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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Delicate matter

28 replies

PseudonymForProtection · 04/02/2013 16:20

I'm not sure what I expect from this post, am I little bit in shock still.

Have NC but have been a regular poster on here for years, but don't want to out myself.

I've had odd feelings about my late mum's partner relationship with my DD (3) in that particular since she grew into a proper little girl, rather than a baby, he's taken more of an interest in her, and one that makes me feel rather uncomfortable.

A few things to mention, so you can get an idea of what my problem is, when the Jimmy Saville thing broke, he kept making comments about how grateful he was that I let him have a relationship with DD and didn?t stop him playing with her, this in itself wouldn?t raise alarm bells, but he mentions it every time we see him, and I?ve also since found out that his own family (he is not my father, and only been in my mum?s life the last 10 years) won?t let him spend time unsupervised with their young kids, especially the girls.

He also always hangs on to DD tickling her, even when she makes it very clear she wants him to let go, I?ve asked him in the past to respect her wishes and phrased it that we want her to learn that no means no. It?s not just friendly tickling, but more a strong hold on her, while she shouts to be let go, of course as soon as this happens I step in and stop him, but I feel I shouldn?t have to do this.
Recently during one of the tickle fights as he calls them, I noticed he had what looked like a bit of a semi on (for want of a better phrase) now I know guys bits can be hard to control, but it makes me very uncomfortable, and I now run constant interference to prevent him being able to get hold of DD ? am I over reacting?

The most recent incident which has upset me, he was taking photos of DD mucking about on holiday, and she started crawling about pretending to be a dog, DD has a bit of a belly and as a result often has a bit of a builders bum, so when this happened I asked him not to take a photo, but he still did claiming she had just bent down as he took the picture, which was rubbish as she?d been crawling about for a good few minutes at this point. I calmly asked him to delete the picture, but I cannot be sure ? I wanted to take his camera and check but I was so cross with him, I may have done something stupid like smash the damn thing.

I?ve had issues with him myself in the past, he always insists on kissing hello on the lips, I always try to turn my head, but it still creeps me out, and there was also an incident when I was visiting him and my mum, when he accidently walked into the study where I was sleeping, with the excuse that he got the rooms mixed up ? in his own house (which he?s lived in for over 40 years) ? Really?

I don?t know if I?m overreacting, but I can?t stand him being anywhere near DD now, and I will be making sure I avoid this at all costs, but I guess my question is ? what do I do about him, I?m worried that maybe he does have a liking for young girls/children (given his family?s reaction to him ? fwiw he has no kids of his own). What do I do, what should I do, how do I confirm my suspicions, I don?t want to make a fuss if I?m just being over protective, but on the other hand, if it is something more sinister, I would hate myself if I did nothing and something awful happened later down the line.

Sorry this is so long, and thank you if you made it this far

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/02/2013 16:24

You need to end contact with this man entirely, for good. He's a pervert. You feel these things because your instinct is trying to tell you this person is dangerous. Listen to it. Don't get together with him anymore. Stop taking phonecalls from him. End it. If he asks why, tell him it's because he has no respect for boundaries or the word NO or your wishes and now your mum's gone, there's no need for him in your life.

trustissues75 · 04/02/2013 16:25

Please don't ignore your instincts on this....I see some huge red flags..particularly the fact that his own family won't let him alone with their kids. I've witnessed first hand the elephant in the room syndrome of a family with a paedophile in their midst and this on the surface of what you've said looks exactly like one. You can't be sure if he is...but you can't undo anything he does if he is. I'd stay away as much as possible.

The man also has no boundaries - another trait I witnessed first hand of the peado I knew - everything was always all jolly and no harm in anything and people were just being over sensitive and he had no concept of toeing the line.

My skin crawled reading your post TBH.

Sugarice · 04/02/2013 16:26

You are not overreacting in keeping him away from your dd, he sounds vile!

I don't see what you can do about your suspicions without any evidence, you could phone the non emergency number I suppose and mention what you've said.

squalorvictoria · 04/02/2013 16:27

Trust your gut.

You have no reason to carry on a relationship with him, which makes things easier I suppose.

BelaLugosisShed · 04/02/2013 16:28

Trust your instincts - better to hurt his feelings than let anything happen to your DD. I hate tickling even if there is no sexual undertone, it's a very bullying form of behaviour when people go too far.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 04/02/2013 16:28

Trust your instincts and don't let this guy near your daughter.

Is it possible to talk to his family and compare notes?

Dothraki · 04/02/2013 16:28

I would not let him anywhere near your daughter. I don't understand why you would keep in contact with such a vile man. Kissing you on the lips ? He is clearly making you and your daughter uncomfortable. His own family's reaction should be telling you everything you need to know.

bamboozled · 04/02/2013 16:29

Absolutely trust your instincts on this one.

bamboozled · 04/02/2013 16:30

Especially as his own family won't let him be on his own with their young girls. How was this phrased/how did you find out?

Original poster
PseudonymForProtection · 04/02/2013 16:31

Thanks so much for responding, I was worried, I was just over reacting, or suffering PFB.

He really does make my skin crawl, but I'm worried that I'll be cutting him out when he has no one to support him, in what is a very hard time for all of us.

I guess I was looking for support that I'm not being an evil bitch but not wanting him to be a part of DD's life at all - so thank you for that.

The non emergency number is a good idea, now to just pluck up the courage to do it, would they need my name and details, or do you think I could do it anonymously?

OP posts:
Dothraki · 04/02/2013 16:31

I think you have your answer - look at the times people posted - we all xposted the same stuff at the same time.

bamboozled · 04/02/2013 16:33

Also, well done for being brave enough to voice your fears.

pumpkinsweetie · 04/02/2013 16:35

Trust your instincts, go non-contact right away.
He sounds like a very unsavoury man and one that i wouldn't want near any children.

Act now, don't delay or this could end up even worse than it is at presentSad
He is a paedophile judging by what you say alone.

A normal man wouldn't get an erection from sitting with little girlsAngry
Don't trust him, ever

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 04/02/2013 16:36

but I'm worried that I'll be cutting him out when he has no one to support him

That's not your problem. You need to put your daughter first.

Original poster
PseudonymForProtection · 04/02/2013 16:36

It would be difficult to ask his family, as I don't know them well enough, the comment was made by one of his nieces at my mum's wake, as I was letting DD wander around quite freely, while keeping an eye on her (ie not hovering of holding on to her all the time) and his niece commented that she didn't feel she could do that if she knew her uncle was around, I wished I had asked more, but I was dealing with the loss of my mum, and it didn't register right away.

He (my mum's late partner) has also mentioned that he doesn't get to play with his grand nieces in the past, but it was mentioned as an off the cuff comment, it's only once I've actually sat down and thought about this all (since him wandering into the room I was sleeping in tbh) that I've started to put it all together and following my gut, by not leaving him alone with her, and keeping a close eye on him around her

OP posts:
Original poster
PseudonymForProtection · 04/02/2013 16:40

thank you all - and its amazing that you've all said the same thing, really reinforces my thoughts.

I won't let DD near him, although will still have to see him myself a few times to finish sorting out my mum's estate, but I will do that with just my sister and I, so that I don't have to expose DD to him any more.

I really would hate myself if anything ever happened, and I know my mum and dad fell out many years ago, over a man who made me very uncomfortable when I was about 10 and my mum forced my dad to stop seeing his friend. So I know she would want me to do this too.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 04/02/2013 16:44

My first reaction on reading your post was why are you having anything at at all to do with this man? Can we take it that, in saying you'll avoid him being anywhere near your dd 'at all costs', you'll cease all face-to-face contact with him, or that you won't be taking your dd with you should you continue to visit him?

I'd want to know why his own family won't allow him to have unsupervised contact with the dc that he's related to - are you in a position to make further enquiries/ask them about this?

I suggest you use the Child Sex Offender's Disclosure Scheme (aka Sarah's Law) to ask the police whether there is anything known about this man which suggests he poses a risk to your dd.

When you make your application I would suggest you mention the camera incident in particular as having given rise to your concern in the hope that the police may take it upon themselves to take a look at his computer history family albums if it transpires that he has got form.

Other than the above, there is nothing you can do to alert others to his behaviour without possibly finding yourself on the wrong end of the law.

izzyizin · 04/02/2013 16:45

X posted with you - I'm relieved to know that you literally won't be letting hin anywhere near your dd again.

BerylStreep · 04/02/2013 16:48

Trust your instincts.

OK, question time: How often do you currently see him? Who instigates contact? Was he away on holiday with you? Are you in contact with his family? How do you know they limit contact? Can you find out why?

If you are planning to contact the police, I think you need to be clear about why. If I am reading your post correctly, it is to highlight your concerns to police, which may or may not add to a wider intelligence picture, rather than asking them to investigate / speak to him. You can ask to speak to an officer in the sexual offences unit in confidence, rather than giving the details to the initial call-taker. It would be more useful for you to provide your details, whereas anonymously reporting something limits the usefulness of the information.

BerylStreep · 04/02/2013 16:51

X-post.

trustissues75 · 04/02/2013 16:54

So glad you're not going to let DD near him....seriously the hairs went up on the back of my neck. I felt frightened for you and your DD TBH.

BerylStreep · 04/02/2013 16:56

<a class="break-all" href="http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/+/www.homeoffice.gov.uk/publications/crime/communications-guidance/a5-leaflet?view=Binary" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"> Disclosure Scheme

You also need to bear in mind however, that the absence of a conviction isn't the same as a clean bill of health. If he makes you uncomfortable, I would go no contact.

CailinDana · 04/02/2013 16:59

I agree with everyone else. From what was said at your mum's funeral I'm guessing he has actually abused someone in his own family and that's why his grandnieces aren't allowed near him. It sounds like the niece was trying to give you a heads up, but chose a very bad time to do it. I mean, if she can't even let her child wander around in a public place because he's around she must consider him very dangerous, don't you agree?

Ensure your daughter never has contact with him again.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2013 17:11

'He really does make my skin crawl, but I'm worried that I'll be cutting him out when he has no one to support him, in what is a very hard time for all of us'

You don't owe him that.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 04/02/2013 17:15

Pseudonym you're so right, your mum would be behind you 100%. Sorry for your loss. You're absolutely right to trust your instincts, they are rarely wrong. My dad was like this guy, all over little girls. It didn't end well. Sad We cut him out completely, yes after my mum had died too. It was a situation of his own making, and you have even less loyalty owed to this man. Don't feel guilty. Will you tell him or just avoid him? Good on you for addressing this!