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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am absolutely and utterly arse achingly lonely

65 replies

queencat · 25/01/2013 23:10

That's it in a nutshell.

I've been by myself with three children for three years now. I feel utterly incapable of happiness. I don't know how to feel normal and despite being by myself I still can't quite get my head around the whole situation.

My ex has a whole new life and girlfriend, social life etc and I am just here and so so lonely and sad.

I need a kick or something but I don't know whet up do first.

Please help.

OP posts:
Herrena · 25/01/2013 23:55

If you go to a specialist group then presumably there will be other people there who can corroborate your DD's diagnosis; I think you might be reassured (wrong word but YSWIM!) by that, if your ex is disbelieving. It can be hard to maintain a position when someone whose opinion you used to respect is openly against it. He sounds like he's in denial whereas you are dealing with the situation.

Is there any way you could adjust your work life so that you WOH occasionally - part-time perhaps? I do know what it is like to be lonely/depressed and having a casual conversation with a co-worker was a lifeline some days.

Also I would advise that antidepressants do work, but IME a good whack of CBT is also helpful. I got a self-help book and managed to spot a few of my 'bad habit' thoughts that lead me down a bad road. I still use the techniques now in fact.

It will get better than this, honestly. We do understand Brew

Original poster
queencat · 25/01/2013 23:55

I have said over and over again to him it's not me. The school have not been much help because she keeps it together at school she just explodes when we leave. I would rather it be that way round though. She also has issues with her writing and memory but he just bangs on about how she isn't listening because she is bored.

I do stand up for myself but he does make me question myself when she behaves nicely for him. I have been on the verge of sending her to live with him but that would mean her changing schools which would distress her even more and I don't want to hurt her anymore:

OP posts:
Yika · 25/01/2013 23:57

The kebabs for brekky remark made me laugh, and then it made me wonder whether you have many laughs with your children? You sound very down. would doing something silly or indulgent with them that you can laugh about together help your relationship with them and also help lift your mood every once in a while? Again, I don't mean to be frivolous ...

dequoisagitil · 25/01/2013 23:57

It's not her that is the problem.

Original poster
queencat · 25/01/2013 23:59

My work is part time but I have a very demanding boss who doesn't understand boundaries. I have started pushing back and trying to belts part time but often it doesn't work. I get paid well for what I do which is good because I don't want to rely on the state but it does come at a price. I have looked around for something more local but the pay would drop dramatically and I would be so much worse off.

OP posts:
sarahseashell · 26/01/2013 00:00

trust yourself OP -one of the advantages of being an lp is that you can make decisions and get help, you're the one seeing what's happening. His blaming you is nonsense just ignore that, think about some practical ways to get help for dd and for you.

Have you spoken to the school to see if they can get an educational psychologist? Also the GP needs to help you - dd needs a proper diagnosis and help. Drop the self blame (it is not your fault) and get practical

Original poster
queencat · 26/01/2013 00:01

We don't laugh as a family very often as our whole lives seem to be dictated by what dd wants and the mood she is in. If we go for days out it often ends in disaster which then just puts me off. I so want my children to be happy and I'm dragging them down.

OP posts:
Original poster
queencat · 26/01/2013 00:03

I've had a formal diagnosis but that seems to jot doubt for very much. I have regular meetings at the school and I've got an OT appt gonna up do hopefully they will be able to confirm if she has dyspraxia on addition.

OP posts:
Original poster
queencat · 26/01/2013 00:04

I've just realised what a whinger and horrible person I sound. I'm not and really want to get back on my feet!

OP posts:
Flumpyflumps · 26/01/2013 00:04

OP how long did you give the anti depressants? They do take a while to work and level out.
Is it a relationship or friendship that would be preferable?

suburbophobe · 26/01/2013 00:04

my exp refuses to believe diagnosis for dd, he says I can't control her and its my fault as I have given her abandonment issues because I went to pieces after HE left! I know how awful that sounds. I can't medicate her as he tells me he will take me to court and so I don't feel like I can go to a specialist group without him getting wind of what's going on and dredging it up again how it's all me.

Right! So HE is the problem. He's fucking you around, you know that don't you? Tell him to fuck right off and take back your power!!

I also think a medical person is more qualified to tell you what she needs than him, frankly.

Get out of "the spell" he's put you under and get onto that counselling. Any counsellor worth their diploma will help you. It might take a bit of "shopping around"....

Maybe the Freedom Programme from Women's Aid? (Sorry, no experience yet).

suburbophobe · 26/01/2013 00:07

I've just realised what a whinger and horrible person I sound.

You are neither of these. You have just got to take back your power from wankers who have messed with your head.

You can do it!

Flumpyflumps · 26/01/2013 00:08

Sorry also just seen the bit about ex not wanting meds for dd, and accusing you of not controlling her.

Appalling, you are dealing with so much and need to rely on medical professionals not twats like him.

You do what you need to do and maybe this will give you head space to find something for you outside of the children?

Original poster
queencat · 26/01/2013 00:11

I have drama with dd she is up now ill check back in thank you xxx

OP posts:
achillea · 26/01/2013 00:13

In respect of specialised groups my exp refuses to believe diagnosis for dd, he says I can't control her and its my fault as I have given her abandonment issues because I went to pieces after HE left! I know how awful that sounds. I can't medicate her as he tells me he will take me to court and so I don't feel like I can go to a specialist group without him getting wind of what's going on and dredging it up again how it's all me.

I'm very worried about the fact that you have been unable to get support for your daughter because he is threatening you with court, or by finding opportunities to blame you for the fact that your daughter has ADHD and ASD.

Your daughter needs support to ensure she reaches her full potential. You need to get her that support. If he threatens or obstructs by telling everyone how this is somehow your problem, he will the one to lose access, not you. They will see through this.

Try to make a plan of how to get your daughter some additional support and also for your other children to get a break as her behaviour will be affecting them too. Keep talking and keep asking for help.

[bsmile]

achillea · 26/01/2013 00:15

So you gave her abandonment issues because he left the family home. That'd be right.

Flumpyflumps · 26/01/2013 00:15

Also OP where in the world are you? If SW London be glad to meet you, your OP has got me all concerned for you, you are so strong and don't seem to realise that you are.

lilacmamacat · 26/01/2013 00:27

If I knew where you lived I'd come round and hug you RIGHT NOW.

Sounds to me like a change of job might help too - working at home can be so isolating. Also can you move further away from the ex? If necessary, just enough to give yourself a bit more (mental) space iyswim.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt · 26/01/2013 00:36

Lots of good advice so far.

Can you start playing a sport. Sorry,I know this is a very simplistic bit of advice but it can be such a beneficial activity. Badminton is a good sociable sport and there are usually groups to suit everyone even complete beginners. Our leisure centre has drop in sessions a few times a week. They have a coach running it so there is always someone to play against. .????

dequoisagitil · 26/01/2013 00:37

I am sure you have had better advice than I could give. Just stay strong and know you did your best, that's all you can ever do.

Flumpyflumps · 26/01/2013 00:38

OP please check in when you can, I actually want to get in my car and come hug you in a v non MN style, I can't stop thinking about the enormous pressure you are under and the massive unfairness of the situation. What do you think you need to help your situation?

jent18 · 26/01/2013 01:58

my 8 year old DD has ASD & ADHD and dyspraxia and severe dyslexia. She has acted feral and bitten/kicked/punched other children and adults. She is now on ritalin and better able to control herself and her temper. It is the best thing we could have done for her and this family. Don't listen to your EXH- he's an arse and doesn't know what he's talking about. Speak to the professionals about your daughter and see what they feel is best for her (and you).

With a special needs child other people often stare and make rude remarks - you are going to have to grow a thick skin and learn to ignore them. What's most important is that your DD and your other DCs are happy. And that in turn will put you in a better place and be able to start thinking about your own well being a bit more.

Flumpyflumps · 26/01/2013 02:08

Know it's late but wondered how the OP was doing after DD meltdown?
Are you OK?
So sorry to sound stalker ish but your OP really spoke to me iykwim?
Just want to support!

VestaCurry · 26/01/2013 02:13

Well you certainly are not a whinger!! You are coping with a lot of stress, most of it coming from your ex h with his clueless blaming and threatening behaviour. Do not let him make you doubt yourself. Do not, please. You have a diagnosis for your dd, you need to build on it in terms of what support you can get in place to help your dd, and therefore your other children, then of course you.
I know we're online, and can't support in person, but I wish we could.
What friends do you have? Any close ones you can ask to go out for a drink and a natter, while a family member babysits? Some regular getting out and socialising, just baby steps even, would be good I'd think.

Astelia · 26/01/2013 02:39

OP it sounds hellish and you sound at the end of your tether. Are all three DCs at school? Would you be able to look for a different job that gets you out of the house?

It sounds like you need a break and some time to make a social life. When does DH look after the DCs?

Can you get respite care for DD? It should be available in your area.