saw that dh is downloading porn again....

[lunarx]

turned on the tv downstairs for ds to watch a video and as we have a computer also hooked up to the tv, the little message came up "you have finished downloading teen xxx from holland".

i was shaking with anger a bit ago. but realising i have to keep it together for ds....

i dont want to hear how he isnt replacing me with porn.. he and i had an understanding that he wouldnt download it and he's never admitted to it (but had threatened to use porn again)- our marriage is unstable at even some of the best moments and at the worst moments, well... and to be honest, there is little to no sex life (although last week, before my period, i did make an effort to try!)

maybe im upset that he is hiding this from me. (even though i have told him quite honestly that if he would tell me, i really wouldnt mind! would take some of the pressure off me to keep him sexually satisfied!)

sigh. just needed to vent to some hopefully friendly ears.....

teen x too. hmm i wopudl be worried abotu that euphenism

i dont think its anything more than a fetish, tbh.. sigh.. must really try not to think about it or it will just serve to drive my already non-existent self-esteem even lower.... :o

ok but iw woudl be mroe disturbed byt htat then comoon or garden porn imo

Doesn't sound good, tbh

yeah..sigh..i dont know.. i guess its just because he harps onto me about being honest and all that, and here this is, hidden from me. but my hands are tied at this point, other than venting about it here and to friends. i cant bring it up to him or a huge row (which i have no energy for) will ensue.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr what a bloody sneek!!!
I'd be mad !!!!

It must be so horrible because he lies about it and cannot be trusted to make sure your children never see any evidence of it

I don't mind porn in my consential relationship with my DH . I know that in the past he has had magazines and films that have been swapped with work colleagues. He never hid the fact or wanted to enjoy them exclusively alone. For him it was a bonus if I enjoyed it too. I don't feel threatened by that kind of material.

I havent seen anything like this for probably the last 8 years of our marriage.I know that if he had some he would tell me.
I also know that if I prefferred him not to have it in the house he would respect my wishes.

As for downloading I would be so worried about the wider implications of mistakingly or intentially downloading illegal and possibly child abuse images etc etc. What does "teen" mean ???????????
I'm sorry he can't be honest with you.

sswapping

god thast would make me ill

teen

I'd be more gutted by that than red hot spice tbh

or "old boilers blow their gaskets"

adn OHterpeopel KNWOING?

no nonononono

well i dont know, has he lied? i havent confronted him about it (he isnt the type to lie to someones face, that much i do know about him!) maybe he did it so i WOULD find it. (i'd hope not though.)

luckily ds is only 22 months old, so unlikely he would find it.

i dont know how i'm supposed to call him (as i do during his lunchhour daily) and keep calm..

lunarx,

Have you considered going to Relate?.

Does he himself consider his internet usage regarding porn to be a problem?.

Cod
You don't seriously think that big burly blokes who work in any kind of industry wouldn't know that already .
lol ....it is discusting though isn't it.
I don't think it is realistic to imagine that all men who have ever seen a porn movie have purchased it themselves.

any sort of relationship counselling is out of the question :( no finances or babysitter:(
i dont see the porn as a problem really (unless it became an EVERYDAY thing really), i just want honesty about it.

maybe he is giving me a dose of my own medicine for hiding things from him in the past...(but about different subjects..)

oh bloody hell!!

Lunarx
"maybe he is giving me a dose of my own medicine for hiding things from him in the past...(but about different subjects..) "

No! That is your feeling about being dishonest and misplacing the blame a bit.
He is not doing this for any other reason than he likes the porn!!!!
What matters is how you feel about it and his response to your feelings.
I'm sorry I was a bit strong about him being a liar as he only will have lied if you ask him and he denies it !!!

hi giddy, its okay. you dont have to apologise:)
the thing is, he will just justify his use of porn for his lack of sex from me. its all a catch 22. if i felt better about myself, sex would happen more (porn certainly wont help this!) - i might as well run into a brick wall really.....

How old is your dh and how old were you both when you first met?
Have you seen or do you have any idea what images he is looking at?
I have to agree with Giddy1, just about every man has looked or had access to porn at some time in their life BUT teen porn sounds quite sinister IMO.
Lunarx, what do you think about the concept of him looking at YOUNG girls, do you think that they may be under the age of puberty?

How old is your dh and how old were you both when you first met?
Have you seen or do you have any idea what images he is looking at?
I have to agree with Giddy1, just about every man has looked or had access to porn at some time in their life BUT teen porn sounds quite sinister IMO.
Lunarx, what do you think about the concept of him looking at YOUNG girls, do you think that they may be under the age of puberty?

he is 38. we met when i was 26 and he was 35.

i have seen the pictures in the past but nothing recent, but knowing him, i dont think it is anything illegal, its just for the kick of looking at a supposed '18 year old'. i dont like it, but at the end of the day, there isnt much i can do really. besides try to get on with things

Have you spoken to him about the recent incident and that it makes you uncomfortable, I'm sure he would understand if you explained what it would be like if the roles were reversed.

THe police told me a while ago that any site named "teen" or something along those lines would be unlikely to contain anything illegal as it would be traced too quickly and therefore would most likly be younger looking 18yos. SO I doubt he is soing anything illegal, however you do need to face this part of it, are you sure you are happy with him pursuing this type of material?

With my husband it was "pre-pubescent dot something" which made the choice clearer (haveing prepubescent children) but the line between the two is narrow IMO).

As for honesty, you say you don't mind but you want honesty how do you mean - "hey hunny I am just going to download this hunny to look at later"....

I think you need to sit down and get clear in your head what you are upset about (even the bits you don't want to face) and then work out how you are going to handle this use this place as a bouncing board if you like. This is not about you failing in any way, it is about him lacking respect for you and your child.

Your child may be young but if I found evidence of porn around where my children could find it (even on a TV as you say) I would flip out - it is irresponsible - and who says this will change?

KAZ09> doubtful he would understand!!!! he would probably he happy i was downloading porn as that would mean my sex drive is returning! :(

secur> no i am not happy. but i cant say anything unless i want an hour upon hour row about why im the reason he is downloading porn again.

for honesty, i would like him to be able to say to me, 'yes i've been downloading porn again because i need a release every now and again and i know you're not really up for it' (i can dream, yeah?) i am willing to leave him alone, in the study and not say a word afterwards. he would be infuriated if he saw this post. whatever happens or doesn't, it will come down to it being my fault.
i'm damned if i do (say anything) and damned if i don't (say anything)

i can only hope it would change. but even hope sometimes seems like a longshot...

:I but i thank you (and everyone else) for taking the time to post back to this...

Best of luck

Can you not even say to him that he left thsi thing on the screen adn that you would rather he was more careful in future because of ds/guests etc (imagine if you rnext door neighbour had popped in for a coffe or something)

As to it being yor fault - it isn't everyone makes there own choices - however I can see that you need to face one thing at a time here.

Howabout your GP, do you have any support there? For you for a start but also you may be able to get some councelling support or at least suggestons for couples counciling where money is an issue (because you are not the only couple out there with lack of funds)

What if you had an older child who could read or if your mum had turned the tv on? arse!