Don't Know what to call it...

[gandaulf]

There seems just no way through. I have no support from my Mum. I spoke to someone I hardly know and he tried to be helpful but ended up saying I hope things go well for you. I presume that means he has done his part and doesn't want to get involved .. well, he doesn't know me after all and probably thinks I'm a waste of space too. Didn't want to confide how awful things are really.I tried to steer round things.
Awful arguement tonight - so worried about the effect all this is having on my son, my husband said that it was my fault because I don't discipline him. Just because I don't see physical punishment as correct.
I have no money, no friends, no where to go. I don't at this moment want to carry on like this - I don't want to wake up and sweep everything under the carpet again. I want him to be nice to me but what do I do to make him and everyone hate me so much. I am so lonely. I carry on week in week out - trying to smile and last week as i said above, kind of confided in someone (very loosely) about my situation. After that for a few days felt a bit lighter but now the heaviness and despair is back. I know that most people are probably laughing behind my back but I am just all over the place.
Please can anyone advise me.

[foolonthehill]

may you find peace and the light you need to live by.

[foolonthehill]

sorry about that Gandaulf but not really surprised.

The questions relate to verbal and emotional abuse within a close relationship. Maybe you guessed that anyway? I recognised the thought patterns from my own marriage, the inability to trust one's instincts and defensiveness and just sheer panic and desperation that I felt seemed to be coming at me through your post.

You really are amongst friends here, and anonymous,. You can explore what this means for you and for your DC and what options you have.

Be careful, make sure your computer is in private browsing so he can't check up on you and you can have a private space all to yourself for your thoughts and questions.

here is a link if you are not tekky...I am not! windows.microsoft.com/en-GB/windows-vista/What-is-InPrivate-Browsing

with much love
take care

[gandaulf]

The answer is 'YES' to your questions, Foolon the hill

[foolonthehill]

Gandaulf I don't want to put words in your mouth but here are some questions for you about your relationship

Does your partner speak to you differently in private and in public?
Do you often leave a discussion with your partner feeling completely confused?
Does your partner deny being angry or upset when he/she very obviously is?
Does your partner act as though you are attacking them when you try to explain your feelings?
Does your partner discount your opinions or experiences?
You feel as though no matter how hard you try, you can't communicate your thoughts and feelings to your partner as he always misunderstands you or it causes an argument however you approach the subject?
Do you feel nervous or avoid discussing issues which disturb you with your partner because you 'know' that trying to discuss them will just leave you feeling even more upset?
Do you feel as though your self-esteem and your self-confidence have decreased?
Do you find yourself spending a lot of time working out either how not to upset your partner or wondering what you did or said which did upset your partner?

[Januarymadness]

Love is about being loved for who you are. Marriage is about love so you need to be you for it to work. I lost my way for a little while and I tried to be who I thought he wanted me to be and neither of us were happy. Turns out who I am is good enoigh.

[izzyizin]

Some of the humdrum everday things such as 'what shall we have for dinner', 'what shall we watch on tv', 'where shall we go on holiday', may require compromise on the part of one or the other.

However, marriage should never be about compromising your personal integrity and if you find yourself living a lie, it's time to set about making the changes which will enable you to look yourself in the face again.

If your h uses physical punishment to 'discipline' your ds, I have no compunction about advising you to leave him and take your ds with you.

[gandaulf]

I have thought about the posts people have put on here. You are right, I have not confirmed or said what anything is. I think I am still trying to sort things in my own mind. My thread, I dont't know what to call it , just about sums up where I am. I don't know if I am quite ready to accept the reality of my situation. I am trying to process just what is happeneing.
I want to talk but don't know what to say or if I have anythng to say - I need to get to terms with what is 'my life'.
I don't know what life should be like. quite where I fit in. I have forgotten who I am and how to be me but then marriage is about compromise isn't it.

[Januarymadness]

The thing is you are telling us you are distressed and wound up about everything but you are not telling us what you mean by "everything". There are conclusions being jumped to because we cant help if we dont know what is wrong.

Give us some examples and we may be able to give some advice.

Going on feeling like you are always in the wronh is not right. It may be your husbands behaviour is wrong, it maybe you need some thelp with your thought processes. It maybe both. But we dont know, we only know what you tell us and there is no point in us trying to address something if something else is the issue.

I know that something needs to be addressed because no one should feel the way you are saying you do.

[chocoreturns]

I read your posts and they make me feel ever so sad inside because I used to feel just like you, and I thought that it was just how marriage was meant to be too. That this was what 'compromise' was. But from the way you talk about yourself, I don't think you sound like you need to compromise more, I think possibly you need to compromise LESS.

It sounds like you may have compromised so much that you have lost sight of who you really are, so you feel lost, frustrated and lonely, like you are being judged all the time because you feel you have changed so much you need some external approval to remind you that it is all going to be ok...

I may be wrong. But in my case, when I felt like that, I was being judged by my husband. He put me down all the time, raised the bar everytime I met his expectations so that I always felt I fell short - that I needed to try harder, do more, stop complaining, be more grateful. You may feel isolated and judged and angry and frightened because that's how your husband is making you feel :(

I know that this will sound blunt and you may feel that it's unhelpful but I really do want to help you - I don't think it's possible to feel the way you do unless you are a) clinically depressed or b) being treated in such a way as to make you feel worthless.

If you really don't think your marriage is to blame then I urge you to talk to your doctor as others have. But from what you've posted, I think perhaps deep down you do think your marriage (ie, how you are treated and feel within your marriage) is the problem. In which case, please know you are not the only person who has felt like this. And being punched in the face isn't the only way you can be beaten down by a man, being picked at with words can be just as brutal, I know.

[AgathaF]

Have you considered speaking to your doctor or health visitor about how you are feeling? They may be able to offer help.

[garlicblocks]

You say you and H take the children out separately. It's helpful for each of you to get some time to yourself, but how come you don't also go out as a family, maybe once a week? Whose choice is that, would you say? What happens when you do all go somewhere together, generally?

"But instead of being shouted at to get out because we are getting annoying it is better to offer and it is just better."

Does this mean he yells at you all to get out of his hair? How do your DC respond to that; does it bother them? I'm not sure whether you're saying you try to guess when H wants to be alone, and get everyone out before he kicks off - does that happen a lot? It would seem a shame if your H chucks his family out of the house on a regular basis ...

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Gandaulf, no-one is giving up on you, you're not being judged (honestly!) and we know you're being "touchy" because you're at your wits end. You're not a failure, and we can help, if you'll let us. Why else did you come here? Please come back.

You may not like Izzy's style, that's fair enough, but perhaps others can help?

Please, please don't give up, you sought help for a reason, that reason hasn't changed.

[gandaulf]

I am very distressed with everything. I just feel such a failure. I am so touchy because I know people don't like me and feel that I deserve my lot in life. Please don't give up on me. I just feel so judged and I am so sorry.
You are all trying to help but I don't think anyone can. I''m sorry.

[gandaulf]

(Big Sigh!) I can't get anything right can I? Just so tired of always getting things wrong, I am so tired and worn out. So Sorry Thingummy Bob.

[AgnesBligg]

because she wrote your name wrong in her post?

You do seem very distressed. What type of advice are you looking for?

[gandaulf]

What does Gandaulf* obvs and then the embarrassed face mean?

[ThingummyBob]

Gandaulf* obvs

[ThingummyBob]

andaulf,

I really don't think anyone is being mean. Maybe you ar efeeling a little bit 'ganged up' on in your everyday life and its affecting your emotions?

There are lots of lovely posters to give yo help and advice if you will let them help, I promise.

Do you have anyone in rl that you can talk to about your life at home? Sometimes just sharing a problem (on here or in rl) can help.

[gandaulf]

I am very disheartened anyway and to have someone be what i class as flippant and offhand but that you all think is direct and wonderul and obviously upsetting me is awful. I have tried to express the despair i feel and all you can do is side and back up one of your own against someone , me, who is obviously having a hard time. I personally do not call that supportive or helpful.
I am very confused and uncertain about everything so thankyou for confirming to me that no-one has my interests at heart. I just want to be able to be heard without being made to feel that I am a nuisance but I am not going to get that here. To be literally told that I am ungrateful is horrible.

[foolonthehill]

Izzy is direct and like all of us sometimes (but in her case not that often) gets things the wrong way round. However like the rest of us she has no gripe with you other than to try to help you dig yourself out of the hole that you have found yourself in.

If you give a bit more information about what you are going though then maybe people could give you help and advice that you would find more useful?

However, on any open posting board you will get at least some comments that you disagree with or don't like...it's a free country, you don't have to listen to any of us. And you are at liberty to accept or reject anything that is said.

The people on this board are, in my experience, mostly kind-hearted and helpful...just not omniscient and often direct.

you won't get very much constructive advice if you bite the hands that are responding to your cry for help

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Gah, typos.

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Er, Izzy is generally pretty spot-on with her advice. Foolish to cut your nise off to spite your facd, OP.

Have you considered a chat with Women's Aid?

[gandaulf]

No that is not what I am saying.
Please do not misinterpret what i am trying to say.

You are IzzyIzzin and I do not think you make helpful comments on Mumsnet. All you do is judge and make black and white statements but life is not black and white. I have come on Mumsnet to get support and advice but with you lurking on Mumsnet I will not bother to explain or ask for support from anyone.

[izzyizin]

so worried about the effect all this is having on my son, my husband said that it was my fault because I don't discipline him. Just because I don't see physical punishment as correct

Physical punishment of a child or children is NEVER 'correct'.

It seems your h has an issue because you don't physicaly chastise your ds. Are you saying that your h uses physical punishment to 'discipline' him?

[foolonthehill]

No, we can't turn the clock back but we can make the future better for ourselves quite often.

perhaps you could give us a flavour of your life if you think that would help.