Can I just not attend my sister's wedding?

[NotQuiteCockney]

On the phone yesterday, my sister told me she's getting married, at the end of September. She's been with her DP for 5+ years, her DD1 is 4.5, she's pregnant again. I'm not fond of her DP, but I think their relationship is ok, I don't think he's fooling around on her or anything.

Clearly she wants me (all of us, I guess) to come to the wedding. I can't face the travel - she's in Toronto, we're in the UK.

We went to Mexico in February (funeral), just got back from France yesterday. This summer's plans were to go to Canada for two or three weeks, then I have some 18-year-olds coming over. I can't face doing that trip, then going to Canada again. I'd be perfectly happy to go a year or so without leaving my house, at least that's how it feels today.

If her wedding was anywhere from mid-July to end of August, I could work with it a lot easier. (DS1 will be in reception at a new school from the start of September. I'm sure they'd be ok about him going, but still ...)

I don't need to make a decision today. Or even this week. I guess I'd like to pressure my sister to change the date, but realistically, that's not fair, and anyway, I think it's set.

Are there options here that I'm not seeing?

The only thing I can add is she is your sister and once you've missed her wedding that's it - you've missed it! I can see why it would be a real pain though. How close are you to her, can you talk to her about your reasons for not being able to go? The school reason is huge, surely as a mother herself she will understand?

Could you go on your own, but for a short visit.
The trip may not seem so bad without kids in tow and DS wouldn't be unsettled at school.
Would be cheaper too.

Normally I would say you should go - but that distance is really too far to assume that someone would be able to come. Will you be seeing her when you go to Canada in the summer?

The school reason is a pretty biggie, and would be a very valid excuse if you wanted to use it - you could just lie, and say the school have an absolute policy of not allowing it and tell her a few horror stories about parents being prosecuted. To say nothing of the effect it could have upon your DS of settling in.

But it's a big thing to miss your sister's wedding - are you sure you want to? Personally, unless I'd already booked the Canada trip in summer, I would cancel that and take the trip in September instead. But I would check with the school that they're happy with that. Chances are they will be, as your DS will have started by then and as he will probably be 4, not legally bound to go anyway. I'd possibly be tempted to start him in the January intake if they do one, so that he's not too disrupted.

He'll be five, as of the end of September. It's an independent, fee-paying school, that we struggled quite hard to get him into. I'm not worried about his settling-in period, as frankly, you can drop him down a mineshaft, as long as there are loads of other kids there, he'll be fine.

Yeah, it would suck to miss her wedding. I went to her earlier wedding, to a previous DP, but it wasn't a legal wedding, just a ceremony, iyswim. (I did try the "I went last time" excuse to DH, but he's not buying it.)

I am tempted to miss the summer trip and just go at the end of September, but if I'm going across the ocean, I want to go for more than a week. It's not worth it otherwise, with the jetlag.

I could consider going on my own, but I've never been away from either DS for over 24 hours (sad, I know). DS2 will be only just 2 then. (No judgement on people who are happy to take weekends etc off! I could cope with a weekend off sometime!)

I will see her in the summer. The thing is, the summer trip is pretty important, Dad wants me to come up north and sort out my Mom's stuff (she died in Feb).

I'm really really torn, frankly. My sister seemed genuinely surprised that I might not make it. She did make it to my wedding, but I discussed dates way in advance, and organised it with her involvement etc. I just came back from France, to be told, hey, it's in 6 months.

I really honestly don't like her DP much. I like him better than any of her previous DPs, though.

i agree with wembley.
she's your sister, and once you ve missed her wedding, that's it, its done.
let her know how difficult it will fbe for you to come at that particular time, and can she possibly rearrange the date? if not, still go, with or without dh and kids, but go
and as for the argument about it being too far away, sorry, i dont think its valid. toronto is only a plane ride away, not a plane, then train, then dodgy car, then donkey ride into deepest darkest jungle. iyswim.
its your sister.

your feelings towards her dp are neither here not there. SHE loves him and wants to spend the rest of her life with him.

Can you double up the trip with your Dad's request to go and sort your Mum's stuff out? If you explain to him that you can't go to Canada twice in one year, would he understand?

My dad would understand, and the time of year of my sister's wedding is probably still ok for a trip up north. My Canada trip needs to be at least two weeks, to visit both cities, etc etc. But I'm really not on for taking DS1 out of school for two weeks in his first month of a new school. I'd much rather take holidays in holiday time, it just seems right.

And yes, Toronto is just a plane trip, but either with two horrible jetlagged kids, or leaving them behind (and how would DH manage then? He works long hours, I'm normally the one doing all the at-home stuff), it's not really a very pleasant or easy idea.

DH is of the "I must go" school. I'm not so sure. Maybe I'll give my sister a call and talk to her about the options. Frankly, I'm a bit annoyed she didn't discuss dates with me at all, and just expects me to go anyway. She knew when we were planning to be in Canada, she knows we have a niece and a nephew visiting this summer as well.

does your dh think you all should go? I don't think I'd take my child out of school for that reason - I think she would understand why you didn't want to go because of the school thing

I certainly woudln't ,make hte journey twice. The school issue is very valid , ours would be less than thrilled at such an absence, even in Reception, although they do make occasional, if begrudging, exceptions. The first half term is a settling in period for all concerned and they will structure the timetable carefully to build up independence and friendships.

I think our school would be ok about it. But I'm not really. DH thinks we should go, but is a bit unclear about plans and details - he was talking about a weekend in Toronto for the weekend, and then the two of us off to NYC for a week afterwards. (He can work in NYC.)

We're also in the middle of a bit of an austerity drive, as our building works have thrown up lots of problems, so it would be wise of us to be careful about money for a year or two, just to get the mortgages back down to a manageable level. We could afford to do two trips, but it wouldn't be sensible.

I guess I have to call my sister and explain, I guess. I will probably talk about the school thing most.

I think weddings where people have been together for years and already had children are in no way the same as those for couples just starting out.
Sod it,stay home.
Why do people do this ridiculous wedding stuff after having kids anyway???

I kinda feel that way, too, moondog. I'll have to talk to DH, and my sister, and see what we do. My sister did come to my wedding, was my best woman in fact, but she had a year's notice for that, and dates were chosen to be helpful (just before international flight prices went up for the summer etc etc). We had been living together for a few years, but had no kids.

It's tricky, with my mom's death and all.

Thinking about it, my sister probably assumed we'd come because we said we'd go to my (now postponed) neice's wedding this summer. But the date for that was chosen with consultation with us, so we could make it, just fitting it in with our normal trip. And we haven't been to that bit of Canada for years and years.

I am too too too tired. We just few in from France yesterday. I hate travel, and there has been far too much of it this year already. My house is a scary tip.

If you really don't want to go, use the school excuse. It really is a good one. I wouldn't want to take my child out of reception in their first term, and I'm not one of these types who thinks if you miss one day of school that's it, you've ruined your academic career forever.

And if you go by yourself, that's a really bad time to be away from your DS who needs you there to support him to settle in reception.

Would it cause a rift with your sister? Is she likely to take serious offence?

I don't think it would cause a rift. I worry my missing the wedding might make her realise I don't like her DP. (I haven't mentioned the fact I don't like him much, because a) I always hate her boyfriends and b) what would she do? oh, and c) I haven't got any significant complaints, he's a good dad to their daughter, he's stuck around after she got pg accidentally, quite early in their relationship, etc etc)

I'll have to have a chat, we haven't spoken much since Mexico. She really gets on my nerves these days, but I'm going to have to cope.

Hi I think you´re tired at the mo and not in a position to think through this properly.

All I can add to some of the good suggestions made here is that my sister didn´t come to my wedding and it hasn´t caused any kind of rift as such between us so much as opened a big question mark over our whole relationship. You have both just lost your Mother and I suspect her marriage at this time is related to this. Your presence is probably very important to your sister and especially given the distance involved I would make this effort now to spend time with her. If you don´t go you´re going to have to do a hell of a lot to make it up to her.

Right, to me it sounds as though you and your sister have grown apart over the last few years - different lifestyle choices, living an ocean apart etc. But she is still your sister. However I would be quite annoyed if I were you because she has been rather inconsiderate not to even discuss dates with you, but then the onus is now on you to put yourself to great inconvenience/expense for her. Discuss the dates and try a bit of emotional blackmail.

I think you shouldn't feel bumped into making a decision immediately.

FWIW, though, I think you should also not feel you have to do stuff just to be nice to other people, at the moment. You've had a hideous time with your mother dying. You need a break, not expensive zipping across to Canada at someone else's behest.

But then I'm not very good either at weddings or at Family Bonds. I do as it happens love my own sister dearly, but if we lived on different continents I wouldn't expect her to make it across automatically at six months' notice.

We're generally not a very formal family. I did very much want my sister at my wedding, but I took steps to make that possible (including arranging, and paying for, her accommodation, while she was here).

I don't need to make a decision today. I think I will try to call my sister this week to discuss it all, but it sounds like the whole thing is pretty set, she was discussing catering arrangements, she has rented a hall, etc etc.

I am indeed mind-bogglingly tired. I don't really like travel that much, really, but the addition of two small kids and my grieving hasn't really helped. (I think our recent trip to Paris and the South of France, necessitated by the building works, would probably have been a pretty enjoyable thing, had I not been depressed/mourning.)

It probably doesn't help that I feel like I'm doing all the work in maintaining any sort of relationship between my sister and I of late. I appear in Toronto with piles of gifts for her kid. She has nothing for mine. (We tend not to post Xmas/birthday/whatever gifts.) She doesn't help arrange my visit, or help me find anywhere to stay or anything of the sort.

She is, however, much more involved in helping out my parents, now my dad.

Realistically, if I come in the summer, I will still be annoyed with her by the end of September, making a second trip emotionally fraught and annoying in far too many ways.

I'll have to discuss this with DH again. He seems determined I should go. I think he'd be ok about dumping the DSes on his parents, which I might be ok about, but not for a week or more, the first time! (My in-laws are reasonably good with verbal children, but DS2 isn't really talking yet.)

Amazingly, I've been having a similar problem with my sister's wedding in Australia this summer. My two will be just 3 and just 5 and I'm dreading the trip. I was saving going there until they were older and now I feel bumped into going.

I think it's very very hard - she is much more bothered about whether I go than I was about her coming to mine.

We've already had a few rows on the phone about arrangements - I can't see an easy way out. Yours is even harder. Is there any way she could change the date? It does seem incredibly inconsiderate, especially since you are already going over in the summer. Travelling with small children is hell and I don't think taking your DS out of school for more than a few days is very practical.

It's very annoying feeling pressured into these things, isn't it. At least Canada is reasonably close! Australia would kill me, I think. (Are you from there? Or did your sister emigrate?)

I'll have to talk to her, but I think I'll talk to DH a bit more about it, and think about options. I can be reasonably flexible about dates, I think, anywhere in the school holidays would be fine. I think I would like to go, if it was at a reasonable time.

Did she know you were planning to go during the summer? it does seem a bit exasperating of her not to have arranged it for that time.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure she knew. I told her I'd see her then, I discussed with her (vaguely) when we were coming.

I'm assuming there were other considerations that helped decide the date.