35 and no kids

[minnieroll]

Hey all,

Am 35 at the mo and been going out with a guy for ten years. Sad to say the relationship is coming to an end and since we never had kids i'm worried that this is it for me. I'm not particularly maternal and it probably wouldn't be the end of the world but I never thought I wouldn't ever have them.

Any advice/people in a similar sitch?

How would you feel about doing it on your own? Not saying you should, but it is possible...

I'm 38 and not particularly interested in having children. I do think if I'd met someone wonderful when I was 23 I might have had one at 33 or something but as I didn't... I didn't.

I recently had a failed contraception positive test (with someone I'd been with for a year and had already broken up with) then had a miscarriage at 6 weeks before I had the chance to arrange a termination. Now the hormones have calmed down I have to say that I'm not bothered.

If we don't want them, we don't want them. Do you want one? And they'll be plenty of posters sayi g you have plenty of time. 33 is not old

Thanks for the replies. I don't want one at the moment! But when will I want one?! Was under the impression that i'd be all broody by now!!

She's 35 kalidanger, and sorry but in fertility terms it is old. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. Lots of people suffering heartbreak ttc because they thought they still had plenty of time.

I'm slightly concerned that the clock thing will start clanging for me and I'll suddenly be gripped with an uncontrollable urge to procreate With no partner, no money, no room!! Is that what happens to people?

I do think it would have done already, if it was ever going to but I'm not sure how it works really

Oh, 35. Sorry.

Why didn't you have them with your DP of 10 years? Didn't ever talk about it?

I hear you kalidanger - i'm worried about the same!

Any advice tiredofwaitingforitalltochange?

Yes we talked about it but I wanted to concentrate on my career plus we don't own a home and it never seemed financially viable.

I see where you're coming from OP. I'm 30 and been with my partner 8 years. He's very sure he doesn't want children, I am sure I don't either...but I worry that that will change.

Besides the fact that neither of us are happy in our relationship just now.

It's really hard OP and I sympathise.

Hmm, you were with your boyfriend for 10 years and neither of you really considered having children. I think that if the circumstances are right and you're not particularly maternal, you will decide to have a go anyway (you were with this man for 10 years and, I'm assuming, must have had some periods when you were both in a position and you could have taken the plunge). If you haven't in that situation, then I wonder if you ever would really want them.

If you decide that you really want children further along the line then I know two people who have successfully used anonymous donors and are very happy going it alone. You do have choices but I think that your gut feeling that you might not really want children might be right and I don't think you should feel pressured into having them just because it's the "normal" thing for most women.

I suppose your EXDP was your fun, career and establishing yourself Dp and the next one will be the settling down one? Htf does all this work? I clearly have no clue.

Not very helpful, am I?

I don't think you should feel pressured into having them just because it's the "normal" thing for most women.

I think this and them I wonder what's 'wrong' with me... Then I think 'Well, I know I'm not abnormal' Then I wonder why I don't want them, then I realise that if I don't, I don't. It's confusing but I'm generally over it. I think

No, no advice really. We are all different. There is nothing wrong with not having kids, or not wanting them.

I do feel strongly that we can't 'have it all' though, and there are always sacrifice. For apart from a very few women, 'having it all' is a myth and a con. Building a good career, having a happy relationship, having children and a good family life - not many people do this. And those of us that don't are not failures. It's tough for women.

I have kids and they are the best thing in my life by miles. I don't regret them. But I didn't work for years and my marriage failed anyway. Now I am trying to sort myself out a career at 42. It's always a compromise and I don't feel I necessarily 'got it right'.

You could always get your FSH levels checked. It's a crude measure of fertility and you might find that if you know more about 'how long you've got' it might focus your mind on how important it is to you.

But it's a personal decision and important to work out if you want kids for yourself or that you feel you ought to want them because society and the Daily Mail tells you that.

There is nothing wrong with not having kids and you can have a fantastic life without them, and a great relationship with children that are not yours - your friends' kids, nieces and nephews, godchildren.

:)

this sounds like 'didn't want kids enough to actually have them'. Me too.

it is such a commitment and such an important thing. Some do, some don't. All are normal.

*sacrifices

I sympathise with you. I'm 33 in may & wonder if I'll have kids (I do want them). I'm in a new relationship, early days but hope that this time this is it & will do the whole marriage/kids thing. Not because it's normal but because we both want to :) x

I was 34 and single (had been for ages). 3 years later I'm married with a 1 year old and pregnant. So don't give up, meeting the right person could happen any day...

Thanks stubbed - brilliant!

Thanks everyone else - feel slightly less abnormal now!

I read a statistic the other day that half of all university educated women between the ages of 35 and 45 do not have children. I might have the age brackets slightly wrong, but the general sentiment I'm trying to get across is it is not unusual not to want kids.

I was 39 before I decided I wanted children, which fortunately wasn't too late for me, but it could have been. One friend met her husband at 38, and they jointly decided to stay child free. Another friend married at 37 and now aged 40 has a 2 year old and is planning number 2.

So it is possible to meet someone and have kids in your late 30s/early 40s, if that is what you want. You shouldn't feel pressured into it though, staying child free is not unusual, and is a perfectly logical decision for many women.

So not to be too flippant but you'll:

Keep your figure
Avoid years of sleepless nights and ongoing exhaustion
Save £100s of £1,000s
Not lose where you are in your career

As others have said, no one has it all. Children are a huge cost and compromise in so many ways. Yes, they bring a lot too...just my opinion. Glad i had them but its so bloody relentless and hard much of the time!

I do feel strongly that we can't 'have it all' though, and there are always sacrifice. For apart from a very few women, 'having it all' is a myth and a con. Building a good career, having a happy relationship, having children and a good family life - not many people do this. And those of us that don't are not failures. It's tough for women.

I couldn't agree more with this. I really thought I could 'have it all' and continued to work FT in my (professional) job whilst my children were small. Now I feel burnt out, that I missed the opportunity to teach them important things when they were small, I'm broke, divorced (thou I do have a lovely DP) and I will never have those years again. How I would feel if I have given up work I don't know. My exH could never have afforded any kind of life for us - so maybe I was forced into this ...

don't have kids if you're not that fussed. They are hard work and demanding of time, energy and money !

And one of my mates met Mr Right at 39, had 2 DC at 41 and 43 with no bother.
I know it's not that easy fir everyone but it's possible.

Another person I know got pregnant by accident at 51 and her long term man left her! She then got together with another man while pregnant, his wife had recently died.
There's no such thing as normal in my experience.

I'm 37 and just married but no kids. Not really sure if I want them and know I'm running out of time to decide! However I've only ever been seriously broody once in my life and that was when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer - I felt this visceral urge to produce grandchildren for him. However as the news sank in it dawned that this wasn't the most sensible idea!

DH does want kids but due to circumstances we aren't living together (although we v much are together IYSWIM?) I've said that I wouldn't have kids unless we were living in the same house and that time is ticking on so it may not happen. And that I wouldn't want to have IVF etc.

But then I panic - do I really not want children? If DH moved in tomorrow would we start trying for a baby? Current set up is sometimes a nice excuse not to think about it.

So I don't know the answer but as people have said above, no-one has it all.

I'm a couple of years older and my dp has always said he didn't want kids. It didnt use to be an issue but a lot of my friends have had dc recently and I've found this extremely hard, which I hadn't expected. If I left my dp (not that I plan to) I might meet someone else while I still have time, equally I might not and might end up completely on my own, so I'll just have to live with it.

However, due to the nature of in my job, of the 21 women (aged mid 30s to mid 50s) I work with, only 4 of us have dc. I think this helps, but it doesn't stop the feelings when you're out with a family and thinking "what if" or even worse, when friends who do have children now exclude you from thier lives. The only way I can deal with it is making myself remember that I'd never have been able to study, develop my career, travel, go and see bands, theatre etc, I have nobody to help or financial back-up either so it would be really difficult practicallly.

So no advice but I sympathise and understand the feelings you must be going through. It's hard.

My DS and his fiancé are 35 and 32 and don't want any children. I live in hope.