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Original poster

Does my list of what I want in a relationship reflect what I can really expect????

38 replies

Lookingforperfection · 21/01/2013 14:29

Have namechanged for this.

I wrote a list this morning of all the things I'd like in a relationship. Is all this achievable?! I wonder if I am asking for too much...

A relationship that is based on give and take, that is loving and open.

In which I am able to be myself.

to be loved, and know I am loved.

to be appreciated, and appreciate in return.

for my children to be loved and treated kindly. I want them to have fun with me and my partner, to laugh together, not to worry about doing something small wrong. I want a partner who wants to spend time having fun with his kids (if he has any) and mine, who is happy seeing his children and mine laughing, relaxing, having fun.

a partner who wants to spend time with me, and lets me know that.

a partner who wants to give me a cuddle, or a hug, or a kiss, and who wants to make love to me - without me asking.

a partner who wants to just "be" with me, even if that is just sitting to watch crap tv, or lying in the bath relaxing and chatting.

a partner who wants to listen to news I've got about my friends, who wants to listen to me work things through in my head, who is interested in what I think.

a partner who wants to know and like my friends, who wants to share life with me, who wants to make my friends his friends.

a happy, open relationship as my children's model for their future relationships.

a partner who shows excitement, pleasure, joy, sadness, emotions.

a partner who wants to treat me once in a while, and who notices when I do something to treat him.

I want to laugh, to have fun, to be enthusiastic, spontaneous, and to enjoy myself in the company of my partner.

a partner who is willing to try new things, to enjoy his life, and to include me in that.

a partner who will look after me if I am sick, who might take time off work once in a while just to have lunch with me if I'm feeling a bit low - who considers how I feel.

OP posts:
SundaeGirl · 21/01/2013 14:39

That's not greedy - it sounds like a list of things you're prepared to do for someone else too. Lucky guy.

MrsApplepants · 21/01/2013 14:43

That's not greedy, it's how a 'normal' happy relationship should be. I have all of those things with my DH and he with me. I realise I am lucky and count my blessings everyday.

Original poster
Lookingforperfection · 21/01/2013 14:43

Yes, it is a list of things I would expect to do for somebody else. Totally.

OP posts:
Dahlen · 21/01/2013 14:44

TBH, if you are over 35 I don't think your odds of finding all those things are that high. With the exception of the happily long-term single (who aren't really available) and people like yourself (relatively recently out of relationships and looking for another), most people capable of giving and receiving that are already happily settled down.

However, they are perfectly reasonable and you shouldn't settle for anything less. It's better to walk alone than badly accompanied.

AKissIsNotAContract · 21/01/2013 14:45

That sounds like what a relationship should be.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2013 14:46

That's a list of givens rather than expectations. Don't compromise :)

FlatsInDagenham · 21/01/2013 14:48

It sounds reasonable. I think that's the sort of relationship we should all be striving for.

In my marriage at the moment I can pretty much tick all those boxes, but there have been times when some aspects of it were missing. Most relationships take dedication and work, but if you're both looking for what you've described in your OP and you're both prepared to work through the harder times, that list is certainly achievable.

Original poster
Lookingforperfection · 21/01/2013 14:49

Food for thought, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookingforperfection · 21/01/2013 14:59

I guess the thing is it shouldn't be hard work most of the time, even if sometimes dedication and hard work is required.

Yes, I'm over 35....

OP posts:
Mabelface · 21/01/2013 15:18

Over 35 doesn't mean out of the game. Don't settle for less.

susanann · 21/01/2013 15:44

Thats a great list, and yes its achievable. I just achieved it and Im 52! Go for it!

badguider · 21/01/2013 15:51

sounds perfectly reasonable - although i don't like ALL of dh's friends and he doesn't like ALL of mine.
and we don't always want to be together, we like to do things seperately too.
and we don't always listen to each other as much as the other would like... and we get tired and stressed and snappy with each other, but we also say sorry and forgive.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 21/01/2013 15:51

That's a good list.

At the risk of sounding like a total loon, following a recent 'cosmic ordering' thread I ordered the book 'Law of Attraction' and you've done exactly what the author recommends... Not listing or dwelling on the things you don't want but highlighting and concentrating on the things you do want.

Definitely an achievable list.

susanann · 21/01/2013 16:22

Law of attraction is brilliant!

CailinDana · 21/01/2013 16:52

A totally reasonable list. I have most of those things with my DH although I agree with badguider about the friends thing - he should at least make an effort with your friends but there will be some he doesn't like and vice versa, and that's fine. As long as he doesn't stop you seeing your friends, act rudely towards them or slag them off all the time then he's allowed not to like some of them :) Mutual friends are important though, and do help to keep a relationship fun IMO - if you can't share some friends at least then I think there's a danger your tastes might be too different.

I think another really important one is the ability to resolve conflict calmly and without point-scoring, aggression or name-calling. You should feel you can bring up anything you're not happy with at any (reasonable) time and expect to be met with a real effort to listen and to discuss things sensibly. Someone who strops, sulks or turns everything back on you in order to "win" is a complete waste of time.

CailinDana · 21/01/2013 16:55

Oh and you should also feel like a priority - perhaps not always No.1 but always important. For example, he should stand up for you if a friend/family member is rude to you, he should be there on your birthday if at all possible, he should consider you in important decisions and be prepared to compromise etc.

ninah · 21/01/2013 17:05

sounds great, certainly possible - although if he can offer all the above and is still single he will probaby be bald overweight wear crimplene trousers have a shed hobby and and pick his nose too

Shoesme · 21/01/2013 17:22

File this perfect partner in the friendzone section.

Crinkle77 · 21/01/2013 18:12

I think your expectations are a little high. It sounds like you want perfection all the time. Even if you do find a decent chap there are going to be times when you piss each other off. There are always going to be ups and downs in a relationship and I think you are setting yourself up for a huge disappointment

VoiceofUnreason · 21/01/2013 18:17

As with a few previous posters, I think the friends thing is a push. I think badguider's response was pretty good.

Of course, when you find the guy who does all this, make sure you reciprocate identically!

RubyrooUK · 21/01/2013 18:23

I think that is a fair list but even in a great relationship it can be hard to maintain all those things at one time. The key thing is that you know you both intend to live like that - it's your "default setting" - and when you fall down, it's temporary.

For example, I think my DH and I are all the things on your list. Honestly though, sometimes one or the other of us is tired and grumpy and we forget bringing each other joy and replace it with ferocious bitching. But for us, that's okay as a short term thing, as long as the good bits are still there too.

LadyLetch · 21/01/2013 18:25

I'd say I have most of those things in my marriage. A couple of things I would say are quite high expectations...

Wants to spend time with me - change that to "wants to spend time with me and his iPad" and you're getting close,

And gives me treats.. I think that lasted until we were married, and probably the first few years ... But we've been together for 15 years now. Treats are a long distant memory Grin

Also, we don't really socialise with each others pre existing friends much - I have my old friends, he has his but we do have new mutual friends together... It works for us (and I prefer to see my old friends alone for proper girlie chats etc)

Other than that, everything you describe I would say is a normal healthy relationship isn't it...?

ChangingWoman · 21/01/2013 19:33

Most of this looks like the minimum for any relationship worth having.

The treats and shared friends points are more personal preferences. I'm not generally big on gifts or surprises and prefer to socialise on my own terms so neither would be a dealbreaker for me.

I treat other people with respect and consideration and think I deserve the same. Took far too long to learn this lesson...

ArtVandelay · 21/01/2013 20:59

I think its good in principle but like some other posters have said its rarely possible to acheive all at once in 'real time' in a relationship. What might be helpful is to now try to order the list in order of importance. Being genuine towards your DC for instance, is very important although might not be no.1, so maybe no.3?

Personally, I think when you go into a relationship in your late 30's/ 40's you are both fully formed people and probably quite independent with your own goals and ideas. Your ideas about showing support by leaving work to take you to lunch might not be possible if he is very senior at work - his idea might be being home early at 6pm. If you feel like you can't do without that then just cross workaholics off your list.

I'm starting to waffle.. I think what I'm trying to say is stick by your principles of being treat right and having a great relationship but be prepared to explore how important stuff is or how flexible you can be. Gifts dont equal love for instance.. Good luck, you are much closer to getting what you want just by making this list :)

1charlie1 · 21/01/2013 21:29

I met my DH when I was 36 and he was 40. We do - and are - those things to each other, and for each other. Good luck!