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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am absolutely and utterly arse achingly lonely

65 replies

queencat · 25/01/2013 23:10

That's it in a nutshell.

I've been by myself with three children for three years now. I feel utterly incapable of happiness. I don't know how to feel normal and despite being by myself I still can't quite get my head around the whole situation.

My ex has a whole new life and girlfriend, social life etc and I am just here and so so lonely and sad.

I need a kick or something but I don't know whet up do first.

Please help.

OP posts:
achillea · 25/01/2013 23:12

You must have people in your day to day life? Work? Toddler groups? Family?

NorksAreMessy · 25/01/2013 23:13

You don't need a kick, you need a kiss, and some love and some LIFE

Talk to us about your life as it is now, where you are, what you do, and we will help

Original poster
queencat · 25/01/2013 23:18

I work a lot. I have a very very stressful job, that involves me working from home all hours. I have a family but while they are lovely say 'cone on you need to start pulling yourself together now'

I have tried hypnotherapy, counselling all different meds but I am still just here.

My children don't seem to be thriving under my care, they are very difficult and I snap a lot. My middle child has ADHD and ASD and I find looking after her exhausting with very few rewarding moments. When my children go away I either go and sit around a family members house or I stay be myself and go and watch a film. I don't know anyone else who is divorced.

I just feel like an utter loser.

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 25/01/2013 23:24

queen you can't be a loser because (list alert)

A) you ae bringing up three children. You are their world
B) you are caring for a child with additional needs
C) you are doing this alone

Any one of those would get my admiration, bit all three together is a tough gig.

What would you LIKE to happen?

NorksAreMessy · 25/01/2013 23:24

D) you work as well...forgot the one, sorry

TDada · 25/01/2013 23:25

Hi- do you have time to play team sport or join gym classes?

Original poster
queencat · 25/01/2013 23:28

I would like to feel happy again. I would like to feel loved by another adult. A lot of the time I feel like I am running on empty and the children would be better off without me around bringing them down. I will be fine and then I will for no reason just burst into tears.

I want to feel like I've got some life in me.

OP posts:
Original poster
queencat · 25/01/2013 23:31

No I don't, I work and I look after the children. I wanted to try a single mothers meet up group but I'm so embarrassed by my dd's extreme behaviour. We were out last night and she was crawling around on the floor hissing (she does this a lot wheb she is sngry) d this group of women just stated at me in disgust. I cried all the way home and I hate the kids seeing me so upset.

OP posts:
sarahseashell · 25/01/2013 23:32

hugs and sympathy from me Brew
incidentally there's another lonely person a few threads down how's about PM buddies? Smile

Okay - any other divorced/separated parents at the school? Any mums you like a little bit that you can drag out for a drink, or if not family member? Any chance of starting an evening class/ weekly exercise class? MN meetup or the meetup website?

Is bloody hard being lp and being stuck in on your own a lot is inevitable to some degree. Working from home is isolating. You're doing great keeping afloat. Be kind to yourself

dequoisagitil · 25/01/2013 23:33

Oh sweetheart. HUGS.

Can you go to the GP and get some help?

Can you join some groups?

NorksAreMessy · 25/01/2013 23:34

queen keep trying!
So this group of mums weren't welcoming, another goup might well be. Please keep trying.

Now, enough about the children, what about YOU, who ae you, what do you do, what do you enjoy?

dequoisagitil · 25/01/2013 23:35

Oh, reading further - can you get respite care?

I care about you. I know I'm a random internet bod, but I do care.

Original poster
queencat · 25/01/2013 23:35

I have tried anti depressants and I'm on the waiting list for more counselling. I put up a good front when I'm out and about.

I don't know any other single parents and some of the mums at the school tend to turn their noses up a bit at me because to the outside world dd appears quite feral!

OP posts:
Original poster
queencat · 25/01/2013 23:37

I don't know who I am anymore, sorry I'm in tears typing this. I don't know what I like to do or what I enjoy. I am just sad.

OP posts:
dequoisagitil · 25/01/2013 23:38

Are there any specialised groups?

If you feel able, explain dd's social difficulties. I know people can be arses, 'tho.

dequoisagitil · 25/01/2013 23:39

Try to remember yourself, lovely. You need time to yourself.

No-one can go on alone and with nothing for themselves indefinitely.

Original poster
queencat · 25/01/2013 23:45

In respect of specialised groups my exp refuses to believe diagnosis for dd, he says I can't control her and its my fault as I have given her abandonment issues because I went to pieces after HE left! I know how awful that sounds. I can't medicate her as he tells me he will take me to court and so I don't feel like I can go to a specialist group without him getting wind of what's going on and dredging it up again how it's all me.

OP posts:
idlevice · 25/01/2013 23:45

Have you looked up Homestart in your area? Not sure whether it would be appropriate but you can self-refer.

Original poster
queencat · 25/01/2013 23:47

I had a family link worker come over and she spoke to me as if I was giving the kids kebabs for breakfast and told me to do sticker charts for behavioural issues and then left!

OP posts:
sarahseashell · 25/01/2013 23:49

Ex is being a dick and just saying that because he feels guilty. Can you get support and advice from your GP because it sounds as if you'd feel a bit better if getting some support in relation to that. Then if GP suggests a group just tell him that and go! you can go anyway!

When we feel down it's easy to imagine people are judging us harshly and all that but there will be one or two good eggs about somewhere near you, it's just a case of flushing them out. It really sounds like you need some proper help though can you ask GP if there are any other options for counselling?

NorksAreMessy · 25/01/2013 23:50

We need to start with disentangling you from EXDH.
He doesnt live with th everyday reality of the situation.
It is not all you and you need some proper help for your DD

dequoisagitil · 25/01/2013 23:50

You need to get the resources that are available to you on side.

He is talking bollocks. Stop being afraid they will believe him over you. You live with her 24/7, don't you? Stand up for yourself.

Original poster
queencat · 25/01/2013 23:51

I will go back to GP had one assessment with counselling and am now just waiting for my appointment. I wish I could go private but have spent loads on hypnosis and counselling with no luck so am now going back through NHS.

OP posts:
Yika · 25/01/2013 23:51

Hi. Sad to read your post about not knowing who you are any more. Hug from me. Sounds like you need a rest. Is a week's holiday away somewhere relaxing without children at all possible? Perhaps a frivolous suggestion...

suburbophobe · 25/01/2013 23:52

queen, I'm an LP, yes it's relentless.... and I only have 1! No help at all from his dad, never, nada, niente. Been out of his life since 6 months old.

But you are doing the most important job in the world.
You are NOT a loser! More like a winner doing what you do.

Don't get down on yourself for snapping. Are you getting help with your SN DC? Also for yourself, please pay a visit to your GP to start with. For me, I will never take any AD or anything (not judging those who do, it's just not for me), counselling helped (when you find the right one). and the time!

My DS is 21 now and at university.

You WILL get through this.

We DON'T have to be so-called "supermom"!

((hugs))

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