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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it possible that he loves me without respecting me?

37 replies

ChangeyMcName · 01/02/2013 11:51

I know DH loves me very much but I don't feel respected - little things like not listening to me properly, just waiting for his turn to speak again. He is stressed and unhappy in work so prefers me not to talk about my day in an excited animated way (love my job!) as he says he struggles to follow it. I also can't bring anything negative home as this increases his stress. So I feel like I can't talk to him iyswim.

We always seem to do what he wants to do. The other night he made plans to see his friend and asked if I wanted to come along. I was quite non committal as had had a hard day but said I might. When it came to getting ready to leave I was a bit on the fence and said I might want to enjoy a night in instead, DH then makes a big deal of having to think of an excuse as to why I'm not there to his friend, and I should help him think of this excuse as this was my responsibility! I replied that I had made no plans with this person and as such would not factor them into what I decide to do with my evening! Eventually I did go with him. I always give in and let him have his way.

I worry that being a bit of a doormat early in the relationship has set the scene for him to be the dominant partner. I don't want to have to be on my guard in case i am taken advantage of in a subtle way, I want our 'normal' to be his equal consideration of my wishes, but I don't know if this is possible for him.

Many many red flags at the start of our relationship that I ignored, there is more but I don't want to bore you with an essay. I'm just so sad and trapped and I don't know if we're normal and my MH issues are affecting the way I see things, or if this is EA.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 01/02/2013 11:58

He clearly does not respect you. I find it sadder still that you are not giving yourself sufficient respect either ("I always give in and let him have his way.")

What were the red flags at the start of the relationship?

Original poster
ChangeyMcName · 01/02/2013 12:09

Asked me to instantly move in with him (miles away from my home and job), then said he wasn't sure about how he felt about me (but kept me around while he made up his mind!), spent all his time with an ex and justified to me that she was mentally vulnerable and he was 'helping' her (WHY didn't I leave?!!), he has watched me struggle with chronic pain and MH issues, often carrying on with his day whilst being completely aware that I'm sobbing, been vile and horrible to me in the mornings because he isn't a morning person- so rather than changing his behavious, I had to modify my responses to no longer be upset because that's just 'the way he is'.
Which is the story of our life btw. I fit into his life, doesn't feel like an equal together life. I used to have interests and friends.
Had I known about mumsnet/red flags at the start I don't think I'd be here now, I thought I should work at it.

He recently wiped a sponge (used to wipe up worktop bits of food post cooking) across my cheek in response to me flick a bit of water at him after washing my hands. Is that normal? He justified it by saying it was a clean sponge with a few bits of food we had just been eating, I thought it reasonable to argue that I didn't want them on my face. He actually argued back with me over this, eventually he apologised for 'how I felt'

OP posts:
sincitylover · 01/02/2013 12:14

It doesn't sound like love to me to be honest.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 01/02/2013 12:17

WHY didn't I leave?!!

What's holding you back from doing so now?

Numberlock · 01/02/2013 12:18

I don't know if we're normal and my MH issues are affecting the way I see things

I bet if (or hopefully when) you ditch him, you're MH issues will improve significantly overnight.

Do you have any children with him?

TisILeclerc · 01/02/2013 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlienReflux · 01/02/2013 12:29

Is it that you love your job? and that's in the town whre he is that's stopping you leaving/

AlienReflux · 01/02/2013 12:30

Ps the sponge thing is totally something my DP would do if I flicked water at him, everything else is vile.

expatinscotland · 01/02/2013 12:31

Love is respect. They go hand in hand.

tallwivglasses · 01/02/2013 12:33

Oh dear. He 'loves' you in his own way but only if you're a doormat. You're having to change your whole personality! This is awful. I'm assuming you don't have DC with him. Run like the wind.

Original poster
ChangeyMcName · 01/02/2013 12:33

No children but he wants them, soon. I am wary of making myself that vulnerable because from past experience, needing his help and finding none forthcoming is a very dark place to be.

I'd leave tomorrow but part of my MH is huge trouble making decisions, I don't know if I am throwing away 6 years and a future together and may regret it, that anxiety stops me from making a decision.

The most confusing thing is, he does listen and try to change the way he relates tome in some ways, so I don't think it's intentional, I think he is just genuinely a very selfish self-centred person. He is the same with everyone he knows but I do seem to get the rougher end of things.

Oh and an appalling attention seeker. that has worn thin over the years..

My life is so tangled up in his. I'm absorbed into his life. I'm terrified of making the wrong decision and throwing away a life with someone who loves me. I have bpd btw, makes relationships very difficult and I know I'm not the easiest person to be with.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 01/02/2013 12:35

You need to trust yourself. You know this relationship is not healthy or good. You want to leave. For a reason.

Do NOT have children with this man.

The only thing worse than wasting time with a narcissist like this is wasting more time with one.

feelokaboutit · 01/02/2013 12:35

If you don't have any dc, OP, I too would leave. Easy to say I know but children will trap you much much more than you are now and I would think carefully about this. Being trapped is kind of a state of mind (no offence, I can hardly talk but at this point I have 3 dc with h and have practically no earning potential (more fool me)) - please look after your own wellbeing - that is the starting point. If getting divorced is the answer, it doesn't matter who disapproves etc..., you are the one who knows what is best for you, no one else.

feelokaboutit · 01/02/2013 12:36

6 years is nothing Smile - just put it down to life experience. I am sure you have learnt from this relationship (even if it is what you don't want), and that can be the gift you take with you if you leave.

TisILeclerc · 01/02/2013 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TakingTheStairs · 01/02/2013 12:43

ChangeyMcName If you were your best friend, and she was telling you all of this, what would your advice to her be? I bet it would be to leave.
You will not have wasted 6 years, you have used them to learn what you don't want from a relationship.

I used to be in a realtionship like that. Didn't trust my own judgement, needed validation of decisions I had made. I promise you, you dont trust your own judgement with decisons because of how he has worn you down.
You can leave him, not go back and I promise your life will be better than it is now. Mine is, yours will be too.

Original poster
ChangeyMcName · 01/02/2013 12:47

Thankyou for the responses. I feel less alone now.

I've been trying to make this decision since September. How do normal (NT) people do it?would a pros and cons list help?
I'm terrified of making the wrong decision but equally unable to exist in this limbo for much longer.
I've suggested living apart for a while to give us some space. He has said he would miss me awfully but if I think it would help then we should do it, but he'd obviously rather live together.
(I do most of the cooking. go figure.)

I think I was sold a bill of goods when we first met and was a sweeter, more naive person. Looking back the person presented to me does not match the person I'm with today.
I'm having a really good think and struggling to see what I'm getting from this relationship that enriches my life.
Thanks to the bpd ill probably change my mind in half an hour :(

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/02/2013 12:48

If he loves you, it's like a pet owner loves their gerbil. OK when they're behaving themselves but not enough to jump into a reservoir to save it... The affair with his ex was pretty blatantly disrespectful. Being selfish and self-centred is always intentional. Please seek some RL support and advice

LabelsGalore · 01/02/2013 12:50

he is just genuinely a very selfish self-centred person

I wouldn't want to live with such a selfish person.
And I wouldn't want to have a child with such a man either. Not only you won't get any support (from his selfishness) but he will make your life a misery (as an attention seeker that isn't in the limelight any more).

What is it that he giving you that you wouldn't have if your were not in this relationship? Support? Companionship? Respect? Working as ateam and acring for each other?

AlienReflux · 01/02/2013 12:50

he has watched me struggle with chronic pain and MH issues, often carrying on with his day whilst being completely aware that I'm sobbing
This ^ has nothing to do with your state of mind,it's how he treats you. Have children with him, and how do you think he would treat you then? better or worse? Honestly, you can trust your gut here.

LabelsGalore · 01/02/2013 12:51

Yes do a list with pros and cons, this way, even if you change your mind, you will have a list on paper showing/reminding you why you need to leave.

Original poster
ChangeyMcName · 01/02/2013 12:54

Oh, another intensely irritating thing.. finishing my sentences with the wrong words!!!! This is when we're alone together and I'm telling him about my day, funny/odd stories things people have said etc, so I'll say 'bob at work blah blah and then said..' ..he will then jump in and finish MY story with something completely random, I stop, correct him, ask him not to do that, and continue. He is so desperate to be the centre of things, even when it's just the two of us, that he can't just let me tell a story in my own time/way.
Every. Fucking. Night.

What rl support can a person with no friends get? I'm too poor for counselling.

OP posts:
TisILeclerc · 01/02/2013 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlienReflux · 01/02/2013 13:00

where's your friends then changey? Back in your old town? What about phoning them? Or your Mum?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 01/02/2013 13:03

I think he is just genuinely a very selfish self-centred person.

Don't you deserve to be with a better kind of person than that?

I'd leave tomorrow but part of my MH is huge trouble making decisions

Sounds like you have made the decision. Would it help you now to plan the practical aspects of the split? rent, who stays, who goes, splitting any joint finances, etc.

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