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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is embarking on an affair - again

27 replies

gypsyrose · 25/04/2006 21:31

My hands are shaking. I don't know what to do. I have just discovered, through guessing at his password and looking at his emails that my husband has contacted someone through a sex website and is asking her for a regular relationship. He is working abroad at the moment and mentioned this in his email. He sent it 5 days ago. 4 or so years ago I suspected he was having affairs but never had the courage to confront him. I thought it was all ok now and we have since gone on to have 2 more children - the latest is just 6 months old. But it's not and he wants sex with someone else again and what do I do? If I confront him then I have to be prepared for the marriage to be over but I can't ignore it. I gave up work 2 years ago to move closer to his new job but he is away a lot really. Please, any advice welcome.

OP posts:
notasheep · 25/04/2006 22:04

OMG-bloody internet.I would confront him.You need to know where he is putting his penis.And where is trust in the relationship?
Harsh words,sorry,men just seem to think with their cocks.

collision · 25/04/2006 22:08

Blimey GR, why are men SOOOOO stupid?

You have prob read the thread about the woman who has found out her dh (or not so D) has been having sex with prostitutes.

What do you want to do?
do you want him to stay?
can you forgive an affair?
have you had problems recently or is this out of the blue?

Personally, I would kick him out but that might not be for you.

How are you feeling?

busybusybee · 25/04/2006 22:13

GR Im going through similar atm
DH and I are splitting up, his decision. He is refusing to consider trying to improve our relationship. We have two kids under 5.

Its horrible. I am heartbroken.
But he hasnt apologised or shown remorse so.....

Feel free to CAT me if you want to chat, or I can CAT you if you like
Im hesitant to say exactly what my h has been up to though I dont know why as its not me that has been norty!

{{{{{}}}}}} to you.

collision · 25/04/2006 22:15

BBB...how awful for you. You must be gutted.

Why do men risk so much for so little?

busybusybee · 25/04/2006 22:40

Collision - He says that he wants to be happy and that living away from me will deffo make him happy! Cheers hubby!

Uhuru · 25/04/2006 22:43

BBB and GR - I feel so terrible for you both - unfortunately have no words of wisdom but wanted to offer my support.

Why do people never think of the hurtthey cause the ones they are supposed to love.

Take Care both of you

mistressmiggins · 26/04/2006 05:49

Im not surprised your hands are shaking.
how awful for you
regarding advice, only you can decide whether you can forgive him - IF he wants to be forgiven and shows remorse
My advice would be to go to CAB and ask them for some advice on money, housing etc just so you are prepared

my H left in Nov after having an affair all last year
he has shown no remorse
we have 2 children 4 & 2 (they were 3 1/2 & 18 mths when he left)

you CAN do it by yourself but it is hard both physically & emotionally

so sorry you're going through thisSad

shakinglikealeaf · 26/04/2006 05:53

Gypsyrose. My heart goes out to you. I don't think I am in any position to offer sound advice but I wanted to acknowlege your post and wish you well during this horrid time.
xxx

Original poster
gypsyrose · 26/04/2006 06:54

Thank you so much for your posts. It can feel very lonely sometimes and it is great to have some support. I don't yet know what to do but will try and keep strong.

OP posts:
overdraft · 27/04/2006 16:15

Gypsyrose
How are you today? Seems so many of us have been through or are going through this crap now.What is wrong with men sometimes. I am trying to work it out with my dh,but it is never gonna go away.
I don't think there is an easy option in all this.Keep posting on here for support, it was a great support for me and gave me some strength to cope.Are you going to confront him or do you think that you can live like that?

happybebe · 27/04/2006 16:35

i would get rid hun. seriously. he obviously ahs no respect for you and cares very little for his children if he is will ing to risk breaking their hearts on meaningless sex. he wont change either, once a cheater always a cheater, put yourself and your babies first and though it will be tough start again. you will get housing benefit and others. i am so sorry that its happened to you, i would be devestated but after being cheated on once i promised myself never again. i think you should do the same. thinking of you :(

Alipiggie · 27/04/2006 16:36

Gypsyrose what to add my words of comfort. I posted on here in February after my dh of 7 yrs decided he couldn't handle being married to me anymore and yes he had an affair with his new colleague over here in the States. We've got two ds's 4 and soon to be 3 so I can feel exactly what you're going through. Busybusybee hugs to you too. I left to come back to UK, but decided mine and boys life was also in Colorado so came back. Trying to repatch the marriage but it's not easy, particularly knowing he's away working with other woman right now.

Do what will make you and your lo's happy. Regaining trust is not easy and I'm sure other Mntters will tell you that. We woman can be strong and do it on our own. Take care of yourself. You can always CAT me too if you want.

Isyhan · 28/04/2006 10:46

i think people dont change really. you either meet a man who has affairs or you meet one that doesnt but you either have to accept it or get out.

ruty · 28/04/2006 14:12

Oh hell, I am so sorry GR. You are right, you can't ignore it. He may not want to end your relationshipn you confront him, but you have to decide whether you want to continue with the relationship after he has hurt you so much. The only route the would be couples counselling I think, and he would have to be prepared for some seriously hard work.

ruty · 28/04/2006 14:13

if you confront him I mean....

tinyFox · 28/04/2006 14:28

OMG What a cheek! It must be awful for you. I'd confront him.

robin3 · 28/04/2006 14:34

Terrible discovery.

I think this stage is the hardest because it involves so much change and splitting the family. Once you've made a decision you will start to feel a whole lot better and potentially better than you have done since you suspected the first affair.

Sounds to me that he's been far too proactive in all this to be forgiven in any way. You will never trust him again. Sorry.

Original poster
gypsyrose · 28/04/2006 14:37

Well, I confronted him. After being shocked for a while, I then got angry in the middle of the night and phoned him - he's still away - and just yelled at him. I really let go which was really liberating as I have never had the courage to confront him before. He cried, sent me an email, sent me flowers the next day but I looked at his inbox again and he's been in sex chatrooms for at least a couple of years. Should I mind about that? It makes me feel belittled and confused as to what he wants and also, how can I feel attracted to him again when I know he enjoys fairly hardcore images? Is that silly? I'm just very hurt and writing to that hooker really crossed the line. Can't bear to think about it. He gets back tonight. Being able to 'talk' here is so helpful - not really the sort of thing I want to share with anybody.

OP posts:
ruty · 28/04/2006 14:44

i think couples counselling might help GR. It sounds like he is shocked that you know and that he doesn't want to lose you or the children. It might give him a wake up call, but if you are going to have a future together I think you need some outside help. Relate are very good, though they often have a long waiting list. They may know of other private couples counsellors in your area. Look after yourself. Best of luck. xx

robin3 · 28/04/2006 14:46

I work with lots of men and I can honestly say that you shouldn't take this personally at all. Some men are the type and others aren't from what I've observed. It has nothing to do with their partners. Very occasionally you see a woman make a massive play for a guy who otherwise would walk the straight and narrow path but your DH isn't one of those.

Part of me feels for your DH as well because he's clearly stepped well over the point of return and the men I know who have seem unable to stop themselves and most blown their chances of happiness.

The internet has made all this stuff so much more accessible to blokes who would have stopped short at curb crawling.

thebecster · 28/04/2006 15:06

Oh GR, how horrible for you. I'm glad you yelled at him - you won't be able to resolve anything by keeping your anger inside. The best advice I ever heard on this was from my Mum - my Dad had 2 affairs, but my parents are now very happy together, nearly thirty years on (they've been married 40 years in total). My Mum said that if you're going to forgive & patch things up then you have to be able to really forgive, not just bury your hurt and try to appear ok about it while not actually trusting your partner and feeling awful inside. So first you have to express all of your anger. If you still have any lurking mistrust, or anger and hurt that you haven't expressed you will never be able to patch it up. And unless he can prove to you that he's changed you won't feel safe again. So don't try to be forgiving before you're really ready to forgive.

Don't question whether other people think it's okay for their husband to be in sex chatrooms, or look at hardcore porn. All you need to ask yourself is 'did it hurt you' and it clearly has hurt you, and he knew that it would hurt you. This entitles you to throw all the crockery you possess at his stupid head - whatever anyone else's standards are, especially as it has been part of him actually trying to start an affair. You sound like the sort of person who tries to be nice, and tries to avoid a row, but that won't do you any favours in this situation. Get in touch with your inner hag and do some serious screaming.

Personally I would ask him to pack his bags and leave but to attend couples counselling with you to see if anything can be salvaged. Flowers certainly ain't gonna cut it! I'd make him eat the flippin' flowers... If he wants to get you back he'll have to win you back with some serious hard work and honesty. If he isn't prepared to put in the work it will take to win you back, then it wouldn't have worked anyway.

Sorry this is a long post. Btw, re: my Mum & Dad - I love them both to bits, but I have to say I have much more respect for my Mum, and I do think of my Dad as being a weak character because of his affairs. I wonder if your husband realises just how much he's given up?

bluejelly · 28/04/2006 15:10

An interesting post robin3, I think you are right

bluejelly · 28/04/2006 15:10

Makes me think my next man should be totally computer illiterate

Isyhan · 28/04/2006 18:17

Some people get addicted to sex on the internet. It should maybe be treated as an addiction. I know this sounds odd but Id rather my dh was addicted to that than drinking or gambling I think?

notasheep · 28/04/2006 18:31

isyhan that does sound odd

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