So, my husband and best friend has decided he no longer loves me...

[Beckett3]

and I'm lost.

We've been together almost 16 years, he's the only man I've ever loved and I love him so much.

We have 3 children and I'm 3 months pregnant with a baby he wanted. The stress this poor baby has been through recently what with my dad having a heart attack just 3 weeks ago too.

I keep trying to hate him, I realise he's given up without trying as his falling out of love with me coincides with him joining a dating site and meeting someone else on it.

My eldest (14) knows and it's destroyed her, I am absolutely dreading us telling my other 2, especially my 10 year old son as he's so sensitive.

I can't help but think of all the little things that I'll never share with him again because he really was my best friend.

Please if anyone recognises me from any of this, could you keep the pregnancy bit quiet, I have had an early scan due to a history of miscarriages but my next one isn't until I guess tomorrow now and I've only told 2 other people apart from H.

Beckett, that's what MN is for. There's always someone here to talk to or a funny thread to get immersed in. It's been a real life saver for me.

I lost 2 stone within 3 months of my ex H leaving me for his OW. For me it was a silver lining, as I was very overweight. I lost another 2 stone over the next year and I'm now a healthy weight for the first time in years. But I wasn't pregnant. You need to eat as healthily as you can for baby's sake, I guess. A couple of weeks of feeling too sick to eat won't do much harm, though. Are you a healthy weight at the moment? Or overweight? Just maintaining your weight and eating healthy foods will be good enough for now. Easier said than done, I guess...

You need those times when there's nobody to be strong for, to do your grieving. Let it all out and don't bottle it up.

Have you managed any food today? Small portions of whatever you fancy are what I'd suggest.

.

Beckett, tell your dd that she can block him on FB too, if she wants. She might feel that she has to be friends with him but the poor pet shouldn't have to read their fawning crap!

Be kind to yourself today. Curl up on the sofa and don't even think about anything else.

CremeEgg is right. You need this time to fall apart and do your grieving so that you can be together for the children when they're there.

You are doing brilliantly.

MN has been brilliant, a wonderful distraction whenever I have needed it and brilliant advice when I've neede that too.

I did break down when I walked in the door this morning and I do keep shedding the odd tear, but I can't be sure any of it is for me. I think it's more about what they've lost.

Just had a look and I've lost 5lbs, I have got quite a bit to spare but I am trying so hard to eat, but even the thought makes me start heaving again.

You are an amazing, strong lady. Your children are so lucky to have you. XXX

It doesn't matter who the tears are for.

Your children will be fine. My 14 year old was very angry for the first few weeks but I think that a lot of that was fear about how his life was going to change. He's actually coping with it now a lot better than I thought he would.

And a lot of is depends on how you handle it.

But it sounds like you're doing a fab job. xxx

Potatoes worked for me. I would buy that ready made mash and eat a few spoonfuls of that. I was pg too so I know how awful it was every time I put food in my mouth I would heave even thinking of food made me want to puke.
I can almost guarantee he wil be back within a couple of months begging for forgiveness and love bombing you.
I just wish I could let you know that you will be ok. You will feel total devastation now but he is the one that is long term broke not you, you will heal.

I can almost guarantee he wil be back within a couple of months begging for forgiveness and love bombing you.

Yeah, me too

I also wish I could share some of how I'm feeling now with you. Just so you can glimpse just how much better it can get. And how much better you will feel in a relatively short time.

Your husband is behaving particularly disrespectfully in terms of his FB behaviour. But people will soon start thinking he's an idiot if they haven't already.

What area of the country are you in?

If you can afford it, maybe get a massage? You tend to store stress like this in your muscles and it always gives me headaches. Pregnancy, and massages really helped, as I couldn't take pain relief.

Don't worry about the food, lots of women lose weight in early preg. and even those with hyperemesis have healthy babies.

You're being so strong. Mourning the life you thought you had, and would have, doesn't alter that. You're human, and being a remarkably courageous one.

Be kind to yourself. Spoil yourself a little.

Yeah I agree spoil yourself. I spent loads on nice smellies for the bath and psh body lotion. I also read a lot in the early days was nice to go into someone else's world of a while.

Just read this thread nearly in tears.

You sound so strong and really are a fantastic mum.

Have a good cry when you need it - it can be very cathartic.

I know it's hard but don't car what your ex writes on FB - no-one who knows you have 3 children and a 4th on the way can possibly see him writing I love you to another woman without thinking "wanker".

Keep posting - some brilliant advice here - really MN at its best.

hope your day was good - a good day doesn't necessarily mean no tears or down time! I think carbs are good / keep downable donuts ... your growing baby can go weeks and weeks without any nutrition ... knowing that was very reassuring when preg ... if you haven't already done so get some preg vits so that may reassure you!
and hasn't he already come back begging forgiveness ? get through each day now trashy tv books whatever you can enjoy and look to the future now too your son and daughter and baby will make a great team!

sending LOVE and HUGS

so fucking sad

I have never felt so lonely, I used to look forward to Tuesdays for some adult conversation, we were always stuck in on Sundays and Mondays. I know I have my children and so thankful for that, but now until I learn to drive all I see is an endless amount of being stuck in days.

I wouldn't know where to start in treating myself, even birthday and Christmas presents were mostly pratical stuff that we needed and any spare money I had went on the children or him.

This part is a bit light hearted and me being silly, but he's such a twat!

My eldest told me he's put on fb that he's buying takeaway for the new thing and her children tonight, so I sent him a message saying as he has some extra money his children will be looking forward to their takeaway Saturday when he comes round, he sent one back saying he has no money, I said clearly he has as he's buying takeaway tonight and so now he wants to know who I have spying on him! Note this may seem pathetic to you all and I realise that is probably is, but it's made me laugh already today, so I don't care.

On a slightly more serious note, a friend has told me to look into spousal maintenance, do we even do that in this country and does anyone have any experience of it?

Well damn it Becketts your time is now. And now is the time to learn to spoil yourself. It doesn't have to be big just needs feels like a luxury. A hot chocolate with marshmallows in, a beautiful candle, a warm bubble bath, a walk around town looking at things you like, a magazine about something you love, a book, cinema matinee whilst the kids are out. Damn it mine is having two cups of tea in the morning in a mug that I love.

SM. My sister got it for two years to allow her time to get a job - it was about 5 years ago though. Get thee to a divorce lawyer. It doesn't have to cost ££££. My bill was about £600 in the end but I only used him to explain the process and check and file documents. He told me what needed agreeing. ExH and I agreed what we could out of lawyers clutches and then they helped the rest. It was fecking knackering though because he was a slippery abusive twunt. The cost was most emotional for me - not sure whether you'll want that during the pregnancy.

Spousal Maintenance, it isn't common in the UK. I managed to squeeze a small amount out of my ex H for 5 years, but the (expensive) solicitor wasn't too hopeful. I think exH was just feeling a bit guilty so agreed to a little to compensate for my 10 years of being a SAHM, which wrecked my career. Not that I was forced to become a SAHM, but it was a mutual decision made when I thought we'd be together forever and it allowed his career to take off. So, basically, my exH can afford a small amount of SM on top of the maintenance but this was agreed as par of the settlement.

If your STBEXH has little disposable income, after he's paid maintenance for the kids and your assets have been divided up, you might not get any SM. Your asset division should be weighted in your favour, not because he was a cheating dick, unfortunately, but because the children are living with you and you need enough to provide a home for them. I got roughly 2/3 of our assets.

As far as child maintenance is concerned the CSA formula is 15% of his income for the youngest child, 5% for the next child and 5% for any further DC, so a max of 25%. Then for any time he has them overnight, 1/7 is taken off for each night per week he has them, or 1/7 for 2 nights a fortnight. In fact, it's 1/7 for every 52 nights per year, so you have to add on holidays etc. My ex has then for 3 nights a fortnight and some holidays, but it's still less than 104 nights a year, so only 1/7 is taken off.

Good luck with the driving lessons, I think they will be essential.

Wow Beckett3, just read the thread and wanted to say you are amazing. Keep strong and remember things will get better. He sounds like a complete shit and not the man you fell in love with.

He is just such an arse isn't he? And stupid.

Wishing you all the strength you need to get through each day of this crapola x

Oh yes, arse is the word. It always amazes me that people publish all sorts of things on fb and are then surprised when people know about it! Tosser of the first order your ex is, Becket.

You, on the other hand, are not. You are fantastic and strong and a brilliant mum. Your kids are very lucky.

Keep your chin up, and tell as many people as you possibly can what your exdick has done.

That's hilarious :o

He thinks you're spying on him because you know stuff he published on a public platform. :o

What a twat!

Don't flatter yourself bozo

Lovely that he has "no money" for his own children.

Post on Legal for advice on spousal maintenance. Be aware that family courts have wide latitude and so decisions can vary a lot, but your position (pregnant SAHM) is factored in, as they need to look at the realistic chances of your being self-supporting, and a timescale for that. But they can't get money from a stone, so if there isn't much in the pot, they can't order he pays it. It depends on how much is there in the first place.

As the parent with care, housing the kids is first priority. If you own the house, then you will have a larger claim on it because you have more than 18 years ahead of you of parenting. There are various ways of seeking to ensure that. Again, post on legal - advice on this thread isn't going to be legally helpful, because law moves so fast textbooks are outdated inside 3 years. And the law varies a fair amount between Scotland and England/Wales, which further complicates things.

I think the CSA and a mediation appointment should be your first ports of call, together with a solicitor. You do need legal advice before attending the mediation appointment, so you know what you can expect.

Bear in mind you are entitled to a share of his pension, too. That's usually the largest asset after the house.

Sorry to sound so pragmatic, it's just that I think he will become increasingly less and less generous as he starts to justify what he's done to himself. selfish git won't see why his kids shouldn't subsidise his new lifestyle.

Bubble baths with lovely smellies are bliss. I think that's a fab suggestion.

On the 16th jan 2012, out of the blue, like a Nuclear bomb in our lives, my husband and partner of 28 years sent me an email shattering every assumption I had of or for our lives. He made a unilateral decision about our joint marriage. He gave us no chance what so ever for discussion. He told me what he believed I felt about our relationship. He gave/gives all the same shallow reasons that every man in this situation gives..as he approaches 50. We had/have so much, friendship, shared interests that had allowed us to acheive a lot. Our two wonderful sons 13 and 16. An amazing home, no major money worries...It seems insane.. and in the past year I have been to hell and beyond and I still have no idea how and why any of this makes sense to him. Our sons tried everything to make him see how 'they' felt, and they now feel he is not the man they thought him to be, that he could behave so appallingly. My heart aches for anyone just finding themselves in this devastating situation..it hardly ever makes any sense, I have tried to understand, to forgive, hope for reconciliation, not to throw everything away, and I believe in the end no one but the lawyers win...as my sons headmaster said to me with great compassion..the destruction caused in the name of sex can hardly be imagined.

amamini I had the nuclear bomb on 24 February..... My Xh did the same, made the decision, had decided that I was unhappy as well as him and walked out on me and 4yo DD....

I too still struggle to make sense of what happened. I begged him to try again, even after he betrayed me.... I divorced him ASAP for several reasons.

There are so many sad stories like ours on MN, yet when I joined, I had never heard of anybody just walking out of a marriage in RL.......

Beckett - I hope you are doing OK. You are not alone, MN is here for you, and we will all help you