Is it possible that he loves me without respecting me?

[ChangeyMcName]

I know DH loves me very much but I don't feel respected - little things like not listening to me properly, just waiting for his turn to speak again. He is stressed and unhappy in work so prefers me not to talk about my day in an excited animated way (love my job!) as he says he struggles to follow it. I also can't bring anything negative home as this increases his stress. So I feel like I can't talk to him iyswim.

We always seem to do what he wants to do. The other night he made plans to see his friend and asked if I wanted to come along. I was quite non committal as had had a hard day but said I might. When it came to getting ready to leave I was a bit on the fence and said I might want to enjoy a night in instead, DH then makes a big deal of having to think of an excuse as to why I'm not there to his friend, and I should help him think of this excuse as this was my responsibility! I replied that I had made no plans with this person and as such would not factor them into what I decide to do with my evening! Eventually I did go with him. I always give in and let him have his way.

I worry that being a bit of a doormat early in the relationship has set the scene for him to be the dominant partner. I don't want to have to be on my guard in case i am taken advantage of in a subtle way, I want our 'normal' to be his equal consideration of my wishes, but I don't know if this is possible for him.

Many many red flags at the start of our relationship that I ignored, there is more but I don't want to bore you with an essay. I'm just so sad and trapped and I don't know if we're normal and my MH issues are affecting the way I see things, or if this is EA.

He loves himself
100%
There is no room for you, he cannot love you
He will not love any children should he have any
If you left him he would not notice after a while, other than be irritated that you were not cooking his dinner.

Leave
Leave
Leave

My mum knows a bit of this and has been really supportive. If she knew the full extent she'd be horrified.
I've lost touch with everyone I used to know. The only friends I have now are 'our friends'. Been trying to keep work seperate as its currently the only thing I do that doesn't involve him, but he gets offended and feels excluded if not invited to work drinks/do's.

I can't talk to anyone I know about this. He's my only friend, if we split up I will be totally alone. When it's going well we have a lovely relationship and he makes me laugh so much, we are so it tune. But I've had so many experiences of needing him to provide basic support, comfort, affection, and he has failed to do this consistently. I might be a pathetic idiot but even I can see this doesn't bode well for future stresses, ie babies.

I would write down all the reasons you are thinking of leaving him, all the put downs, all the lack of support and attention, all the negative body language, all the dismissal of your thoughts, words, feelings, all the ways you support him but he undermines you.

Then close the book and go for a free half hour with a family law solicitor to find out about the process of leaving and separating and divorcing.

Then go back to the book and write down any reasons for not leaving this selfish man.

I Suspect, like so many of us you would find that with him out of your life your MH and decision making powers would improve greatly.

Miggsie - that's truer than you know! He's always had girlfriends, never been single for any length of time. As soon as a relationship finishes he seems to jump into a new one, getting over the old one remarkably quickly.
We had a chat about death early on (cheerful!), I asked what would he do if I died, he said he'd be a but sad but he'd get over it. I don't think he was joking.

changey I too think you have made the decision, scary, maybe, but certainly not impossible. Have you anyone at work you vaguely get on with? people can be so supportive if you let them.

The death conversation, he probably wasn't joking! Would you want him to Father your kids? Really? If not, move on before you waste any more time on him

There are an awful lot of red flags re this man and going from one relationship into another very quickly smacks of insecurity.

What do you get out of this relationship now, why have you stayed to date?.
A combination of fear, shame and embarrassment (any feelings you may have of fear and shame are totally misplaced).

Please do not have children with this man, he will rob them emotionally.

I also think your overall mental state would improve markedly if he was out of your life. I do not think either you will be alone if you split up and I suggest you make an appt with a Solicitor asap re divorcing him.

I think he has dragged you down with him into his pit and such men can be very very plausible to those in the outside world. These men make for being very dangerous lovers.

This man is NOT your friend.
Friends are there for each other and support each other.

He just enjoys your company because you are allowing him to shine in his house and feeling like he is the important one. He told you so when you had your chat about death. He is telling you so when he is finishing your sentences, want to be invited to all of your work dos etc...
You should listen to him tbh.

I have pointed out in the past, when he used to watch me cry and cry without even a silently supportive hug forthcoming, that if one of his friends were so upset he wouldn't dream of being so cold. Maybe he isn't a real friend. His answer is always that it's harder to support me because we're so close and live together etc. I would have thought that would've made it easier tbh. On the rare occasions he needs help I'm right there. I'm weary of having to fight for the same in return as I think it should come naturally.

If anyone reading this is in the early stages and bending over backwards to make things work, making a man the centre of your world, take warning. It's so difficult to consider ending it because through my self esteem issues and his dominance, I have literally nothing else.

I'm only 28 WHY am I always so stressed and miserable over the same issues when he seems to sail past it all unbothered?

28, that's nothing. You have your whole life ahead of you. Enough time to rebuild everything and more. I understand about the lack of self esteem because I suffer from the same. Counselling would help you slowly get over parting and the feelings of loneliness and insecurity that would be there. Ultimately though, the real security will come from knowing that you can look after yourself and that you are your own best friend. I fully believe that you will be able to build a better life away from your h and that you will be able to make new friends and build a good support system. Your warning bells are there for a reason!

I'd hazard a guess that your MH issues might be a lot more manageable without this man in your life.

It is hard when you have given up everything in terms of friendships while you are with a person. I used to be more prone to doing that but I am a lot better now (I'm 29). It's brilliant that you have work that you enjoy and which fulfils you, and are wisely keeping this separate (well done!) and also great that you don't have kids with him and aren't shackled to him.

The simple answer to what you should do is that it will never feel 100% like the right thing to leave because he has chipped away at your ability to be autonomous, by finishing your sentences for you, not wanting to hear about your day, etc etc. Thus you are reduced to doubting yourself and your ability to make a decision in ending the relationship. You will just have to go with what seems best on paper rather than what instinctively feels right, because he has dulled and smothered your instincts and your sense that you CAN cope alone and made your world shrink down to nothing. Convenient for him, shitty for you.

You'll probably only be able to see the situation clearly when you are some months on from being removed from it. Then you will be SO glad you left, but I do understand that right now it is hard and you worry you will regret it or make the 'Wrong Choice'. I would personally leave him in a second as he sounds like a cold, self-entitled bell-end but I know that's easy for me to say now, and I endured some years in a similarly shitty relationship before having the courage to leave. Mumsnet was instrumental in my leaving by the way - and we had a child together and I was a SAHM with no career. You are free, the only prison is in your mind, and it is not your MH issues, it is him that has created it.

You know that abusers escalate their behaviour when they perceive you to be more trapped? So please don't get pregnant by this guy, the likelihood is that he will get far worse. I'd leave, honestly.

Also, you should look into counselling to ensure that you have the courage of your convictions in future.

He doesn't love you as you understand it. IMHO he is fixated on you, because he needs to control and oppress someone in order to feel normal. This is why he doesn't want you to leave, and may cry or threaten if you do.

People who are like this have impaired, or no empathy. This is why he doesn't care or notice that you are suffering. This is why he doesn't suffer, sails through things, moves on quickly when relationships end: and why he said what he did about not being distraught if he lost you. It was the truth!

He supports his friends and not you because a) he has learned, by observation, that to be thought of as good he must act supportively - even if he does not mean it. And b) he regards you as a sort of pet, designed to make his life better. So you don't matter as much. He said himself, it's because you're so close. He meant it!

He doesn't think or act like you because he isn't like you at all (sorry :( )

I would normally suggest counselling ... But in your case I just want to say, leave. You don't HAVE to have counselling. You can try that after the split if you want to understand why you got into this relationship.

If your mum is supportive, she is a gift and an asset to you. Please, please call her. Tell her how you feel. Ask her for help.