How do I get him to stop using our circumstances as a weapon? and why doesn't he want to spend any time with me?

[bearwithbearwithbearwith]

Hi everyone, I am a couple of weeks away from having my first baby. My partner goes to work and I stay at home. I would say that on average every day he spends around 5 minutes WITH me. He gets home and says hello and we have a little chat about anything interesting that has happened that day and then that is it. I won't see him / spend time with him for the rest of the night. I also know that this weekend he won't spend any time with me.

If I bring up that he doesn't spend any time with me - or anything that upsets me actually - his response is that he goes to work all day. He uses this as almost a weapon. He does whatever he wants every single day and night and weekend - if I say but I want you to do this or I want us to do this or can you sit with me and talk? I GO TO WORK ALL DAY! If I go in one room he will go into another room. I go to bed very early and he doesn't come to bed till very very very late. So it's not like he doesn't get time for himself. If I ask him to do something with me on Sat or Sun he will say THIS IS MY ONLY DAY OFF A WEEK! (Which implies that I am another JOB he has to do).

If I start to 'nag' (this how I feel I am seen) he will say he goes to work and is stressed. For the record his job is not stressful - it is a really nice job - we both know this.

The bottom line is I feel I have to nag him to spend time with me - I feel SO lonely. I look forward to him coming home because I have spent the whole day alone watching TV - I then spend the evening watching TV and feel so bored and so lonely. I also can't handle this guilt that he keeps putting on me that he works and I do nothing. I am praying for the baby to come today so I will actually have some attention and something to do.

How can I stop him from making me feel so guilty about him working and WHY doesn't he want to spend any time with me? When we met he wanted, desperately, to spend 24 hours a day with me.

You can tell already. He will 'do things' all right but it'll be highly selective and limited. Not the grinding, 24/7 stuff like getting up in the night when the baby cries, giving you a break at weekends or sticking the washing machine on. Because he will still require his TWO DAYS OFF A WEEK and his evenings to himself and you will find that you, apparently, are at home all day doing nothing. You're already saying you'll do 90% of the child-care. Bet you think you should be doing 90% of the housework as well. That little list he's trotting out now of 'all the things I do for you'... expect it to get longer.

This is why you have to set the ground rules now. Tell him what you expect to happen now and when the baby arrives. Otherwise he'll carry on in his own sweet way and you'll be saddled with everything ... a lone parent in a two-person household.

What was he like before you got pregnant and you were working? Did he spend more time with you then.

How long have you been together.

How come you have no network of friends where you live.

bestsonever - I am in my 30s. I have worked my entire life. Am highly educated and have a fantastic career - better than his. I am home now purely because I am having a baby in a couple of weeks and will stay at home to care for my baby. If I could work I would. I miss my job and life every day. I HATE being home with nothing to do. But I don't know what to do at this point other than go to midwife apps, watch tv, clean the house and await the arrival of my baby.
We had known each other for years (8) and been together then apart over the years due to age and traveling and different timings - but had not been together properly 100% very long before i got pregnant - it wasn't planned but he was very very pleased and excited and I gave him the choice - but he wanted the baby.

Trifle - I was working and he was not working - opposite circumstances actually thinking about it. He was very supportive of me - would walk me to and from work, make me sandwiches and things! he was so sweet actually and was desperately trying to get a job. (He only didnt have one due to the climate). Yes he spent time with me and it was lovely. We found out I was pregnant and he spent every moment trying to secure a good permanent job and he has - and now it's like he feels he has done what he promised and deserves a medal and cant be asked to do anything again.
Been together properly for only 11 months - but known him for 8 years and been together many times through the years.
No network of friends because we moved to new town when we got together.

Cogito - I agree, I need to really set these ground rules and give him a wake up call now and if he cant take it i will do it on my own.

It sounds crap. He has basically disengaged completely from you. If you weren't imminently expecting a baby I would be saying to LTB.

Did you work before? How long have you both been together?

I don't know if he will ever change (I suspect not, he sounds like a self entitled dick), but what I would suggest to you is that you sound very lonely. I get the SPD, I've had it and it is really painful, but I think you need to get out there as soon as you can after the baby is born, setting up your own support network, doing things with the baby, meeting new friends.

Hope all goes well with the baby.

I feel so desperately sad for you a this should be THE MOST special time for the two of you as a couple. Obviously his behaviour is bad, bad, bad - I was going to say inexcusable, but am trying to see things from his side; perhaps he's feeling panicky about the impending arrival and what it's going to do to him as a person and as a man. Men do have wobbles too about becoming parents and perhaps he's feeling the need to retreat to his man-cave. Not good timing though, is it?

Remember, you may not have been to work today but you've spent all day, in fact the last 8 months, nurturing his growing baby. So no feelings of your own inadequacy please.

Before I had my own children, my mum shared her experience of my arrival with me - my dad, who had had a pretty dysfunctional childhood of his own and a non-relationship with his own father, was worried about money / providing for his family and was underwhelmed and grumpy when I arrived which obviously upset my mum a lot. She says he didn't really fall for me until about 18 months later when I started to talk - I rather get the impression that she spent the first few months of my life questioning her future with him. BUT, he dealt with his demons, and 40 years on they are still together, happier than ever and I honestly have no memory of all this, only of a wonderful childhood and the best and most loving & supportive daddy you could ever imagine. So please, please don't be planning your exit just yet - it sounds as if you have had a good and mutually respectful relationship in the past and this could just be a temporary wobble and he might well come out the other side.

One other thing that my mum told me was that when she arrived home from the hospital with me, her mum was literally waiting on the doorstep for us, and my dad said "oh, you won't be needing me then" and went straight off to work that day - of course she was devastated. So although you might end up needing your mum, don't give him a reason to feel pushed out before he's had a chance to get to know your baby. Men are sometimes embarrassed about looking stupid, not knowing how to change nappies etc in front of their mothers-in-law, so perhaps a few days learning together before she arrives might work better (because of her experience, my mum was very hands-off when I had my babies, not wanting to intrude on us building our new family together).

Before any of the other posters start attacking me for making excuses for him, I'm not - I am just relaying my own family's experience. It just it seems a tragedy to break this family before before it's even had a chance to get started.

I wish you good luck, stay strong xx

Sorry, X post.

Just read what a short time you've been together and no wonder he's behaving erratically. It's a huge change for you both in the space of a year. Give him a chance: he may not take it, but at least you'll not always be wondering....

If you're lonely now you'll be more lonely afterwards.

I can see how you have been misled by him once being all over you and now is the opposite, not something you could have foreseen.

Why dont you eat together? Why do you eat separate things. Do you cook only for yourselves?

He is training you now to not expect any help with that women's work

Do you plan to go back to work at all...I wouldn't advise you to give up your career and earning potential for a man like this

You don't seem to know him very well at all

would walk me to and from work, make me sandwiches and things

Certain aspects of that sound quite controlling.

You say you've moved away from family/friends. Why and when was that?

I know you're not working at the moment but is it maternity leave or have you left full-time employment?

Doodle - thanks so much. Does feel a bit better to hear dont leave than just leave - which is terrifying. Your dad sounds identical to my dad.
I know deep down he is a good man (my partner). He does do things for me that really when i tell other people they say my goodness how lovely or how kind. BUT his constant use of 'I work all day' and not spending any time with me is driving me mad. I feel completely alone and unconnected from him.
I think Cogito is right in that he is behaving like a single man at the moment and like i am not here at all. Maybe I wouldnt notice so much if i was working and busy - but when you spend all day alone you look forward to him coming home so much - and then you get nothing and go to bed - it's soul destroying.

Lovely post DoodleNoo

Trifle - I ask him what he would like for dinner but says he will decide once home then ends up doing his own. I have had lots of issues with what i can and cant eat due to sickness in pregnancy and so we just end up wanting different dinners.
Anyfucker - no I will never give up my career - but I can't work with a new baby.
Numberlock - It was helpful rather than controlling. I had terrible morning sickness so he would make me things to help - and I thought he felt bad that i was working and he wasnt so was trying to do his bit. Long story abt why we moved - a new start and for work in a nutshell. I was a contract worker - finished a contract so will receive Maternity Allowance as always work for different companies so don't qual for maternity leave.

I'm amazed how many people are brazenly telling you that he's a shit and you should leave. Would they, if they were actually in your position? Maybe you should, and maybe you will in the end - but you need to give him a few of months at least in my opinion. It might be a really tough and miserable time for you, but it might not - and in any case, you'll get through it....

(I sometimes post stuff on here looking for support and end up feeling that I have had myself emotionally strip-searched by other posters trying to be helpful! I now try to have a no personal posts rule - and when responding to others I think of Thumper's mum in the film Bambi: if you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all )

Well your current strategy isn't working so, given that you're not ready to leave at the current time, I'd try a different track and totally disengage from him. Stop asking him what's wrong, what he wants for dinner, will he spend some time with you. Ignore him and do your own thing. Invite a friend round for the evening, go and visit your mum, go to the cinema.

He will either wonder what's going on or not notice any difference...

This isn't going to get any better. This is a man who's excited by the idea of a baby (Look, everyone! My dick works! Look at me, I'm the MAN!') but in his head, all the domestic work is women's work.

Thanks DoodleNoo - I got what I wanted - I got it out on here and vented. I am going to write him a letter about it as already this morning he has sent me a message apologising for how he has been - ironically. I have always been of the mind set that if you are not happy LEAVE - and I have always done this. But now we have a baby on the way and I understand myself well enough that I can make bad situations much much worse and react too quickly.

Numberlock - I sort of get what you are saying in that i am probably being far too needy and it would do me good. It just hurts to ignore him when I love him so much and am so excited to see him at the end of the day (pathetic as it sounds). ps. I literally don't have a friend here yet i could invite round and mum miles away. I do wonder how he would react if i just went out - but where would I go...

OP you also need to start building a life for yourself. Nobody's partner should be everything to them, it's too much of a reponsibility for them and not good for you. I know you're pregnant but you come across a bit helpless and hopeless to be honest. What have you done about getting out into the community and seeing what's out there for you?

Did you just leave your job fully when you got pregnant? Why didn't you stay in the job and just go on maternity leave?

I'm not saying there's no fault on your DP's side, it's just I feel a lot of neediness, passivity and dependence from you in your posts.

You absolutely must build yourself a social network of your own. One thing might be to see if there are meets of Mumsnetters near you (or other parenting websites). Book groups, bitch n stitch, anything like that. You may be feeling pretty ropey but you need company too. You must break your isolation.

If he's a normal guy, it's suffocating to be the sole source of interaction to your partner. If he's abusive, this is how he wants you. Either way it's hugely unhealthy.

I also think you should plan on returning to work as soon as is viable, as obviously this man will be rubbish to you as a sahm.

This is not right and not fair on you.

My DH works and I am SAHM. Yes he works full time and is tired (he works outside in a very physical job), but when he gets in he plays with the kids, helps me bath them and put them to bed. Then we eat together, watch something together, have conversations, bath together etc. He likes computer games, but since we swapped roles (he was SAHD for dd1) he has reduced his gaming time so that we spend more time together.

What does he think it is going to be like when the baby arrives? Does he intend to carry on as he is now? Does he think that now he has got you pregnant that is it, he doesn't have to bother anymore as you won't leave him if he doesn't put into your relationship?

Numberlock, making sandwiches and walking to work aren't necessarily controlling, it could be caring. My DH used to make my sandwiches when I was working before and after we had kids and would often walk me to the bus stop in the morning or meet me off the bus, it was nice to have that little extra time together.

The point is op if that is how he used to be then why the sudden change? If need be get angry, cry, get him to take notice. Calmly discussing doesn't seem to be working.

At a minimum I would use the time pre baby to research groups you can go to post birth - stuff at your local children's centre, breastfeeding groups etc. I knew no one with a baby locally when I had mine due to moving areas so had to make a concerted effort to get out and meet others. By the end of my ML I had made some good close friends without whom I would have been very lonely at home with a baby.

I'm just going to play a bit of devil's advocate here, not to offend or to "blame" anyone, just to try and put another perspective out there.

If I read it right in your OP, you've known each other a long time but haven't actually been in a full committed relationship for long. The pregnancy wasn't planned but wasn't then unwanted by either of you. You were in a successful career and he was unemployed. He worked really hard to secure employment to help support the baby.

The whole thing of relationship, pregnancy, employment and role reversal of you at home and him at work has been 9 months. It looks pretty overwhelming on paper (for everyone involved) and maybe he just isn't coping well with all the responsibility he feels he's got. His coping mechanism could be to withdraw.

He could also be really scared about the impending birth. Fear of the unknown and fear of fatherhood.

Yes he could just be being a bit of an arse, but I wanted to try and look at the whole situation from something closer to his (possible) perspective.

If you're of a mind to make new friends, you have possibly the best opportunity to do so since you started high school / university - right now, or at least as soon as you can get out again. Research the local NCT, bumps & babes groups, baby massage, new mums groups etc etc and soon you'll know hosts of people in your new town, all with a common point of interest. You just have to be prepared to get yourself out there and be a bit pushy about inviting people out / over (that will of course give your partner something else to resent, that you're sitting around drinking coffee all day while he's at work ) That will give you the support network you need.

Your partner is probably a bit depressed - he may hate his job, feel overworked with no way out - and like you, wondering how all this happened in such a short space of time. Getting cross with his inadequacies will not help, It'll just make him feel worse. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy who would talks to counselling though! He may need to work through this on his own.

You are an intelligent lady and can clearly see that big decisions made now, under a haze of hormones are not going to be your best ones!

Hang in there.... And keep your fingers crossed xx