35 and no kids

[minnieroll]

Hey all,

Am 35 at the mo and been going out with a guy for ten years. Sad to say the relationship is coming to an end and since we never had kids i'm worried that this is it for me. I'm not particularly maternal and it probably wouldn't be the end of the world but I never thought I wouldn't ever have them.

Any advice/people in a similar sitch?

I didn't't think I wanted any. Then I had one, at 42. You''re not old!

I would agree that you're not old and there's still time. From my perspective you seem like a spring chicken!

All through my 20s and 30s I absolutely didn't want kids. Regularly congratulated myself on not having them, in fact. When I was 40 I set up a childfree social group for people who didn't have and didn't want kids. That was how strongly I felt about the whole child free thing.

Then when I was 42 I started to feel REALLY sad about not having children - or more specifically not being part of a family. I really liked kids and I suddenly felt that not having them was - just, sad. It was a really difficult time as I struggled to come to terms with decisions made earlier in life. It felt like a kind of reckoning!

That year I met my current partner. I got pregnant a year later and now at 45 am mum to a gorgeous little 5 month old boy. (The child free group weren't impressed :) ). I am so so happy (and so relieved) that I have had this amazing opportunity!

I wouldn't and couldn't presume to advise you. I think these decisions are very personal and quite hard if you don't have a strong urge to have kids. The only thing I would suggest is that you try to keep the anxiety to a minimum, if you can, and try to surround yourself with ALL sorts of people - those with children and without. Different perspectives help.

What a lovely story hilbobaggins - so pleased for you! Wish there was one of those child-free social groups near me - seems every woman and their dog are pregnant/got a kid at the moment, which in itself is a little lonely - especially since my best pal and 'never having kids' partner in crime is about to give birth.

I think you've hit the nail on the head - I would like to be part of a 'family' and not an old wily spinster when i do eventually 'grow up'. Pretty sure i'm suffering from arrested development! Is there a cure??!

That said, I do have a really great career which I am proud of. Eck.

Minnie- think we're all the same! None of us wants to grow up, there's not some invisible life stage barrier we've matured enough to progress thro that you haven't.. just that having kids focusses the mind of essentials -housing/feeding/educating offspring. No one else to do it so parents have to step up and would often love time off for good behaviour

Really don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but there should be some balance here. Lots of heartwarming stories about late motherhood and it's lovely to hear them.

But also there are lots of sad stories to counterbalance these. Infertility, multiple failed IVF attempts, broken marriages because of pressure ttc, miscarriages, higher rates of fetal abnormality. I've seen too many friends go through these heartbreaking things. I donated eggs to one of them when I was younger (she still didn't get pregnant). At 38 she was horrified when she found she had no eggs left.

You can't take fertility for granted as you get older.

A gynaecologist told me recently that at aged 30 around one in ten eggs are abnormal and at 40 it is one in three.

Sorry to be the bad fairy. I think it's important to realise that just because there are treatments for infertility it is still difficult for a lot of women over 40 to have a healthy baby.

I have two daughters and I tell them already to plan when they have children if they can and not leave it until it is too late.

But that's only if they want them and if they don't it's fine.

my doc told me at about 32 that i should seriously consider 'getting on with it' if i was thinking i'd ever want kids

i don't, so it's fine. The older i get the less appealling it is. and i certainly wouldn't have them to keep my DM happy deste

My 35th birthday: pissed as a fart, sitting in a hot tub at a rave with a bunch of naked loons, slurring drunkenly about wanting a baby.

My 36th birthday: a nice demure lunch with friends, accompanied by 6-week old DS asleep in his car seat.

(single mum, by the way)