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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Text recieved: You're wasting your time with someone who wont commit.

68 replies

fairyfly · 25/04/2006 19:27

Well, i kind of saw that one coming, obviously needed it spelling out to me.

Still doesn't stop it hurting like hell though, but i'm sure it won't take long. Well practiced at this broken heart shite.

I know i should have ended it myself ages ago, i was just putting off grieving him.

OP posts:
Original poster
fairyfly · 25/04/2006 22:48

Thanks mi, i think any kind of inconsitency hurts i reckon.

I find it incredibly tiresome that i know he will not want to loose me in a few days. It's stuck in a pointless loop of contradiction.

I just thank god i'm capable of taking it and in a secure independant place these days.

Just goes to show you all crap that gets thrown at you is for the greater good and deep down i'm very optimistic. Either the relationship was to get me where i am today ( he helped sooooooo much). Or it will get sorted.

Does hurt though, a tad.

I realised ages ago that just because that your relationship isn't working out doesn't mean you have to take it into every other area of your life. I really didn't know that. I thrive off being emotionally upset these days to get better art work done.....

and who said McTwat was all bad eh? Wink

Hope you are well M>I> You're lovely x

OP posts:
Original poster
fairyfly · 25/04/2006 22:51

They said........

He is just acting like a typical man, it is obvious to the entire universe you are adored by him. I make him feel suffocated, i make him feel like he doesn't give me enough, i should chill out, not try and plan the future, not put demands on him......

I did speak to women, they said allllllllll men get like this.

I love that, means it's nothing personal so my confidence is back up.

OP posts:
spacecadet · 25/04/2006 22:57

well the other soloution is that if you can accept there will never be any commitment and make sure he knows that you are happy with that, however, the time will come that you may want that commitment and then ytou risk getting your heartbroken at a later date.
men cant understand em.

Heathcliffscathy · 25/04/2006 23:03

ff. you are in a v good place about this.

only way to deal with commitment phobes ime is to take that option away from them and mean it...set him free,if he comes back etc...

you can't bluff it though. and v complicated with kid in the equation

sigh....i wish you so much contentment and happiness...i'm sure it's coming your way....

Original poster
fairyfly · 25/04/2006 23:23

I reckon if his life is fine without me then it's really not worth me wanting commitment.

I reckon if his life is not fine without me then it's really worth him wanting commitment.

If only life was a simple as the slef help bollocks i spout out on mn.

It will all be fine though, i'll probably end up walking him down the isle when he marries a thai beach.( or a pint of stella)

OP posts:
Original poster
fairyfly · 25/04/2006 23:26

I realise i have now lost him for my shite spelling and grammar, of course i meant to say aisle then.

OP posts:
spacecadet · 26/04/2006 08:27

ff-i had a relationship years ago with a man who was exactly the same, he didnt want commitment and i ended the relationship, then he would keep coming back, then just as things looked good, he would end it,we eventually split for good because i couldnt cope with having my head messed with, i loved him very much and it took me 2 years to get over him, but i did get over him.

spacecadet · 26/04/2006 08:28

his life isnt fine without you, its just that he wants you on his terms.

spacedonkey · 26/04/2006 08:37

I've only just seen this too ff. What a berk he is. Soph is right that the only way is for you to let go of him, but of course that's much easier said than done. It can end up in a never-ending loop where you let go and you're cool without him, he comes running back making all the right noises, you get involved again, he backs off again yadda yadda ya. Which is shit.

Original poster
fairyfly · 26/04/2006 09:06

What he does is get really deeply involved. More each time. Wonderful,all happy and good and then Arrgghghhhh, what am i doing i'm off.

OP posts:
ruty · 26/04/2006 09:10

yes i've been in a situation like that space donkey. I really think you need to be without him FF - just to make yourself realise that you can live without him and be happy - and that actually a loving relationship doesn't have to be like that. You're worth more than that - I would just cut him out of your life and move forward I know it sounds hard but you will get over him, and you'll be pleased you got out of it - well I certainly did. Smile

ruty · 26/04/2006 09:11

i mean i certainly was!

spacedonkey · 26/04/2006 09:12

Afraid I agree with ruty, he's messing with your head and messing with your life, and it's unlikely that he will change while you keep letting him back in Sad

beetroot · 26/04/2006 09:32

FF, I am with Soph here. You have to et him go and get on with your life. He has done this time and again and needs to find out what his problem is.

Good Luck Honey..and send me your phone number again I shut msn by mistake (well actually ds1 did while desperate to get on msn to do girl chat!!!)

Bugsy2 · 26/04/2006 10:47

Do you really think he means it FF - or is he just being a stroppy git because of the row? Haven't you had bust ups like this with him before?

anorak · 26/04/2006 11:07

Hi honey, sorry I was not here last night.

As I know your man and like him hugely, it's hard for me to judge. All I can say is that this would totally do my head in if I were you.

I'm here for you, hope it all works out. Love you x

fairyfly · 26/04/2006 18:49

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cod · 26/04/2006 18:49

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desperateSCOUSEwife · 26/04/2006 18:55

ff thinking of you babes
hugs
xxx

Original poster
fairyfly · 26/04/2006 19:04

Fuck it, i'm not even offloading on the internet.

Lifes just shit sometimes, i really loved having him by my side.

OP posts:
ruty · 26/04/2006 19:07

FF i don't know much about your relationship, but i do know these kind of relationships are a bit addictive once you are in them - the whole pulling away, coming back and making up thing, it keeps you in a state of rejection/relief of acceptance. Once you manage to be without him for a while, your strength will return. And it is possible to be with someone who doesn't do that to you, it really is.

Original poster
fairyfly · 26/04/2006 19:16

The thing is , oh fuck it i will offload on the internet, i've been hurt massively, tremendously before.

He was my safe bet. I've just spoke to him and feeling quite queasy and sick.

It's not like i need to know i can be strong and get on and be a good mum and focus on life, it's just that i thought he was going to support me with it and be my mate.

I've just told him i have no respect for him and i couldn't ever treat him as a friend again because for the last week he has treated me like dirt and when we were mates i saw him treat a woman like he has me i would give him a huge bollocking.

I said to him im will move on and meet someone else and i'm a big girl now, he said, i know and thats what breaks my heart i love you...

I hung up, his voice was getting endearing

OP posts:
fastasleep · 26/04/2006 19:18

FF I promise you not all men are tw*ts I promise hun xxx

you'll find someone so unbelievably perfect for you that you'll barely even remember all this sht I just know* it.

sykes · 26/04/2006 19:19

FF, I'm around later if you want a chat about ANYTHING. I've only just seen this. So sorry - but are you sure it's not just another wobble, a tremendously horrid one but?

beetroot · 26/04/2006 19:20

ff, try try try not to talk to him. He really does have problems. and he needs to sort this out without you. The more you talk to him the more yo arelikley to go back to him and carry on for another few months until he does the dirty YET AGAIN.

I am sure it must be difficult being alone but it willnot be as difficult as it was the first time it haoppened and you survived that. You will for sure meet some one else ..someone who will give you the care love and commitiment you and you kids need