Don't know if I should mind about this or not

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Recently separated and sharing custody. Dc with me more than him and most of their stuff is here.

It's his weekend with kids today. Yesterday I got a call from dd1 asking if they could come round and get their paying-in books to put Xmas cheques in. I was not at home or even in the same town. Today they wanted to come and get swimming costumes to go to a water park with dh.

Every weekend they are not here this happens. This morning they said they'd be round 'quite soon', I postponed having a bath then got fed up and got in. Cue knocking at door 10 mins later, more than an hour after the call.

I miss them like mad when they are not here, it's not that I don't want to see them but I think I should be able to have my weekends undisturbed without feeling guilty if I'm not at home. I can't help wondering if dh is doing this deliberately - he is EA and passive aggressive. I never do it to him. Also when they are with me he texts them constantly.

He's not great at boundaries either. I've been upstairs and come down and found him in kitchen/sitting room because the kids have let him in.

I don't know if I'm being reasonable or selfish and petty.

I hope you didn't come home for the paying in books! That was hardly an emergency - it could have been done at a later date.

How old are the kids? I think I would be telling them not to let him in without fetching you first, so you are the one telling him to fuck off rather than them.

How old are the DC? Do they need a key for the house? If they don't have one they can't let him in. There's a boundary right there.

Swimming costumes aren't expensive. Perhaps he should buy some to keep at his? There's another boundary.

The paying in book was a whim and can wait.

He should have FULL responsibility for his time with them (except in an emergency of course).

Once is an event, twice is interesting, three times is a pattern. I think this is being done deliberately: and you aren't unreasonable to be irked by it.

It's another way of pushing boundaries, keeping track of you, and trying to dominate you by obliging you to respond to requests. He's also attempting to reclaim territory in your home, which abusers are apt to do. It's being done through the children, and the requests are for reasonable sounding things, so you don't feel able to refuse.

Time for some new ground rules.

You are not being petty. These visits were not necessary. Seems he is trying to stay involved in your life or exert some kind of control over you. Don't respond to the calls or texts, unless it's an emergency, and don't feel guilty about it.

So pretty much he wants you to stay in at home when he has the children, at his Beck and call?

Not on his nelly. Get him to text the children what they will need to take for the weekend on a Friday, and see them again when they come home. Controlling duck.

Not petty

More mind games from the dickhead ex

Make sure that although you are contactable during his time with the children, you are unavailable except for emergencies

paying in books and swimming gear is not an emergency

So today my younger one was off school sick and he came round to see her (he doesn't have keys). Didn't ask or even tell me.

I only found out because there was an empty packet of chocolate buttons and I asked where they came from.

I would never do this if she were at his.

It's not on, is it? I'm not very good with these things but I think it's not showing enough respect for my space. Not very good at asserting myself though and I am not sure how to deal with it :(

No, you're right. It's not on.

He is using the dc to get at you.

Tricky one to deal with though, because you are being set up to look unreasonable.

Not much you could have done about him visiting your dd at your house while you were out. But now that he has done this, I think you are going to have to ask him not to come round to your house without speaking to you first. And then tell the children; 'Dad has to talk to me first if he wants to come to our house, otherwise it's just fucking rude not polite. I have told Dad this.'

You can also start saying things like:

'No, darlings, it will have to wait until you're home/next time because I'm not at home/about to go out' to the children when they ring for these little things.

'Daddy will have to buy you a swimming costume for his house'

'We can pay the cheques in next week'

Sorry, a bit jumbled, just a few ideas.

Good luck with it.

I would just like to add that dsd does this when she is at ours she constantly needs stuff from her mums and the other way around.
We try to get her to wait or buy a replacement item but she won't have any of it.

She has always been like it, however she won't come round the stuff must be taken to her.
I have always thought (although only step-mum so don't know her as you know your children) that it is so she gets to see both parents any time she wants as she likes to know that she is welcome in either house at any time.

It probably is your ex pushing the boundaries but it may well just be the DC's figuring out their 'new normal'
Sorry if this sounds like the rest of you are wrong it is just how I see it (and I am probably completely wrong )

Wakey it's good to hear another perspective, thank you. I guess it's early days and in time there will be more duplicates of their stuff.

I do think the coming round to my house, even if dd is sick, is not on. Also I see it as a kind of reproach coming to see her when she is sick and I am at work. As if I've somehow abandoned her, leaving her needing him. As if she's being left to her own devices 'on my watch'. It really infuriates me. She was being well looked after - our lovely au pair was here all day.

I hate him. But I find it hard to set the boundaries because I was a sahm for years and then a full time student. I feel effectively he bought the house. I know this is wrong but it's hard to cast off. For those who haven't read my rants over the last 12 months we were married 13 years, two children, he didn't want me to leave and has played the victim even though he didn't love me and the marriage had been dead in the water for years thanks to him being so EA to me for years.

So the au pair let him in? Can't you tell her not to? I do tvreally understand how he gets into your house all the time.

He'll have to get them spares at his house. My ex used to do this regularly too. Still tries it from time to time. I just say 'it's not convenient' or else ignore him unless it really is urgent. It's just them trying to control your time.

Tell him not to come round to your house. The au pair has no business letting people into your house against your wishes.

It's not the au pair's fault. She is really sweet, really polite and only 19. She can hardly refuse him access to his sick daughter. I have the feeling he turned up unannounced.

kalidanger he comes round to pick them up and if I am upstairs they let him in. He drops them off and comes in. I want things to be civil and amicable, but I think 'would I do that?' and I wouldn't.

Tell him not to come round unannounced. Tell the au pair not to let him in. Don't be upstairs when he's expected...in fact why don't you drop them off at his. Stop expecting an unreasonable man to suddenly start being reasonable.

No way would I allow these things to happen. You need to speak up, and you need to tell your DC to stop letting him in after he's dropped them home....be ready at the door if necessary to body block him

Sorry, what's EA? Just looked it up in Acronyms and not there. I keep seeing it but can't work it out from the background details.

Teeny

Emotional abuse?
I think you need to make it clear that he isn't welcome in your home.
It is a serious error on his part to come in.
I think I missed how old your dcs are but I think that makes a difference you may need to be straight with them about the fact that their dad doesn't need to come in. And that if they want things to take with them then they need to sort it before hand as you aren't available to sort things once they are gone x

I've just tried to have a conversation with them about it. They were v defensive about him, of course they want to see him and think it's unreasonable of me to be so unwelcoming.

They are 10 and 12

Tell them they can choose what people are invited in when THEY own a house.

I can see how it would be a bit difficult for the aupair to refuse him entry. And the children will probably feel burdened by having rules about not letting him in. He is the problem, and you need to raise it with him. Time to practise being assertive. Just say what you said here: You wouldn't let yourself into his house, and he is not respecting your space. And follow up by saying you will write to your solicitor if necessary.

Yes...and your dc probably think it's unreasonable that you and your ex are splitting up. Why are you asking for their advice? He has no place in your house. You need to establish and enforce that and stop making excuses that the au pair, the kids or whoever want to do things differently.

You will not be free of him until you establish that he really isn't welcome. That might make you the bad guy for a while. So what? Everyone will get over that and you will have your home for yourself and your kids.

She can hardly refuse him access to his sick daughter

She can and more so you.
She should have checked with you if it was ok.
She may not have realised it was not on, so just tell her to ring you next time or not let him in.

You can't be amicable if the other person won't be reasonable and respectful.

Sometimes we just have to lay down the ground rules, and if you feel intimidated and find it hard then perhaps you could pay a solicitor to write a letter for you on their special note paper:

Dear EAEx
Following your separation my client is entitled to privacy in her own space except by prior arrangement...blah blah blah.....