Can I just not attend my sister's wedding?

[NotQuiteCockney]

On the phone yesterday, my sister told me she's getting married, at the end of September. She's been with her DP for 5+ years, her DD1 is 4.5, she's pregnant again. I'm not fond of her DP, but I think their relationship is ok, I don't think he's fooling around on her or anything.

Clearly she wants me (all of us, I guess) to come to the wedding. I can't face the travel - she's in Toronto, we're in the UK.

We went to Mexico in February (funeral), just got back from France yesterday. This summer's plans were to go to Canada for two or three weeks, then I have some 18-year-olds coming over. I can't face doing that trip, then going to Canada again. I'd be perfectly happy to go a year or so without leaving my house, at least that's how it feels today.

If her wedding was anywhere from mid-July to end of August, I could work with it a lot easier. (DS1 will be in reception at a new school from the start of September. I'm sure they'd be ok about him going, but still ...)

I don't need to make a decision today. Or even this week. I guess I'd like to pressure my sister to change the date, but realistically, that's not fair, and anyway, I think it's set.

Are there options here that I'm not seeing?

My sister moved to Australia so I do feel it's her choice, but the whole family is making the effort to go. My DH also thinks I should go!

I happen to know your DSs school has a two weeks at half-term. Could she have the wedding then?

Oh, that might be possible. (You do mean DS1's new school, not his old one?) I've got to get the term dates ...

His new school - we had a chat on another thread about schools in London a few weeks ago.

Ah, cool. Should have known. His new school is much better-known than his current one, anyway.

Helpfully, their website is down, though, so I'll have to call and ask for term dates, I guess.

both my bros got married in Australia whilst I was living in the UK and I did not get to either of them. Both times I was working and would not have been able to have the time off from school. Also I had just arrivedin England in the August when other bro got married in the November.... couldn't afford to go.

My SIL missed my wedding to dh even though we went to Aus - travel arrangements and she was quite ill with morning sickness.

Second bro got married in Nov also but we were coming out to Aus in June to live and again couldn't get time off work and could not afford a flight then considering we had been to Aus earlier in the year....

No rifts - no problems. They understood.

I have made it very clear to my brother when we are visiting the UK and told him if he is even vaguely considering marriage that he should do it then. I just don't want to be in a position where they announce they are getting married 10 minutes after we arrive and then expect us to make the whole journey again a few months later.

My brother got married in NZ a few years ago and we didn't go. I had considered going when he first got engaged but the wedding was brought forward at short notice and it wasn't feasible to go, for various reasons. He didn't really expect (or maybe want!) any family to go but my parents and sister went. There was no problem with us not going. But it probably depends on how close you and your sister are.... I get on well with my brother but we haven't lived in the same country since he was 12 so are not very close.

Oh, I'm relieved to see other people have been in this situation.

DH got very very annoyed at me yesterday when I said (again) that I might not go. He said it would be the end of my relationship with my sister etc etc.

Then I worked out, he was assuming my family worked like his. (Although, to be fair, with his family, you get lots and lots of notice of things like weddings, obviously.) He calmed down and apologised, and is now being more relaxed about this, although he still thinks I should go. At least he's no longer saying I must go.

I'll have to call the school and find out about the two-week half-term, that could well work for us. Although, on more thought, my sister is saying she'll be 8 months pregnant at the wedding, at the end of September. I suspect she'll get an elective c-section this time (long labour last time, failure to progress etc etc), so maybe half-term won't work. But at least if I can make other suggestions and offers to my sister, I'll feel like I'm making an effort to be flexible.

My sister and I grew up together, and lived in the same house until I was 18 (she was 14). Since then, we've never lived in the same city, but we do get on reasonably well. However, the addition of children (her DD and my DS1 are only 6 weeks or so apart in age) hasn't improved things, as we have very different approaches to parenting, and are in very different circumstances (financially).

I personally wouldn't fancy getting married at 8 months pregnant! (from the pov of looking like a whale in my wedding photos for posterity and the risk of the baby coming early). Why can't she have it during the summer holidays when you will be around anyway and she will probably be at the "blooming" stage?

You may not have a particularly good relationship with your sister and you may not get on very well but this may be all the more reason to make the effort this time, even if she has been inconsiderate re the dates.

My own wedding, to which my sister didn´t come, took place one month after our brother died, and it just seemed like an important phase to be together and also to celebrate a new beginning. Is it a coincidence that after so long unmarried, your sis is organising a fairly big wedding soon after your mother´s death? I suspect not.

I'm sure it's related to mom's death, and also to the new baby coming. I'm just quite peeved that my sister didn't bother to mention dates to me, or discuss it with me (by email, or by calling my mobile, or anything). I was out of touch for 3 weeks, although she could have called or emailed anyway. In those three weeks, a wedding went from a theory (they'd talked about marrying before), to a set date.

I would like to be there. But it's incredibly inconvenient, and I'm afraid that matters. Right now, if someone tried to get me to go on an airplane, I would probably just sit down on the floor and cry, frankly. (A niece and a nephew are starting uni at the start of September, a province away, and presumably would find a summer wedding easier. Actually, if she had a summer wedding, I could probably cover the flights for the niece and nephew, as they'll be coming to me anyway.)

I'll call her tonight with dates, to talk. Oh pants, just tried to call DS1's new school to get dates, and went to answerphone, whose memory was full. Guess I'll be asking the nanny I know who collects from there.

Oh, and my sister is quite big (I do wish she'd lost some weight before getting pregnant again, but that is so none of my business), so doesn't really look that much bigger at 8 months pregnant. But yeah, I feel quite unweildy at 8 months (and am not exactly willowy to begin with) so wouldn't enjoy marrying in that state.

NQC, I've come back to this thread. As you know, my partner too lost his mother recently, so that may be why your situation is preying on my mind.

I do, really strongly, feel that if you're not up to it you're not up to it. She's set a lot of the goalposts by deciding on her wedding so quickly. I do also realise that not being a marrying type myself I may be missing something here, but frankly I think you've gone through enough recently.

Yeah, a fleeting trip may be possible. I guess. I've just never been away from my kids.

Thanks for the sympathy/empathy, MI. I think my sister was honestly surprised by the idea I might not make it ... I'll have to talk to her, I just need to steel myself up for it.

We're not very much of a marrying family, either. Certainly my folks only put minimal pressure on my sister to marry, despite having a kid etc. Any pressure my sister puts on me to come to the wedding will be subtle, as well. At least.

DH is still pretty sure I have to go. I think he's having a hard time understanding that my family is not his family. (It took some hard talk from me to make clear to him that I do not have to go. I might go. I might not. But I do not have to go.) I am not going to make a decision about this any time soon, although I will try to talk to my sister soon and discuss options etc.

Hmm, had a chat with my sister and my dad today. My dad is very understanding, and my sister reasonably so. She realises it's short notice, she realises DS1 is starting school, and she understands about not wanting to leave him.

So I probably won't go. I'll do my normal trip in August. Although I could go for the two-week half-term in October, which would probably be cheaper, and maybe easier for accommodation etc. And I'd get to meet my new niece or nephew ... might mention that option to my sister next time we talk.

Now I just have to get DH to understand about me not going!

Ah, now a trip to see the new neice/nephew would mend a lot of fences I think. What a lovely idea!