

BerylStreep · 04/02/2013 21:02

Dump the fucker. You and your kids are worth more. He's screwing with your head and trying to make you feel grateful for his company.

Have you posted about this before?

Hegsy · 04/02/2013 21:44

Yup get rid. Take control. Your kids should always come first

schmoodles · 04/02/2013 21:54

ALREADY?!?

I predicted a week but here you are again! Grin

This is this weird poster who keeps posting about this guy... I can ever tell it's her from the names she chooses.

So odd

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