How do I get him to stop using our circumstances as a weapon? and why doesn't he want to spend any time with me?

[bearwithbearwithbearwith]

Hi everyone, I am a couple of weeks away from having my first baby. My partner goes to work and I stay at home. I would say that on average every day he spends around 5 minutes WITH me. He gets home and says hello and we have a little chat about anything interesting that has happened that day and then that is it. I won't see him / spend time with him for the rest of the night. I also know that this weekend he won't spend any time with me.

If I bring up that he doesn't spend any time with me - or anything that upsets me actually - his response is that he goes to work all day. He uses this as almost a weapon. He does whatever he wants every single day and night and weekend - if I say but I want you to do this or I want us to do this or can you sit with me and talk? I GO TO WORK ALL DAY! If I go in one room he will go into another room. I go to bed very early and he doesn't come to bed till very very very late. So it's not like he doesn't get time for himself. If I ask him to do something with me on Sat or Sun he will say THIS IS MY ONLY DAY OFF A WEEK! (Which implies that I am another JOB he has to do).

If I start to 'nag' (this how I feel I am seen) he will say he goes to work and is stressed. For the record his job is not stressful - it is a really nice job - we both know this.

The bottom line is I feel I have to nag him to spend time with me - I feel SO lonely. I look forward to him coming home because I have spent the whole day alone watching TV - I then spend the evening watching TV and feel so bored and so lonely. I also can't handle this guilt that he keeps putting on me that he works and I do nothing. I am praying for the baby to come today so I will actually have some attention and something to do.

How can I stop him from making me feel so guilty about him working and WHY doesn't he want to spend any time with me? When we met he wanted, desperately, to spend 24 hours a day with me.

You poor love. SPD is horrid but it will go as soon as your baby is out and your h is being an idiot.

It's going to get tough when the baby comes and you're going to need his support - dh is my number 1 cheerleader and helps out when he's at home and it's still hard looking after a littlie (dd is 11 weeks). You need to have a serious talk with him and tell him it's not just the grand gestures but the time and support in the evenings you need too. You should prepare him that having a newborn is hard and that he will have to pull his weight ti get you all through the first few weeks. You should also be prepared that looking after a newbie means you may not have the opportunity to see your h in the evenings. Dh and I are thick as thieves but have only just started to get our time back with each other - and we work hard to create that time.

It sounds like you need to start making some local friends for company during the day. Have you looked into your local Nct and other things you might do? Having a new baby seems to have opened up a whole new world of new people in the same situation, I'm saying this because we're in a new area and was nervous not knowing anyone. I have managed to set up one thing each day (eg baby massage, Nct, baby cinema, coffee with one of the baby massage girls, walk with Nct people) and it really helps. Could you do the same??

Good luck - you're about to enter into a really magical time!!

Thanks everyone.
For those saying I sound hopeless and helpless - I don't think I am. And I certainly have never been in the past. But pregnancy and hormones and moving away etc. can make anyone pretty low. i am not putting pressure on him to be 'everything' in my life - all I want from him is longer than 5 minutes in the evening and perhaps a lunch at the weekend or something.

I have researched groups and made on line friends but not been able to / at this stage / to make that step to get out and meet people because of the way I am feeling - very different to how i once was/ hormonal/ insecure.

I know that I need to make big changes with my life in regards friends - but I am days away from giving birth and I will do this when i actually have a baby.

I don't think you're hopeless or helpless. This is the time... and I remember how 'beached whale' I felt two weeks before DS arrived.... when you particularly need a partner to be exuding love, confidence and reassurance. Fussing about and making you comfortable... not demanding me-time and chatting to online gamers

But I also think you are on a hiding to nothing if you expect him to suddenly flip a switch when the wunderkind arrives and behave any differently. That's why I think you have to make a big noise now, pull a few dirty tricks and get him a little worried... stop taking you for granted.

Maybe a slightly childish idea but - can you change the password for your Internet connection? Not to be an arse but because if he can't connect to the Internet he can't get immersed in games etc straight off. it may break the cycle and enable you to get into his space for half an hour. You can always be up front and say you've changed it because you need to talk to him properly and you can't get through to him otherwise (it does sound as though he may be becoming addicted to online stuff). You could even change the name of the Internet connection to "DP I need you to keep me company please" or some other message (though the neighbours will see it too!). Or you could just not tell him ...

Re dinner, can you not eat together even if not same food? Or sit and have a drink and snack with him while he eats?

OP, I was thinking about you earlier. The thing is, lots of people work ft and are capable of sustaining meaningful relationships and making their loved ones feel just that, loved.

If he thinks it's hard work working ft, then having to speak to you for 5 mins, he has one hell of a shock coming once the baby arrives.

I don't like the idea that he is setting the scene for how it will be - 'I work all day, so therefore you do 100% 24/7 childcare & housework.' I'd be setting some ground rules pronto about weekend night feeds, weekend lie ins, and naps for you as soon as he gets home from work.

I have SPD too and I'm 30 weeks pregnant so I empathise with the waiting around feeling and not being able to get out much,
Thing is my hubby knows this and realises I need him more than ever , something has caused your OH to disengage from you whether it be stress, or worrying about the new baby etc.
You need to talk properly and tell him you are slightly hurt he doesn't enjoy time with you,
Does he financially abuse you? Only asking as perhaps he has developed a shitty attitude towards you as a result of him considering himself the " breadwinner" and feels resentful perhaps?

I second what other posters have said, if you are such a chore can you imagine his opinions of a baby?

I would leave him the next time he says that, he won't be much of a father if that's his attitude.

So sorry you're going through this OP.

OP when I said hopeless, I didn't mean you were a hopeless person, just that you came across as feeling a bit hopeless about things, which maybe you do right now. I think some things will definitely change for the better when the baby arrives.

It's hard to comment about your DH. The only thing I would say is now that you have time, try and work out how you want your lives to be and what your reasonable expectations of him are. If you get the sense he's not on board with you and the baby, that's something you don't have to put up with. I'm not in favour of people staying with the same person for years trying to change them, I just don't think it works. This baby is his responsibility too so he should be stepping up all by himself really shouldn't he..

This man doesn't seem to understand how to have a relationship with another person, and quite possibly doesn't really like women or respect them at all - he seems to see you as a nagging mother - that thing about having a 'mental pot' sounds like something a teenager would do.

Don't bother writing him a letter - ask him to move out. I know you will say that you don't want to be coping alone with the baby, but you're basically alone now as it is. And then at least he wouldn't be around and ignoring you and making you unhappy.

If he really does want the relationship to work and to be a good parent, asking him to move out will focus his mind about your needs and wellbeing. And if he doesn't you are better off knowing that now.

OP, this sounds exactly like my husband, the jobs thing, moving, internet, walking me to work, sep food etc - it's all very very familiar. We are now getting divorced as he became abusive.

You are cooking a fully grown baby inside you - that is pretty important work, no? I felt so ashamed that my husband didn't want to spend time with me and would claim I was nagging him by trying to chat or do things together. He was also so excited about a baby, you know until it just turned out to be a lot of hard work.

Please tonight find out about your local breastfeeding support group, they are used to (and usually encourage) very pregnant women to come along and start meeting people. You need to build a support network for yourself as things may be tough in the future. SOrry if that sounds very doom and gloom but if it does get bad, splitting will feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

hope you're ok OP