Am I wrong?

[Unzippy666]

hi, hope someone can help as I have no one to ask and no one to turn too.
I have been with my husband for nearly 22 years we have two children a boy and a girl. I am very unhappy. Our marriage has not been easy, but I think I finally want out. I am jealous of the way he dotes on our little girl and I hate the way he swears at our son and calls him stupid - he has Aspergers and ADHD and has been handful, I am no saint I think I am a pretty terrible mother, I shout at them and lose my patience. He calls me tart, whore and bitch in front of them all the time, he says it is a joke but I do not like it. He has always been jealous and we had a very rough patch when we fought all the time but this was years ago and we have just carried on, I bite my Tongue and keep quite cause it is easier then starting an argument but I am ashamed, I should not let him treat the children so and me either. But since our bad patch we lost all our friends as I told them what was going on and he did not want to see them anymore, I also told family and I lost them too, he was never keen on me having friends or family anyway our friends where always joint. I am desperate for some advice I feel I am doing the wrong thing and should just try harder, but then I think NO WAY enough is enough, I can do better and be better on my own. Would love any advice but please do not be too harsh I am very vulnerable at the moment, thanks

OP so sad for you and your children living in this situation.
I think you already know that you need to leave with your children.
I don't have any experience or practical advice but I know that this is a great place to get advice and someone will be along soon.

Can you reconnect with a family member and let them know your situation?

*He calls me tart, whore and bitch in front of them all the time

he swears at our son and calls him stupid*

A child should NOT have to listen to this. Can you imagine how unpleasant their lives must be, hearing this constantly? And that's not even considering what you put up with. He is abusive and you CAN "do better and be better" on your own, as you said.

Please leave.

The relationship between the parents shapes the concepts of marriage and family in a child's mind even when they are small. the way your husband treats you would unavoidable influence your children and their ways to deal with their own adult life. Think of all these...

Unzippy,
I am not picking on you at all and if my tone comes across as harsh, forgive me...

How dare he call your son stupid. My son has classic Aspergers, if you can get a 'classic' in this, you know what I mean here I am generalising for ease of this post - He is not stupid and anybody be they husband, partner, another child of mine or a perfect stranger who dared to call my son stupid would be looking at a very wrathful response from me I am afraid.

It is so incredibly hard for a child/young person with an autistic spectrum disorder to handle emotions.., arguing going on around them destroys them completely. Being name called by a person that is their father?! That is disgusting. I would have floored him by now if I were you. Waited till the kids were out and floored the pig completely. Packed up his bags and put them and him out with the rubbish.

Your son is unable to stand up for himself in this situation so stand up for him as his mother. No matter what you are going through personally, no matter how upset you are personally. No matter what you feel inside about how hurt you are personally. You ought to act for your son. If your son can not rely upon you, his mother to stand up for him against a person, his bloody father, calling him stupid then who exactly can he rely upon? Its a hell of a hard world out there for children and young people with an autistic spectrum disorder and I personally just can not bear to read stories where their own families are in-fighting and bullying them. When you have a child with special needs - it stops being about how you feel all the time, allowances have to be made for the child, like it or not and you have to find the strength from somewhere to stand up against this horrible ignorant name calling. Its vile. Your poor, poor son.
Your daughter can't be exactly walking on air either, really, can she?
I ask you - if you can not act for yourself and put a stop to this man's name calling of you 'for a joke' then put an end to the name calling your son gets?
x

How dare he do this to you and your beautiful children.

OP you know what you want to do. What are you getting out of this relationship? How is this man enhancing your life? Please think about ringing Women's Aid. They can help you.

"I personally just can not bear to read stories where their own families are in-fighting and bullying them." That is a misrepresentation of what is happening, threebats. This family isn't in-fighting. It is being abused by Unzippy's husband.

It's quite horrible how he's behaving. His tactics are pretty classic. The verbal abuse and insulting treatment is heartbreaking. The fact that he is effectively isolating you from friends and family is quite sinister. I'm not surprised you've backed down to keep the peace - it's called 'self-preservation'. Please don't feel ashamed about doing so. You're in a very nasty spot.

When you say your family are 'lost' to you, do you mean your immediate family, parents etc? Has he banned them or do you think they'd help you if you got back in touch? Family often come good when the chips are down.

AbigailAdams The OP said that for years they fought all the time so that little boy has had years of listening to the fighting plus his father calling him stupid which is in-fighting and bullying/abusing him whichever term you chose to use.

This is a child with Aspergers HE is the priority here. How is he ever going to achieve and reach goals and develop when this is going on around him?
I stand by my post, its so hard to get a child with Aspergers to smile and laugh. When they want to join in at the dinner table not sit with their back to the room and rock back and fore because something is going on in the house which is uncomfortable, they can feel it and they do not know how to compute it in their heads never mind how to handle the emotions of it all. That can be explosive and can have terrible ramifications both at home and at school. That's just the feeling something is going on never mind the fighting before or the name calling.

What area do you live in Unzippy? What do you know about the respite care for yourself with regards to your son where you live? The Autistic groups he can join? I do not think you a terrible mother, you think you are but I read a mother with a child with Aspergers and ADHD which is tough enough to get to grips with, with another child to care for also, in a situation she can no longer tolerate with her husband. You need assistance, you need some extra help where your son is concerned perhaps? To meet up with other parents of children like your son so you can talk to them and begin to get a grip on things. I also think once you have spent 22 years in a relationship it can be tough to walk away and sometimes, you need to be told flat out that the situation is wrong, for the sake of your son, as it can shake you awake to the reality of what is actually happening.
I have fought like a dog for my son - against my family, against his father, against the Government and Education Depts. Because he could not fight for himself and can not today fight for himself. When somebody rounds up against this 6 foot, 19 year old young man who suddenly starts panicking and getting in great distress because his mum is late picking him up from college due to work/traffic - Yes, so funny to teenagers... God help them as when I get there, with his sisters, the last thing those other kids are going to be doing is laughing and calling him stupid. My girls are worse than I am when it comes to protecting him. And those are strangers I have torn strips off never mind my husband - I have gone to bed that night in absolute tears but my resolve is to fight on each day to make this world a better place for my son. You must do this for your son also.

This is an abusive relationship threebats. He is the cause of that, not the OP. The only reason they fought was because she wouldn't bend to his will (in defense of her children as well). As the victim, she is not to blame for his behaviour. I never said her children weren't a priority. Of course they are. She recognises that. But this is a support thread, for Unzippy to get the help she needs. She is being abused and controlled at home. Blaming her for not stopping his abusive behaviour will seem similar to the behaviour of her husband, even though you have her and her children's best interest at heart. But, I am sure her husband thinks he knows best when he calls her a whore and a bitch too.

Thank you everyone, I know I should have got out before, but I came from a poor childhood myself right into his arms at 18, I have never known any different, but kept having feelings that he shouldn't treatbme this way. He believes he can do know wrong, Inhave told him not to call our son names and to stop swearing he laughs at me and will say I pathetic or not right in the head, the worst thing is I believe him. He has this way of making me feel it is all my fault, even when we used to fight I would blame myself for him hitting me, he said it was the best thing he had done for me because it had made me interesting! How stupid am I to have stayed so long, but it feels very scary leaving being on my own but I know I would be a much better person without him, I always thought that perhaps it was abuse but I had no one to ask, any friends I made he soon made clear I shouldn't, he has always been very clever though never saying it outright, just making me feel so uncomfortable about mentioning them or wanting to see them. I wish I had my friends now, but I dropped them to get back with again. I love my children and feel so very ashamed for being jealous of my daughter and so useless in the defensive of my son, I am going to be strong, I will not back down this time, please just let it end;)

So what's your next move?

Oh Unzippy, this is terrible for you. Please ring Women's Aid. My advice in the meantime is to keep talking to your children. You know he is playing you all off against each other. At the moment I imagine your daughter is quite pliant and dotes on him. Once she starts getting her own mind and wants to do other things that he may not approve of, she may see a different side to him. She will need you then. Your son must also be very bewildered and hurt and angry too.

How old are your children btw?

Hi, my son is 11 and daughter is 4. My sons Aspergers is mild but he has had a hard time of it, we struggled getting the right diagnosis but I always tell him how much he is loved and that his dad does not mean it. My daughter does dote on dad and thinks I am mean because I won't give her chocolate and I am the one who has to tell her off, I can't find the right words to explain how silly I feel to jealous of my own daughter! Anyway, he is supposed to be leaving - going to move abroad it was our plan and the lease on this house runs out in March, I am looking for somewhere else to live now, so if it does not happen we have somewhere to go, I have my little girl in our room at the moment he is in her room. I just want it to be over, I feel sick and cry an awful lot, got to keep telling myself to be strong, then maybe I will be.

unzippy Please read your threads yourself - a good summary to see the damages it has done to your children. Do you really love them? Or you fear more of the uncertainties of getting out of the abusing relationship and fighting for a better future for yourself than loving your dear children?

Please do something. Or your children might end up in another abusing relationship when they grow up themselves. Please, the psychological influence is enormous!

Please be strong and wise for them.

This is an abusive relationship threebats. He is the cause of that, not the OP. The only reason they fought was because she wouldn't bend to his will (in defense of her children as well). As the victim, she is not to blame for his behaviour. I never said her children weren't a priority. Of course they are. She recognises that. But this is a support thread, for Unzippy to get the help she needs. She is being abused and controlled at home. Blaming her for not stopping his abusive behaviour will seem similar to the behaviour of her husband, even though you have her and her children's best interest at heart. But, I am sure her husband thinks he knows best when he calls her a whore and a bitch too.

Forgive me for not offering up tea and sympathy and for putting the needs of the disabled child first - there is a time and a place for sympathy and advice for a grown up adult who can understand the situation she finds herself in.
Thank you for comparing me to him.

I think threebats means good. I understand her point and thats y philosophy for events in life as well.

despite things out of one's control (like what others treat you), there are always lots of things within you control. As an adult, we shall not rely on others to offer a better life to us, i. e. we look after ourselves and those we love by making decisions and choices.

There's no other way.

Unzippy,
I hope you manage to sort things out. I feel quite strongly about children with a special need not being subjected to upset/nasty words while in their home, the place they ought to feel the safest - they need this more than a child without a special need.
I have seen first hand the damage caused to young children with a special need when the home situation is fractured and something they can not understand fully is going on - its particularly acute for children with Aspergers/Autism.

I take my hat off to you for deciding the time has come to do something about it, but I won't apologise for standing up for your son via my posts here today.
Far, far too many people go on living horrible lives because a man/woman makes their lives horrible. And I do understand and know from personal experience how hard it is to get up and walk out of a door when everything about your life has been controlled. Especially over a period as long as 22 years - it can completely eat away at your self confidence, your self esteem and make you question your decision making. It hurts like heck but sometimes, honestly.., there has got to be a cut off point and you appear to have reached yours.

You are definitely not a terrible mother, as you claim in your first post - your feelings of jealousy towards your daughter are a natural mothers instinct kicking in because you want the same for your son also. Don't despair of the future - your son is coming up to the age he goes to secondary school now? This is a great time to make a fresh start all around. For you and your children.
You can be strong, you have it in you. Tell yourself all the time - you are doing this for your children - it gives you that extra bit of courage it takes to take that extra step needed at times.
Good luck.

Abigail I thought you were pretty out of order with what you said about *threebats She's offering advice to the OP which might not be delivered in a way you like but that's no excuse for you to have a go at her.

Feel I should just say thank you to threebats, I take no offensive and understand your point of view, I would be you if I had not been in this for soo long, I sometimes wonder who I am and if I exist, I have fought for my son with schools and hospitals but at home it was different, I try but my husband is - I have no word for it.
I thank you all and I promise I am really trying this time

Call WA. Tis situation is untenable and what if he decides he doesn't want to leave/go abroad etc? You need to get him out. He is abusing you and your children.

Women's Aid will help you.

There is a long running thread here, where today the poster actually met with someone from WA. For the first time since she started posting her situation has become real and she feels supported in rl, like there is someone who will come to her and her children's aid, who will have a coffee with her and say "this is real, and it is unacceptable, and I will help you get out of it".

Please call them. You need rl support as well as the kindness of internet strangers.

I am going to get in touch with WA but at the moment it is difficult, I am having to cover my tracks now to talk here, but I will.
I do not want sympathy, I just need reassurance that I am doing the right thing as so many of you have said, he has almost brainwashed to the point where I except this treatment as normal and if I do speak out he makes me feel stupid and so unsure of myself - that's it's me with the problem not him.
Thank to all, please keep telling me I am doin the right thing, I can NOT let him in my head again.

You are most definitely doing the right thing. Hang on to that. If you find yourself wondering again, post what's happened on here. People will get you back to thinking straight again!

Get yourself and your beloved kids out of it! You can do it AND things will get better! Promise!

Oh dear, I didn't mean to upset everyone. Apologies OP and threebats.

No I didn't mean to compare you to him threebats. Sorry it came across like that, and I can see that it did. I absolutely know you have the child's best interests at heart (and hers) which he certainly doesn't (although he thinks he does ). I was just trying to put across how it can appear from an abused woman's perspective that both sides are telling her what to do (even though we really do want her and her children to be happy and know leaving is the only way that can be achieved). But she is not responsible for his behaviour.

However, Unzippy you seem to be quite far along the path to leaving and know what you want to do. I totally agree with Jux about rl support. It will make it real and will be invaluable to helping you leave. You are a very brave woman.

So, woke up today feeling completely wrong, keep trying to think of the bad stuff he does, if I try to talk to him and explain how I feel I know he will make me feel as Though I am making it up and that he is 'only joking', then I went for a elk and just thought to myself about my life and my children's life, do I really want them to grow up thinking this is normal? No I don't, I need to get out, I am house hunting today, going to be strong this time.

That is good news Unzippy. It is a really positive thing to do and step one of taking back control of your life.

I would still recommend speaking to someone at Women's Aid. If you look at GettingBig's thread here in relationships, especially the last couple of pages you will see how relieved she now feels having done that and how much of a help it could be.