Help me move past being hurt by SIL (new pregnancy related)

[RainboxFX]

I want to start by saying I have always thought I have an excellent relationship with my PILs, based on mutual like and respect. Having said that we do butt heads occasionally! But they are good people who only ever mean well. We see them once or twice a week, help each other out with practical things, have each other over for dinner and so on. I do work hard at being a good DIL, and feel like I have really been welcomed into the family. SIL is more difficult, she is very much her way or the high way, she regularly falls out with DH or PILs, but we don't see her very often so as harsh as it sounds, she doesn't really affect our day to day lives.

As background, last summer our first child, DS, was born very prematurely and died aged two weeks. A week or so after his death I collapsed and had to be rushed to hospital. There was a possibility I would need emergency surgery. While I was in hospital, DH was left arranging DS's funeral, running back and forth to see me, keeping everything going. He really was my rock, especially when it was touch and go if I would be allowed out of hospital to go to the funeral and I was really upset. They did let me out on day pass, and DS was buried with DH and I, his parents and my mum there. SIL found out he had been buried, claimed to be so upset she couldn't talk to PILs and did not contact them until Christmas.

The rest of the summer was difficult. I suffered ill health and repeated hospitalisations until I had the surgery a few months later. We had discussions with the consultant about possible causes of my premature labour and were given the go ahead to try again. I am so very grateful it did not take us long, and I am now 13 weeks pregnant.

Just after Christmas, SIL contacted PILs and asked to meet. Apparently she felt so left out of DS's funeral she found it very hard to forgive us all, but she has managed to eventually. I am gobsmacked that any sane, rational adult could think such a horrible thing, never mind say it. what has really hurt though was PILs seemed to agree with her and are suggesting that we were in the wrong.

Since we have told PILs I are pregnant, they have been on and on at us to tell SIL. Phone calls every few days, demanding she must be one of the first to know, since we know how she hates feeling left out. Had an ultimatum yesterday that we mush tell SIL before PILs go on holiday (on Monday) or they will.

This pregnancy is much wanted, and we are very grateful for it, but it is also terrifying. I've already been signed off work for three weeks with bleeding. We really are only happy at the moment telling people we trust to be supportive, and neither of us really want to tell SIL just yet.

Am I being unreasonable? How can I put this hurt behind me and move on?

Hi there

Wow, you've been through a lot and I'm very sorry and also very happy you are pregnant again.

At this point, whether SIL was or wasn't invited to the funeral seems, to me, to be a moot point. What's done is done and your decision on who to tell and when about this pregnancy has nothing to do with the past. The PILs have NO BUSINESS WHAT SO EVER telling anyone anything on your behalf without your permission. I hope they wise up fast and respect your decision.

You have had an appalling time no question.

I think your dh should call his sister. This is making you upset. Let him deal with it.

I do have sympathy for the sil - I just hope someone eg you dh can take a deep breath and help the whole family move forward

"SIL found out he had been buried, claimed to be so upset she couldn't talk to PILs and did not contact them until Christmas."

So she didn't take it out on you at all then?

She aimed her understandable upset at her parents, who she believes (correctly IMO) should have let her know about the funeral, even if you did want to keep it to just you and grandparents.

Why on earth do you even know how pissed off she was?

There was no reason on earth for you to be troubled with that knowledge.

It wasn't even you she was cross with.

It sounds to me like your PsIL are a pair of shit stirrers who enjoy playing their children off against each other.

They have no business putting pressure on you to tell anyone about your pregnancy.

But I'm not sure you have reason to be so pissed off with SIL any more than she has reason to be pissed off with you.

Am so sorry about your DS.

Congratulations on this pregnancy.

When pregnant again after several early miscarriages I found counselling helpful in helping deal with the anxiety (i paid but you may be able to be referred on the nhs).

Your SIL sounds what people often say on Mn toxic and best avoided. Her behaviour has been despicable IMO. Those who say there are two sides to this or emphasising her feelings (which should in any case be secondary to yours in the situation you were in) are probably assuming that she was previously generally caring and reasonable and had a good relationship with you and DH, which doesn't sound like the case.

And your PIL are handling her/it badly. If they breach your trust further (as they have already with the attempted guilt-trip and threats) and tell SIL, they won't respect your privacy, then don't share information about your health or pregnancy with them anymore and tell them why. Sad, but not your fault their daughter is difficult and they are managing it badly and thereby hurting you.

Your DH sounds supportive, is he able to handle PiL and ensure SIL is kept in her box with minimal contact?

You talk about trying to be a good DIL, am sure you have been, but they haven't been good to you, quite the opposite.

Presumably athinginyourlife SIL wasn't inregular contact with her brother and OP before the loss of their DS, and not before the funeral or during the period of non-contact with her parents either.

Sorry for your sad loss OP, and wishing you every luck with your new pregnancy.

I had sort of similar situation in that both DH's siblings let us know how "pushed out" they felt during our prem DS's stay in NiCU. Caused essentially by MIL's lack of adult social skills, as well as their own self-centredness.

You know what? I'm not really past it. They all showed themselves up for what they are, but this time DH really saw it. So I know how they operate, and never again will they have privileged access to our life. A great shame, as they're DH's family, and we wanted to treat them like we do my family. But they're different.

This has really given me food for thought.

I do not mind being involved in PILs life. They are DHs parents, and I would be unimpressed if he didn't want to have anything to do with mine. But so far, in the 7 years we have been together there has never been a reason for us to have a major falling out. We have always "done what we were told" because to be fair it was generally what we would have done anyway. I guess maybe they are not entirely blameless in this, and maybe we are not as close as I thought. They do seem to hold DH and SIL to a different standard. He is told if they ever disagree with things he does, but never SIL because that is "just how she is". I guess I have been trying to compensate for her being hurtful to them over the years since I have seen how much she upsets her mum especially. But this is not my job. And if they as adults have decided that the way she treats them is fine, then who am I to argue? I also project on to them a bit, my nearest relations are a plane or ferry away and I do feel isolated sometimes. But while they are family, they are not My Family so I guess I do expect too much. I will step back a bit.

SIL tends to phone DH once a month or so to ask him how to fix something in the house. Each time she called last year, no mention was made of our DS, but she would make sure DH knew she wasn't talking to their parents but couldn't possibly tell us why as she didn't want to involve us. I do want to add that this is not just my view, DH honestly does feel the same. HE is utterly and totally my advocate and supporter and I am his. If he wanted to rush off and tell her first I wouldn't be pleased, but would support him. After years of pandering to his sister, the one time he really did need her she was not there. She has children of her own but they are a bit older.

I hadn't considered that telling them would put them "in a difficult position" which was unfair of me. Of course SIL and DH are both their children. We told our respective parents because we trusted them to be on our side and support us. This was maybe the wrong thing to do, but we desperately needed to talk to someone, and who better than our parents?

Like I said, I am not posting here to bash my in laws, they are family and I do care about them. I want to move on and am finding it hard so looking for suggestions to do so. I appreciate all the advice given, I know it all comes from a good place.

I think DH will phone and tell her. Like some have said, I am probably overthinking this. After all, she is barely involved in our lives, why would telling her change anything? She is not likely to suddenly want to be our best friend, so we will tell her, and the world will go on turning exactly as it did before. I just hate that the PILS have "won" this one and gotten their own way at the expense of mine and DH's feelings and I wonder if this is starting a trend?

I guess I am most upset that SIL feeling left out has been given more weight than our devastation and loss. I am sorry if she didn't know, I would certainly apologise to her for that, but she and my siblings still would not have been invited. There is nothing I can do about it now, once SIL has decided a subject is dropped then it is DROPPED and will not be discussed again.

Thank you again for the perspectives. IT really, genuinely has helped me get my own thoughts into a better order.

I don't think that matters.

She was upset that nobody in her family told her about her nephew's funeral.

That doesn't seem that toxic to me.

She didn't trouble the grieving parents with her hurt feelings, just her own parents.

Who she obviously has issues with with them preferring her brother.

But her upset was turned into a circus instead of being dealt with discreetly.

Why didn't the PsIL keep it to themselves?

And now there's more pointless drama about the pregnancy announcement.

Again fuelled entirely by the PsIL.

But the poor sister (who is entirely in the dark at this point) is somehow getting the blame.

She seems to be the family scapegoat.

Oh Athing if only you knew! This situstion is very different, I admit. And I do see her side. In this case yes, she has I think gotten the short end of the stick, especially from her parents. But they REALLY do not prefer her brother. In general when SIL snaps jump the family salute and shout how high? I am sure this is colouring how I am seeing her at the moment but I know it really shouldn't.

A non related example. We called her up a few years ago saying we should all meet up for MILS birthday, as it would be nice for her to see everyone together. Her response was oh no, there are no dates I can make (we could make any day and would since she had children to organise). Fair enough. However she then told us we were not allowed to see MIL on her birthday either as that wouldn't be fair. She then did the exact same thing on FILs birthday.

"However she then told us we were not allowed to see MIL on her birthday either as that wouldn't be fair."

:o

Wow, I guess she is toxic.

That's totally bananas!

You didn't put your PsIL in an awkward position by telling them about your pregnancy first.

You and your DH are entitled to your own relationship with his parents, including telling them things that you don't want shared.

Just to be clear your DS died, you were in hospital and your SIL knew this but at no stage tried to contact her DB (your DH), didn't drop everything and race to visit and support you both, didn't send a card, and then stropped when she didn't know that the funeral had happened??

Quite frankly she has no one to blame but herself.

If one of my family was in this situation we would know exactly when the funeral would be, but only because we would be there every step of the way, even if it was just to make sure your DH had a hot meal waiting for him when he returned from visiting you at the hospital, and the Hoover had been pushed round.

You would have received cards (sorry for your loss and get well soon) flowers, and visits in hospital if you were up to it, and I say this as someone who has a fairly distant relationship with my ILs.

It was her choice not to be involved with the painful situation you found yourself in, she opted-out of giving any emotional or physical support, so why would she expect to be given all the details of a small and private funeral?

I can completely see why you aren't racing to tell her about your current pregnancy after that, BUT I do think it's a separate issue and you could tell her just to get it out of the way and put your mind at ease.

If she ever brings up the funeral again I would dismiss her with a "had we seen you/heard from you between DS' death and the funeral of course we would have told you, but you didn't contact us and we, quite frankly, had other things to worry about."

Lots of tiny babies funerals just have the parents there. It was just you and them all that time during the pregnancy, it feels strange to have anyone else there.

You are the bereaved parent and you do whatever feels right. No-one with any sense should feel pissed off with anything you do or don't do.

No-one on this thread should be critiquing who you did or didn't remember to 'invite' to your own lovely baby's funeral.

FWIW I concealed my pregnancy after loss until 24 weeks from everyone I didn't see regularly (and I stayed in a lot). If anyone had a problem with that, they didn't come and tell me. Which is a fucking good thing.

This is easy to sort out really it is. Your dh has to man up and phone his parents and tell them to stop turning your pregnancy into a 3 ring circus that it has bog all to do with his sister and you will choose when and if you tell her and quite frankly you can all do without the drama who ever is causing it.

That said my SIL is an attention seeking madam and anything to do with my DS since the day I announced I was pregnant (and Ds is 5) has involved a total drama instigated by SIL supported by her parents. If my DH had told them to butt out and sorted it out years ago we wouldn't still be in this position.
After your terrible experience you don't need this. Congratulations on your pregnancy - don't do like us and let your PIL and SIL spoil it.

Well its clear why she is like this isnt it?

Instead of telling her to wind her neck in, your PIL are running around like headless chickens trying to keep her happy.

YWNBU to tell them that if they tell her then the mother of all rows will ensue.

I can't believe people are 'siding' with the SIL here. The OP sounds remarkably measured and fair under the circumstances. It is her bereavement (and her dh's), so why the ILs are making it all about them, I can't fathom.

Anyway, what majorB said. And, rainbox I'm very sorry for your tragic loss and I wish you all the best for this baby.

She also refused to talk to DH for a year because he got a 2:1 instead of a first.

She is a nightmare generally, and she is a nightmare because everyone in her life enables her. This is true! But in this case I was angry with the wrong person for the wrong thing. I cannot believe I needed it pointed out to me that MY IN LAWS PASSED THIS ON TO ME. What an idiot. All that was needed was an "oh, we have sorted things out with SIL." But no, I got the full details. That will put me in my place for later! God, I may never look at them the same way again.

MajorB this "she opted-out of giving any emotional or physical support, so why would she expect to be given all the details of a small and private funeral?" really struck a chord with me. That is exactly why she upsets me so much. Families are annoying and all about negotiating and fitting in and supporting whoever needs it. But she will only ever be involved on entirely her own terms. If something is difficult or sad or boring she wants nothing to do with it, but still expects all the positive aspects. And to my mind, that is not fair. We were well looked after by wonderful family and friends, just not her.

DH, like me, tends to deal with conflict by ignoring it and doing what he was going to do anyway. I think his catchphrase could be "Yes, Mum". But their behaviour this last month has really shocked him I think. He has been much tougher, and I feel hopeful they will not be able to put us in the corner again.

In this case, I think we will just tell SIL. It is not the wrong thing to do. After all, she won't really care. Then we can carry on doing whatever we want. I am now cross it will look like we are doing what we are told! I do want this to be just like a normal pregnancy and to tell people and have them be happy for us!

I am sorry anyone else knows what it feels like to have a child die. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences with me. I have appreciated everyones thoughts actually! for all!

You sound really nice Rainbox, and she sounds mad. I am so sorry you lost your little boy and you have every reason and right to do whatever feels right for you and your dh in this pregnancy. Don't let her upset you, you have been through so much and she does not sound worth your time.

Having said that I would be very upset if my sister lost a child and didn't tell me when the funeral was to be held (or explain that she wanted it just to be a v private affair), I would like to add that there is NO WAY that I could hear that something so tragic had happened and not be in touch -that is truly horrifying!

Rainbow, you sound so together and lovely.

I'm afraid I couldn't bring myself to tell SIL by Monday, just because I had been told to do so. But then I'm awkward like that. I honestly think DH should be having a word with his parents about the emotional blackmail they are putting you through.

I think that a fair few posters on here are, understandably, projecting their own situations onto the OP. If you have a close relationship with your own siblings, then yes, you might expect to be involved with the baby's funeral, and feel devastated about the whole thing. But this doesn't seem to be the case here. The OP's SIL absented herself from the whole thing, no phone call, card, contact of any kind. And surely any decent person knows that, in the loss of anyone, particularly a child, the parents' grief and their needs and wants trump everyone. What they want goes, and everyone else has to get on with it and find support from a different source.

Just as an update, SIL has now been told! A 3 minute phone call from DH, and done. As predicted, not that interested so nothing is going to change. I do resent a bit feeling like we have done it because we were told we had to, but we would have at some point anyway. It had become a massive Thing in my head, and I do feel relieved it is over and done with!

I will also be more guarded with interactions with PILs in future. Their feelings are not my responsibility and DH and I do have enough stresses to deal with atm!

Thank you to everyone who gave me their time and opinions. It has helped me out so much. And thank you for saying I sound nice! Much needed and appreciated mini ego boost.