Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can a "good guy" ever cheat on his wife?

298 replies

confusionoftheillusion · 22/01/2013 15:15

I met a guy last summer and became friends. Had a drunken kiss in November. Since then have been meeting once/twice a week.

Both married and recently have started to talk in detail about the problems we both have at home. He is talking about wanting to be with me, as in leave his wife and be with me together as a couple. I think he is wonderful in so many ways but also think that if he is that comfortable cheating on his wife he must be a bit of a dick. We haven't slept together but that is due to me being pretty upfront about the fact I wouldn't do that. I am also aware that me cheating on my husband makes me a not great person either.

As always the situations either side are not quite as straightforward as we would like.

I feel an awful lot for this man. However I am so conscious that we are having an affair so it's not the real world. How would I ever know if it would work in the real world? And is there ever a time when a 'decent' man has an affair? I feel that he is a "good guy" but then logically I think that he can't be as he is lying to his wife.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 04/05/2013 11:43

Oh don't come out with that passive-aggressive bollocks. Take some responsibility, woman!!

CajaDeLaMemoria · 04/05/2013 11:44

You probably aren't evil. You are behaving horrifically. You are ignoring the truth because it doesn't suit you, and then wondering why the situation doesn't improve.

Does no part of you wish you'd never started this?

Or feel that you owe it to your partners to be honest, and stop them wondering what they did wrong?

Original poster
confusionoftheillusion · 04/05/2013 11:44

I do know what I am doing is awful, horrible and wrong.
Believe me I have been to emotional shitsville and back over this too.
I understand why everyone is saying what they're saying.

OP posts:
Thisisaeuphemism · 04/05/2013 11:45

Its not that you are an evil person(!), but you are both behaving badly and hurting people.

There is a better way to behave but you are choosing not to take those options. I don't know why - cowardice I suppose.

You could:
Tell your husband its over. Tell him why. Make a happy home for you and the kids.
Tell the OM you'll see him in 6 months time when he's single.

Instead, you are lying and cheating and complaining that other people aren't very nice either.

Xales · 04/05/2013 11:45

Right so a man capable of lying to his wife for months on end (not telling her the real reason why he is dumping her probably with the majority of the child care etc while he hands over a pittance) and fucks off to shack up with another women and her kids who is just as deceptive is going to be completely and utterly honest and not lie in the slightest to that other woman Hmm

He is a proven liar. How dare you think you have any moral high ground over his wife based on his account.

joblot · 04/05/2013 11:46

Gullible and selfish are words that spring to mind. Finish one before you start another- do as you would be done by

Original poster
confusionoftheillusion · 04/05/2013 11:48

To be honest ALL of me wishes I hadnt started this and I will always have to live with it on my conscience. I can't help how I feel for OMbut should have waited till we were both single.
I know what I have done to another family is terrible - although I believe theyd have split anyway... No excuse I know.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 04/05/2013 11:52

Look this is really simple.

You've both behaved atrociously. But you can't change that.

All you can do now is take responsibility for it and tell the truth.

Don't leave your spouses wondering why their marriages are over, or all the children bewildered about why this has happened.

Be honest with your spouses and get the fuck out, so that they can start to heal.

Above all, don't let any of these innocent people take the rap for your duplicity.

Will you both do that or will you both continue to lie and only move out when it suits you?

AuntieStella · 04/05/2013 11:52

"wish we'd waited until we were both single"

Well, you can't change the past. But your choices make your future. As you want to be single, better get on with it. Have you initiated your divorce?

Thisisaeuphemism · 04/05/2013 11:52

Then split. It really won't be the end of the world. Split with your DH and steer clear of the OM until he does the same. Being single is not terrible.

And avoid making digs about the way the OM's wife is handling this, because it might be you one day.

LookingForwardToMarch · 04/05/2013 11:56

I can't help but laugh when people like you hold their hands up and whimper 'I couldn't help it'

No your husband can't help the fact he has a lying cheat of a wife. OM's wife can't help that she has a miserable excuse of a husband. And all the poor children involved can't help that they have selfish dishonest slags that put their own satifaction above everything else and be damned who it hurts.

So why don't you help them? Come clean about what trash you are so that they can all get on with their lives.

And you and OM can cheat on and lie to each other for all eternity.

Have fun with that karma.

Original poster
confusionoftheillusion · 04/05/2013 11:57

No I haven't initiated a divorce. I'm still in a place of wondering if Me and h can make it work.

I don't know what OM is doing with his w. I think we both need to figure it out separately.

OP posts:
2anddone · 04/05/2013 12:00

I haven't read the whole thread only the first two and last page. You should be ashamed of yourselves. You are both bad people I don't give a shit about one dc incident you are ow he has a WIFE at home and children you disgust me as does your pathetic excuse for a man you are having an affair with. For god sake leave your husband and get om to leave his wife so you can be together hopefully living in misery. People like you and him make me sick and if it weren't for people like you to my 2 dc might not be up every night because my h did exactly what you two are doing now

2anddone · 04/05/2013 12:01

*dv not dc

Original poster
confusionoftheillusion · 04/05/2013 12:03

lookingforward - I don't remember saying I couldn't help it. I am very aware of the choices I made.

I hear what you're saying and a yr ago would have had the same view about people who cheat. I wont judge anyone as harshly in the future

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 04/05/2013 12:03

So will you tell the truth to your husband that you've been having an affair?

Or are you going to hedge your bets while the OM destroys his life for you?

Original poster
confusionoftheillusion · 04/05/2013 12:04

Recognise the stupidity of my judging comment as clearly I have judged the wife for saying hurtful things to her kids. I need to take a look at myself closely don't I

OP posts:
Original poster
confusionoftheillusion · 04/05/2013 12:05

OM isn't destroying his life for me. Of that I am certain.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 04/05/2013 12:07

You have no certainty at all. You've never lived in the OM's marriage.

Will you tell your husband the truth?

Original poster
confusionoftheillusion · 04/05/2013 12:08

Not sure leavenheath...

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 04/05/2013 12:11

Well I hope he finds out then. The OM's wife will have been doing some digging and she might contact your husband.

LookingForwardToMarch · 04/05/2013 12:15

A couple of posts up

I cant help how I feel about OM

And you should be judged, harshly.

AuntieStella · 04/05/2013 12:16

"Ihear what you're saying and a yr ago would have had the same view about people who cheat. I wont judge anyone as harshly in the future"

So 'affairs are wrong except when I want one'?

But tying yourself up in knots about guilty feelings isn't going to help you now. Using the guilt productively is.

If you want to be single, as you said in one post, start a divorce. Yearning to be single in the abstract doesn't help anything. Either do it or don't.

And a nod to the practicalities. If the betrayed wife finds out who you are, will she tell your H? For if this could happen, then you need to think about whether that is the way you want him to find out. This is, again, a choice for you.

LookingForwardToMarch · 04/05/2013 12:19

You shouldn't have a choice whether you want to be single or not.

If you had even a shred of decency ( which I doubt btw) then you will tell you husband what kind of selfish narcissistic loose woman he has been sharing his life with.

Then it should be his choice whether he wants to ontinue putting up with you or not.

itwillgetbettersoon · 04/05/2013 12:22

When my STBXH told me he was leaving me and the children I really can't recall what I said but it certainly wasn't 'ok fine have a nice life"! I said some terrible things to him to make him understand exactly what he was doing. In hindsight I was wasting my breath but I'm sure my children heard some awful things. But I was in terrible shock and fighting for my marriage. Don't believe a word your OM is saying as it will all be taken out of context. Lets be honest he is the biggest liar ever! I don't get why you are worrying about his children now! Too late for that. You and the OM have / are /done / doing some awful things. How you can even look at your husband or children. Selfish, cowards etc etc.