Help me move past being hurt by SIL (new pregnancy related)

[RainboxFX]

I want to start by saying I have always thought I have an excellent relationship with my PILs, based on mutual like and respect. Having said that we do butt heads occasionally! But they are good people who only ever mean well. We see them once or twice a week, help each other out with practical things, have each other over for dinner and so on. I do work hard at being a good DIL, and feel like I have really been welcomed into the family. SIL is more difficult, she is very much her way or the high way, she regularly falls out with DH or PILs, but we don't see her very often so as harsh as it sounds, she doesn't really affect our day to day lives.

As background, last summer our first child, DS, was born very prematurely and died aged two weeks. A week or so after his death I collapsed and had to be rushed to hospital. There was a possibility I would need emergency surgery. While I was in hospital, DH was left arranging DS's funeral, running back and forth to see me, keeping everything going. He really was my rock, especially when it was touch and go if I would be allowed out of hospital to go to the funeral and I was really upset. They did let me out on day pass, and DS was buried with DH and I, his parents and my mum there. SIL found out he had been buried, claimed to be so upset she couldn't talk to PILs and did not contact them until Christmas.

The rest of the summer was difficult. I suffered ill health and repeated hospitalisations until I had the surgery a few months later. We had discussions with the consultant about possible causes of my premature labour and were given the go ahead to try again. I am so very grateful it did not take us long, and I am now 13 weeks pregnant.

Just after Christmas, SIL contacted PILs and asked to meet. Apparently she felt so left out of DS's funeral she found it very hard to forgive us all, but she has managed to eventually. I am gobsmacked that any sane, rational adult could think such a horrible thing, never mind say it. what has really hurt though was PILs seemed to agree with her and are suggesting that we were in the wrong.

Since we have told PILs I are pregnant, they have been on and on at us to tell SIL. Phone calls every few days, demanding she must be one of the first to know, since we know how she hates feeling left out. Had an ultimatum yesterday that we mush tell SIL before PILs go on holiday (on Monday) or they will.

This pregnancy is much wanted, and we are very grateful for it, but it is also terrifying. I've already been signed off work for three weeks with bleeding. We really are only happy at the moment telling people we trust to be supportive, and neither of us really want to tell SIL just yet.

Am I being unreasonable? How can I put this hurt behind me and move on?

YANBU at all! I'm so sorry for what you have been through. Congratulations on your pregnancy too. Your dhs family have no right to dictate who should or shouldn't know about. Your sil sounds very self absorbeb and needs to be put in her place. You continue to look after yourself and don't do or say anything you are not ready to do. Does your dh feel able to speak to his parents about this or could you both write them a letter? Please look after yourself. Good luck

Congratulations on your pregnancy

You had a terrible time last summer and I'm so sorry about your little boy. In fairness I can understand your SiL being very hurt at not being notified about the funeral, I would be quietly devastated if my sister lost a child and I didn't get to say goodbye. However, I would, I hope, understand that with all the pain and grief that she and my BiL were suffering that these things happen and say nothing to make a terrible situation worse .

However, none of this has any bearing on you announce this pregnancy. You don't owe her anything. I think it would be polite for your husband to tell her personally (ie a phone call) at the time it becomes generally known. I hope though that you have warned your more supportive friends and PiL not to pass the news on.

I am so sorry for your loss. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Your SIL sounds like a selfish, unreasonable, immature nightmare, and I can understand why you don't want to tell her. However, your PIL are clearly feeling caught in the middle, if they don't tell her soon, she will accuse them of leaving her out etc. It might be easier to just tell her.

Oh you poor thing. Firstly, I'm so sorry about your son.

Obviously your sister in law is one of these people who thinks the world revolves around HER and can't put aside her "hurt" to consider how you and your husband might have been/be feeling. It sounds like your parents in law are idealising the family relationship (if you were closer to her then she may have been there, but clearly you're not, no point in pretending otherwise!) and are assuming she is someone you trust/want support from.

I would explain that you're still very scared about the pregnancy and would rather keep it quiet until later on, not because you want to exclude people, but because it's how you're coping with the worry, and leave it at that.

Good luck x

OP, I's so sorry for your loss and what you've been through. I can't imagine how hard it must have been.

Your DH needs to tell his parents that they are totally out of order and this is none of their business. Its not their news to tell, whether they agree with you keeping quiet or not. Whether they respect your wishes or not, I wouldn't tell them anything further about your health or pregnancy. They have no business telling you what you should do. Your SIL is one self centred piece of work and PIL are enabling her. I find their lack of compassion shocking. They sound like thoroughly nasty bullies.

Good luck, OP.

You mean your parents in law didn't tell your sister in law that your baby had sadly passed away? That's awful. But not your fault and not something your sil should ever had had an attitude with you about. She should have been there for you and not turned it into all about her and her feelings.

Tell who you want, when you want. Perhaps tell your PIL to back off and stop harrassing you because it's stressing you out and you really don't need it.

What would your sil do if you told her right now?

Why wasnt she invited to the funeral?

OP I can totally understand your upset around this, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

How come your SIL didn't know about the funeral? I can see that she would be upset - is she the only sibling between the two of you?
It is not on to behave as she has though.

However - I do think that she, as family, should be told about your pregnancy before it is announced to the wider world. She will be this babies' aunt, and presumably you will hope to all have a friendly relationship.

Oh Rainbox I am so sorry for the loss of your little boy.

I'm sorry that this pregnancy is so stressful for you as well, the last thing you need is added pressure from interfiering relatives.

I have sadly been in a similarish situation to you.

My little girl died when she was 2 weeks old, my SIL knew how ill she was and didn't visit (she was a 3 hour drive away). She then didn't come to her funeral or even phone my DH (she did manage to plaster all over FB about it though). Then a few weeks later she came up to my other SILs house and she took my little girls pram (we were storing it there out of our other childrens way until we decided what to do with it) because her son had got someone pregnant and 'we weren't using it'.

She has never met my youngest two children because I refuse to have anything to do with her anymore.

Could you write to them or email them (so they can't talk over you) and tell them you have already been through the most devestating thing anyone could ever go through, the last thing you need is pressure or to even have to take anyone elses feelings into consideration. This is about you, your DH and your baby, you need to call the shots and not be emotionally blackmailed into anything.

I think you should maybe take a step back from telling your ILs anything in future too unless you want your SIL to know, they are making their position clear so you and your DH need to put your foot down.

Sadly its times like this you realise who you can and can't rely on, and its never the people you think its going to be.

I do think it's slightly unusual to have left a sibling out of 'close family' for a funneral - I would expect to have been invited to a funneral if DB had a child that died. However that is your choice, I suppose that means that your DH isn't close to his sister. I'm surprised he didn't tell her about the loss of your DC or the funneral. Did your PIL not tell her that your DC had died? That's shoddy on their behalf and I can see why she'd be angry at them for that.

However, your PIL shouldn't be pressurising you to tell anyone about this pregnancy until you are ready to. If your DH isn't close to his sister, the there's no reason to tell her before you are ready too.

missy that was your SIL's choice though, not to visit or come to the funeral. And of course you would be hurt and angry about that.

Unless I have read the OP wrong or there is more info to come, then that doesn't appear to be the situation here.

You didn't tell your husband's sister that her nephew was being buried?

You must really hate her.

I'm sorry for the loss of your son.

I understand it is a very personal thing - when my DS was still born only DH and I attended the funeral - which was what we wanted but I have to be honest and say I find it strange that your sil was excluded from the funeral, when pils attended.

I would be absolutely deveststed if either of my siblings had a child and I was not told that they had died/when the funeral was so to be frank I'm not surprised she feels miffed by the situation.

That doesn't mean you have to tell her of your pregnancy but surely if you were to sadly lose this baby you or your DH would want her support? I'm not sure what you're tryi g to achieve by not telling her.

Yes it was her choice to begin with, in the end I told her to get to fuck as she was being such a bitch about the whole thing.

I don't know the situation with rainboxs SIL or if there is a backstory, but I know, for me, to even say the words 'my child has died' let alone invite people to her (or my sons) funerals was the most gutwrenching horrible things to do. I couldn't have cared less who was hurting, what anyone else was thinking or feeling, my every waking moment was forcing myself to breath and function and try to live until the next second in the vain hope it would hurt a little less.

I would never have a go at my brother if anything like that happened to his child and he couldn't tell me, I would just be there for him when he did.

Thank you for replying. First off, no I do not hate my SIL. Or at least I definately didn't until this month, and now I am not so sure. She definately knew he had died, as PILs called around the family for us that day. I was really grateful for this as I was in a state and so was DH. We had no contact from her at all in the three weeks up until he was buried. No calls, texts, facebook messages, e-mails, carrier pigeons, nothing. To be honest, I still don't know if she did know about the funeral beforehand. There is a lot about those months that is a blur or I just don't remember. I do regret if she didn't even know about the funeral. That would have been awful and a mistake on our part. But I wish she would have said something to us so I could apologise.

She is DHs only sibling, and I have one of each. They were also not invited. We were origionally only going to have DH and I at the funeral. DS was a tiny premature baby who never got to leave neonatal. We, rightly or wrongly, felt very protective of him even after he died. I am sure that sounds very stupid. My mum came over unexpectedly (she lives in another country) and although she and PILs would have been happy enough not to be invited, DH and I decided as a team more or less on the morning that it would be nice to have them there.

And again, it is not so much we don't want SIL to know about this pregnancy. It is that we are terrified and don't really want to tell ANYONE about this pregnancy. I have no intention of doing a huge public announcment with balloons and cake and leaving SIL out.

DH and SIL are not close. They never have been. It has gotten worse in the last few years, as PILs moved back from abroad and moved to the village where we live. SIL has taken this as a personal attack and makes regular snide comments about it. She lives about 3 hours away. I would feel more sympathetic, but she has been up to visit PILs twice in 5 years, but sees her PILs who live further away several times a month.

This is not an in law bashing thread. I love them and want to get on well.

Sorry, will reply better later. Little upset at the accusation that I must really hate my SIL, but I did post on a public forum so I set myself up for that.

Crikey AThing! That's a bit harsh! OP said that SIL is not close to her or her dh. A funeral for a newborn isn't a party. And I'm sure the OP had other things on her mind. Did you miss the part about the OP being in hospital when her dh arranged it? Why on earth should it mean that she hates her?

It's completely understandable that you want to keep it quiet, OP. You shouldn't need to explain it, but I think your dh has to explain to his parents. They seem to be totally clueless. You're still grieving.

It would have been helpful to us to.know that she knew about the death and did not get in contact at all with you following it. Knowing that would have totally and wholly justified you not telling her about the funeral and I would have disowned her for that alone!

I'm very sorry for your loss but really pleased for you about your current pregnancy. I can understand why you're scared and unwilling to go public and you have every right to keep it to yourself. I also think it's unreasonable for anyone to have a go at you about anything that happened during that time your were in and out of hospital and struggling with grief.

However, I understand why your SIL feels as she does, although that does not excuse her making the drama about her at such a difficult time for you. In her situation I'd have been hurt too, though I wouldn't have behaved like such a diva about it and certainly wouldn't have cut all contact for a while. I'd probably have kept my hurt feelings completely to myself TBH, but I'd be lying if I said I'd be ok about not being informed about the funeral, even though I would understand and respect your reasons for it.

I think that if you wanted to keep the pregnancy to yourselves, you really should not have told PILs. THat's a very difficult situation to put them in, particularly in light of the previous drama around the funeral and who did and didn't know what was going on. While you have every right to do exactly as you please about this and you don't owe SIL anything, now that you've told PILs I think for the sake of family harmony and the longer term, I'd tell SIL if it was me in your situation.

Rainbow, I am so sorry to hear that your baby died. That must have been so tough, and your medical complications must have made it even tougher.

Your SIL is trying to make your bereavement all about her - she is being self-centred, and I'm sorry to say that her parents are being manipulated by her.

She has no right to know at this early stage. I would be getting your DH to tell them in no uncertain terms that they need to respect your wishes that minimal people know for the moment.

I was so cross about the way my PIL behaved about a pregnancy related issue, that I made sure they weren't told about the next one until I was 20 weeks.

I know it is really annoying, and they are being out of order, but for now you need to look after yourself and try not to let it annoy you.

I am sorry for your loss.

However, I think you have all suffered and perhaps need to be kinder to each other. I can see both sides.

Perhaps your husband's family didn't deal with it as well as they could have but the loss of a child is a big thing even if they had not got to know him. Perhaps the family didn't feel entitled to grieve for the child themselves in the face of your loss. People don't always know how to 'be'. Perhaps SiL did not know what to do or how to help and was waiting for you to contact her.

What I'm trying to say is that this time you have good news so don't let the old hurts spoil it for you. Its a good opportunity to leave it behind.

Good luck!

Like someone else said, I think the two situations are discrete.

I can understand that she was upset about the funeral and I feel a bit sorry for her, she must've been grieving in her own way. But she was very wrong to take it out on you, that was inexcusable. It sounds like she needs a good, healthy dose of perspective.

Regarding the pregnancy, it's completely up to you who you tell and when. This isn't about massaging your SIL's ego!

Really sorry to hear about your son, cannot begin to imagine how hard this must've been.

I am so sorry for your loss and best wishes for this pregnancy.

Quite frankly, I think your SIL should grow up and get over herself. Does she have children? Because I am astounded that anyone would be so nasty and petty to a family who had just lost their baby.

As for the accusations of hating your SIL, that is such shit. I'm pretty sure just getting through the day was yours and your DH's main priority.

This is your pregnancy, who is told and when is your decision and no-one elses. Your DH needs to stress to his parents that this is upsetti.ng you and in this case yours and your baby's needs come before your SIL