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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't Know what to call it...

41 replies

gandaulf · 26/01/2013 22:17

There seems just no way through. I have no support from my Mum. I spoke to someone I hardly know and he tried to be helpful but ended up saying I hope things go well for you. I presume that means he has done his part and doesn't want to get involved .. well, he doesn't know me after all and probably thinks I'm a waste of space too. Didn't want to confide how awful things are really.I tried to steer round things.
Awful arguement tonight - so worried about the effect all this is having on my son, my husband said that it was my fault because I don't discipline him. Just because I don't see physical punishment as correct.
I have no money, no friends, no where to go. I don't at this moment want to carry on like this - I don't want to wake up and sweep everything under the carpet again. I want him to be nice to me but what do I do to make him and everyone hate me so much. I am so lonely. I carry on week in week out - trying to smile and last week as i said above, kind of confided in someone (very loosely) about my situation. After that for a few days felt a bit lighter but now the heaviness and despair is back. I know that most people are probably laughing behind my back but I am just all over the place.
Please can anyone advise me.

OP posts:
Januarymadness · 26/01/2013 22:20

You sound so so woumd up and desperate. Please take a breath and explain your situation. I am not great at advice but I can and will listen and my shoulders are broad xxxx

Skillbo · 26/01/2013 22:22

I am sorry that I probably can't offer any advice as am not that great at relationships myself but you sound so sad and confused. Is it possible that you could confide in someone totally neutral that are there to help in your sort of situation - someone like Women's Aid or Samaritans.

I expect someone better will be here soon with some practical advice for you but just wanted to completely underline here that no-one will be laughing at you and there will be people who will want to help you!

Original poster
gandaulf · 26/01/2013 22:35

It doesn't matter, Just getting things off my chest. Everything will be back to normal tomorrow. Sorry for the post. I know that I have made my bed etc but I didn't know marriage was supposed to be this way. Perhaps I should just be grateful to have someone and 2 wonderful children. But if this is the way it is supposed to be why do I feel so unhappy and afraid for the future?
Do people look at people like me and snigger and think how pathetic I am? I don't want to know but I know that I want to have one, peaceful day with no arguing, fighting and just true peacer andf quiet. Just for one day.

OP posts:
defineme · 26/01/2013 22:41

I know it seems insurmountable, but there are women out there having quiet days right now who were once in your situation. It happens everywhere and you honestly can get out and take your babies with you.

Mnet will help you.

You can talk to your gp/health visitor/womens aid/samaritans/others I've not thought of and mnet.

foolonthehill · 26/01/2013 22:46

  1. it is entirely possible that your marriage is ABNORMAL and that it should not be what you are experiencing

  2. It is unlikely that people are laughing at you behind your back, but very possible that you have a low opinion of yourself because of what is going on in your marriage

  3. you probably feel unhappy and scared because you ARE unhappy and scared and it is probable that there are REAL reasons for this that you need to find a way to talk about.

  4. you deserve MORE than just one day of peace and love, this should be your normal with occasional disturbances. If it is not your normal then your life is not good for you or for your DCs.

come back and talk, no-one is laughing and no-one is judging.

Januarymadness · 26/01/2013 23:04

It does matter. It matters because you do.

greeneyed · 26/01/2013 23:19

Read what fool says over and over! OP it doesn't have to be this way, you can find some happiness

Skillbo · 26/01/2013 23:27

January speaks the truth - you are the most important person in your DCs life and you deserve so much more than this...

garlicblocks · 27/01/2013 00:09

I have made my bed etc but I didn't know marriage was supposed to be this way.

Anybody who thinks they made their bed and must lie in it has forgotten what marriage is supposed to be. It's mutually supportive, equally respectful, loving and kind. It's freely sharing everything you own. It's being a team, on the same side together. It's feeling treasured, and feeling safe.

If you had the traditional service, you both solemnly promised all the above. You promised, too, "Until death" ... but that doesn't mean a marriage is a life sentence! The contract you made is the whole package - the loving support, the respect, the sharing - for life. He's broken the contract so you are not bound to stick with him any more.

I'm sorry you feel so alone, but please keep posting. We hear you.

Original poster
gandaulf · 27/01/2013 19:14

I wasn't going to respond and don't know what to say. After having thought about my situation I think there are things I could do. I could stop nagging so much and I have been getting very irritable with everyone lately, my children even. This has not made things easy or eased the tension. My husband feels he can do nothing right so perhaps I can be a little less demanding. I have been trying to smooth things out but am now starting to feel that i can do nothing right and have started to argue back which is not the right thing i know.
By being more accomodating to my husbands wants and needs, perhaps things will start to get better. After all there has to be compromise and maybe I haven't done enough to make it easy for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
gandaulf · 27/01/2013 19:23

Also we don't go anywhere together. I take the children and he gets his time and he takes the children and I have a bit of time for me. He doesn't want me there because apparently I am not very nice to him and I don't want him there because I don't know how he is going to be.
By making sure that he gets his time when I take the children out it is better than staying in. Normally he wants some time for himself, as I do. But instead of being shouted at to get out because we are getiing annoying it is better to offer and it is just better.

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 27/01/2013 19:28

If you are still communicating (which it sounds like you ate), how about a simple agreement to focus on being kind to each other - thinking of how things feel for the other, and acting accordingly. If you've both got snarled up in a tangle of resentments and sharp words, and you both (it has to be both, mind - I'm not saying one of you becomes a doormat) try putting the other first for a bit, it could get you out of this stalemate.

Walkacrossthesand · 27/01/2013 19:29

are! Not 'ate'...

Original poster
gandaulf · 27/01/2013 19:39

We communicate to a certain degree but am not sure that I can get across what I want to. I just think perhaps I am being melodramatic and overdramatising things.
I feel even more worried and confused. Did Walkacross mean that I haven't done enough and it is my fault and I should put him first and then things will be calm. I don't know but it doesn't feel right to do that but maybe I have got it wrong and i am to blame. That certainly tallies with what my husband has said so then he must be right.

OP posts:
ladyWordy · 27/01/2013 19:41

Who told you everyone hates you, and that people are laughing behind your back?

Gandaulf, there is a way through, and life doesn't have to be like this. It isn't meant to be.

You sound extremely distressed. Do you feel able to talk to your doctor about how you have been feeling lately? About the heaviness and despair.

Original poster
gandaulf · 27/01/2013 19:47

I have just been a bit sensitive lately. No one has said anything its just how I have felt. I just need a holiday thats all. Anyway fresh week next week and things can be brighter after a good nights sleep. Must try to count my blessings as there are many people in the world worse off than me.
I would love a fresh start, or to turn the clock back and do things differently but unfortunately we don't get that luxury.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 27/01/2013 20:34

No, we can't turn the clock back but we can make the future better for ourselves quite often.

perhaps you could give us a flavour of your life if you think that would help.

izzyizin · 27/01/2013 20:54

so worried about the effect all this is having on my son, my husband said that it was my fault because I don't discipline him. Just because I don't see physical punishment as correct

Physical punishment of a child or children is NEVER 'correct'.

It seems your h has an issue because you don't physicaly chastise your ds. Are you saying that your h uses physical punishment to 'discipline' him?

Original poster
gandaulf · 27/01/2013 23:55

No that is not what I am saying.
Please do not misinterpret what i am trying to say.

 You are IzzyIzzin and I do not think you make helpful comments on Mumsnet. All you do is judge and make black and white statements but life is not black and white. I have come on Mumsnet to get support and advice but with you lurking on Mumsnet I will not bother to explain or ask for support from anyone.
OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 28/01/2013 00:03

Er, Izzy is generally pretty spot-on with her advice. Foolish to cut your nise off to spite your facd, OP.

Have you considered a chat with Women's Aid?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 28/01/2013 00:04

Gah, typos.

foolonthehill · 28/01/2013 00:07

Izzy is direct and like all of us sometimes (but in her case not that often) gets things the wrong way round. However like the rest of us she has no gripe with you other than to try to help you dig yourself out of the hole that you have found yourself in.

If you give a bit more information about what you are going though then maybe people could give you help and advice that you would find more useful?

However, on any open posting board you will get at least some comments that you disagree with or don't like...it's a free country, you don't have to listen to any of us. And you are at liberty to accept or reject anything that is said.

The people on this board are, in my experience, mostly kind-hearted and helpful...just not omniscient and often direct.

you won't get very much constructive advice if you bite the hands that are responding to your cry for help

Original poster
gandaulf · 28/01/2013 00:15

I am very disheartened anyway and to have someone be what i class as flippant and offhand but that you all think is direct and wonderul and obviously upsetting me is awful. I have tried to express the despair i feel and all you can do is side and back up one of your own against someone , me, who is obviously having a hard time. I personally do not call that supportive or helpful.
I am very confused and uncertain about everything so thankyou for confirming to me that no-one has my interests at heart. I just want to be able to be heard without being made to feel that I am a nuisance but I am not going to get that here. To be literally told that I am ungrateful is horrible.

OP posts:
ThingummyBob · 28/01/2013 00:30

andaulf,

I really don't think anyone is being mean. Maybe you ar efeeling a little bit 'ganged up' on in your everyday life and its affecting your emotions?

There are lots of lovely posters to give yo help and advice if you will let them help, I promise.

Do you have anyone in rl that you can talk to about your life at home? Sometimes just sharing a problem (on here or in rl) can help.

ThingummyBob · 28/01/2013 00:30

Gandaulf* obvs Blush