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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A bit of help please

48 replies

hotchocolatemittens · 29/01/2013 23:30

Hi all, Just wanted some thoughts from you all on some issues I am having with dp, apologies if it is a bit long.

Been with dp2 years and live with him and dd. I moved into his house a year after dd was born, stbxh (divorce not through yet), left me for ow.....But thats another story.

I tend to be a sahm but I do contribute to bills through my side work (a little make up business) which I do sometimes once or twice a fortnight.

Everything was going well at first but am starting to get the impression that dp is not all I thought he was and is starting to see me as a domestic skivvy.
On a few recent occasions he has returned from work and asked me what was for dinner which I didnt really think was very appropriate, so I told him and he just looked disappointed but said no more.

I don't mind sometimes cooking for him but I think the fact that he expects it is not a good sign.
Also, before he goes work (he is an early starter and needs to be at work for 8:00am) he has recently started expecting me to get up organize dd and take her to the nursery, even though he can go past it on the way to work if he takes a short detour.

I raised this with him the other night and tried to have a discussion but he just said to me quite aggressively "stop taking the piss she is your daughter not mine and I pay for the fucking nursery"
I explained to him that this wasn't really acceptable language as dd was in bed and may have heard.

I could have taken all of this as him being a little bit grumpy ( he often works 12 hour days) but I am starting to get very worried since last night stbxh called me to say he wanted to meet me to discuss a number of things and could we meet for a drink.

I thought this was important so I left dd with our neighbour for a couple of hours and asked her to drop dd back home at about ten past eight when dp would get home.

So whilst out having a drink I get a call from dp asking where I am because the neighbour has just dropped dd round and doesnt feel that this is very good. So I explained to him what I was doing and, well, I have never heard such foul language in my life he used the F word more times than I can remember and even used the C word!!!!!!

We havent spoken since and this morning I had to take dd to the nursery myself!

I dont think its unreasonable for me to expect some support from dp and for him to share in childcare. I think his use of aggressive language could be a massive red flag, since he said all of those things when dd was obviously in the house. I told a friend about it and she says this is part of a slippery slope and that I shouldnt accept this type of behaviour from anyone.

I am still fond of dp who has paid all the legal fees in my divorce and given me the money I needed to start up my business. I wonder whether this is behaviour that means I should be thinking of my escape plan??

What do fellow mumsnetters think about this? Opinions please..

OP posts:

sparklyjumper · 29/01/2013 23:40

The bit about what's for tea and taking your ds to nursery wouldn't bother me. If you're mostly a sahm it makes sense . The rest of it, the name calling is horrendous and I'm sure someone better will be along to offer advice soon.

freemanbatch · 29/01/2013 23:42

I think you have two issues really.

Your DD is your responsibility more than she is his and if he is paying for pretty much everything then that is likely to be an issue for him. I am currently a loan parent but if I was ever to have a relationship again I would expect to work and pay for my children to some extent because they wouldn't be my new partners kids. Do you get maintenance for them and is that used to pay the bills? I'm asking because if you do then you are making some contribution so that makes things a bit of a difference.

The other issue though is no one should scream, shout and swear at you ever, I would be leaving if someone was using the F word at me and certainly if they used the C word.

sparklyjumper · 29/01/2013 23:45

dd sorry stupid phone

SundaysGirl · 29/01/2013 23:49

Well the name calling is totally out of order.

But..erm why shouldn't you take her to nursery if you are not working? Apart from anything else isn't it nice to see her workers and drop her off, have a chat about how she is doing, all that stuff?

And if you are at home all day and he is working and funding things for you like legal fees, your nursery bills, helping with childcare..why wouldn;t you want to cook him dinner? Seems a fair enough trade to me, especially if he is often working 12 hour days!

I really think the name calling is a huge issue, bit on everything else I think it is you who is being unfair.

Original poster

hotchocolatemittens · 29/01/2013 23:51

Freemanbatch, stbxh does NOT pay maintenance because his overseas business is not performing well and he doesnt have "spare cash sloshing around to just hand out" his words.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 29/01/2013 23:51

It does sound a bit as though you are just expecting him to look after your DD, ie take her to nursery on his way to work when you are a SAHM. Also, the way your post is worded suggests that he came home from work to find you missing and then a neighbour turned up with your DD and he was just expected to look after her till you came home ie you hadn't let him know your plans. That would be a bit rude even if he was her father - to go out without telling him where you had gone or when you would be back.

millie30 · 29/01/2013 23:55

So you were out having a drink with your ex who refuses to pay any maintenance meaning that your DP has to support your child? I can see why he is fed up tbh. Although the abusive language is unacceptable.

Original poster

hotchocolatemittens · 29/01/2013 23:57

I am beginning to calm down a bit now and see things a bit more rationally and I am thinking whether I want to stay with a man who says such foul things such as "your taking the f*ing piss"
I dont think its too much to ask my dp to show a little bit of support and it was the fact that I was out with stbxh that seems to have really riled him.
I am beginning to think escape route is the best option because thinking about it this is not the only thing that he has done a worrying sign.

OP posts:

freemanbatch · 29/01/2013 23:58

Well then as a SAHM I used to put dinner on the table every evening and do the drop offs and pick ups from school and nursery because I thought they were the basic things I should be doing if I wasn't working, both my kids were his.

I wouldn't expect a new partner to pay for me and my kids, I would chase your ex for money because that just isn't on. Try talking to him about what his expectations of your roles are so you can agree something between you.

BUT the shouting and name calling would be it for me, I'd be out as soon as I could plan for it.

waltermittymissus · 30/01/2013 00:02

Escape route is a bit dramatic I think.

If this is for real (and around here lately there's no real way to tell) then it sounds like you're looking for a meal ticket and a free ride.

In short; you seem like you're completely taking the piss out of him!

SolidGoldBrass · 30/01/2013 00:08

OP, did you tell him that you were going to be out and that a neighbour was minding DD until you came home? If not, then his anger is understandable. You are coming across as though you expect to do as you please and have him take up the slack WRT looking after DD, without asking him.

whethergirl · 30/01/2013 00:14

Sorry, but I think he put it quite well. You are taking the fucking piss!

whethergirl · 30/01/2013 00:15

Why does dd need to be at nursery if you're not working anyway?

aleene · 30/01/2013 00:18

Your post at 23.57 makes me think you are not listening to what people are telling you.
No, the name calling is not good at all.
However it sounds like you need to pull your weight a bit more.
Try seeing your post from your DP's viewpoint.

(is this a reverse post?)

waltermittymissus · 30/01/2013 00:19

And I'm sorry but "taking the fucking piss" is not exactly calling you names is it?

If he'd said "you're a fucking free loading so and so" then you could start to get upset.

izzyizin · 30/01/2013 00:20

If I've read your OP right your dp called you and screamed/shouted down the phone, using words that no young child should here, while your dd was in his care.

Does this mean your dd was in earshot at the time he called you?

Why did you feel it necessary to drop everything - including dropping your dd with a neighbour - in order to meet with your ex?

What was so urgent that needed to be talked about over a drink last night?

Could you not have arranged to meet your ex on another evening thus giving you time to ask your dp whether he was willing to babysit for you?

isitmidnightalready · 30/01/2013 00:20

This sounds like a post from the DP who is testing out whether he is being taken for a ride, and wants MN views on it.

If you are genuine, OP, I think you are doing ok here. What do you do all day while DD is at nursery? No offence, but if DP is doing a 12 hour day and paying for everything, it is not too much to expect you to deal with your DD and sort her out. And maybe think about making some tea for all of you....

izzyizin · 30/01/2013 00:21

omigod - the spelling police will be on my tail hear not 'here'.

aleene · 30/01/2013 00:23

You are a SAHM, he is paying your legal fees and nursery fees! There is such a thing as give and take in a relationship.

You were out drinking with your ex ...

I keep typing and deleting stuff ... my mind is boggled over this one.

chickensarmpit · 30/01/2013 00:23

This is a joke isn't it? If not, your dp needs mug tattood on his forehead.

FiercePanda · 30/01/2013 00:24

If DD's at nursery and DP's at work, what do you do during the day? Why wouldn't you want to take DD to needless nursery or, y'know, look after her yourself...? Likewise, if you're a SAHM and DP is out working, why wouldn't you do dinner?

sparklyjumper · 30/01/2013 00:26

I think it is a reverse, by the tone of the posts.

whethergirl · 30/01/2013 00:26

And what's with the domestic skivvy? Because you're expected to cook dinner when he works 12 hour days and pays for your daughter to be in nursery?

he has recently started expecting me to get up organize dd and take her to the nursery WHAAT? You have to take your OWN daughter to nursery? Oh yes I can see how this makes you a domestic skivvy op.

And this is a rather odd sentence: I am still fond of dp who has paid all the legal fees in my divorce and given me the money I needed to start up my business

In fact, this is so unreal I'm beginning to suspect its a reverse thread.

waltermittymissus · 30/01/2013 00:27

I'm calling it.

Total piss take.

FiercePanda · 30/01/2013 00:28

Relationships are partnerships, there has to be give and take. From your posts, you seem to be fantastic at the take part, but there doesn't seem like much give...

If ex is useless and doesn't support his daughter, why would you dump DD with a neighbour so you could meet him for a drink? What was the big rush or so important? Could he not have come over and seen his kid for five mins?

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