Hi Outta ~ Well done for doing what you did, that really takes guts. Of course you're going to feel vulnerable because that came from your heart but just sit with it and allow whatever comes up to come up and know that you are being supported by your higher self that guided you to take action in the first place. Be really, really kind to yourself and those feelings will pass. Don't forget why you did this, because it was torturing you mentally, so try to give yourself a (well needed) break. Try and turn the whole thing around and move forward with a big smile on your face, feeling good that you took that scary leap and it will be the best possible outcome for you.
The sufi mystics have some great wisdom when it comes to affairs of the heart....read this!
How much the Beloved made me suffer before the Work
Grew entwined inseparably with blood and eyes!
A thousand grim fires and heartbreaks~
And its name is "Love"~
A thousand pains and regrets and attacks
And its name is "Beloved"...
Heartbreak is a treasure because it contains mercies
The kernel is soft when the rind is scraped off;
O Brother, the place of darkness and cold
Is the fountain of life and the cup of ecstasy.
Rumi (Harvey & Baring, 1996, p. 124)
How could we know how deeply we have loved or lived if we never have experienced the pain of loss? Joy and pain are inseparable. The above quote from the Sufi poet Rumi reminds me of the preciousness of life, the past, my memories and the mercy of the Universe providing existence, life and people to love and to cherish. The ability to be grateful in the presence of pain is an integral part of the living process. To choose avoiding this pain would be choosing to have not loved or lived at all.
The Sufi mystics see "pain as essential to purification and as essential to the alchemical transformation of the dull human mind and heart into their secret gold" (Harvey & Baring, 1996, p. 124). It is the vulnerability, the open heart, the willingness to love enough, and the risk of experiencing pain and loss that makes us alive. It is not cherishing the wounding, but embracing our ability to feel, to be present, and to know the essence of life. According to Sufi wisdom, suffering is inevitable and necessary in order for our souls to grow. I have experienced loss deeply and often and believe, as the Sufis maintain, we must learn to trust in its ordained necessity. In the dance called life we must meet life as we find it and be present in the face of that which we desire least but cannot avoid. That is the Sufi way. We do not "run to suffering, but neither do we run from it" (Harvey & Baring,, 1996, p. 125).
big hugs x